"How's she doing, doc?"
Negan was peering over Dr. Carson's shoulder as he inspected my wounds. The bandage around my neck was removed and the doctor was making sure the deep gash was closing. I was sitting on the edge of the bed as he looked me over, and Negan was watching him closely, constantly lurking right behind him.
"They're definitely scarred, but I'd say this was best case scenario. None of her cuts got infected. It's still gonna be a little tender, but she doesn't need to wear bandages anymore." Dr. Carson answered him, and I glanced down at the mark on my neck. The skin was pink and raised, but it was no longer open and red. It had been six weeks since Caleb had come to Doveport, though it felt like it happened both yesterday and another lifetime ago.
"Thank you, Dr. Carson." I smiled warmly at him and he nodded at me.
"How are you feeling otherwise?" he asked, looking me dead in the eye. I knew he wasn't talking about the scars anymore. Negan had told him about my little episodes, and the restless nights.
"I haven't thought about the pain medication in a few days, actually. And the hallucinations have stopped."
That wasn't a lie—Philip had been the last one I'd seen. In the week since then, I was feeling more like myself; the nausea was gone, and the headache was almost completely non-existent. Perhaps my visit from Philip had caused a weight to be lifted off my shoulders.
"Good," Carson said, and turned to face Negan. "As long as she doesn't touch the pills again, there's no reason to be concerned."
Negan was staring down at me and didn't seem convinced. Once Carson collected his things and left the room, I laid back onto the bed and chuckled to myself.
"What the fuck are you giggling about?" Negan stood over the bed and crossed his arms. I leaned up a bit on my elbows so I could see him.
"I'm better! I can go home now."
A deep frown appeared on his face.
"Negan, please! Carson said I could!" I sat up fully and my brows knit together. I didn't understand why he was being difficult about this—why every single time the school came up we ended up arguing.
"You can go back when I say you can go back," he said sternly.
I let out a sigh and flopped down onto the bed. This shouldn't have come as a surprise—I had made a deal with Negan that if he let the other Doveporters go home, I would stay at the Sanctuary for as long as he wanted. But without the updates from Amy, I was starting to get worried about my friends. It wasn't that I hated being around Negan. I was just homesick.
"Okay, but can I at least leave your bedroom seeing as my rehab is officially over?" I suggested. Negan brought a hand to his eyes and rubbed, huffing in frustration.
"You just don't want to lose your bed buddy." I jested—it was my lame attempt to lighten the mood, but it worked. A smile slowly formed on his mouth.
"You know you love it, too." He grinned cheekily and I rolled my eyes.
"I love being able to take a piss without having to ask for permission," I mumbled, watching him closely. He still seemed unsure, but I could tell he was considering it. "Please?" I added, sticking out my bottom lip in a dramatic pout.
His eyes seemingly fixated on my bottom lip that was jutted out. Even after I stopped pouting, he continued to stare down at my mouth, and my mind went back to our most recent kiss. It had been my attempt at comforting him after he told me about Lucille, but it had ended up being so much more than that. I didn't know if this attraction was fleeting, and we both hadn't talked about it, as if mentioning it was taboo.
After a few long moments, he let out a sigh and nodded. I couldn't help the goofy grin that spread across my face and I stood from the bed. There was a small part of me that wanted to throw my arms around him in a hug, but I didn't want to press my luck and instead went to the door. I knocked a few times and waited. When it opened, Naomi was standing before me and she looked slightly confused to find it was me.
"Negan said I can leave," I informed her, the large smile still on my face. Naomi looked over my shoulder at Negan.
"She's free to go," he said, in almost a grumble. I glanced back just in time to see him give Naomi a stern look. She nodded and then pulled the door open wide.
"Sweet. Let's go see if your room is still available."
I stepped out into the hallway to follow her, but turned to look at Negan before I left. He still looked so uncertain, as if he thought I wasn't ready. But I was no longer focused on getting more pills. I just wanted to go home. I smiled warmly at him; he had to know how thankful I was. He had practically saved my life. He simply nodded, and then Naomi let the door fall closed.
She brought me to another bedroom that was just down the hall from Negan's, as mine had been given to another Sanctuary member. This one was much smaller and simple, but I was just grateful that I finally had my freedom again. After checking out my new room, I realized Naomi was still with me, leaning up against the door frame.
"What do you wanna do?" she asked, wiggling her eyebrows at me.
"I don't know," I said, pursing my lips. "I've been locked up for so long, and to be honest, I just wanna go home."
"Well I can't help with that," she gestured with her thumb over her shoulder towards the hallway. "But the marketplace is open. We could go see what's there."
"That sounds like fun." I approached her at the door and she held it open for me.
We walked through the halls in a comfortable silence. When we passed by a familiar room, I couldn't help but stare—it was the infirmary, and the door was no longer open. As if she could read my mind, Naomi grabbed my arm and continued to pull me along.
"Don't even think about it. It's locked now."
I had kind of figured it would be. What I hadn't realized up until that moment was what Negan had been conveying when he had given Naomi such a hardened look. She was shadowing me, and making sure I didn't get into any trouble. He still couldn't trust me, and that was probably fair. I wasn't entirely sure if I could trust myself.
The marketplace was busy, and everyone was moving around the little tables that were set out. The chatter was low, but still echoed off the colored windows. As we walked past the booths, I stared down at the items people were selling. There were all kinds of food, from baked goods to canned fruits and vegetables. Some people were selling crafts and others had items found from scavenging runs. I remembered the last time I was here with Naomi, which was the first time I had come to the Sanctuary.
The same day I killed A.J.
I shook the memory from my head and approached a table that had a few knitted items laid out. There were a few hats and scarfs, and a decent sized, white blanket. I reached out to touch the soft fabric, and then looked at the seller. She was a short, young woman, with medium length blond hair and big brown eyes. She seemed nervous when she realized I was staring at her. I smiled at her, in an attempt to show I was friendly.
"These are gorgeous," I said. I continued to touch the fluffy blanket.
"Th-thanks," she stuttered, grabbing her arm and rubbing it as if she was uneasy. She was shy, and I thought it was kind of cute. Naomi picked up a blue hat and placed it on her head.
"How much?" she asked. There weren't any prices on the items. The girl averted her eyes and stared down at the table.
"Um… 5 points?" She didn't sound very confident.
"Let's make it 20." Naomi picked up a little notepad that was sitting on the table along with the pen to fill out her spent points. I hadn't realized, but I was rubbing my hand absentmindedly over the blanket.
"What about the blanket?" Naomi inquired, gesturing to the one I was touching, and I pulled my hand away and glanced up at the girl.
"Um…" She didn't look up and chewed her lip nervously.
"Dang kid, you gotta figure out your prices. These assholes will eat you alive out here," Naomi said, and playfully punched the girl's shoulder. She froze in terror, but nodded in agreement. When her eyes finally met mine again, I smiled a little bit.
"I don't have any points, but they really are lovely. You're very talented."
"Thank you." She smiled a bit back at me and then looked down at the blanket. "Here, take it."
My eyes grew wide at what she was implying.
"Oh, I can't do that." I raised my hands up in protest, but she picked up the blanket and held it out to me.
"Please? I-I want you to have it." She started to tremble, and I reached out and took the blanket carefully. She pulled away fast, and I stared down at the beautiful knitted patterns.
"You really don't have to." I held the blanket awkwardly in my arms. Naomi patted me on the back reassuringly.
"It's okay, Elle. Mouse makes bank selling this stuff. Don't you?"
The girl, or 'Mouse' as Naomi called her, nodded and shuffled her feet.
"Yeah, I uh… I have lots of points. I can aff-afford it."
I pulled the blanket towards my chest and hugged it to me.
"Well thank you. This is very kind of you." It still didn't feel right to take it without paying, but Mouse smiled as I finally accepted her gift.
"Come on, let's go get dinner. See you later, Mouse!" Naomi called over her shoulder as she pulled me along. I waved goodbye to Mouse, who waved back and smiled sheepishly.
Naomi and I ate in the dining hall together, and I tried to ignore the fact that the last time we were here, A.J. had interrupted our meal. I remembered how uneasy Naomi had been when he sat down with us, and the creepy way he had looked at me. Glancing down at my new blanket, I realized my headache was back and I had a strong urge to take something to fight it.
But I couldn't use the pills ever again—not if I was going to make it back to Doveport.
I brought the spoon to my mouth and sipped a bit of chicken noodle soup. It was filled with carrots and basil, which I imagined came from Vivienne's garden, and it was absolutely delicious. After I drank the broth from the bowl, I set it down and watched Naomi slurp up the rest of hers.
"Negan said he brought my friends home," I said, watching her to see if it was true. She nodded and set her spoon inside of her empty bowl.
"Yeah, about a week ago. It was kind of late at night, but I was with them. They're all okay." It was like she had read my mind and answered my unasked question. I had believed Negan, but I only had his word. Hearing that they were okay from Naomi as a confirmation made me feel a little bit better. Still, that was a week ago, and a lot could happen in a week.
"I heard Negan made them watch him burn someone's face." I wondered if Naomi was aware that's why my friends hadn't wanted to stay.
"Yeah, they didn't handle it well. Your pregnant friend especially. I thought she was going to throw up." Naomi let out a sigh and rolled her shoulders as she spoke. "I know Negan's methods are extreme, and I don't think most of us agree with it, but he's our leader. No one wants to challenge him because he'd probably just burn their entire face off, and you have to agree, it does keep people in line."
"He said someone stole something," I mumbled, fidgeting a bit. I was really glad I hadn't been there to see the horror show of melting skin. I had enough scars under my belt and didn't need that mental one. Naomi didn't seem to be disturbed when talking about it.
"Yeah, Billy. He's new. He didn't realize that you can't pull a fast one on Negan. It's not worth it." Naomi shook her head in disbelief. "He took a few guns and some food. Sounds like he was going to try and leave."
"Do people run a lot?" I asked.
"Not really. Most people are too terrified, and I think they know they couldn't do better on their own without Negan. It really isn't that hard to follow his rules and as long as you do your job, you'll stay on his good side. He's building a foundation here, and they're safer inside the Sanctuary than they were out there. "
We both looked towards the window and then Naomi stood up from the table.
"You don't have to worry about trying to run. I'm sure he's gonna bring you home soon." She grabbed both our bowls and I sighed.
"I hope so," I replied. Running hadn't even been an idea in my head. I had no idea how to get back to Doveport from the Sanctuary and I really didn't want to find out what Negan would do if I tried. Though I wasn't entirely sure he would hurt me anymore.
Naomi carried our bowls to the bin for dirty dishes and then came back over to the table.
"Ready to call it a night?" she asked. I stood up and grabbed my blanket, giving her a short nod.
As we left the cafeteria, I couldn't help but think about Billy and how Negan burned his face.
I had stolen meds and overdosed.
So why didn't Negan punish me for it?
I tossed and turned in my new bed, unable to sleep. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable, or that I felt unsafe—I was wrapped up in my new knitted blanket and the door was locked. Still, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't relax. I was wound up, and the silence of my new room had me feeling anxious. Perhaps I missed the large king size mattress I had been able to stretch out in, or Negan's light snoring. Or maybe I missed my bed back at Doveport and being with my friends.
Or maybe I had something else on my mind…
Giving up on sleep, I sat up on my bed and wrapped the white blanket around my shoulders. Clad only in my tank top and some shorts Naomi had given me, I placed my bare feet on the cold floor and exited my room quietly.
The hallway was empty and dark; it was the middle of the night, and everyone was in bed, except for a few Saviors that were patrolling the fence outside. I made my way towards Negan's room and once I reached the painted door, I knocked lightly.
As I waited for him, I noticed the outside lock had been removed. It wasn't necessary because my rehab was over and I didn't need to be locked inside. I reached out to the knob to turn it and was surprised when it clicked. It was unlocked.
I held my breath before I pushed it open.
What if he was with one of his wives?
What if he would get angry with me?
The door was already part ways open, so I continued to push it and stepped into his room. Looking over at the bed, I saw Negan was laying on his side facing me; his chest raised up and down and his features were relaxed. He was alone.
I smiled at the sight and carefully closed and locked door, making as little noise as possible. I wasn't sure why he hadn't locked it himself, but thought maybe it was because he had forgotten. He hadn't needed to lock it for weeks because it had been on the opposite side of the door.
Moving carefully, I approached the bed, studying his sleeping face. It felt awkward to be staring at him as he slept, and I wondered if I should wake him up. He looked so peaceful, and I loved seeing him like this and didn't want to disturb him. I wasn't even sure why I had come to his room. Of course he would be sleeping—and if he hadn't been, what would I have said?
Adjusting the blanket on my shoulders, I went back to the door. Just as I was unlocked the it and turned the knob, a deep voice made me freeze.
"Elle?"
I slowly turned to find two familiar hazel eyes were locked on me.
"I'm sorry." My hand dropped from the door. Like a deer caught in the headlights, I stood before him stunned. I hadn't meant to wake him up.
He sat up a bit and rubbed at his eyes.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked languidly, squinting at me in the dark room.
I shrugged and smiled awkwardly.
"I couldn't sleep," I replied with a nervous chuckle. "I guess I missed my bed buddy."
Negan paused a few moments before a smirk formed on his lips. He patted the empty spot next to him, giving me permission to join him. I rounded the bed to the other side and crawled in next to him, laying my blanket out so it was spread over my body.
I laid back without saying anything. My heart was pounding so loud and I took a deep breath, resting against the pillow.
Why am I here?
When I glanced over at Negan, I found him staring at me. When he didn't look away, I turned onto my side to face him and smiled a little.
He lifted his hand and brought it to my face, tucking some of my hair behind my ear. I froze as his thumb gently grazed my cheek and on instinct, I reached out and took his retreating hand into mine. My fingers felt so much smaller than his, but I squeezed his hand into mine and closed my eyes as I rested against the pillow. It was like electricity was running through my veins as I felt the heat from his skin.
Suddenly I felt a light pressure against my lips, and I opened my eyes. Negan had closed the space between us and was kissing me very gently. It was brief, and he pulled away as if to gauge my reaction.
It was like I was in a trance, and the only thing that existed in that moment was us. I reached up to wrap an arm around his neck and pulled him back in, melding my lips with his.
The sound of our eager kiss filled the room and I let out a soft moan. On queue, Negan's hand went to my body and slid down to grip my hip, pulling me even closer against him. I reached out and placed a hand against his bare chest, feeling his heartbeat. It was pounding rapidly, just like mine.
It was this discovery that had me realize that this wasn't an illusion—this was real.
We wanted each other.
When our lips broke apart so we could catch our breaths, I let my hands trail down, feeling the muscles in his chest and the soft hair there. His fingers continued to brush along me, touching each curve. We smiled as we eagerly explored one another.
I gasped when he rolled over to be on top of me, and leaned down to give me a long kiss. My hand slipped from his abdomen and brushed against his boxers and my heart skipped a beat. He was becoming aroused, and I bit my lip as I felt him.
This was happening.
Negan's lips left mine and he groaned low as I touched him. His breathing picked up and he cupped one of my breasts, squeezing it. As if we couldn't get enough of each other, we both met halfway and our lips crashed together again and again. His tongue danced against mine while his hands gripped the bottom of my tank top. He started to roll it up my body, and then kissed down my neck, making me shiver in delight.
He sat up a bit and moved his mouth down to my exposed belly, kissing me there. The feeling of his beard rubbing against my stomach made me giggle. I tried to pull away, but he gripped my hips and held me in place, kissing my belly-button and moving upwards as he pulled the tank top up. I squirmed a bit as he tickled me with his kisses and I felt him smile against my skin.
His lips pressed lightly against my scars, and I closed my eyes, trying to get lost in the sensation. I brought a hand to his tousled hair and lightly gripped it, lacing my fingers in his locks. I wanted to feel more of him and tugged him gently, trying to get him back up so I could kiss his lips.
But when I opened my eyes, it wasn't Negan.
Instead, A.J. was grinning up at me.
I immediately closed my eyes again and let out a deep breath, tensing up.
Not now. Please, not now.
Negan's mouth left my stomach and he sat up off me.
"What's wrong?" he asked, taking my hand into his. I opened my eyes and shook my head with a smile.
"Nothing, I'm fine." I tried to be as reassuring as I could be. I didn't want to ruin this moment, and hoped I didn't look as startled as I felt.
Negan's hand left mine and he stared down at me. He seemed conflicted—I could see the lust blown look in his eyes, but he had sensed my hesitation. I sat up quickly, and reached up to cup his face, but he turned his head away.
"I have to be up early…" His tone was final, and my heart jumped into my throat. He had felt me freeze up when I saw A.J. He knew something was wrong and was putting a stop to things because I had been uncomfortable.
He moved across the bed and rested his head against the pillow. I watched him as tears welled up in my eyes as I realized he was quite literally distancing himself from me.
Moving so his back was facing me, I wanted so badly to reach out to him, but I knew our fun, little adventure was done.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, and my voice cracked as I tried not to cry. I felt stupid. I shouldn't have come to him. I should have just stayed in my room.
"It's okay," he said reassuringly, but then didn't say anything else.
It didn't feel okay. I had ruined everything, and I wouldn't blame him if he resented me for it.
I continued to sit there as he relaxed against the pillow and eventually started to snore. I stared at his back and felt a tear roll down my cheek.
I wished I could fix myself.
I wished I could just be normal and not feel guilty about everything that had happened.
As I sat next to Negan's sleeping form, I wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy life's little pleasures.
Or maybe I didn't deserve that anymore.