"When is Mama going to be home?" Sofia asked as I sat on the edge of her bad, my hand combing through her hair lovingly.
"I'm not sure sweetheart, Mama is very busy at work," I said with a small smile forming over my lips before I leant down and kissed the small girls forehead. "I love you," I said before I made my way to her bedroom door, "Goodnight sweet," I said switching out her light and backing out of her room, closing the door behind me.
I leant up against the wall for a second before glancing at my watch. 7pm and all three children were down; at least for now. I went into the kitchen and started tidying up the bombshell that we had created from dinner. One child came with one pile of mess but somehow, despite the fact the boys did nothing but eat, sleep, cry and poop they came with their own horrendous amount of mess.
After cleaning the kitchen I moved through to the lounge, fluffing the pillows, picking up toys and folding stray items of clothing so the kitchen looked presentable again. I also needed to clean the main bathroom but instead I just changed out the damp towels for fresh ones with the idea that I'd tend to it properly tomorrow. At 9pm I headed for my bathroom to run myself a bath. My feet ached and my head pounded from a lack of sleep. I poured a large amount of Lavender bath oils into the bath, a gift from Aria who swore it would put even Charlee to sleep. I sunk into the bathtub, the water covering my whole body. I swirled the water around me as I slowly but surely relaxed, my body falling victim to the comforts of the water.
I lay in the bath until my fingers started to get wrinkly at which point I climbed out, pulled the bath plug, dried myself and slipped into my PJ shirt and a fresh pair of panties. As soon as I slipped into bed, my head relaxing on the pillow I heard a sound from the baby room. It wasn't tears which meant it was likely Cayden that was awake. I lay against my pillow, my eyes wide open as I listened to Cayden make happy sounds. I could picture him putting his feet in his mouth and slobbering all over them.
At some point I must have stopped hearing sounds because I had drifted off to sleep. It wasn't until sometime around 2am that I woke up to the feel of Arizona slipping beneath the blankets, her back turned to me which made me glance over my shoulder. She almost always snuggled into me, even if she thought she would wake me up. I lay with my eyes open for a bit while I listened to Arizona breath.
I fell asleep again only to be woken 2 hours later by Charlee's cries that sounded more like screams. Arizona barely moved an inch, she was probably exhausted from her 23 hour shift. I slid out of bed and I headed to the nursery.
"Good morning Mr Charlee," I said, his face lifting my mood instantly. I sat down on the rocking chair in the nursery and I connected the small boy to my breast as I began to rock. Charlee sucked, his eyes closed as he did and his signature fisted hands no longer clenched but instead drooped down onto his chest. I watched him the entire time, my eyes amazed by how much he had grown in 8 short weeks. He had a personality beyond his clingy nature that you absolutely fell in love with. Charlee loved baths, he smiled the whole way through them. He hated most people but he loved his family more than I could have ever imagined. His loud cries would quickly be silenced by his sisters playful voice or his Mama's soft singing. He was attached with Cayden in a way that made me smile both inside and out, he loved sharing a cot with Cayden whenever he got the chance and he had started watching his brother play with toys which made laying them down together a quieter experience. Charlee ate lots, double that Cayden did, he loved music, his tiny limbs making attempts at dancing while he listened. Every time I watched Charlee latch onto my breast I remembered all the wonderful things about him, all the times I had laughed because of him or cried happily at a milestone he had reached. He may have had down syndrome, but as an infant, despite his obvious facial differences that identified him as a DS baby he appeared perfectly normal.
Charlee faded off to sleep against my breast. I let him lay against me for a few minutes longer before I quietly and gently put my breast back under my shirt. I stood up, standing for a moment to see if Charlee would stir in his sleep; but he didn't. I slowly lowered him into his crib, pulling his small blanket up over him and resting my hand, palm down onto his chest. He was a beautiful baby and every morning, in the early hours while he fed and I watched him, I fell in love all over again.
I walked over to Cayden's bassinet, glancing down at the boy who had at some point since I walked into the room, woken up. I bent down to pick him up, kissing him on the cheek as if to say good morning. I took up my position on my chair, holding Cayden against me as I directed my breast towards his mouth. Cayden gripped on, his mouth gnawing at my breast like he so often did. Cayden often fell off my breast, even if I held it against his mouth. He always stared at me while he drunk, he very rarely closed his eyes. I loved searching his blue eyes that replicated his Mama's so perfectly.
When I looked at Cayden I couldn't help but wonder what he would be like as a young boy or even as a man. He was selfless, even as an infant. When I was the most tired, or feeling the intense pressures and stress of the day Cayden would almost always chuckle, clouding those feelings briefly with only happiness. He was always the second to be tended to but his independent nature seemed unphased by it. Cayden loved Arizona's voice but what really made him smile was when I would talk to him about my day, like he was a real life adult. I would sit him on the bench in his carrier and I would tell him all the things I had to do that day, as if he would remind me of them later. Cayden was the type of baby that could be handed around a room full of people and by time he returned to me, he was still as happy as he was when he left my arms. Cayden was my curious and adventurous little boy, he loved taking in his surroundings. He almost always cried when he was in a room that sounded busy but he couldn't see it. He loved his mobile, it could keep him occupied for hours and hours on end and recently he had started to show interest in the television. The one thing the boys had in common was they both hated Sofia's cat Blacky and Blacky hated them to the point where she had become an outside cat, only coming inside at night times and for food.
Cayden spat out my breast, his head turning up slightly to tell me had enough. I stood him up and I kissed his lips causing him to smile, a large smile that revealed his dimple. "You like that do you?" I whispered quietly before kissing him again, this time causing the small boy to chuckle. Cayden wasn't going back to sleep, his smile told me that. I stood up from my chair and I walked over to Charlee's bassinet; he was still asleep. I slowly backed out of the nursery, closing the door behind me and heading into the kitchen to make myself a coffee with Cayden wrapped up against my chest.
"What do you want to do today little guy?" I asked him rhetorically as I set the coffee to brew. "Your Mama has to go back to work but maybe you, me and your brother could go for a walk to the park. I know you love the park," I said to him as he bounced against my body, his smile spread wide across his face. "The park it is," I said as I kissed his head. "Oooh Cayden, don't forget to tell Mummy to clean the bathroom and take the car to get gas," I said quietly as I poured myself a cup of coffee and walked over to the lounge to settle in.
Immediately after I finished my coffee I smelt the familiar smell of Cayden's backside woft into my nose, "oh dude," I said as I waved the smell away. "You're sister had smelly poos like you," I said as I stood up and lay him onto the lounge floor while I went to fetch all the necessary items from the nursery.
I slipped the changing pad under Cayden before unbuttoning his onesie and removing his diaper that was filled with both number ones and number twos. "When I get older I hope you change my diaper," I teased as I wiped his bottom clean and put him in a fresh diaper.
I left him on the changing pad in only his diaper as I went to dispose of the diaper and the wipes. When I returned I slipped him into a fresh pair of shorts and a matching shirt that said 'cool little dude' that Barbara and Daniel had gifted him. I held him up and I kissed him before placing him back on the ground and moving a baby toy across his body so he had something to look up at and play with while I started on the next part of my morning.
I put on a load of the kids washing and started preparing Sofia's lunch. Sofia's school had gone clean and green which meant the kids were aloud no throw away plastic in their lunch boxes and with a fussy eater like Sofia, it made it difficult to pack a lunch I knew she would eat. I cut up a carrot into small pieces and I placed them in one pocket of her lunch box. I put a handful of pretzels in and a small reusable container of hummus which she had learnt to love. I made her a ham and cheese sandwich which behind Nutella sandwiches was her favourite type of sandwich. I packed some yoghurt that I made in the yoghurt maker the day before and just in case she was feeling extra hungry I cut a apple up and put it in too. It was a healthy lunch but all of it I knew she would eat. I put it into the fridge just as Arizona walked out into the kitchen looking zombie like.
"Morning," she murmured as she kissed my cheek aimlessly, more out of habit than out of affection.
"What time are you going into work today?" I asked her curiously as I poured her a cup of coffee.
Arizona looked up at the clock, it was just shy of 6:30. "Probably an hour," she admitted.
I nodded silently as I grabbed Cayden's medicine out of the cupboard and walked over to the lounge to slip it in his mouth. Cayden had taken medicine from the day he was born so he was not only used to the taste and the concept of it being put into his mouth, but he actually liked it.
"Cal," Arizona said as she watched me noting my silence. "You're mad," she observed.
"Nope, just getting used to being a solo mother," I said bluntly as I put the top back on Cayden's medicine and returned it to the shelf.
"Passive aggressive Callie, my favourite," Arizona mumbled before sipping her coffee.
"You've had one day off in two weeks and you slept the entire day," I reminded her.
"Work is busy," she said sternly, her voice slightly raised as she spoke.
"Yeah, well so is home," I muttered as I exited the room leaving Arizona to watch Cayden.
I walked through to the bedroom to get changed but Arizona had opted to follow me, Cayden in her arms, "Tell me how your feeling. Go on," Arizona said strongly.
"I'm not doing this around our son," I said as I pulled my shirt off and slipped a bra on.
"He is 8 weeks old, he has no idea what's going on," Arizona defended.
"I don't like fighting around our kids," I said sternly as I pulled a shirt on.
Arizona left, placing Cayden into his bassinet and hanging his mobile over his head to occupy him before returning immediately to the bedroom. "You want to fight, I'm ready," she said.
"Don't make it seem like I'm irrational for being mad. I don't like it when you make me seem crazy," I said to her as I sat on the edge of my bed and pulled on a pair of pants.
"Well I don't like it when you get mad at me for providing for my family," Arizona shot back.
"Providing is 40 hours a week, you've worked easily 75 hours this week alone," I said as I stood up and crossed the room to the mirror.
"Babies don't wait," Arizona said, her voice filled with annoyance while mine attempted to remain calm.
"Can you close the door please?" I asked her.
Arizona closed the door of our bedroom before continuing to speak, "You are a surgeon Callie, you know our hours are out of our control. When I get a patient I can't just sign out and come home at 5:30. Medicine dictates my hours," she said seriously.
"You asked why I'm mad so let me tell you before you go to your defense again," I said as I brushed my hair in the mirror.
"Before the babies, even during the 6 weeks you were at home, you were the best mum. Now it's like you don't care. You missed Sofia's parent night. You missed the boys 6 week check up and Cayden's appointment with the cardiologist. You are never home to say goodnight to the kids and when you are home you are sleeping. You fuck me like its a chore and...," I said putting a large emphasis on the words 'fuck' and 'chore' before Arizona interrupted.
"Not this again," Arizona said as she ran her hand down her face in attempt to stay calm.
"It was one time," she spat in defense, "And I told you I didn't mean it like that," she added.
"You don't get into bed and cuddle me anymore," I said as I faced her, my eyes locking on her equally mad face.
"Because you're pissed at me," she responded sharply.
"These are your kids too Arizona. I didn't sign up for this 60's bullshit. You think you get to go to work for 75 hours a week and that automatically makes me the main caregiver. You need to be there. Your children need to see you more than twice a week," I spat angrily.
"What do you want me to do?" Arizona asked calmly.
"Cut back," I responded as if that was the obvious answer.
"Or if you insist on working these extravagant hours then don't come home and sleep, come home and parent your children. Get up in the morning and tend to the boys," I suggested.
"I can't breastfeed them Callie," Arizona said with a slight roll of the eyes.
"They require more than just milk Arizona. You're a pediatric surgeon for crying out loud. You know what kids need," I said as I walked through to the bathroom.
"Callie, stop walking away from me. I really hate it when you do that," Arizona said angrily.
"Yeah well, I've got things to do. You leave in less than an hour and I've got to drop of Sofia, go to the grocery store, pick up some more medication for Cayden, drop by Marsha's for the fundraiser meeting and clean up around the house so you don't come home shitty because the whole house is a mess," I said angrily as I grabbed my toothbrush and started brushing my teeth.
"You act like your the only busy one. I don't go to work to escape you and the boys Callie. I go to work because there are babies that need my help. I spent 60 out of the 75 hours I'm at work in an OR fighting for a child's life and I don't always save them," she reminded me. "I lost three newborns this week alone, don't you think I want to be home with my boys after that? Or talk to my wife about it? But I can't because you're pissed with me because I'm not home to tuck Sofia in or I don't change the boys diapers enough," Arizona said sternly her eyes still locked on me as I brushed my teeth.
I spat into the sink before looking up at Arizona, "I get emails everyday from veterans from children's parents, from mothers, fathers, grandparents, other doctors, anybody and everybody asking me to do life changing surgeries on them but guess what they get in response," I asked her rhetorically before continuing, "an automated email that says I'm on maternity leave," I said angrily. "Don't you dare make it seem like my work is less important than yours. I gave up everything to have those boys. A 21 year old girl in Michigan had her leg hacked off yesterday because I wasn't around to hear about the case. I could have saved her. She could be walking right now but instead she is feeling a whole lot like you did when you had your leg taken from you," I hissed, "Why don't you stay at home with the boys, do the full time mum thing then stand in front of me and tell me it's easy," I finished by saying before shoving my toothbrush back into my mouth and furiously brushing my teeth.
"That's not fair. I didn't say being a full time mum is easy," she said.
"You didn't have to Arizona," I said while I brushed my teeth, "you imply it everyday," I stated before spitting, rinsing my brush and putting it away.
Arizona just stared at me, she knew there wasn't much else to say. I was angry, hormonal, tired and just all round cranky and there wasn't much she could say or do to sooth me whether I was right or wrong. I walked out of the bedroom and Arizona let me.
The rest of the morning was rather routine. Arizona and I avoided conversation with one another as best we could without alarming Sofia. She kissed my cheek before I left but neither one us was very convincing about it.
I took Sofia to school, stopping by the grocery store on my way back to pick up the weekly shop. I ended up leaving the supermarket with only half the things I had come for after Charlee woke up and broke into an inconsolable cry. I felt people staring at me, either sympathetically or judgmentally; either way I was happy to get out of there.
Arizona didn't come home that night, she left a text on my phone that had explained why she wasn't going to be home but I didn't respond. The night was absolute Chaos. Charlee didn't sleep a wink and nothing I did could settle him. By time morning came I had decided that this was unusual even for Charlee. I packed Sofia into the car in her PJ's, put Cayden into his car seat who was crying simply because his brother was. It was 5:30am when I arrived at the E.R. Karev was the first on scene.
"What's wrong?" he asked as he took his god son from my arms and tried to settle him against his body.
"I don't know," I said frantically as I pushed the pram back and forward to soothe Cayden, "he has been crying all night, he won't breastfeed, he won't sleep," I said, my voice at the point of breaking.
"De Luca, call Robbins," Karev said.
"Dr Robbins has just gone into an emergency surgery," he stated.
"I DON'T CARE," Karev yelled in his abrupt and scary tone. "Tell Robbins that her wife and her children are in the E.R," he said annoyed at De Luca's comment. Karev walked us across the E.R and settled us into a room that was slightly more private than the average curtained room. He lay Charlee onto his back, unbuttoned his onesie and started listening to his heart, Charlee's screams only getting louder.
Sofia stood by my leg, her arms wrapped around my waist as she watched her brother scream.
"His heart rate is low," Karev stated as he hung his stethoscope around his neck before reaching for a thermometer and taking Charlee's temperature.
Cayden hadn't settled, although his cry wasn't nearly as prominent as Charlee's but he was still unhappy. I unbuckled him and I held him against my body, bouncing him slightly as Karev took Charlee's temperature.
"His temp is a little low. What have his poos been like?" he asked as he signaled for an intern.
"Well, not as bad as Caydens. He doesn't poo as often," I informed him just as Arizona ran into the room, wearing all her surgical gear.
"What the heck happened?" she asked as she approached the bed and picked the crying Charlee up.
"Low temp, low heart rate, irregular bowel movements, irritable, sensitive to my stethoscope," Karev rattled off.
"Hypothyroidism," Arizona diagnosed based on Karev's assessment. Karev nodded in agreeance. "Let's get his blood work done. Have it rushed," Arizona insisted as she swaddled the small boy long enough to hear his horse cry fall to a softer, more tired cry.
"How did you not notice this?" Arizona said.
"I don't know," I admitted. The symptoms were there in black and white. Charlee was more susceptible to hypothyroidism as a down syndrome baby, he had shown so many of the signs and I had failed to notice them all.
"You're alright Mr Charlee," Arizona whispered against his forehead as she continued to rock him against her body.
"Mum I'm hungry," Sofia said quietly her large brown eyes peering up at me.
"Yeah, me too," I admitted.
"Go get something to eat, I'll stay with the boys," Arizona said as she held out her arm to take Cayden from me.
I placed Cayden into Arizona's arm and I took Sofia's hand, leading her down to the cafeteria. I picked up three BLT sandwiches, three bananas, two coffees and a orange juice. Sofia and I wondered back up stairs, entering the room just as Karev was pulling the needle from Charlee's arm. Arizona sat on the bed, her arms wrapped around him as she attempted to comfort him as much as possible.
I put the food and the coffee on one of the spare chairs, walking over to the bed quickly, "You should have waited," I mumbled in an upset tone as I took Charlee from Arizona's arms and I held him tightly, rocking him back and forward as he cried.
"How long has he been restless?" Karev asked the both of us.
"Well he has always been a restless baby," Arizona stated.
"Last night," I stated overriding what Arizona said. "It started off as him not wanting to breastfeed which is unusual for him. He just didn't sleep. Not a wink, despite being exhausted. It was like he would nod off to sleep and he would wake himself up," I explained.
"And what about bowel movements. Can you think back to when they changed?" he asked me as she jotted down everything I said.
Arizona looked at me realizing that she couldn't answer any of these questions accurately. "They started being less frequent and harder maybe Monday. I didn't think about it," I said trailing off, "I was just thankful I didn't have to change his nappy so often," I admitted to myself.
"Any signs of choking?" he asked. I shook my head. "Jaundice?" he questioned. I shook my head again. "What about lack of muscle tone. Has he been floppy lately?" he asked me.
I thought about it and before I could even speak I was crying and nodding, "he stopped holding his fists," I said as I cried. "He always clenches his fists when he feeds," I explained, "he stopped," I admitted as I looked down at the small baby in my arms. I had failed. The signs were right in front of me for about a week and I had no idea. I had been too tired to even consider these symptoms beyond that of a newborn.
"You're a doctor Callie, how did you miss this? A whole week he has been untreated. No wonder he has been so cranky," Arizona said accusingly.
Karev noted my face and decided that was the perfect time to leave. I wanted to yell, scream and cry all at once but all three of our children were in the room so instead I just returned my attention to Charlee's who had finally fallen asleep. All those times I had let him cry I couldn't help but wonder the kind of discomfort he was in.
Karev got us some Thyroxine which is a hormone that would help regulate Charlee's hormone levels. He explained it to me and told me what the next step was if it didn't work. I knew everything he said but it was comforting to hear it come out of his mouth.
Arizona and I went home together at about midday. We had opted to keep Sofia home for the day after an early and somewhat traumatic morning. When we got home Sofia slumped into bed, nodding off almost immediately. We had decided to let her have two hours asleep to catch up on rest.
I put the boys down to sleep, breastfeeding them and changing them both before hand. Karev had given Charlee a little dose of something child friendly in order to help him sleep. Most babies with Hypothyroidism slept long and regular hours but Charlee's bad sleeping habits had meant he was the absolute opposite. Despite needing it, he refused to sleep which in return worked himself into a panic which happened to be the only reason I suspected anything was abnormal about him.
After putting the babies down I walked into the kitchen to find Arizona preparing us coffee. She silently slid mine across the island, our eyes barely looking up at one another.
"I'm sorry for what I said earlier," Arizona said as she leant up against the kitchen island, her eyes glancing into her coffee cup.
"About me being a mad mum? Oh no, don't worry about it Arizona," I said sarcastically.
"I didn't say you were a bad mum," she argued.
"Oh, just a bad doctor then," I muttered in return.
"I'm sorry. I was worried," she admitted.
"Welcome to the last 18 hours of my life, actually, welcome to the last 2 weeks of my life" I said as I left the coffee on the island and retreated to my bedroom. Having Arizona home during the first 6 weeks eased me into being a mother of twins. We shared responsibilities, every time I thought I couldn't do something Arizona was there to remind me that I could. Then, just like that she was back at work and everything changed.
I was exhausted but my worried mum brain meant I barely slept a wink. I heard Sofia's voice in the lounge as she asked her Mama where I was.
"Sleeping, your mum had a long night with the boys," I heard Arizona say.
"The babies are always crying," Sofia stated in response.
Half an hour later I heard Charlee cry through the baby monitor. Out of instinct I slid out of bed within seconds before hearing Arizona's voice over the baby monitor. I sat on the edge of my bed as I listened to her talk to each individual boy while she changed their diapers. I heard her leave the room with both the boys causing me to get out of bed and wander into the lounge.
Charlee and Cayden both lay on the floor, Sofia dangling baby toys over the boys heads which kept them both quiet. Arizona was in the the kitchen preparing what looked like mac and cheese. I went straight to the cupboard grabbing a glass and filling it with ice cold water from the fridge.
"The hormones seem to be working," Arizona stated in reference to Charlee as she grated cheese onto a board.
I nodded as I drunk my drink and returned back to my bedroom, not a word said to anybody.
That night I heard Sofia and Arizona eating dinner, Arizona attempting to entertain the boys as they ate. I lay in bed, my eyes locked on the wall beside me as I lingered in my own miserable thoughts.
After the dishes were done Arizona let Sofia watch one episode of my little pony's before insisting she showered and went to bed. While she was showering Arizona walked the hall down to our bedroom.
"The boys are hungry," Arizona stated cautiously.
"I pumped milk earlier. It's in the fridge," I murmured against my pillow, my eyes not leaving the spot they were stuck on.
Arizona watched me for a moment before retreating to the kitchen to heat up the bottles of milk for the boys.
The house finally fell quiet around 8pm. Both the boys were asleep, Sofia had knocked out after a bedtime story and the TV in the lounge where Arizona had been sitting had been switched off which meant she was was on her way to the bedroom.
I immediately shut my eyes, pulling the blankets up to cover a majority of my face. I heard Arizona walk into the room and slowly prepare herself for bed. When she jumped into bed I could feel her eyes staring into my back.
"Cal," Arizona whispered knowing that I was awake. 'Can you just look at me," she asked, her voice soft and worried.
"What?" I whispered in response without moving.
Arizona moved forward and wrapped her arm around me, her head resting in the socket between my shoulder and my neck, "I think you need some help Callie," she whispered quietly and seriously.
I could have thrown up in arms about what she said but I think I knew she was right and I had just been waiting for her to notice that I needed help. I lay still, not pulling away, a sign that I was willing to listen.
"It's common for women to get delayed postnatal depression," she whispered as she held me against her body. "Maybe me going back to work triggered it," she suggested.
Tears fell from my face, she could feel them fall, my body silently shaking against hers. "We can get help," Arizona assured me, "I'm here for you," she promised over and over again until I finally fell asleep.