"You're going where?!" Amy asked, crossing her arms as we stood next to the front door of the school. I double checked to make sure my knife was in its sheath on my thigh, and then stood up straight.
"He said it's a surprise," I replied, without looking at her. We were watching out the windows of the school for when Ryan would open the gate and let Negan in when he arrived. I hadn't mentioned I was leaving until last minute, and Amy wasn't okay with my decision to go with him.
"He's gonna take you back to his factory and keep you prisoner!" Amy was blocking my way to the door leading outside. "You can't go with him, Elle!"
"I already told him I'd go." I finally looked at Amy and could see the worry burning deep in her eyes.
"Elle, you're not thinking straight! You need to sit down and talk to us. We haven't talked since Philip died, and-"
"I'm fine, Amy." I cut her off, and my expression dropped as she mentioned that night. She was right though. I hadn't spoken to anyone about what had happened, except for my conversation with Vivienne in the locker room. I had decided to try and move past it—to continue running away from what I had done. Amy had been trying to get me to talk to her, but I wasn't ready.
"Like hell you are!" Amy grabbed both my shoulders and forced me to look at her. "He didn't even tell you where you're going! What if he hurts you?"
"If he wanted to hurt me, he would do it right here in Doveport." I turned my head away from her and looked out the window. The gate was opening. Negan was here.
"Dammit, Elle!" Amy was pleading with me, gripping my shoulders tight and trying to get me to look at her. But I couldn't. I didn't want her to make me face what I had done.
"I have to go," I whispered, reaching out for the door handle.
Amy let me go, and I could see tears welling up in her eyes. She shook her head, and then took a step to the side to let me go out.
I headed outside to the front of the school, and Amy followed behind me. Ryan had pulled the gate completely open, and Negan had pulled a single pickup into the school's lot. He was leaning up against the truck with this baseball bat draped over his shoulder, and smiled wide at me.
"There's my date!" he chirped as I approached him. Amy was still on my heels, and Negan turned his attention on her.
"Hello, Momma Bear!" he said with a wink.
"Where the hell are you taking her?" Amy demanded, shooting daggers at Negan. I stared at her in shock at her little outburst, but Negan didn't even blink. He approached Amy, who looked like she was ready to lunge at him.
"Well honey, that's none of your damn business." He was smiling, very much enjoying her feisty attitude.
"If anything happens to her, I swear to god…" Amy was glaring up at him, with her fists clenched at her sides. I stepped between the two, and turned to face Amy.
"I'll talk to you when I get back, I promise. Just let me go with him. I'll be okay."
Amy finally took her furious eyes off Negan and turned her attention back to me. She looked so distraught, and I couldn't help but think that her worry was my fault. She had witnessed me do something terrible, and was desperately trying to fix things. I didn't think they could be fixed.
"I'll see you when I get back," I said, doing my best to give her a reassuring smile. She frowned at me.
"If you even come back at all." Amy turned away from me and headed towards the school. I watched her disappear inside and then turned to face Negan. He had his eyebrows raised in mock surprise.
"Let's go." I mumbled, going around the side of the truck and getting in.
I had been in the truck with Negan for over an hour, and as it sped down the road, I stared out the window in absolute silence. I had no idea where he was taking me, and as the distance grew between Doveport and me, I started to have second thoughts. Negan kept glancing over at me every few minutes, and looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. He seemed antsy—it was very unlike him.
"I brought sandwiches," he finally spoke, gesturing to the backseat of the truck. I turned around in my seat to see there was a little cooler sitting behind him.
"Thanks," I mumbled, wondering if there was ice in the little cooler. He really did have a lot of benefits at his Sanctuary. I wasn't sure I would even remember what a sandwich tasted like. I faced forward and watched as the truck approached a small sporting goods store. There weren't any walkers in sight, but I had noticed a few bodies decorating the parking lot. I figured he had been here before, by the looks of it.
Negan parked the truck in front of the store and grinned at me.
"We're here!" he announced, opening his door and getting out. I stared out at the building and heard Negan take the cooler out with him. I pulled my door open and stepped out, following him up to the store. My suspicions were proven as he took out a key ring and unlocked the front door. I glanced around to make sure no walkers would sneak up on us, and Negan pulled the door open for me, gesturing for me to go in.
I stepped inside and looked around at the set up. The shelves had been pushed towards the back of the large room, and there were couches that had clearly been brought in by Negan, or more likely, his men. Negan went over and flipped a switch, and lights turned on, brightening the room in an instant. I looked at the little register that was towards the front of the store, and the many sports equipment that both decorated the shelves, and were opened and strewn about the large room. The ceiling was high, and there was even a basketball hoop shoved up near the side of the store. In the middle of the room, there was a green ping pong table with paddles and a ball wedged between them.
Negan set the cooler down onto one of the couches while I stood there gaping, not knowing what to say. I continued to gawk at the room until Negan walked over and stood next to me, taking it in too.
"Pretty fucking neat, huh? It's my own little hang out spot." He was beaming at his personal man cave. It felt surreal standing inside of a store that mostly looked like it had been untouched.
"Yeah…" I responded, my eyes taking in the bright colors of the sporting apparel that was still hanging up on the wall. There was a lot of untouched clothing and items that would be very useful, and I wondered why Negan hadn't just raided the place and called it a day. He already had a huge factory building. Why did he need this place too?
"Let's eat, and then you're playing me in ping pong." He went over and sat down on the couch next to the cooler. He set his beloved bat on top of a little table next to the couch.
I followed him, and he moved the cooler to the floor. I sat next to him and watched as he opened the container. Inside there were two bottles of beer and two sandwiches in Ziploc bags surrounded in ice. He handed one of the bags to me, and I took it into my hands, staring down at it in surprise. I could see there was lettuce, and a tomato slice poking out from the sides of the bread. And something else…
"Bacon?" I blurted, looking up at him with wide eyes. He had brought me a BLT.
"Fuck yeah, bacon! Got a guy who knows meat!" He was already holding his and took a big bite. I picked up the sandwich and examined it. It looked delicious. BLTs had been something I had really enjoyed before the world went to shit, though Negan couldn't have known that. This lunch was going to be the best one I had in a long time.
I bit into the sandwich and closed my eyes. It was heavenly; the lettuce was fresh and crisp and the tomato was juicy. When the salty, crisp taste of bacon hit my taste buds, I couldn't help but let out a whimper. Negan chuckled on his current bite, and reached down for a beer. I chewed slowly, not wanting to take this meal for granted.
"It's good, right?" He popped the top off the bottle and handed it to me. I nodded and took it from him. I wasn't a big fan of beer, but I wasn't going to turn it down. I didn't want to be rude to the man who had just given me bacon in an apocalypse.
"Thank you," I mumbled, wiping some tomato juice away from my lips.
"You can thank me by playing a game with me," he said, opening the other beer and taking a long drink. I took another bite and glanced over at the ping pong table. The realization dawned on me that this was probably his idea of a date, and I swallowed hard. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks as I remembered the situation. Philip was dead. I killed Adam. My hands dropped to my lap, still clutching the sandwich, and I stared off into space, suddenly not feeling very hungry.
"You need to get outta that head of yours." Negan's voice pulled me back, and I lifted the sandwich and took a small bite.
"Sorry," I mumbled around it, doing my best to try and enjoy the sandwich again.
Negan finished his sandwich and beer long before I did, and then leaned back into the couch. Silence grew between us as I worked on finishing mine, and once I was done, he stood up and stretched.
"Time for ping pong!" he announced, walking over to the big, green table in the middle of the room. I stood up and followed him over, leaving my beer on the floor. Negan went around to the other side and picked up one of the paddles, and pulled a coin from his pocket.
"Heads or tails?" he asked.
"Tails," I answered, not at all sounding confident. I was suddenly feeling very awkward and out of sort. Negan flipped the coin up into the air and caught it, turning it over in his hand.
"Heads. I'm first." He pushed the other paddle towards me, and I took it into my hands. I hadn't played since school, and had never been very good at it. I wondered why he was doing this with me and if this was some sort of test. If I wasn't good at it, would he get upset? What if I beat him?
The latter wasn't ever going to happen, I soon realized.
Negan took the paddle and ball into his hands, and served the ball so fast I barely saw it hit the table. It bounced over onto my side and rolled onto the floor.
"My point!" he announced with a wide grin. I looked behind me to see the little white ball had rolled off towards the front of the store. I walked over to it and bent over, picked it up, and turned back to Negan. He was watching me with an amused expression.
I brought the ball back and handed it to him. He smirked at me, and once again served the ball so fast, it flew off my side of the table and rolled away. I hadn't even had time to react.
"Better get my ball, Elle." He grinned, and I let out a sigh. It was going to be a long game. I wondered why he only had one ball when the store was probably filled with them, and I almost asked, but didn't.
We repeated this process for a while, with him gaining a point and me retrieving the ball. I soon became very irritated as I realized he was checking me out every time I bent over to pick up the ball from the floor. I glanced over my shoulder to see he was biting his lip and staring at my ass. I rolled my eyes and brought the ball back to him, wanting to throw it in his face.
"You seem uptight," Negan said, getting ready to serve the ball. I stood there with my paddle and waited for the ball to roll off. "I might be able to help with that."
I glared at his cocky expression, and he hit the ball. Instead of coming to my side of the table, it slammed into the net and rolled off onto the floor.
"Dammit!" Negan shouted, slamming his paddle onto the table. I walked over to the ball and assumed it was finally my turn.
I went to serve the ball when Negan tsked me.
"You're too stiff."
"I'm fine," I growled. My annoyance was obvious.
"You better relax, or I'm gonna have no choice but to bring Lucille into our little date," he wiggled his eyebrows at me with an infuriatingly, cocky grin.
"This isn't a date." I said coldly, disregarding the fact he was threatening me with the bat. I knew he was capable of doing it, but highly doubted he would beat me to death for serving wrong.
Negan let out a booming laugh, and placed his hands on the table, leaning towards me.
"I fucking love it when you get angry!" he beamed.
I narrowed my eyes at him, and then held my hand up and dropped the ball. It bounced off my side of the table, and then I whacked it, hard.
Too hard.
It flew off onto the floor and rolled towards the back of the store, into the shelves that were still evenly spaced apart. We both watched it disappear into the aisles, and then Negan turned and looked back at me.
"First person to find that ball gets a prize," he challenged. He was still smiling, and clearly enjoying my little burst of anger.
"What kind of prize?" I asked, still glaring at him.
"Whatever I want when I find it!" Negan bolted away from the ping pong table and headed into the aisles.
I don't know what came over me, but I sprinted into the aisles too, frantically searching for the ping pong ball like my life depended on finding it. I had always been very competitive, and it was why I had been getting irritated with him. He was clearly more experienced at playing, and I hated to lose.
I peeked around the shelves, my eyes scanning the floor for the little ball. I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw Negan was at the other end, doing the same. He looked up to see me at the opposite end, and teasingly scowled at me. The game was on.
I bent over and looked under a shelf, and a large grin spread on my face. The ball was barely poking out in the middle of the aisle from underneath a shelf, and Negan was nowhere in sight.
I stood back onto my feet and sprinted towards it. I was already congratulating myself on winning, when my foot hit the floor wrong and I stumbled, falling forward. I slipped against the smooth floor, and my arm shot out underneath the shelf, and I hit the ground hard.
I gasped for breath as I laid on the floor, and then rolled off my stomach and onto my back. I was sore, but otherwise uninjured. I tried to calm my shaken nerves and closed my eyes, willing my heartbeat to slow. The fall had really shaken me.
When I opened my eyes, Negan was standing over me and offering me his hand. I placed my hand into his and allowed him to help me back to my feet. I was trembling a bit, and he noticed.
"Are you hurt?" he asked, and he sounded so unsure. It was almost like he was worried, but then he continued to speak before I could respond. "Why the fuck are you slipping and sliding all over the fucking place?"
I took a deep breath, and then smiled, holding up my hand in front of his face—the ping pong ball was grasped tightly in my fingers.
Negan stared at it for a few seconds, and then let out a throaty laugh. He closed his eyes and shook his head, then looked at me again.
"So what do you want your prize to be?" he asked, scratching his head and leaning a bit closer to me.
I hadn't thought that far ahead.
I pursed my lips and thought about it, and then the answer seemed so obvious.
"I don't want Doveport to have to gather supplies anymore."
Negan's light expression turned serious, and he narrowed his eyes at me.
"That's not happening."
His demeanor switched over so fast, but I did my best to not let it intimidate me.
"We're barely making ends meet! We're more than happy to work for you and help the Saviors, but we're not going to be able to do that if we're starving to death." I looked up at him with wide eyes, seeing this as the best opportunity I was going to get to make this argument.
Negan stared down at me, his expression was blank and impossible to read. Before he could chew me out for suggesting it, I tried to compromise.
"We could do every other week," I offered.
Negan frowned and shook his head.
"But then I won't get to see you," he said, pouting. He was starting to be less serious, and I scoffed at him.
"I think you'll live," I shot back.
Negan's eyes went down to my hand, and he reached out to try and take the ping pong ball from me. I moved my hand away, and clutched onto it tightly.
"That's my prize. You stop robbing Doveport, and you let us gather enough supplies so we can survive too."
He continued to frown at me, and his eyes bore into mine. I didn't back down, holding his sharp gaze with one of my own. Finally, his expression softened, and he nodded slowly.
"Okay, Elle," he conceded.
A wide smile grew on my face, and I tilted my head at him.
"Really?" I asked, in total surprise. I hadn't expected him to agree with me. I was always anticipating a fight with him.
"A deal's a deal. You won fair and square." He smiled down at me, but it seemed sad. Negan was clearly competitive too, and I could tell he didn't like to lose either. But I wondered if it was more than that. What if he had been the one to get to the ball? What would his prize have been? I had a fairly good idea, but was glad I beat him to it to make a deal to help Doveport.
Assuming I knew what he would have wanted, I leaned up on my tip toes, and quickly pressed my lips to the scruff on the side of his face. As I kissed his cheek, his body froze, and he didn't move, gauging the situation. It was just a peck, and as I stepped away I smiled up at him, trying to appear genuine.
"Thank you," I murmured, feeling my cheeks heat up. I wasn't sure why I was blushing, but the way he was looking at me made me feel self aware in the moment.
His look of surprise then turned to one of mischief.
"You missed my lips, doll," he drawled.
I rolled my eyes at him, and turned to leave the aisle.
"No I didn't." I shot back, taking a step away. Just as I was about to take another step, Negan reached out and grabbed my arm and spun me back. The action shocked me, and I felt very out of breath as I faced him.
"Negan-" I began, just as he wrapped an arm around me and bent down. He leaned in to kiss me, same as before, just like when we were in the office…
And just like before, I pulled away from him.
Negan let me go immediately, and let out a frustrated sigh.
"I don't fucking understand you," he grumbled, looking away from me. He was pissed, and I knew I shouldn't, but I felt guilty in the moment.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, reaching towards his hand, but he pulled away.
"Stop fucking apologizing," he growled, and walked out of the aisle and towards the front of the store. He grabbed the cooler and my bottle of beer from the floor and chugged it. He set the empty bottle on the table where his bat was lying, and he picked it up. I stood by the shelves and watched as he headed outside.
I didn't know why I hadn't kissed him. Negan wasn't bad looking—he was actually very attractive. He had done a lot of things to piss me off, but he had also been trying to make an effort to play nice, and I was still unsure of how I felt about him, even just as a person. I couldn't wrap my head around that kind of relationship. He terrified and fascinated me all at once. Not to mention, just the idea of being with him and knowing how the others back home would think left me feeling guilty. I hadn't even been able to tell them about the innocent night I spent in his bed.
As I exited the store, I half expected to find Negan's truck to be gone, but it was still parked out front. He was sitting in the driver's seat, waiting for me. He looked grumpy.
I got into the truck, and things were very tense. As he drove back to Doveport, we both sat in an uncomfortable silence. I couldn't stand the awkward air, and I tried to lighten the mood.
"So how many communities do you control?" I asked, doing my best to make small talk. Negan was gripping the steering wheel and glaring out the front windshield.
"A fuck ton," he grumbled, and I could hear it in his tone that he wasn't in the mood for chitchat. I looked down at my lap and chose to be quiet the rest of the drive back. The ping pong ball was resting inside my closed palm.
We reached Doveport a little while later, and Negan pulled the truck up to the gate. I was surprised he didn't kick me out right then and there, but he waited for the gate to open. Ryan's face appeared on the other side, and he smiled wearily at me as Negan pulled the truck through the threshold and towards the front of the school.
It was late, and everyone else was inside. As the truck parked, I noted that Ryan was still standing next to the open gate. He was unsure whether he should shut it or not.
I glanced over at Negan who was still staring out the front windshield and ignoring me. His hands were still gripping the steering wheel, and his knuckles looked white. I had thought he was angry with me, but maybe he was angry with himself. He had thought that his little date idea was foolproof, and I had thrown a wrench into the whole thing.
I didn't know what to say to him in the moment. I wanted to apologize for rejecting the kiss, but knew he didn't want to hear apologies anymore. I wanted to thank him for the sandwich, but I felt like words would be lacking. I let out a soft sigh, and then I leaned over and grabbed one of his hands that was gripping the wheel, and took it into my own. His hand was much larger than mine, and his fist was balled at first, but then it loosened at my touch. His eyes left the windshield, and he looked down at our hands.
I placed the ping pong ball inside his fist, and then closed his fingers around it, and squeezed. I smiled thinly at him, and then turned and got out of the truck, shutting the door behind me. Negan was still staring down at his hand looking perplexed.
I hoped the gesture spoke the things I couldn't yet say to him. I was grateful for that day; he had managed to pull me away from the dark horrors of what I had done a week before. It had been a sweet little escape, even if things had turned sour at the end.
I walked into the school, and the truck pulled away, with Ryan pulling the gate closed as Negan left.
I couldn't kiss him….
Even if there was a part of me that had really wanted to.