"What's wrong?" I asked in a slightly concerned tone. It was out of character for Arizona to show up so late at night without warning.

"Sorry I didn't text. I didn't plan to come over. I was out and I was walking and then I was here and I wanted to say something to you then I didn't but now I'm here."

"Arizona." My voice stopped her in her tracks. "What's wrong?" I asked for the second time in two minutes.

"There is something I need to tell you. I should have told you ages ago but I didn't know how."

I stood there, two yards away from the woman that had caused me so much heart ache. She seemed distressed. What could she possibly have to tell me that worried her so much.

"Is it from when we were married?" Arizona nodded. "I don't need to know. It's in the past. Let's keep the past in the past."

Arizona shook her head, "you deserve to know."

"Why do you want to bring the past up?"

"Because you and I can't ever move forward unless we hash out the past" she snapped back.

I was silent. I watched as Arizona racked her brain for the perfect way to tell me whatever it was that was bothering her.

"Do you know why I slept with Lauren?"

"Arrrg no. STOP! Please can we not go there again."

"Part of what I told you was true. I did enjoy the attention Lauren gave me, I liked the flirting, I liked knowing I was still attractive." Arizona wasn't going to stop. She had obviously been wanting to get this off her chest for a while and now was the time.

"I found you attractive. I told you all the god damn time but you never wanted me to touch you." I argued.

"I know, but you didn't have a choice. You were my wife. Can you just let me finish Callie?" Arizona sighed as she dug her hands deep into her pockets, maybe as a way to stop her fiddling.

"There isn't an excuse in the world that would make what I did right but I want you to know that it wasn't you. You did nothing wrong. You were the perfect wife." Arizona paused for a moment before sitting down at one of the bar stools that sat at the kitchen table. I opted to stand.

"Do you remember that day that you stayed home from work because I had another break down? My leg hurt and I didn't want to leave bed. I remember you were upset; you had been crying but you wouldn't tell me why. You had taken Sofia to day care and while you were gone I"

"You destroyed our place" I finished. I remembered the morning like it was yesterday. It was the moment I felt Arizona slipping away. It was the very first time I thought we wouldn't make it.

"I destroyed our home. I destroyed our daughter's bedroom. I had become someone I didn't recognize."

I stood in silence. I didn't know where this was going. Was there something about that day I had forgotten? Was there something I didn't know?

"I remember sitting on the bedroom floor. I was trying to put my leg on alone and I fell out of bed. I tried for so long but it wouldn't click on. I just…" Arizona was trying her best to choke back tears. I could tell reliving this was painful but hearing it was just as painful. "I remember wanting to die. I had decided I wanted to die. I couldn't reach anything. I couldn't get anywhere. The only thing near me was your side draw."

I listened to her speak but I wasn't sure I was really hearing it all right. How had I not known this? How had I not known that she wanted to die? Were we really that disconnected. I watched her cry, I wanted to comfort her but at the same time I didn't want to be anywhere near her.

"I thought maybe you had some of my spare pills and if I could get them I would be fine. All the pain would disappear and everything would be fine. I found your journal instead. The one your therapist made you write in. I read it. It started off as a sneak peek but you wrote everything in there. Everything you couldn't tell me you wrote in here. I realized how absent I had been. Not just as a wife but as a parent too. I hadn't left you but I had left you."

Arizona was doing a good job at holding back the tears. A few tears rolled down her cheek but every time they did she swiped them away. "You wrote that you felt all alone, that you too had lost so much yet you couldn't mourn because I was too busy mourning. You wrote that you wished I knew how much you loved me and how beautiful you thought I was."

"I know what I wrote" I said bluntly.

Arizona pursed her lips together and swiped at her cheek with her sleeve. "You wrote about how you were worried that Sofia would grow up with a different Arizona that had agreed to be her mother. Your words saved my life"

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?"

Arizona shrugged. "You got home and I tried my hardest to be the Arizona you fell in love with, the Arizona that chose to be the mother to Sofia. I tried so hard but you had given up. And for good reason. You had gone months trying to fight for me, to love me and all I had done was shut you out. By time I was ready to try you were too scared to even touch me."

"I was so low, Lauren was there, I felt like you weren't and I made the stupidest decision I ever thought I could make. Until a few weeks ago."

Arizona stood from her stool and she stepped towards me. Just as quickly as she stepped forward I stepped backwards. It was a reflex more than anything but I could see it caught Arizona off guard. Arizona fiddled with her thumbs as she wondered what to say next. "I don't love Kate. I care about her but at best she is a distraction for you."

"You told me to go Arizona. You told me no. Once again you pushed me away and now when I finally step away you want me again? I don't trust you. How can I trust you after everything we have been through?"

Arizona understood. She was scared that might be my response. "I know I have betrayed your trust over and over again. I know you don't trust anything I saw so I'm going to show you. I don't care if it takes years, I don't care if you never believe me. You have fought for me for years. You have dealt with my crap over and over again. I don't want you to ever doubt my love for you and our daughter."

I didn't even know what to say. Or do. It was a lot of information to take in. A couple of days ago this was exactly what I wanted, but now, I wasn't sure I had any trust left to give.

"I wanted to start off by giving you this" Arizona grabbed a book out of the handbag that had been hanging from her shoulder the whole time.

I was reluctant but eventually I grabbed the book from her hand. I looked it over then I looked back up at Arizona.

"It's my journal. As part of my rehabilitation they made me write a journal about my feelings. They said it would help me work through everything."

I looked back down at the book before I put it on the table beside me.

"I'm going to go. I'll give you space. But please know that no matter what you doubt about me or us please never doubt my love for you and Sofia. Despite everything, despite all the mistakes I have made and the heart ache I have caused you are still the love of my life."

I didn't say anything, instead I just watched her leave the apartment, the door closing behind her. I almost wanted to pinch myself to check that was all real.

I went to bed with Arizona's journal and page by page I flicked through them. Some of them were basic entries about how she was feeling about her rehabilitation, some were about how she felt at work, some even talked about the crappy hospital food. But there were a few that caught my eye. One of them was titled 'things I want to say but I can't'. I read on despite how tired me eyes were. The entry read

"To my darling Calliope, If I could speak I would say so much. I'd say thank you for raising my daughter during my absence. I'd say thank you for being so brave when I can barely live. I'd say thank you for suffering in silence while I'm suffering out loud. Thank you for trying to mend my heart when I know yours is broken.

I married the perfect woman. I don't know how I got so lucky. How do you do it all? You succeed as a doctor, you overachieve as a mother and there isn't a single person that comes close to you as a wife. You are the glue that holds me together. Why can't I say any of this to you?

How do you put up with my moods and my unexpected calls to work in the middle of the night? How do you put up with my insecurities, how do you not get mad every time I feel ugly? How do you love me so well when sometimes I barely have a chance to love myself? How do you still love me when I've broken your heart time and time again? Why can't I say any of this to you?

I promise one day my darling Calliope I will be the wife and the life partner you deserve. One day I'll be able to love myself as much as you love me. One day I'll be the brave one and you can mourn for all those time you never got the chance. But if I could say one thing to you right now, I would say thank you for our beautiful Sofia. Thank you for bringing such a perfect little girl into the world. Thank you for raising her while I've been gone. One day I'll tell you all of this."

By the end of the letter I was sobbing into my pillow. Tears flowing uncontrollably from my tear ducts. I couldn't stop. I thought all her pain came from losing her leg but that just added to the pain she already had. Had I known, maybe things would have been different.