Eleven

Olivia didn't speak to Kathy again until she had led the woman into her apartment. "Coat and shoes over here, please," she said, waving to the right of the front door. They then both removed their coats and shoes. Olivia then led Kathy into a living room area, which backed onto the kitchen 'open concept' style.

"Take a seat," said Olivia, walking into the kitchen area after putting her purse and the photo album on the coffee table. "Red or white?"

"Hmm?" Kathy asked in confusion, pulled away from looking around the apartment.

"Wine," said Olivia, pulling out two bottles from a cupboard. "We're going to need it."

"Oh, uh, red then," said Kathy. Living in Rome for years had given her a true appreciation for the beverage. She felt so nervous and on edge, and she knew that wine would help them both in this situation.

Kathy placed her purse on the coffee table beside Olivia's before sitting down on the sofa. She clenched her hand and tried to keep her leg from jiggling rapidly, as it tended to do when she was frightened. As she listened to Olivia pouring out their drinks, Kathy looked around the room. Her son must be in school now, as it was Monday. Looking on the walls and shelves, Kathy found plenty of pictures of him, ranging from a baby to eight or nine years old.

When Olivia walked back into the living room, carrying a bottle of red and two wine glasses, Kathy said softly, "He's beautiful, Liv."

Olivia took a deep breath as she sat down beside Kathy on the sofa, which surprised Kathy, who'd figured Olivia would sit opposite her like in an interrogation. "Yes, he is," said Olivia softly, concentrating on pouring out the wine.

"May I ask his name?"

Olivia handed Kathy her glass. "Noah."

They sat there in silence, holding their glasses, for a long minute before Kathy spoke again. "I think…the best way to do this is if you ask questions and I answer them."

"Alright," said Olivia. She took her first sip of wine slowly, contemplating what to ask first. Then, she pointed to Kathy's left hand, devoid of a wedding ring. "When did that happen?"

"Right after your ceremony," replied Kathy. "We've both hired our old divorce lawyers and the proceedings have begun."

"Just because of what happened last week?"

"That wasn't enough?" When Olivia conceded the point with a nod, Kathy continued. "But even if it had gone smoothly, we would still be doing this."

"Why?" asked Olivia, looking truly perplexed.

Kathy took her own first sip of wine before responding. "Because I watched him when he saw you again, heard your voice again. I knew then that there was no way he could leave New York – or you – again."

Olivia reacted by turning away and shutting her eyes, as if she couldn't – or wouldn't – comprehend what Kathy had just said. Finally, when she spoke again, she spoke into her wineglass. "Do you hate me?"

The question broke Kathy's heart and she sighed. "I often wished I could, and sometimes, I tried. But you always respected my marriage, were always so good to my kids, and you had my husband's back and made sure he came home, so how could I? You may not believe me, but that's the truth."

"It's hard to believe otherwise," said Olivia, looking at Kathy again. "I can't think of why else you would do this, Kathy."

"Fear, envy, and insecurity, Olivia. Hate had nothing to do with it."

To her surprise, Kathy watched Olivia roll her eyes and shake her head in disgust. "You had nothing to worry about, Kathy! I would cut off my own arm before I broke up your marriage! I'm already a product of rape, I'm not going to be a homewrecker, too."

Kathy almost dropped her glass as she gasped in shock. "W-what?"

Olivia furrowed her brow. "Elliot never told you?"

Kathy shook her head. "All he said about your family was that you were the child of a single mother with no siblings. He told me when your mother died, too, but that's it."

Since the cat was out of the bag, Olivia sighed and said, "That's right, but it's not all. My mother was raped by a stranger on the street one night. As a result, she got pregnant and she had me. Our relationship was…complicated, to say the least. She turned to alcohol to cope, and she died by falling down a flight of stairs after coming out of her favorite bar."

Kathy felt a chill wrap around her body upon hearing this. Her grandfather had been an alcoholic, but he'd died when she was still very young. Her mother had only rarely spoken of her father, and she could only imagine everything she didn't say.

Olivia continued before Kathy could say anything, looking at her with a sad smile. "You see why I find it laughable that you could ever envy me? It was me who envied you, Kathy."

"I don't think it's laughable at all," said Kathy, setting her jaw. "One, you're absolutely gorgeous. Two, you didn't get your entire life decided for you when you were seventeen years old. You were independent, you were strong, living your life the way you chose, with only yourself to answer to. Three…you spent more time with Elliot than I ever did."

Olivia's lips twisted. "One, you're a beautiful woman. Two, you have a family, the kind of family I could only dream about. Three…you were married to him."

They stared at each other for a long minute before they just couldn't stop themselves anymore: they burst into hysterical laughter. It struck them both just how silly and childish this game of "who's more jealous" really was. And after all that had happened, they had to either laugh or cry. And neither of them were ready to cry in front of each other yet.

Eventually, Bernie led her son into her apartment and sat him down on her sofa. She then hurried into her kitchen to make them some tea. Chamomile tea seemed to be correct for the circumstances. It worried her that she didn't hear a peep out of Elliot as she prepared their drinks, but neither did she hear her door, so he was still there.

She entered her living room with the tea tray slowly so as not to spill or drop anything. Elliot was still on the sofa, his head in his hands. He didn't get up to help her at all, which was another very worrying sign. After she'd set the tray on the coffee table and seated herself down beside him, Bernie touched his shoulder gently.

"Talk to me, baby."

Elliot's hands dropped from his face, and she could see tears on his cheeks. "I hate myself…" he breathed. "I've ruined everything…"

Looking at him, Bernie's mind went back to that terrible night she had chased snowflakes while driving with Elliot beside her. How terrified he'd been, and how hurt…what she'd felt then as paramedics had put her little boy into an ambulance, Bernie was sure that Elliot was feeling right now.

Reaching out, Bernie took Elliot's left hand in hers, touching his bare ring finger. "So, it's over for good this time?"

"Yes. That's the only thing I'm certain of right now."

"What happened?"

"Kathleen hasn't told you?"

"All she said was that I should hear about it from you."

Elliot nodded. "She's been great this past week, and she hasn't pressed me to talk, which I appreciate. I haven't been ready to talk until now…and I knew you would understand."

Bernie took his hands in hers and listened as Elliot told her the whole story.

When both women had settled down, Olivia asked Kathy her next question.

"What happened after Elliot shot Jenna Fox? I can understand why Elliot would quit SVU after that, but I can't understand why he would cut me off completely. Maybe you don't know everything; just tell me what you do know."

Kathy nodded, refilling her wine glass. "When he came home that day, he was a wreck. He sobbed himself to sleep in my arms after he told me what happened. The next week, he only left the house to speak to IAB. He would come home and just shut down, drinking in front of the TV and refusing to talk. It got so bad that I sent Eli to stay with Maureen for the weekend.

"Then, he came home after his last interview with IAB a different man. I don't know how else to describe it. He was…determined, hardened, and set on putting in his papers. He said this guy at IAB – Tucker, I think his name was – was doing everything he could to make sure it would be next to impossible for Elliot to come back to SVU. That he'd have to jump through a lot of hoops to ever get his gun back."

Olivia looked away from Kathy and refilled her own wine glass practically to the brim. Not thinking anything of this reaction, figuring that Olivia must know Tucker and understand, Kathy continued.

"Well…Elliot said that it wasn't worth doing all of that to get back on SVU, plus…he'd been having nightmares about what happened, and I think the IAB obstacle gave him the out he needed to walk away from the job."

Olivia nodded. "Like I said, I completely understand why he left. For a great father like him with three daughters, shooting a teenage girl who was the daughter of a victim that we were trying to help…I saw his face afterwards. But did he really think I wouldn't understand? That I would try to talk him out of it?"

"You wouldn't have? Not even a little?"

Olivia thought about it. "Well…I wouldn't have liked hearing it, and maybe I would have pushed back at first. But I would have ultimately understood. And hearing it from him rather than my captain would have made a lot of difference."

Kathy nodded. "When he told me he was going to hand in his papers, the first thing I asked is if you knew or had talked to you about it. He said he'd tell you when he was ready. Time went by, and I noticed how he would avoid your calls and texts. Whenever I pointed it out to him, he'd snap and say he'd talk to you when he was ready. He was still battling nightmares and anxiety, and I didn't want to push.

"Then, Elliot found a job overseas, based in London. I have to admit, we jumped at it. He saw it as the fresh start that he thought he needed, and I'd always dreamed of seeing the world outside of New York. I'd miss the older kids, of course, but I felt we'd regret it if this opportunity passed us by. We sold the house and left within a month of the decision."

"Hmm…" said Olivia, looking away. "Cragen made me pack up Elliot's desk after he'd been gone a while and his replacement came. I drove to your house but received quite a surprise when I saw a new family moving in. That was the second to last time I tried calling him."

"What was the last time?" asked Kathy, dreading what the answer might be.

"Eli's next birthday…that's when I learned the number was disconnected."

Kathy lowered her head in shame. "He got a new phone when we moved…Olivia, I should have pushed him more about you, but please understand that it took him over a year to truly feel normal again after that shooting. Part of me was frightened that pushing him to talk to you would make it worse purely because you were connected to it…but the other part of me was just too excited to have this fresh start and didn't want to dredge up old fears and insecurities."

Olivia sighed and slowly nodded, sipping her wine before speaking. "I honestly don't blame you for that. Yeah, it was shitty and it sucked, but…that's nothing compared to what you really need to explain to me: May 2013."

Kathy downed the rest of her wine glass and took a minute to center herself before speaking.

"May 2013…by that time, we were still based in London and had really settled into our new life. Elliot was working a private security gig in Italy and had been gone for about a week. I hate to say this, but our old life in New York really felt behind us. It was easier for us not to think about it…or you. Elliot was no longer haunted by that last case, and adapted to his new career line better than I thought.

"Kathleen was the one who called me, hysterical, in the middle of the night for me due to the time difference. She could only express the basic details, but they were enough: you were missing, abducted, and the entire tri-state area was on alert. We stayed on the phone for a long time, glued to our laptops and watching for any news and update. I had to stop when Eli woke up, but I checked my phone throughout the day. All of the kids back home were glued to the story. I wanted to call Elliot, I promise you, but the assignment he was working on was highly sensitive, very restricted about incoming and outgoing communications.

"Finally, about twenty-four hours after Kathleen first called, the news came through that you'd been found alive. We all cried with relief. We all wanted to reach out, but…it had been two years, and Elliot didn't even know yet. So, we settled on a flower arrangement from all of us. I told them I would let Elliot know as soon as he got home, and to let him reach out to you in his own way…And I meant it, Liv. At the time, I swear that I meant it."

"So, what changed?" asked Olivia, anger only thinly veiling the hurt in her voice.

Kathy gulped and wiped her face with her hand, a habit she had picked up from Elliot. "He came home about two weeks after you'd been found…and he was a wreck. My first thought when I saw him was, "He knows. He found out. This is going to kill him." He barely talked or spoke for almost a week. He was barely home; when he wasn't at work, he was out working out or running or getting drunk somewhere. It was even more frightening than the aftermath of the shooting…

"Then, finally, he came back home one night late and I couldn't take it anymore. Eli was frightened, we couldn't go on like this, so I begged him to just talk to me."

Tears came into Kathy's eyes at this, and the next words out of her mouth came out almost against her will, because they came from the deepest part of her heart.

"All I ever wanted was for him to talk to me."

Olivia almost gasped at the rawness of Kathy's tone and expression. All throughout their partnership, Olivia had always seen Elliot's point of view first. She knew that he tried to keep as much of his job away from Kathy and his family, to the point where he would shut her out. She'd even called him on it once, in the third year of their partnership. But she ultimately couldn't blame Elliot for his silence. She saw what he saw on the job, and she wouldn't wish that on anybody who didn't have to experience it.

Plus, if she was being extremely honest, the selfish part of her liked how she could have this part of Elliot to herself, even if it was the only part she'd ever get.

Kathy continued after a shuddering breath. "Well…he did. It turns out he was broken for another reason…The job he was working had gone south. There was a mass shooting during a large party his clients were throwing, and there was a lot of damage done. Elliot wasn't hurt, but he threw himself into working with the fire department, police and paramedics, making sure everyone was at least accounted for, though there were some casualties.

"But the family he was working for only cared about keeping themselves and their reputations safe. Turns out the gunman was a cousin who was high and disgruntled about his trust fund being cut off. The family used their money to help him out of the country and minimalize it in the press. You can imagine how Elliot felt about it."

Olivia snorted. "Yes, I can."

"Safe to say, he was furious. And because he focused more on helping the people that were in the crossfire of the gunman than the family itself (all of whom got away without a scratch), they fired him and filed a complaint with his firm.

"We talked for a long time that night, and he told me all of this and how it affected him. On the one hand, being involved in a shooting situation had brought back those terrible memories. On the other hand, helping the rescuers made him realize how much he missed working for the people. It took him two more years, but then he found his job in Rome as a police liaison."

Kathy paused to wipe away a tear before continuing.

"Finally…after he'd confided all of this to me, he apologized to me. Not just for the way he'd been acting since he came back, but for all of the times he had shut me out in the past. It was the deepest conversation I can remember us having…I hadn't felt so close to him in such a long time…" Kathy hung her head as she shook with repressed sobs that she refused to give into. "I couldn't bring myself to bring you into that conversation, Olivia."

Looking up, Kathy looked at Olivia with agonized eyes. "After that night, I told myself that it wasn't the right time to tell him. The shooting had brought back the nightmares and flashbacks, and he went into therapy. I told the kids all about it, so they never pushed about it or you. As he got stronger, I told myself every day to tell him. But then I would tell myself that he had to know, that he just couldn't bring himself to talk to me about it because it might dredge up old arguments and insecurities. That he couldn't possibly have gone over two years without a word to you, that he wouldn't do that.

"Then, we came back to New York for Christmas. I remember it was the first time we met Karl, whom Maureen was head over heels for already. I had resolved to bring you up because I figured of course Elliot would reach out to you while we were in the city, after what you'd been through. As we drove from the airport to meet the kids, I asked, 'Are you going to reach out to Olivia? I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.'

"I'll never forget the look on his face as he looked out the car window; it was so wistfully sad. It took him a while to respond. He finally said, 'I've burned that bridge…I'd only cause more damage…she's better off without me, Kath.'

"His tone was so sad and…final. I told myself that he knew and didn't want to make things worse for you. As the years went by, I honestly came to believe that, even though I never pressed him about it. I was too scared to do that, to upend our lives again after we'd finally come to a good place. But last week, I got the answer that I'd been turning a blind eye to: that he really had cut you off completely, like we all had, and that he'd known nothing about it. And that I could have done the right thing at the time…but I didn't."

With that, Kathy buried her face in her hands to hide her tears, and Olivia sat silently shell-shocked beside her.