Sunday had become family day. Arizona and I had decided with the arrival of the twins in a short 22 weeks that we should put some time away weekly for family. A hazard of the job as a surgeon is that you can get swept up in the importance of the job and forget that you have your own life waiting at home waiting to be lived. Sunday was family time, no matter what was going on at the hospital, we made time to be together on a Sunday. Today was the first of many of those Sundays.
I woke up at 3:30am craving steak and eggs. I tried to force myself to go back to sleep but my mind was dead seat on a piece of steak. I climbed out of bed and pulled my dressing gown on. Arizona stirred in her sleep but after rolling in only an hour and a half ago I knew she wasn't ready to get up. I headed to the kitchen and searched the freezer for steak; there was none. I was starting to get grumpy at how difficult it was to get a piece of steak but knowing how irrational my anger was I tried to stay calm.
Arizona stirred in her sleep, her arm falling onto my side of the bed to hug me but my absence caused her to sit up abruptly, "Callie," she said as she looked around the room. Arizona climbed out of bed and walked down the hallway, the light in the kitchen and lounge lighting her way, "Babe, why are you up so early?" Arizona asked drowsily her hand rubbing her eyes as I paced the kitchen my hands on my back.
"I'm craving a steak and some eggs," I explained.
Arizona sighed and she looked at the time, "at 4am?" she asked with a touch of annoyance that she tried not to show.
"I can't help it, my body is doing some weird things," I grumbled. "I was going to go to the store but I didn't want to wake you but I didn't want you to wake up and freak out," I said as I continued to pace back and forward in the kitchen; it seemed to be the only thing that was remotely calming me down.
"If they aren't boys then I don't even know what life is," she sighed "I'll go get you some steak," she said before heading back to the room to put on some proper clothes.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," I said. It was moments like this that I remembered just how lucky I was to have a dedicated mother and wife.
Arizona made the trip to the store to gather anything and everything I might crave today. I had been craving random things, lots of meat, chocolate, cream cheese and spam which usually I despised but ever since I hit the 17 week mark I had just wanted cans and cans of spam. Arizona arrived home with all the craving essentials including steak and more.
"Baby I can cook it, you haven't had much sleep lately, you should go back to bed," I said as Arizona unpacked the bags.
"You sit down and look after our boys," she said. Arizona was convinced that we were having at least one boy if not two based on my abnormal cravings, the excessive kicking and the morning sickness, all symptoms I never showed with Sofia.
"You're tired, you need to sleep," I insisted.
"And I will sleep, after I make you this steak," Arizona said as she lead me over to the couch and sat me down, "You're carrying out children, the least I can do is cook you a steak," she said before kissing my lips.
Arizona went to pull away but before she could leave I grabbed her by the shirt, "Thank you," I whispered.
Arizona leant down and kissed me again, this time a deeper kiss, "You're welcome," she said before pecking my lips one last time before returning to the kitchen to cook my steak and eggs.
After Arizona had cooked my steak she sat with me while I ate it then she dragged me back off to bed. I slept right through to 9am before waking up to the banging and crashing of the kitchen. I turned over and Arizona was still fast asleep. I slid out of bed and wandered through to the lounge to find Sofia mixing flour into a bowl.
"Baby what are you doing?" I asked her as I walked over to the kitchen to investigate. "I'm making you and Mama breakfast. You need to eat lots for the babies" she explained as she grabbed an egg from the egg carton and cracked it into her bowl.
"How did you learn to make pancakes?" I asked her as I grabbed a blueberry out of the bowl that Sofia planned to put into the pancakes.
"Mama taught me. She said you and Dad used to make them for me all the time when I was in your tummy," she explained.
I couldn't help but smile. Just the thought of Mark made me miss him. I leant forward, took Sofia's face between my hands and I gave her a big kiss on the cheek. Sofia squirmed, "Mummy I'm cooking," she objected. I sat up on the stool and watched Sofia continue to beat together the ingredients of the pancakes. I did have to help her when it came to the oven but for the most part she did it entirely on her own.
"Mum can you make Mama a coffee? She will want a coffee if we wake her up," Sofia stated as she placed two pancakes on a plate and covered it in maple syrup.
"You are right, she probably will," I said as I grabbed mine and Arizona's cups out of the cupboard and put a pot of coffee on to brew. "When did you get so grown up anyway missy?" I asked.
"Mum I'm eight soon and I'm going to be a big sister," she exclaimed like that was an obvious answer to a silly question.
When the coffee finished brewing I poured a cup for both myself and Arizona then I followed Sofia down the hall to the bedroom. I figured I'd come back and fetch mine and Sofia's pancakes after we woke Arizona up.
"Mama" Sofia said as she approached a sleeping Arizona. Arizona stirred, the combining smell of pancakes and coffee causing her eyes to flutter open. "I made you pancakes and Mum made you coffee," she said.
Arizona sat up immediately and took the pancakes from Sofia's hands, "Oh my goodness, this looks amazing," Arizona gushed as she took the coffee from me, mouthing thank you as she took a sip.
"You and Daddy used to make Mummy pancakes when she was pregnant with me ae?" Sofia asked as she climbed into the bed beside Arizona.
"That is right, we did. You were our first child and we wanted to spoil your mum and you but your mum never wanted anything so we would make pancakes for her because it was the only thing we knew she would always want," Arizona laughed as she looked up at me our eyes fixating on one another as we remembered together.
"I'll go get your pancakes," I informed Sofia as she watched her Mama anticipating a joyful response to the first bite. Sofia had been weirdly fixated on the memory of her father recently, referencing him every chance she got. We were so happy that Sofia wanted to keep his memory alive but Arizona and I had worried her fixation on the topic was becoming somewhat unhealthy. We had decided to let the ordeal play out for now, maybe it was Sofia's way of dealing with the big changes that were taking place.
I returned to the bedroom carrying mine and Sofia's pancakes. I passed Sofia her plate and fork and I climbed into bed, taking up the last remaining space. "So Sof, your mama and I thought maybe we could go do something fun together. Maybe we could go to the beach," I suggested as I took a bite of my pancake.
Sofia shrugged as if to say she didn't care. "What's wrong Sof?" Arizona asked as she took a sip of her coffee.
"Nothing," she murmured between bites.
"You know you can tell us anything," Arizona reminded her.
Sofia thought about it for a second, "Will the babies have the same Daddy as me?" she asked curiously.
"Honey, your Daddy is in heaven," I stated.
"I know that but if he was here would he be there Daddy too?" she asked.
I looked at Arizona who appeared equally shocked by the question. "Well your Daddy was a wonderful man and an amazing father. They might not have been biologically his but I would imagine your Daddy would have loved them like his own whether we liked it or not," Arizona said a smile coiling on the edges of her lips as she remembered the stubborn man she had for so long despised but had eventually grown to love.
"You've been thinking about your Daddy a lot lately haven't you," I said my eyes darting over to Sofia between bites.
"I just miss him, that's all," she said in a saddened tone.
"Me to baby girl, me too," I responded as we continued to eat.
After cleaning up the memories of the morning, Arizona, Sofia and I made our way to the beach. Sofia loved to swim, something that she shared with her mother but since Arizona's accident she had become slightly funny about swimming, especially in such public places. At home Arizona would dive into the pool, no problems at all but at the beach she tried her best to cover any hint of a disability.
"Mama, are you going to come swimming?" Sofia said, the water from her recent dip in the ocean dripping onto the sand beneath her.
"Yeah mama, go swimming," I urged.
"Maybe a bit later baby," Arizona said shooting me a sideways glance. Sofia grabbed her boogie board and headed back out between the flags, her bright pink rash shirt making her stand out from all the other children on the beach.
"Why did you do that?" Arizona asked slightly annoyed.
"Are you really never going to swim in public?" I asked her as I propped myself up on the sand my eyes lingering the coast line as I watched Sofia splash about.
"I don't have a suitable prosthetic for swimming," she sighed.
"Well as an orthopedic surgeon I can one, get you one and two, tell you that the prosthetic you have on would be 100% fine in the ocean a couple of times," I explained.
"People will stare at me," she admitted. I rolled onto my stomach my eyes searching her beautiful blue eyes, "Yeah they will stare for the same reason I stare at you… You've got a smoking hot ass," I joked.
"You're such a perv," she teased back.
"I'm sorry, I'm not the one who put all the clocks forward an hour so you could put Sof to sleep earlier and get some action," I laughed.
"One time and you were giving me the eyes," Arizona argued. "I bet you wont take your t-shirt off," Arizona countered.
"I'm pregnant, nobody wants to see the stretch marks and all that," I responded.
"I do," she muttered seductively.
"So if I take my shirt off, you'll go swimming?" I questioned. Arizona nodded. I paused for a second before sitting up and removing my shirt, revealing my bright red bikini and my 17 week baby bump. I was showing far more at 17 weeks than I had been when I was pregnant with Sofia.
"Put that back on," Arizona said as she covered my breasts with my shirt, "People will stare at you and you'll drive me crazy," she said.
I grabbed the shirt and I put it aside, "you asked for it," I teased.
Arizona looked around just in time to catch a glimpse of a guy googling my breasts which had grown two sizes since I had found out I was pregnant. "Calliope, that guy was looking at you. Put your shirt on," she said almost concerned for me.
"Baby, I'm a woman on the beach wearing a bikini, every guy will look," I said in attempt to calm her down.
"Maybe they should keep their eyes on their own ladies," Arizona scoffed.
"Are you going to go swimming?" I questioned.
Arizona looked down at her leg which was covered by a beach throw. She looked up at the water which she really did want to swim in. "Will you come with me?" she asked.
I nodded. There wasn't anything on this beach that was more valuable than helping Arizona take steps to conquer her fear. I stood up off the beach and I stood in front of Arizona who still lay on her towel, "Let's go," I said enthusiastically.
Arizona pushed the towel off her leg, revealing her prosthetic. She took her shirt off and tossed it aside before holding her hands up so I could help her up. We walked hand in hand down the beach towards the ocean. We both felt the eyes of everybody on us but I pretended not to care, instead I focused on making Arizona feel as comfortable as she could. Sofia greeted us at the water line, her excitement boiling over as she jumped up and down in the whitewash, "Mama watch this," Sofia said as she bent down and put her face in the water.
"Wow baby, you are so talented," Arizona said as she looked around, the eyes starting to dart away. "Can we go back?" she asked self consciously. I nodded. I hadn't expected that kind of reaction from onlookers. I couldn't quite tell if they were looking because we were lesbian, pregnant or an amputee or maybe it was all three.
"Honey, five more minutes then we are going to go get ice cream," I said in attempt to entice Sofia into leaving. I walked Arizona back up the beach and settled her back onto her towel, throwing her beach throw over her aimlessly. I could tell she felt uneasy. I wanted to hold her and kiss her but I knew that would attract even more onlookers so instead I just let her sit quietly on the beach.
When we got home I made Sofia unpack her bag and take a shower which she did without a fuss. Arizona headed to our room, very few words escaping her mouth from the moment we left the beach. I unpacked our bags, throwing the necessary things into the wash and packing the beach bag back into the closet before heading down to our bedroom. Arizona was sitting on the edge of the bed, a towel draped over her lap as she peered down at her prosthetic.
"Are you alright?" I asked. Arizona nodded. "Do you need help into the shower?" I asked noting that she was half undressed.
"No, I'm alright," she said quietly.
"Sorry," I said softly, "I didn't expect people to be so rude," I admitted.
"I should be used to it now," she said as a she forced a smile. "I wish we were all as carefree as Sofia."
I walked over to Arizona and I took her hand and placed it on the side of my stomach so that she could feel the baby kicking, "I think your boys are upset that you're upset," I said.
Arizona's eyes peered up and her mood instantly improved when she felt my stomach move, "they are really kicking you," she noted.
I nodded, "they always kick when their mama is upset," I said with a smile. We stood there for a minute while Arizona felt the babies move against her hand.
Arizona leant forward and kissed my belly, "be nice to my wife's belly," she whispered before tilting her head up in search of a kiss. "You're getting really big," Arizona noted.
"Will you be disappointed if tomorrow we find out they aren't boys?" I asked curiously.
"They are boys," Arizona said confidently before our lips finally met. "I love you" she whispered quietly.
Although family Sunday didn't go entirely to plan we managed to have a wonderful day together enjoying one another's company. We finished the night off with the movie Inside Out which Sofia fell asleep halfway through. Today was a new day. Today we had our appointment with Dr Juarn and would hopefully find out the sex of the babies. It would also likely be our last doctors appointment before being referred to a midwife given the pregnancy had no abnormalities.
We dropped Sofia off at Karev and Jo's and headed to the doctors office. "Torres," Dr Juarn called lazily as her eyes settled right on me. Arizona and I stood up and headed through to her examination room. "How have you been feeling?" she asked as I settled onto the bed straight away.
"Morning sickness has passed, cravings are worse than ever, my breasts are tender, I'm barely sleeping, my body is struggling to regulate its body temperature and the babies won't stop kicking me but otherwise I'm great," I laughed.
"Well let's find out the sex of your babies shall we?" Dr Juarn said as she started organizing the equipment. "Any ideas?" she asked.
"Boys," Arizona said immediately.
"She is convinced they are boys based on my symptoms," I explained to the doctor as she started to squeeze gel onto my baby bump.
"Well you will soon know," she concluded before she turned the machine on and started moving the ultrasound machine over the bump Arizona eyes following the monitor like she was the doctor in charge.
It didn't take long for Dr Juarn to announce that we were the proud mothers of two unborn boys. Arizona was ecstatic meanwhile I thought of the realisticness of having twin boys. Dr Juarn continued to move the wand over my belly, double checking everything was in order. I was barely watching at this point but Arizona still had her eyes locked on the machine.
"Hey what's that?" Arizona questioned.
"What?" Dr Juarn asked curiously trying to return to the spot she thought Arizona referred to.
"Go up," Arizona instructed and the doctor followed her directions. "There."
Dr Juarn turned the ultrasound machine away from us and towards her abruptly which alarmed me and annoyed Arizona. She had obviously seen something. "Turn that back," Arizona insisted.
"Just give me a minute to look, don't jump to conclusions," Dr Juarn said knowing full well Arizona had seen something that she rightfully worried about.
"What is it?" I asked calmly.
"Show me the scan," Arizona demanded her voice showing her distress.
"What is it?" I asked, getting slightly inpatient with both the women.
Dr Juarn turned the monitor back around knowing full well what Arizona saw wasn't going to change, she had seen correctly. Arizona pulled the monitor closer and she examined it carefully before she began to sob.
"What the heck is wrong?" Callie said panicked.
"Callie it appears the fetus on the left is showing signs of Down Syndrome," she said calmly. "We have options," she followed up quickly.
Arizona rested her head on my belly, tears falling from her eyes. I rested my hand on her head stunned at what I had just heard.
"I will give you two a moment alone," she said as she stood up and exited the room.
"Are you sure?" I finally managed to say. Arizona stood up over me, her hands holding mine tightly as if to give me strength. "Yeah. What do you want to do?" Arizona asked.
"What do you mean what do I want to do?" I asked angrily, "I'm not aborting our babies," I said as tears began to stroll down my face.
Arizona took my face in her hands, rested her head against mine and shook her head. Arizona wanted to give me our options but knew very well coming from her was too hard to hear. After a few minutes Dr Juarn returned to the room with a box of tissues. Arizona and I settled into the chairs as calmly as possible to hear what the doctor had to say.
"Legally I have to lay out your options," Dr Juarn said simply. "You have two boys, your DS boy is growing well, he is healthy. They both are. You can continue on your path and you will have a very high chance of having two healthy boys, one however, will be born with down syndrome. If you choose to abort we can do what we call a selective reduction which would effectively terminate the DS fetus."
She hadn't even finished and I was already shaking my head instinctively. I couldn't even fathom the thought of aborting our child because of something as minor as an extra chromosome. Arizona didn't take me home after the doctors, instead she took me out to a small quiet spot that overlooked the city. It was quiet up here, the noise of the city was lost in the wind. Neither one of us had spoken, our minds were working in overtime trying to comprehend the situation we were in. I sat on the edge of the cliff, my feet dangling over my eyes watching their every movement. Arizona sat beside me, her hand close to mine as if ready to grab me if I fell.
"I want to say something but I don't want you to get mad," Arizona said her eyes flickering to me, mine not moving from my feet. "I'm not saying we should consider selective reduction but I do think we need to talk about what it means if we don't," Arizona said calmly.
"I can't do it. I can feel him inside me," I whispered as tears started to stroll down my face.
"And we don't have to babe. But we do need to talk about the risks and the realism of us raising a DS baby," Arizona said her hand taking mine as her thumb ran over my hand. "A pregnancy for twins is always riskier, not just for the babies but for the mother too," Arizona stated.
"We were going to take the risk before we knew he was a DS baby," I cried. "I'll take the risk now," I added.
Arizona took my hand and held it to her lips as she placed a prolonged kiss to the back of my hand. It was decided, we were keeping both our boys.
"I'll quit my job if I have too," I said between sobs.
Arizona shuffled closer to me and put her arms around me, her face burying into my neck as we both cried. We cried not because we didn't want him but instead for the trouble we knew he would face.
When we got home Arizona called to break the news to Karev who happily agreed to keep Sofia overnight so we could spend some time together. I spent most of the night huddled in bed crying. Arizona held me in her arms all night minus the times she got up to get a damp cloth to cool me down. I was in and out of sleep all night and every time I woke Arizona was there to sooth me back to sleep. There was no other feeling quite like the feeling I felt now. I felt sadness for a boy who I felt was so perfect yet nobody else would see that, instead they would see the down syndrome label.
I didn't go to work for a few days. Arizona broke the news to Bailey and one by one she told our friends hoping that the news would be 'old' news by time I returned. My first day back at work wasn't nearly as dreadful as I had imagined. I imagined everybody would want to talk about my feelings which was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to cut into bodies, break bones and think about anything but what was on my mind and I was grateful to all my colleagues for letting me do so.
I was just scrubbing out of surgery when the door to the scrub room opened and the beautiful face of my supportive wife stood with the slightest smile on her face, "Come with me," she urged.
I followed Arizona all the way up to the peads floor, her hand taking mine as I started to fall behind. "Where are you taking me?" I asked curiously.
"You'll see," she with a smile very clearly on her face. We walked into a small room where a mother and father stood cradled over a small baby. The couple looked up and the mother smiled, the kind of smile that made me want to smile back. "This is Piper and Jonah Archibald, they are on holiday from Connecticut and their little miracle baby decided she wanted Seattle on her place of birth," Arizona explained happily.
I was happy for the parents of this child but I was still unsure quite why Arizona had dragged me up here.
"You must be Callie," Piper said as she extended her hand revealing the face of the young girl who was very clearly a down syndrome baby; now it all made sense. "You're wife has told us a lot about you," she said with a large smil forming over her face as she glanced down at the baby wrapped up in her arms. "Do you want to hold her?" she asked me.
I wanted to say no but before I could say anything I felt the baby being slipped into my arms. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her, she was undeniably cute.
"Isn't she beautiful," Arizona whispered as she stood beside me and peered over my arm to look at the small infant.
"Jonah and I remember being in your situation. Obviously slightly different because you're expecting twins,' Piper stated. "I was so scared she would never be accepted or she would be treated delicately and today I realised that's okay because even if the world is so cruel, she will always have Jonah and I and we will teach her to be better than that," Piper said proudly her eyes locked on her daughter as she spoke. "Be worried, but don't confuse worry for having a new baby for worry for having a DS baby, having a new baby in the house is scary, having two is even scarier. I don't know you Callie but you have a pretty incredible wife, if anybody can do it, it's you two," she said simply, a smile still present on her face.
I found myself still staring at little Laura, she seemed so normal, whatever that word meant now days. "She is beautiful," I finally said. "Thank you for letting me meet her," I added before I placed Laura back into her mother's hands.
"I'll meet you outside," Arizona said as she lightly brushed my hand with hers. "Thank you Piper, you really do have the most incredible little girl and she is so lucky to have you and Jonah as parents," Arizona said after I left the room.
"She will be fine," Piper said as she looked down at her daughter, "I worried every hour of every day until today. Now I don't worry anymore," Piper said as she kissed her daughter on the head and handed her to Jonah who cradled her against his chest.
"Thank you," Arizona repeated before exiting the room in search of me. "She is beautiful isn't she," Arizona said a smile still plastered on her face.
"My first instinct right now is to be mad," I admitted which automatically wiped Arizona's smile from her face. "But then I remind myself why you did it and I can't help but love you more," I said. "I'm still sad, I'm still scared, I feel bad for feeling this way because I feel like a terrible person. What mother wishes her son to be normal? Even using the world normal makes me hate myself," I said working myself up slightly as I spoke.
Arizona took my hand and she lead me into a spare room, closing the door behind us. "Calliope, listen to me," Arizona said sternly my back pressed hard up against the door, her body only inches from mine. "You are not a bad mother, you get to feel however you want to feel," Arizona said seriously. "Do you want to abort him?" Arizona said abruptly.
I shook my head furiously.
"Do you wish he was normal because it would be easier on you?" she questioned.
I shook my head again.
"You want him to be normal because you worry about the struggles our son will face. You are his mother, it is your job to worry. Our boys will have each other, they will have us, they will have Sofia, they will have everybody inside this hospital. Our boys are blessed with so much love and they aren't even here yet," Arizona said as she pushed a strand of hair from my face and pressed her lips against my head for a good long time, "I'm scared too," Arizona whispered into my forehead before pulling away. "Do you know how I know we will be okay?" she asked me.
"How," I murmured in response.
"Because I have you and I have Sofia and soon we will have our boys," Arizona said with a smile before she pulled me into hug.