Everything felt heavy after Amy died.

My heart ached every time I remembered she was gone. Sleep was nearly impossible. Dr. Carson assured us that grieving was necessary, but I didn't feel angry or sad. I just felt numb, like someone had flipped a switch and all my emotions were turned off.

I couldn't look Eric in the eyes. He looked so solemn—so shattered. The other Doveporters all had that same sense of hopelessness. It was just like when we lost Philip, only this time, Amy died from the one thing we'd all managed to avoid. It felt inevitable that we'd all fall victim to the walkers. It was something I had been in denial about, but reality was crashing down on me.

The threat was real.

Amy was dead.

And no stupid fucking wall, or sanctuary was secure enough to keep us safe.

The day after she died, I asked Negan if we could bury Amy and Ryan at Doveport. I knew it would take a lot of firepower to kill all the roaming walkers, but I wanted to lay them both to rest at the school. Negan wasn't too keen on the idea at first, but eventually he agreed to bring us home. I think he was worried about me. He'd insisted I sleep in his room and kept a close eye on me ever since I put a bullet in my best friend's head.

We left the next day in multiple trucks; his men geared up to take down whatever was left of the horde roaming inside the school. They also loaded up two coffins—one for Amy and one for Ryan. I wasn't sure whether there was a nearby funeral home, or if he'd had one of his people make the pretty wooden boxes. I didn't ask.

I waited outside the walls of the school while Negan's men went in with assault rifles to clear out the dead. A few more walkers showed up from the gunfire, but the Saviors easily took care of them. Eric sat with me inside one of the trucks cradling Abby. The baby cried due to the loud noises, and he rocked her back and forth, trying to sooth her. I stared at her little round face, thinking she looked so much like her mother.

A mother she would never get to know.

Within half an hour, the horde was taken care of. Once we got the okay, I went through the busted gate and stared down at the bodies strewn everywhere. Negan ordered his men to make two graves in the same area Philip and Seth were buried. As the Saviors started digging, I went inside the school.

There were dead walkers everywhere; some of them were piled on top of one another. Most were in the hallways, but I could see limbs sticking out from some of the bedrooms. Stepping over their carcasses, I headed for the back door and tried to brace for what was to come.

Then I saw Ryan—or rather, what was left of him.

His eyes were still wide open in a permanent look of horror. I could see the place in his forehead where my bullet had put him out of his misery. Most of his intestines had been ripped out and the walkers had eaten most of his abdomen, arms and legs. Some of his bones were jutting out and he was surrounded in a pool of his own blood.

I gagged and stepped back around the corner and out of sight of Ryan's body. I had planned on transporting him outside to his grave, but I couldn't bring myself to approach what was left of the young man I had grown to know so well.

A few Saviors entered into the school carrying one of the coffins. When I pointed at Ryan's remains, they both bent over to lift him up. I didn't stick around to watch.

Once the coffins were placed in the ground and buried, Negan's men all went to keep watch in case any more walkers showed up. All the Doveporters gathered to stand and stare down at the ground, crying softly and unable to speak.

There was nothing left to be said.

Not wanting to just stand there, I headed back inside the school to begin cleaning out the walker bodies. I knew it would take days just to move them all out, but I wanted to get a head start on it. Stepping down the hall, I glanced into my bedroom to see two dead walkers on my floor.

Then my eyes went to something on my nightstand.

Stepping over one of the bodies, I moved across my room and picked up the small object.

Abby's binky.

I slid down against my bed, holding the binky out, just staring at it. Time passed, but I didn't care. I didn't move. I just sat on the floor, studying the little plastic pacifier.

After some time I heard someone coming down the hallway and saw them enter my room through my peripheral vision. I could barely make out Negan's form watching me from the doorway. He didn't say anything as I studied the binky in my hand.

"This is what she died for. Did you know that? She went back to get it and couldn't find it because it was here the whole time." My voice was void of emotion and I squeezed my hand around the binky, waiting for Negan to speak. He'd been unusually quiet since Amy's death.

When he didn't say anything, I closed my eyes and then pulled myself up off the floor. Shoving the binky into my pocket, I stepped over to where he was.

"Thanks for bringing us back here. If you want to visit tomorrow, you can. We're gonna need help moving out all these bodies…" I went to step past him so I could continue cleaning up, but Negan blocked my way.

"Elle…You can't stay here."

I let out a dry laugh. "Yeah, yeah. You want us to move to the Sanctuary, but it's not happening. We can clean up the school. It might take a couple days, but we'll make it work."

"Elle…" Negan said sternly, and I finally met his gaze, frowning.

"You can't make us leave," I asserted, moving to step around him, but he grabbed my arm.

"The others already left. It's just you and me."

I opened my mouth to argue, but then I realized what he was saying.

Once the funeral had finished, Eric, Vivienne and the others went back to the Sanctuary.

None of them wanted to stay at the school.

Shoving past Negan, I entered into the hallway. Grabbing onto a walker's arm, I began dragging it towards the front doors. Negan followed me outside as I brought it into the parking lot and dropped it. I tried to go back into the school, but Negan stepped in my way.

"Stop!" he demanded, gripping my arm again. I pulled out of his grasp forcefully.

"Just leave! GO!" I snarled and stormed towards the school entrance.

"The gate is fucking broken! It's not safe!" he said, following me over. Spinning around on my heels I was seething.

"Yeah, and who broke it?" I challenged, glaring at him. It was a rhetorical question—the gate had been damaged when Negan crashed his truck into it and dented the metal piece that kept it locked.

Glancing over at the open gate, my emotions got the best of me and my temper flared.

"I radioed for hours and hours! I tried to call for you! We were trapped and your men fucking ignored us!"

"They weren't ignoring you!" Negan argued. " The walkie-talkies have a range of-"

"You said someone would always be listening!" I fired back, cutting him off as tears filling my eyes. "That if I needed anything, you'd be here…"

"They're dead, Elle."

I blinked a few times, not understanding what he was saying.

"What?"

Negan brought a hand to his mouth and stared over my head, looking distraught.

"The nearby patrol, the ones you spoke to on the radio from before, they failed to report in yesterday. Simon found what was left of them on the road. Someone blew them to fucking pieces."

My eyes grew wide.

"Who…Why?"

"I don't know, but I fucking intend to find out. Whoever's responsible is going to pay, I can promise you that."

Glancing over at the fresh dirt mounds that were covering my late friends, I took a deep breath and rubbed at my nose. Things were starting to get really complicated for Negan, and he was still taking time to try and do right by me.

"You should get back to the Sanctuary. You have enough to worry about right now," I muttered turning away from him to go into the school.

"You're not staying here!" Negan raised his voice as he walked with me.

"I'm not going with you," I replied grimly, opening the door.

"There's nothing fucking left!" Negan shouted it so loud I froze in place and winced. "Your friends aren't here. The school is gone, Elle. You have to fucking accept that and cut this shit out before you get yourself killed!"

My eyes went back to the graves and I felt tears spill down my face.

It wasn't about living at the school anymore.

And he was wrong—my friends were here.

"I can't leave them," I whispered, looking at Negan. His face contorted in confusion, and then his gaze went to where my friends were buried in the ground. "Please don't make me leave them."

His irritation dissolved and I watched him become sympathetic. I let the door close as I stepped back outside and walked over to the graves.

"If I'd have listened to you…If we had moved to the Sanctuary, none of this would have happened. Amy would still be alive." My voice was barely audible, but Negan walked over to stand with me, so I knew he could hear me.

"Don't start blaming yourself…" he said low.

"But it's all my fault. I insisted we stay at the school because I wanted to do right by Philip. I couldn't save Ryan. I had to shoot him…The walkers were eating him alive and he looked so terrified. Then I lost Amy. I should have sent her out to the truck. I should have gone back for that stupid fucking binky."

I broke down into a deep sob as I pictured her face. Falling down onto my knees, I clutched at the dirt and squeezed my fists together.

"I was so fucking naive to think the gate would be enough to protect us. They died because of my mistakes and I'll never forgive myself for it." I shut my eyes as I wept.

I felt Negan's hand gently touch my shoulder, but I didn't move.

"Amy wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. You're still here. Your people need you."

I sniffled and shook my head, staring up at him.

"They're not my people anymore. They're yours."

"It doesn't have to be that way," Negan offered in a soft voice. I could tell he was struggling with this. He was trying to make me feel better, but it was empty promises.

"We both know that's not the case," I mumbled, slowly getting back up on my feet. "It's your Sanctuary. Your rules. There's no more Doveport. It's gone."

Hanging my head down, I took a few deep breaths.

"I'm sorry. I tried. I really did." I didn't know if I was apologizing to Negan, or one of the people buried beneath my feet. Negan reached out and wrapped an arm around me.

"I know," he answered, hugging me to him. I tried to fight the tears, but it was no use.

I wasn't just saying goodbye to Amy, Philip, Seth and Ryan. I was saying goodbye to all of it.

Because I knew right then that I had to leave the school.

It only took a few minutes to pack up my things from my bedroom. I gathered up my clothes, the knitted blanket and a few of my favorite books. Once I had everything, I stepped through the halls and looked at each door I passed.

The principal's office—where I'd had my meetings with Philip. The first place I'd ever heard mention of Negan and his people. The room where I'd shared my first kiss with Negan, and where I'd shot Derek and listened to him die.

Amy and Eric's bedroom—where Abby had been conceived. When we'd first come to Doveport, we hadn't had a good night's rest in months, and after only a few days of living at the school we realized we were finally safe.

I stared down the hallway that led to the cafeteria—where we'd shared countless meals and many laughs. Vivienne had worked so hard to keep us well fed. We were all alive because we'd worked together to survive, or at least…we tried.

I stepped out of the school where Negan was waiting for me by a large pickup. I didn't stop to look at the graves and continued across the yard, approaching the passenger side of the truck and getting in. Negan didn't say anything as he got into the driver's side and drove out through the gate.

I couldn't help but stare into the side mirror as the school grew smaller and smaller behind us. Once it disappeared from my sight, I blinked away more building tears.

As we headed for the Sanctuary, I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind in the school.

And four pieces of my heart buried in its dirt.

Within days, every Doveporter was assigned a job at the Sanctuary. They were moved into rooms on the first floor, where the workers resided. Negan allowed me to be present while he assigned them their jobs. I think it was his way of keeping me involved so I felt like I still had a say in what happened with the Doveporters.

But they weren't Doveporters anymore. Sanctuary was our new home.

Because of the attack on Negan's men from unknown assailants, the Sanctuary was on high alert and more guards were posted around the perimeter. Negan assured us we'd be safe, but I couldn't ignore this deep feeling of dread growing in my stomach.

Negan asked Vivienne for help with gardening again. His men had built a new greenhouse within the Sanctuary's yard and he needed help getting it started. Vivienne seemed very eager to get to work, so she agreed to oversee food production and would start right away.

I was sitting in the meeting room with Negan and Eric while holding Abby. She was happy to have her binky back in her mouth, and I watched as she slept peacefully in my arms.

"I've got an offer for you, Papa Bear. If you want it. No fucking pressure," Negan started, leaning back in his chair and eyeing Eric carefully. "I want you to become a Savior."

It didn't surprise me he would ask this of Eric. I remembered the way we'd fought off the walkers when Negan had crashed his truck into the gate. Eric was strong and capable, but Negan wasn't done with his proposition.

"There's an outpost that needs more men. Simon runs it. It's got one hell of a fuckin' armory, among other things…" He trailed off, which caught my attention.

"What other things?" I asked. Negan glanced over at me and he studied my face a few moments. At first I thought he was going to ignore me, but he answered.

"They grow pot there."

I frowned. "Seriously? What the hell do you need marijuana for?"

Negan smirked. "It's medicinal."

I didn't quite believe him on that, but decided to drop it and looked over to where Eric was sitting. He seemed to be contemplating it.

"I need a good man there to help Simon keep everyone in line," Negan explained. "You'd be high ranking—not quite top dog, but way the fuck up there. You'd only take orders from Simon. And me, of course."

"What about Abby?" Eric asked.

"She'll stay here. It's the safest fucking place in the world, and we've got a fuck ton of baby formula. Once Vivienne gets the greenhouse going, we'll even have vegetables to mash. She will have everything she needs, and you can come see her whenever you want."

It didn't take Eric long to give Negan an answer. He began nodding only after seconds of Negan telling him Amy could stay at the fortress of a factory.

"Okay," he agreed.

"Eric, you don't have to go," I said, reminding him he had a choice.

"It's okay, Elle. I want to. Negan did right by Amy. It's the least I can do to repay him for everything he's done."

"You don't owe me-" Negan started to speak, but Eric shook his head.

"I do. You let her die with dignity and you helped me bury her. Wherever you need me, I'll go."

Eric's eyes went to Abby and I realized he would be leaving his daughter with me.

"I'll take care of her. I promise," I said, assuring him. He nodded, smiling a bit at me.

"I know you will, Elle."

Eric prepared to go that evening after saying goodbye to everyone and spending some time with Abby. I could tell he hated to leave her, but he wanted to work at Simon's outpost. He never said it flat out, but I wondered if the reason he wanted to go was to get his mind off things and have something else to focus on. Eric was perfect for the job, but I knew I'd miss him while he was away.

We hugged for a long time while Vivienne held Abby, and then I took the baby so she could hug him too. The doors to the Sanctuary opened and Negan stepped out with a familiar blonde head following behind him.

"Naomi?" I asked. "You're going to the outpost too?"

"Yeah. I volunteered. The Sanctuary's got a whole slew of new workers since everyone from your school moved in, but Simon needs more bodies at his base." She approached me and I caught sight of Negan going over to the trucks to inspect them and talk to a few Saviors. Naomi smiled wide at Abby and tickled her chin before beaming at me.

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked, glancing over at where Eric was speaking with Vivienne. "Can you watch after him?"

"Of course. I'll make sure he stays out of trouble." Naomi seemed confident about going to the outpost, and it made me feel much better. The other Saviors began loading into the trucks, and Naomi headed over to join them. Eric came over to me one last time and placed a kiss on top of Abby's forehead.

"I'll come back here every other weekend and Simon's gonna give me a walkie-talkie once we get there. I'll be on channel 6. Call me every night and let me know how things are going?"

"Yeah, I will," I promised.

Eric smiled. He looked tired. "Thank you, Elle."

He gently rubbed Abby's head and then nodded. "Time to go."

I stood there and watched as the trucks drove off through the fence and my friend disappeared from sight. Abby became restless, and I glanced down at her as she began to whine. I hadn't even noticed Negan had come to stand next to me to watch the trucks leave.

"I have a job for you," he said.

"Okay…" I said, giving him a questioning look.

"I need you to help me with managing points. You know…Make sure they're being distributed fairly and no one's cheating my system. We keep ledgers and shit gets documented daily. You can go over them in the evenings."

"What do you want me to do during the day?" I asked, surprised he was giving me an actual job. I had expected him to ask me to become a wife again, but was glad he seemed to be dropping the topic for now.

"I think you've already got your hands full," Negan said, smiling down at Abby who was staring up at him with big eyes.

I'd almost forgotten I was now Abby's full time guardian. I knew very little about taking care of babies, and couldn't argue with him. It was definitely going to be a full time job.

"We can go over points in my room every night, if you're up for it…" He wasn't telling me. He was asking.

Part of me was glad he wasn't being as commanding as usual, but another part was irritated he was treating me like I was fragile. Maybe giving me this job was his way of getting to spend more time with me. Maybe he really needed help with keeping track of points. Either way, I didn't have anything else to do.

Nodding my head in acceptance, I looked up at him.

"Okay."

I was so exhausted that night, I passed out the second Abby fell asleep. I had my own room close to Negan's, and Abby's crib was set up at the end of my bed. It had been so long since I had a full night's rest, that when I woke up in the dark and didn't hear the sound of a baby fussing, I closed my eyes again to drift off back to sleep.

Then I sat up and flipped on the tall lamp near my bed. Staring at the crib, my eyes grew wide as I stared through the wooden bars and at the crib's mattress.

She was gone.

I don't know why, but my first instinct was to glance around the room frantically. Perhaps in my sleepy state I assumed she had crawled out, but she could barely support her own head. Jumping out of bed, I threw open my door and rushed to Negan's room. Not bothering to knock, I opened the door and went in.

"Negan, I can't find-" I began to say, and then stopped.

Negan was laying across his love-seat, sleeping.

My panic faded as I stared down at the little bundle on his chest. Abby was sprawled out on top of him, her head turned to the side and pressed against him. Her little pink binky was bobbing in and out of her mouth and she was fast asleep. Negan's leather jacket was draped over her as a makeshift blanket and his arms were wrapped around her to keep her in place.

Relieved she was okay, I let out a sigh and smiled a bit. Abby must have woken up while I was passed out and Negan took her with him so I could continue to rest. I had no idea how long I'd been out, but I still felt a bit drowsy.

Not wanting to disturb them, I headed over to his bed and crawled underneath the covers. Resting my head against Negan's pillow, I felt my body relax as I stared at Negan and Abby across the room.

Soon after, I fell into a dreamless sleep.