"Does that bother you?" Dr Porter asked me. I shrugged. I didn't know the answer to her question.

"I guess my biggest concern is that it isn't mutual. Maybe it was all in my head." I admitted.

Porter nodded as she jotted notes down on her notepad. "How are the rules going?" she asked fishing for a certain response.

"Well obviously not well doc" I said in a sarcastic tone. My answer was exactly what the good doctor was looking for.

"So if you've already broken the rules why don't you tell Arizona how you're feeling?" she asked. Again I shrugged.

"I know why" she said to me. "I think you're scared to get hurt again. I think you and Arizona have been through the ringer. The whole she didn't want children scenario. She broke your heart. The leaving to Africa scenario, again, she broke your heart. When Arizona lost her leg, her recovery broke your heart every day did it not?" Porter said waiting for some form of conformation. I nodded.

"Then she cheated and you thought that was the last time she would ever break your heart. You took yourself away from her and you met Penny. You liked Penny" she reminded me. "Then Arizona won custody of Sofia and you experienced a whole new type of heartbreak."

I wasn't a big fan of reliving all these terrible memories but when put into perspective like this it was no wonder the two couldn't seem to get on the same page. This wasn't one sided either. For every heart break I suffered, Arizona suffered too. We were both equally ruined.

"How did I get here?" I asked rhetorically. "I married George and I was this mess. I was nothing. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted to do. I lived in a hospital for crying out loud." I shrugged as I went over my own memories, one painful memory at a time. "Then I met Arizona and she was perfect. She is perfect. I became a respected doctor, mother and friend. People saw me as this stable person. I liked that person. I just feel like the girl who married George all over again" I said, a sad reality of truth washing over me.

"Are you going to tell her how you feel?" she asked.

"I think you're right. I think I'm too scared. I don't think I'll survive another heartbreak" I admitted pausing to think about what I had just said. "I think our arrangement is over."

Dr Porter let everything I had just said sink in. Not for her but for me. It was me who had to come to terms with all this information. "Let's finish there" she said as she placed her notepad aside.

The rest of the day was a blur. I had three back to back surgeries and incompetent residents to follow after. It seemed I wasn't just missing Penny personally but professionally too.

I left the hospital at 3am. My eyes hurt. I was so tired I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. Eventually I decided the only way I was going to get any sleep was if I text the woman that was occupying my mind. I reached over and I grabbed my phone. I found Penny's number and I began typing. "I'm sorry doesn't begin to cover how sorry I am for how I treated you. I don't expect you to forgive me anytime soon, if ever but I do want you to know that I really did care about you. Have fun in New York." I read the text back to myself a few times but eventually decided things couldn't get much worse and I sent it.

At the start of the week I had two beautiful women to turn to and now, I barely had myself. I wasn't sure how I was going to tell Arizona I wanted out, I wasn't sure if I even had too. Part of me thought she had opted out a long time ago. Maybe Kate was a better fit for Arizona than I thought.