I dropped Sofia off to school and I ziplined to work, the traffic flowing at a strangely quick rate for this time of the morning. Arizona had been stuck at the hospital for three days, sleeping on and off in the call rooms when she had a spare moment. I knocked at the door of the on call room she had told me she would be in, her sweet voice calling from behind the door to come in.
"Thank goodness," she muttered tiredly as she pulled her shirt on, stood up and grabbed the coffee and the brown bag filled with her breakfast bagel, "you are a lifesaver," she said as she pecked my lips then took a large, much needed sip of a decent coffee. You'd think a hospital, which frequently had people lacking in sleep, would have some of the best coffee but most hospitals were not that fortunate.
"Are you going to be able to come home tonight?" I asked curiously as Arizona sat down on the lower bunk and dug around in the brown bag for her breakfast bagel.
"I don't know. I'm trying to get a doctor in to cover but there aren't many relief doctors with pediatrics experience,' Arizona explained as she took a bite into her bagel, a bite that suggested she hadn't eaten in quite a while.
"Make sure you rest. I'll bring Sofia and some dinner by tonight if you're still here," I promised.
"Thanks," she mumbled between bites.
I left the on call room and headed for the attendings lounge. I put my stuff into my locker and changed into my scrubs that really highlighted my pregnant belly. I pulled my white coat on and hung my stethoscope over my neck in hope to detract my patients attention from the large, growing bump.
I made my rounds, the interns in tow, checking in on all my surgical patients both pre op and post op. When I arrived at Lauren Boswell's room, for the first time since she had come into the hospital she was not only awake but appeared to be finally talking. The damage done to her throat had left her mute for about a week which in my opinion was a blessing.
"Intern with the glasses," I said as I looked at Lauren as if she was just another patient, but we both knew she wasn't. "Update," I insisted glancing over to the young intern who fumbled over his words when he spoke.
"Ahhh, me?" he asked with a slight stutter.
"You're the only one wearing glasses," I informed him.
"Oh yeah… right. Me…" he stammered as he grabbed the chart from the end of the bed and looked it over. "Lauren Boswell, 33. Dr Kepner repaired her large intestines and clipped all the major bleeding vessels which were causing her to well… die essentially," he said looking up at me.
"Cardiac arrest," I corrected him,
"Yes cardiac arrest," he repeated nervously before continuing. "Dr Shepherd did a head CT and found a brain bleed as well as cranial swelling. Dr Shepherd has stopped the bleeding and has taken a bit off the skull to allow the brain to recovery without pressure. Dr Shepherd will look to finish her procedure when Ms Boswell's vitals are stronger," he explained.
"It's Dr Boswell," Lauren said her eyes settling on me as if to tell me she wasn't afraid.
"As in the craniofacial expert," one of the interns piped up. "Out. You speak when you're spoken too. Not before," I snapped leaving the interns on guard. "Glasses, continue," I said.
"Legs are fine for now, the tissue is looking healthy, the bones are being held in place with rods which we hope to have removed in a few months. Monitoring for infection but otherwise should make a full recovery with extensive physiotherapy," he finished by saying.
"Any questions?" I asked, hoping there way none.
Lauren shook her head. "Thank you," she said sincerely. "Dr Grey told me you found me at the scene and you've been with me every step of the way. I know how hard that must be," she said quietly.
The interns had been gossiping about the speculated relationship between Lauren Boswell and I. Only very few people knew the real story but that didn't stop the interns from creating their own. "You guys can go," I said to the interns. They looked around at one another before they finally decided it was in their best interest to leave when asked. "I helped you… not because I felt you needed it but because it is my job. I have zero sympathy for you. If you would like another doctor to replace me, be my guest. I just wanted you to know that I don't forgive you," I said sharply, my eyes piercing hers as a form of warning.
Lauren nodded softly in understanding, "fair enough," she said genuinely. "I would like the best working on my legs and we all know you're the best but if it would make you feel better to replace yourself then I would understand," she admitted.
I didn't respond, instead I just left.
Not long after Meredith arrived in Dr Boswell's room fresh off her rounds. Meredith came with an extra cup of jello knowing full well that Lauren hadn't been eating much. "An extra cup of jello, thought it might be easier on the throat," Meredith said as she placed it on Laurens bedside table, grabbed her chart and started looking it over.
"Dr Torres is pregnant?" she said quietly, curiosity evident in her voice.
Meredith anticipated this conversation to happen and had sought advice from Arizona on how to proceed. Arizona had told Meredith that if she didn't tell her then Arizona would. We both knew I wasn't willing to offer up that kind of information to a woman she entirely loathed.
"Yes, twins," Meredith responded very matter of factly as she turned to the monitor and started writing up her updated vitals onto the chart.
"May I ask who…" her voice trailed off.
Meredith stopped what she was doing and she looked over at Lauren, a look of strong loyalty for me gracing her face.
"You hate me don't you. Everybody hates me," she said.
"Dr Torres is having twin boys via IVF using her wife's egg," Meredith said very sternly. "You wonder why Dr Robbins hasn't been up here it's because she realises that you were the reason she threw away her entire marriage. Don't mistake our effort to save you as friendship Dr Boswell," Meredith said loud and clearly before returning to her work.
Lauren Boswell lay still in her bed, there was a lot she could say in attempt to defend herself but instead she just lay silently and still.
"Dr Shepherd will be in shortly," Meredith announced before hanging the chart back up and leaving the room, closing the door firmly behind her.
I had spent the last week and a bit pushing down my anger towards Lauren because I didn't want it to spill over and interfere with mine and Arizona's relationship. Arizona and I were in a bad place during her affair with Lauren and after a long hard year and a half of rekindling a marriage that we never quite thought would stand a chance we were in a much better place. We had learnt to communicate and we had learnt to fight. We hadn't stopped fighting, any married couple would tell you that, that was unrealistic, especially a married couple with children. The key to a successful marriage was learning how to fight, how to disagree and not unravel your entire marriage. I remembered that as I walked into Arizona's office not long after I saw Lauren.
"I am mad at you," I admitted as I closed the door behind her. "It's unrealistic to say that I don't get mad when I think of you with her," I said a sound of disgust emphasising the word 'her'. "I get it, I really do Arizona. You were in a bad place. I wasn't listening to you properly. You were self conscious and insecure and she made you feel special but what about me? While you were with her, did you think of me? Did you think of our daughter? You say you did but that almost makes it worse. You were thinking of us yet you couldn't stop yourself from being with her," I said as I paced back and forward in Arizona's office my words getting louder and louder as I dived into how I was feeling.
Arizona knew better than to try and silence me, it was one of the things I had warned her about during our sessions with Dr Porter. I hated to be made to feel crazy. How i felt wasn't crazy. I had every right to be angry. I knew we could move forward and I never doubted for a second her love for me but when I thought about her lapse in judgement my whole body felt angry.
"You have the right to be mad," Arizona said calmly as she adjusted to the sudden fireball of anger than had arrived in her office.
"Do you think she is attractive?" I asked curiously. I had always wanted to know that but I had never had the guts to ask.
"Callie," she said as she finally stood up off her chair.
"Do you think she is attractive?" I repeated.
"She is pretty," Arizona responded honestly, "but I'm not attracted to her," she added as she attempted to approach me.
I backed away slowly my hands in the air begging her to give me space, "I hate her," I said sincerely. "I wished she would die everyday and then of all things," I laughed, "I was the one to save her, to make sure she didn't die," I added. "I could of. Gosh, it would have been so easy to just let her bleed out. I thought about it. You made me think about it. I'm a doctor Arizona and I thought about letting her die," I said, my voice loud, a tickle in the back of my throat as I spoke.
Arizona sighed and she closed her eyes, she felt immensely bad for the thoughts I was having and consequently the feelings I had because of it. She knew there wasn't much she could do or say that would change the way I felt so she just stood there and let me vent.
"I want to yell at her, scream at her, remind her of the harm she caused us, that she caused our daughter but I can't yell at a sick person," I said with a laugh escaping my lips, "god this is so messed up," I admitted as I rested my hands on my hips and I just stared at Arizona.
"What can I do to make this better?" Arizona asked softly.
I shook my head, "nothing," I whispered admitting it more to myself than anything. "This is my problem now," I added before I walked out of the room.
Arizona wanted to follow me, to calm me down but she knew it was in everybodies best interest to let me be. We had worked through this pain and our relationship was stronger for it but it didn't mean the memory of that night didn't haunt the both of us. Maybe the last of my anger was built up for Lauren, maybe that was why I couldn't completely move on.
I spent most of the day seeing patients in the ER, mainly broken bones that were easily mended or dislocations that needed popping back into place. In my current mood those were the ones that were keeping me going. There was something incredibly satisfying about causing somebody a great deal of pain in order to fix them.
It was nearing close to my home time which after today's, day, I was more than happy to welcome. I was walking up to my office to gather a few things when I heard Amelia's voice trailing from behind me. I slowed down so she could catch up.
"Boswell is asking for you," she said.
"I know, I got the pages. I've assigned another doctor to her case," I said simply.
"Look I don't know what's up with you and her but based on the talk around the hospital I would say you have pretty good reason not to talk to her but talking from experience here. Maybe it would do you some good. Just because she is in hospital, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to hear what you've got to say," she said, flashing me the slightest smile of encouragement then walking back off the way she had come.
Maybe Amelia was right. I had questions, questions only Lauren could answer. Maybe that was my only way forward. I made a sudden change in direction and headed straight for Lauren's room. If she wanted to talk to me, I was ready to listen.
"You called," I asked curiously as I pulled the door behind me, hoping it would contain any conversation that was had between us.
"I'm feeling better," she stated.
"Good," I said, my words convincing neither of us that I meant them.
"I mean, if you had something to say then I am healthy enough to hear it," she explained as she explored my face for a response.
"I think you have a pretty good idea how I feel about you," I responded, shoving my hands deep into the pockets of my doctors coat.
"I thought maybe I could explain, maybe give you a reason," she suggested, "I know nothing I can say will make what I did okay but it might help you move forward," she said sincerely.
A good part of me wanted to yell at her and tell her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine but there was a small part that begged to hear an excuse that made me come to terms with the whole situation so I just stood there, a sign I was open to listening.
"This is my wife," she said finally as she grabbed a picture from the top draw with slight difficulty and held it out for me to grab. I was reluctant at first but I eventually grabbed the photo and looked it over. She was blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and resembled Arizona so closely I had to have a double look.
"Her name was Sarah and she was my world," she explained a smile beaming on her face. "We were only married 6 months when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and you would know how quickly it gets bad. She was healthy one day and… 6 months later she was dead. My whole future was gone as quickly as it had got there," she attempted to explain.
"So you saw my wife and you thought why not replace your wife with her," I said harshly as I handed her back the picture.
"When I saw her I thought I was dreaming. I thought it was some cruel game. She looked just like Sarah. I thought it was just one of those doppelganger things until I found out she was a lesbian," she said as she nervously bit down on her lip. "I thought it was too much to be a coincidence. She was beautiful and kind and I couldn't stop myself. I was already intoxicated with the idea of her," she explained.
"She was married. She has a child," I reminded Lauren.
"At the time those things seemed unreal. As far as I was concerned Arizona was some gift from god, a second chance," Lauren said softly.
"You ruined my marriage, you took my daughter from me. For months I lived without my daughter because you decided to fuck my wife," I said sternly, my voice filled of anger and much louder than Laurens. "Do you even comprehend the damage you inflicted on my life, on my families life?" I asked her.
"I don't," she responded nervously.
"Well let me tell you," I yelled. "Arizona and I went through hell after she lost her leg. You wouldn't know this because you don't even know my wife," I yelled my arms flailing around me to add emphasis to my words. "Did you know that I was the doctor that decided to cut of her leg. To save her life," I defended. "I didn't think she would forgive me and I guess you were the reminder that she didn't."
Lauren listened to me her eyes locked on mine as she took in all this information. She knew I had the right to be mad but now she was learning why I was struggling to come to terms with it all. I had generally believed we had made it through the worst of it and had Lauren never came along maybe we would have continued to pretend we had until we actually were.
"After you came in, fucked my wife then left I filed for divorce. Arizona and I fought everyday until we came to a crossroads. I made the stupid mistake of trying to take Sofia away from her in my fit of anger and when I did I lost her," I recalled. "She is the love of my life, she is the mother of my children and my best friend, yet I have this tiny bit in me that wonders if she would ever do it again. I get scared when she works on a case with a female consultant because of you. You made me second guess my best friend," I yelled.
My voice was beginning to travel down the hallway. I was so worked up that I couldn't stop myself. Everything I had wanted to say to her but never had came piling out of my mouth and Lauren took in every word like it was punishment for her actions.
"Stop," Arizona hissed as she closed the door behind her. "Callie go," she said to me angrily, "You get to be mad, you even get to yell but you don't get to do it here," she said.
"I told her too," Lauren murmured. "She is right. I acted selfishly with no concept of the consequences it would have on you or your family," she added.
"Did you think about me when you were fucking my wife?" I asked angrily.
"Callie," Arizona begged.
"No. If I had thought of you or your daughter I don't think I would have gone through with it," she responded, her voice guilt ridden.
"Do you look at her and see your wife?" I asked taking Arizona and holding her out in front of me. Arizona was confused at this point.
Lauren looked at Arizona, her eyes steering into Arizona's bright blue eyes. She would be lying if she had said no; the resemblance was uncanny. "Yes," she responded honestly.
"Would you do it again?" I asked her sternly, our eyes locked on one another's.
"No. Because now I know she isn't my wife, she is yours," she responded matter of factly.
Arizona tore herself from my arms annoyed at my reaction, "This isn't good for you or the babies," Arizona said trying to break through the anger that I was struggling to put aside.
I pulled my arm from Arizona's grip and I walked out, my anger bubbling over. Arizona looked at Lauren, a sadness falling over her. One wrong mistake for which their punishment was a lifetime of guilt.
Arizona finally left the room, saying not a single word. She ran after me grabbing a blood pressure machine from a passing station as she finally caught up to me, "You're going to let me check your vitals," Arizona said angrily as she took my hand and lead me through to a spare examination room. "You acted like a child in there," she muttered angrily as she placed the cuff on my arm and started pumping it up, listening to her breathing in between as I waited for the results.
"You're blood pressure is high Calliope," she stated disappointingly. "I get that your mad, I get that you feel like you have the right to yell and scream and act like a teenager because I screwed up but you don't. When you chose to take me back you chose to forgive me and that means forgiving her too," Arizona said sternly as she started moving her stethoscope beneath my shirt, listening for distress in the babies. "They are alright," she added before hanging her stethoscope around her neck.
"Arggg," I said as I ran my hands down my face the stress getting the better of me. "I can't help it. I don't want to hate her, I don't want to be mad. I thought I was over this," I admitted as tears started to roll down my face. "You look exactly like her wife," I explained, "she died like 3 months before you two...," my voice trailed off.
Arizona took my hands in hers in attempt to calm me down, "just breathe," she said quietly, "you can't be working yourself up like this," she told me.
"I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you and you were no longer here. If I saw someone like you how would I act?" I asked, the question more directed at myself. What would I do?
"I'm not going anywhere," Arizona assured me.
"How do I move past this?" I asked, my voice finally calmer.
Arizona shrugged, her lips pursed together. "I think you make piece with that fact that it happened and yelling and screaming at me or her isn't going to change that," she suggested. "We could give you excuses all day long as to why we did what we did but none of them are going to make you feel any better. I'm sorry I've put you in this situation but now it's on you Callie, you have to move on or this will destroy you," she said calmly as she raised her hand and rested it on my cheek lightly.
"You should go see her," I said as I felt her hand fall against my face, my eyes flickering closed at her touch.
"I'm not going anywhere," Arizona reminded me.
"You need to apologise to her for me and you're right," I stated. "This is my problem now. I just need some time alone," I explained.
Arizona leant forward and kissed my cheek, holding my face tightly as she did, "You still have me," she whispered before finally stepping back and leaving me alone to ponder my own thoughts.
Arizona headed back down the hall towards Laurens room. She was sitting in her bed quietly, her eyes watching as she pushed her fingers together nervously.
"Can I come in?" Arizona asked as she opened the door
Lauren's eyes shot up and when she noticed who was at the door she nodded, "I ruined her," she said before settling her eyes back on her hands, "I wish I could take it all back," she admitted.
"We can't do much about it now," Arizona stated as she rested her hands against the end of Laurens bed. "What was Callie talking about, your wife," Arizona asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.
Lauren thought about it for a second before deciding things couldn't get much worse for her. "My wife died a few months before I was flown out here," she stated as she grabbed the photo from her side table and handed it over to Arizona.
Arizona took it from her and looked it over, even she thought the woman in the picture looked weirdly like herself. "She looks like me," Arizona admitted as she handed the picture back.
"I was overwhelmed, I wasn't thinking. I got swept up in your appearances," Lauren admitted as she took back the photo and looked it over herself. "She may look like you but I now know she isn't you," she said proudly, as if that little bit of information was new knowledge to her.
"You did a short stint at Saint Joseph's after you left Seattle," Arizona inquired. She had read her medical records, as had every other doctor in the hospital. After her recent comment Arizona was starting to think there was more to it than met the eye.
"I just needed a little reminding that my wife was dead," Lauren explained, it appeared she didn't want to get into it.
"Callie will be fine. She is sorry for how she acted," Arizona said as she tucked her hands into her pockets.
"I doubt that," Lauren said, "she had every right to react the way she did," she added.
"Maybe," Arizona agreed, "but it's about time she moved on and unfortunately there isn't anything you or I can do to help her do that," Arizona explained. "I hope you feel better," Arizona said sincerely. It was hard knowing her history of loss and her medical problems and not feeling sad for the fact she was all alone.
"Arizona," Lauren called just as I was about to leave the room.
"Congratulations," she said with a small genuine smile forming in the corner of her mouth. "I'm glad you're getting your happily ever after."
"You will too," Arizona promised her. "Sarah is gone but you're not," she stated finally before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.
I finished my day early at the request of Chief Bailey. If it wasn't for the circumstances I for sure would have been fired. After calming down I had become embarrassed at how I had acted. I had verbally attacked a patient which was at the very least unprofessional. After putting Sofia to bed I slid into bed alone and I repeated my conversation with Lauren in my head, over and over again. The more I thought about what she said the less angry I felt. I didn't forgive her but if I was being honest I hadn't quite forgiven Arizona yet either. Maybe I never would. Maybe we would just put it behind us and move forward. I thought about all Lauren's loss, the loss of both her parents and the loss of her soul mate. Lauren's job wasn't in one place, it required her to travel around, from hospital to hospital, country to country. I couldn't help but think how lonely that would be for someone mourning the loss of their wife. Who did she turn to or did she mourn alone? I didn't forgive Lauren but by the end of everything that had happened that week I finally understood, why, maybe, somebody in her position would have done what she had done.
Arizona finally arrived home. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I didn't have the strength to face the embarrassment of today's events. Usually I would hide my face but the growing boys in my belly made it hard to sleep in any position except on my back. Arizona walked into the bedroom quietly, her phone light, lighting the way as she put her work bag down on her side of the room. I kept my eyes closed and I listened.
Arizona sat on the side of her bed gently removing her leg and leaning it up against the wall. She pulled her pants and her shirt off and tossed them into a pile; she would deal with them tomorrow. Arizona slipped her bra off and let it join the pile before she grabbed her PJ shirt from beneath her pillow and slipped it on. Arizona slid into bed, turned onto her side and watched me sleep. I could tell she wished I was awake, it was like she wanted to say something important.
"Calliope," she whispered quietly. I didn't respond. "I'm sorry," she whispered. It seemed whatever she wanted to say she was happy to say it to me while I was sleep. "I'm sorry for the pain we have caused one another. I wish we could just start again," she stated. "But then I don't," she added. "Our love story is so far from perfect but it's perfect me because I get to come home to you every night," she whispered.
I flickered my eyes open and I stared at the ceiling for a moment before I finally turned my head to face Arizona.
"Hi," she whispered her voice slightly horse as she fought back tears.
"I'm sorry," I replied.
Arizona raised her hand to my face and she leant forward and placed a soft, loving kiss to my lips, "I love you," she whispered against my lips as a tear fell from her eye.
"You don't have to be scared, I'm not going anywhere," I reminded her as we intertwined our bodies. We were both so scared that Lauren's presence was going to unravel our entire relationship but it was a credit to Dr Porter and to how far we had come as a couple that it didn't.
We may not have been legally married but we wore our wedding rings and felt every bit like we were married. Sickness and in health, till death do us part. I had broken those vows before and I had no intention of doing it again.