I dreamed I was floating inside a black void. There was no sound—no colors—just darkness. It was as if I was swimming through the air, gently gliding along through the nothingness. It was peaceful, and as I drifted, I felt totally calm. I had no concept of time. I didn't have a care in the world.
But the tranquil state slowly started to fade, and although my black surroundings remained, I could hear a voice gently speaking to me. Or near me. I couldn't be sure.
"….. need stitches…..infection… bandages…." I could only make out a few words coming from a voice I didn't quite recognize right away. I felt a slight pang of annoyance. I didn't want to leave this comfortable place. Not yet.
"Well fuckin' get on it!" a loud booming voice echoed in my safe haven, and my eyes flew open.
It was like someone flipped a switch—the peace I had known only moments before was swept away and replaced with a burning pain that seemed to encompass my entire body. I felt like I was on fire. I could see a white ceiling, and then two faces peering down at me in surprise. Negan… and someone else? Someone I had met before. The doctor from the Sanctuary, Carson. They were both staring at me down with looks of concern on their faces.
I went to sit up, and the fiery pain vibrated through my entire body, making me cry out. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to ease my suffering, but it was no use. I was awake, and reality was hitting me like a ton of bricks.
Caleb.
It all came flooding back—the way his knife had felt cutting into my skin. My eyes went down to my body and I whimpered. My shirt and legs were soaked in blood—I was drenched in it. My neck hurt worse than anything, and I could feel something wrapped around my throat. I still wasn't wearing my pants, and could see some of the cuts that now decorated my legs.
I looked like a murder victim.
"Lay back, Elle," Negan said firmly. He was staring down at me with a stern look. "Carson is gonna patch you up, but you have to relax."
RELAX?!
Was he joking? My heart was pounding in my ears, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I tried to sit up again, and my limbs ached with the sudden movement. I fell back and jerked from side to side, desperately trying to shake the fiery pain away.
"We need to sedate her," Carson's voice rang out. He sounded nervous, and Negan turned to look at him. "Like I said, she's in a lot of pain. I can work better if she's not writhing around like that."
Negan nodded to him. "Do it."
I closed my eyes and tried to shut out the pain, but it just got worse. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I could hear my own sobs and screams. I had never been in so much pain.
"Hurry the fuck up!" Negan demanded. I felt his fingers lightly brush the tears away from my face and I opened my eyes was staring down at me, his eyes filled with pity, and I felt a fresh wave of panic. I only knew how bad it felt—but how bad was it for Negan to look at me like that?
Negan's hands wrapped around my upper arms and pushed me down onto the bed. A tingling sensation ran up my arm as Carson injected the sedative.
"It's okay, Elle. You're safe. I've got you," Negan assured me.
As the pain drifted away, I was pulled back into that empty, comfortable void.
When I woke up again, the pain was slightly dull. I sat and reached up to my neck, which was wrapped in a large, thick bandage that covered my throat. I placed my hand onto it and the pressure made me wince.
My throat had been cut?
I looked around the room to see I wasn't alone. I was on a small medical bed, and across the room, laying in an identical bed, was Eric. I stared at his body for a long time before I realized his chest was rising up and down.
He was alive.
I remembered watching as Caleb's men beat and kicked him, terrified they'd killed him in the process.
I glanced down at myself to see I was wearing a long tee shirt that stopped right above my knees. Below that, I could see multiple bandages covering my legs. My arms were also covered. I pulled the shirt forward a bit to look down at my chest, which looked even worse than the rest of my body.
My whole body was covered in bandages, and underneath that gauze were tons and tons of cuts.
Caleb's cuts.
I turned my head to look back over at Eric, and the movement pulled at the skin of my neck, making me wince. I laid back down onto the pillow and squeezed my eyes shut.
How was I still alive?
I remembered Caleb holding the knife to my neck and that Negan had been there. Hadn't he shot him? The sound of the door opening pulled me from my thoughts and I saw a familiar face peek inside.
"Elle!" Amy said in a relieved voice. "Dr. Carson, she's awake!"
I heard shuffling from the other side of the door, and then the doctor appeared. He made his way into the room and over to me.
"Thank goodness you're up," Amy said, coming over to the side of the bed with Carson. "I thought I lost you."
"I'm so glad you're okay," I whispered, trying to sit up to talk with her, but once again the pain was too much.
"You need to lay still," Carson ordered. He was fumbling with what sounded like a pill bottle to the left of me.
"What happened?" I asked, still not entirely sure what was going on.
"You're at the Sanctuary," Carson answered. He sounded tired.
"Negan saved us," Amy piped in. She smiled a bit and looked over to where Eric was. "If he hadn't, both you and Eric would be gone."
I watched her stare at Eric for a while before she turned back to me.
"You've been cut thirty-seven times." Carson's voice grabbed my attention. "You needed a lot of stitches, but I've patched you up as best I can. The worst cuts were on your chest, and of course that." He pointed to the large bandage on my neck. I reached up to feel the thick gauze covering around my throat again.
"However, you're gonna have a lot of scars, and there will be quite a bit of pain. I have some medication you can take every six hours. You're due for some now."
Thank god.
He held out his hand towards mine and placed two little pills inside my palm. With Amy's help, I sat up and swallowed the medication. He handed me a tiny paper cup with water, and I washed down the pills.
"It's strong stuff, but Negan approved you for it. It might have some side effects, but your pain should be under control."
"Thank you," I said, smiling up at him. "You saved my life."
"Just doing my job," he mumbled, turning to leave the room. Amy and I watched as he exited, leaving us alone together.
"I thought we were going to die," Amy said quietly, glancing over to look at Eric again. "But Negan brought a whole army to the school. They gunned down all of Caleb's men, and then they brought us back here. He said he figured we wouldn't want to stay there right now, and he's right." She shuddered as she told me about the aftermath. "Eric's got a few bruised ribs, and they fractured his arm. Carson has him sedated for now. He said he'd be able to heal better if he sleeps. He's going to be bedridden for a long time, but he's gonna be okay."
Eric looked almost peaceful, and I wondered if he was floating in his own empty space, the way I had been. I kind of missed my safe haven, but was glad I was awake to find out what had happened at the school.
"Is everyone okay? Where's Vivienne?" I thought about the other Doveporters and the screams I had heard coming from the hallway during the standoff with Caleb.
"Viv is okay. She's making herself comfortable, same as the others…" Her voice became much quieter as she spoke, and I furrowed my brow at her.
"Amy, what is it?" I asked, sensing something was wrong. She didn't answer me for a few moments, and then took a deep breath.
"We lost a few people," she finally confessed, looking at me sadly. "John and Minnie. Caleb's men tried to execute all of us before Negan could get to us."
I closed my eyes and tried not to think about that image. Amy had witnessed all of it, while I had been experiencing my own hell. Neither of us would ever be the same after what happened to us.
"Negan brought Caleb here, Elle." My eyes flew open at her words. "He's been torturing him."
My brow creased at her words and I stared at her in confusion. I knew Negan had a brutal side to him, but torture seemed strange to me. Why wouldn't he have just killed him?
Then I remembered back to what Negan had said to me at the gate…
"For every fucking time he hurts you, I'm going to hurt him even fucking worse."
Clearly he'd meant it.
I didn't know what kind of torture Negan was inflicting on him, and I wasn't really sure how to feel about it. I was just happy to be away from that psychopath.
"We all have our own bedrooms, and Negan says we are his guests," Amy explained. "He wants us to try out living here, and if we like it, he said we can stay."
Of course he did.
I didn't have the energy to be angry with him about bringing Doveport to his home base. I needed to focus on getting better before I picked fights with him. I needed to rest.
And I needed to thank him.
"Where is Negan?" I asked.
"I haven't seen him all day. He kind of seems like a busy guy. This place is huge," Amy regarded the room. "Oh, and Carson said you can stay in the infirmary until you're healed. You should try to get more sleep. I need to go let the others know that you're okay."
I could feel sleep trying to claim me again, and I just nodded at her. I laid my head back onto the pillow just as the meds kicked in. I drifted off to sleep after only a few minutes.
The next time I woke up, the pain was unbearable. I sat up fast and looked around, immediately noticing the small paper cup of water and pills laying on a white desk. I grabbed them and shoved them into my mouth, swallowing them immediately. I knew it would take a few minutes for the pain to die down, and I laid back onto the pillow and shut my eyes while I waited.
After a few minutes, I started to feel numb again. I focused on my breathing, anticipating the pain to start back up at any second. When it didn't, I sat up very carefully and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. As I set my feet on the floor, I braced myself against the bed and stood up on wobbly legs. There was a small window behind me where I saw the sun was setting. I glanced over at Eric who was still unconscious. I noticed the bruises that decorated his face and arms and frowned as I inspected him. I wished I had been able to help him.
I headed into a bathroom that was inside the infirmary and closed the door carefully. Flipping on the light, my eyes immediately went to my reflection and I sighed.
I looked like hell.
On closer inspection, I noticed some of the cuts didn't have bandages and I could count the stitches. I lifted the large shirt to look at my stomach and noted that my skin there was also forever scarred. I stared at myself and saw just how broken I looked—not just physically, but emotionally. My one eye was black and blue, but they both looked dead. Caleb may not have killed me, but did plenty of damage.
I hadn't noticed right away, but my breathing had picked up. I was becoming anxious as I stood in front of the mirror, seeing this stranger staring back at me. I turned away and tried not to look at my reflection anymore.
I left the bathroom and headed back over to my medical bed. There was a fresh pair of jeans on the little table next to my bed, and I pulled them on before heading out of the infirmary.
I needed to see Negan, I wanted to thank him for saving our lives. If he hadn't showed up early, I would be dead.
I passed by a few members of the Sanctuary as I walked through the halls. All of them avoided eye contact, but I knew they were gawking at me the moment my back was turned. I was a walking freakshow. My left leg was more sore than my right, and I walked with a slight limp. I couldn't move as fast as normal, but I was determined to get to Negan.
When I arrived at the familiar door, I could hear two voices coming from the other side, but they stopped abruptly when I knocked..
"Come in!" Negan called, and I pulled the door open.
Negan sat on his leathered loveseat with a notepad and pen, but looked up as I entered. Vivienne sat across from him in one of the little box chairs, and her eyes widened at the sight of me.
"Elle…" She trailed off as she stared at my bandages. The silence that grew was awkward.
"The meds help," I said with a smile, trying to show her that I was okay. Negan set the notepad off to the side and regarded me without saying anything. I couldn't read him, as usual, but his expression was grim.
"Is everything okay?" I asked, taking my eyes off Negan and looking back at Vivienne. It was odd for her to be having a casual conversation with Negan on her own, let alone in his room.
"I'm helping Negan make plans for a garden here at the Sanctuary. He's been asking my advice on how to help make the vegetables grow." She gave me a warm smile, and then turned to Negan, but he didn't take his eyes off me.
"Oh, that's good. Vivienne is very good with that stuff." I directed my smile at Negan, but he didn't reciprocate it.
"You should be in bed," he said in a low voice. I noticed how his eyes trailed down my body. I wondered if he was picturing the many bandages and stitched up cuts that were hidden underneath my clothes, though there were plenty visible on my arms, and of course the obvious one on my neck.
"I know. I just wanted to say thank you." I hoped I sounded as sincere as I felt.
Negan didn't respond right away, and then scoffed at me.
"You should have been more careful," he sneered, picking up his notepad and directing his attention back to whatever he was writing. I frowned at him and glanced over at Vivienne, who was staring down at the ground, avoiding my gaze. I didn't understand why he was being so mean about what had happened. Was it because Vivienne was here?
"Regardless, you saved my life…" I continued, tilting my head at him. He appeared to be reading the notepad as I stood there awkwardly.
Negan let out a loud sigh and then looked back up at me.
"Yeah, well… you owe me now."
I owed him?!
Where the fuck was this coming from? I knew he could be an inconsiderate asshole, but his sudden indifference made no sense. The way he'd shouted my name as I bled out on the floor of the cafeteria— the sound in his voice when I woke up at the Sanctuary…
"It's okay, Elle. You're safe. I've got you."
His words echoed in my head and I stared at him as he turned back to his notepad.
"What the fuck is your problem?" I demanded, balling my hands into fists as my anger bubbled to the surface. I realized he was avoiding my gaze.
No—he was trying not to look at me—at my body.
He was disgusted with me.
"It's my scars, isn't it?" I let out an angry laugh and shook my head. "You're repulsed by the fact that I got carved up like a jack-o-lantern."
"Go lay down," he said in a stern voice, not even looking up from the notepad.
"I am trying to thank you, Negan!" I could hear my voice crack."But you can't even look at me!" I didn't want to get emotional, and tried my best to control my temper.
I had almost forgotten Vivienne was still in the room. She sat silently in the chair only a few feet from where I was standing and having a hissy fit, and she was clearly uncomfortable.
I realized I was wasting my time with him. I had thought he cared about me, but clearly I was wrong.
I placed a hand on Vivienne's shoulder, patting her gently.
"Goodnight, Viv," I muttered, and turned to go.
My left leg gave out under me, and I groaned as they both buckled. I fell to the floor with a thud.
"Elle!" Vivienne cried out, and I heard her stand up, but a shrill whistle sounded out. Two Saviors came sprinting into the bedroom as I slowly started to get back onto my feet. One of them reached a hand out, but I slapped it away and stood on my own.
"Take her back to the infirmary," Negan ordered. I looked over my shoulder and glared at him. He hadn't even gotten up from the couch to help me.
"I can walk," I growled, yanking my arm out of one of the Savior's grasp. I stormed out as best I could despite my non-cooperative legs without saying another word to him.
I returned to the infirmary, wondering why Negan had been such an ass. I regretted going to thank him.
His frigid response to my gratitude hurt more than the thirty-seven cuts put together.