ARIZONA'S POINT OF VIEW
It had been over two weeks since Callie was taken from our home by ambulance and since then she had opted out of seeing her three children and me. Daily I would stop by the facility and pick up bottles of pumped milk and each time I would ask how she was doing and each time I was met with the same words, 'we can't tell you maim.'
Sofia was at an age where should knew her mother wasn't healthy but she didn't quite understand the psychological problems her mother was facing, so instead I told her that she had a really bad case of the chicken pox so she couldn't see anybody. I felt guilt for lying to my daughter but I wanted to spare her the pain that I felt.
Dr Abshaw had been in touch with Dr Porter who had asked me if I wanted to come in for a session, talk about how I was feeling; I didn't. Therapy had always been Callie's thing and I went because I loved her but now the woman I loved loathed me because of a mental illness that had taken over her mind, heart and body. My own heart ached at the fact her 'big fix' was being away from me and I couldn't stop wondering if subconsciously this was what she really, truly wanted. Instead of focusing on my own pain I channelled my sadness and anger into my children and my work.
I had no idea how long Callie was going to be gone for and I had begun to prepare for the worst. I enrolled the twins into the hospital nursery, putting them in from 9am till 2pm, Monday to Thursday so I could minimize my work load slightly in my return. The first day had been tough being away from the boys, knowing that they weren't with their mother but instead with a stranger. I would pop downstairs to peer into the window every hour just to see what the boys were doing, most of the time they were being carted around by the teachers who had fallen absolutely in love with them.
By time Thursday rolled around I was a veteran at my day as a solo mother. I would get up at 4:30, change the boys and pack their day care bag which I stuffed fill with nappies, changes of clothes, toys, blankets and bottles, half of which Brooke told me they didn't need so much of. Between 5am and 6am I would drink coffee on my bed and play with the boys, their laughs bringing joy to the start of my day. At 6am I would shift the boys into the lounge and I would start preparing Sofia's breakfast while simultaneously packing her lunch for school and familiarising myself with any after school activities she may have had. At 6:30am I woke Sofia up, if she wasn't already up. While she got changed into her uniform and packed her bags I would prepare my own work bag for the day ahead. At about 7am after hurrying Sofia along we would all meet in the kitchen for breakfast. I'd feed the boys, one by one while Sofia scoffed down her cereal and toast. After breakfast which usually lasted until 7:30, I did Sofia's hair, and every morning she would say the same thing, 'mummy does my hair better' and every morning I would respond 'you need to learn to do your own hair.' It seemed kinder than pointing out that her mother wasn't around to do it. After doing Sof's hair I would start shuffling all the stuff into the car, including the boys and finally pull out of the driveway around 8 to 8:15am. I would drive to Sofia's school dropping her off half an hour earlier than she was used to just to keep the rest of my day on schedule. Lucky for me, Meredith's children also got dropped off early, so she at least had somebody to keep her company. After school I swung by the facility Callie was staying in and I would wheel the boys in, in the hope that today she would see them but every day, so far, I left only with the four bottles of milk she had pumped since I had last been by. I usually arrived at the hospital at 8:45am, dropping the boys off at the hospital day care, then spending 15 minutes standing outside looking through the window as I plucked up the courage for another day at work.
Work had become a real stress release which I found awfully ironic considering how stressful my job was. I thought maybe the reason I enjoyed being at work so much was because it was fill of problems I knew I could fix, apposed to my own problems which I couldn't even begin to fix. Either way, work was a distraction I was thankful for.
I finished work around 1:45 every day, I made sure never to enter a surgery that would go over my kids pick up times and if I did I always arranged cover. It wasn't the short hours that were hard for me, in fact they were quite pleasant, I hadn't worked that few hours since I was 14 and shovelling horse poop in my neighbour's barn. The challenging part was knowing somebody was picking up my slack and it was almost, always Alex Karev. I had to remind myself when things settled down to send him and Jo on an all expense paid holiday, it was the least they deserved for constantly having mine and Callie's back.
After dragging myself away from work I would run by and pick the boys up before driving back to the facility and picked up more pumped milk for the boys. I had a fear that one day I would show up and there would be no milk for the boys, so I had purchased a container of formula just in case that day came. I figured at some point they would use it anyway so at the very least it was an investment. After picking up the milk I headed for Sofia's school. I almost always got out of the car, making an effort to show my face in front of the teacher and the other parents. I was starting to understand why Callie had grown accustomed to the school drop off and pick up, there was a community among parents that I had never quite been a part of before. They were always so supportive and willing to lend a hand, or maybe they were just being nice because my wife appeared to had fallen off the face of the earth. On Monday's I took Sof to swimming practice. I usually sat on the side, switching between boys as I hung their small tiny feet into the water. On Thursday's I took Sofia to soccer and while she practiced I went to the supermarket to get the weeks groceries. I was still using a shopping list written by Callie and for a second when I walked around the supermarket I felt like I was running an errand for her and that when I returned home, she would be so happy to see me. The moment usually didn't last long. After doing the grocery shopping I picked Sofia up and we all went home.
The evenings varied slightly but it all ended in the same result. All children bathed, boys asleep by 6 and Sofia asleep by 7, all her homework complete. After the kids were finally asleep I cleaned up the kitchen and sunk into a bath or stood under a shower to relax. I had been getting into bed by 8 and switching on the television with the intension of occupying my mind but I almost always fell asleep halfway through an episode, waking an hour or so later to switch the TV off and nod immediately back to sleep.
Not only did I have a new-found respect for solo parents but I hated myself more than ever for putting Callie in a position where she was worked as hard as I had been for the past two and a bit weeks.
Friday's were a bit more relaxed for me because I didn't go to work and the excitement of the weekend was enough to push me over the finish line. This particular Friday however, wasn't easy. I had just arrived home from dropping Sof off at school when my phone rung. My phone lit up with the name 'Dr Abshaw' across the screen. This was the phone call I had been waiting for, for weeks, or at least I hoped it was.
"Dr Abshaw, is Callie alright?" I asked her immediately as I leant against the car, not ready to unload the boys from the car just yet.
"Yes, she is fine. I'm actually calling because Callie has been working really very hard on herself and is feeling ready and confident enough to see her children," Doctor Abshaw said.
"Yeah of course," I said immediately, "Does she want all three of them there?" I asked, just for confirmation.
"If that is possible," she responded.
"Yeah no, of course. Absolutely," I said enthusiastically. "One tiny problem though. Sofia thinks her mum has chicken pox, like a really bad kind of chicken pox. Do I need to tell her otherwise?" I questioned curiously.
There was a silence over the direct line as Dr Abshaw covered the mouth piece and carried on a conversation with someone in the distant, I could only imagine that somebody was Callie.
"Yes, that'll be fine," she finally said.
"What about me?" I said, finally gathering the courage to ask the question I dreaded the answer to.
"It's nothing personal, Callie just thinks…"
"Yeah no, yeah, that's fine," I said as I took a deep breath. "When does she want to see them?" I asked her curiously.
"Will Saturday 2pm work for you?" Dr Abshaw questioned.
"Yeah," I said, the enthusiasm washed from my voice.
"She is doing well Dr Robbins, you'll have her back before you know it," she said before hanging up and leaving me standing dumbfounded against the car.
The rest of Friday I felt quite dazed, like my situation, my life, couldn't possibly be real. I decided to forgo any cleaning for the day and hall up on the couch and watch Netflix, the boys playing on the floor beside me. It would have been a well-deserved break if my mind didn't keep conjuring up the worst-case scenarios for tomorrows meeting. What if the kids got there and Callie didn't want to see them after all. What if they got there, saw her and she had a break down in front of them. Everything that could go wrong went swirling through my head at 100miles an hour.
At 2:30 I packed up the twins and I went to pick Sofia up from school. Sofia had been a rock during this last few months and there weren't enough words to describe how proud of her I was. So instead of trying to tell her, I decided to show her.
"Where are you taking me," Sofia asked as her mothers, deep brown eyes looked up at me.
"It's a surprise," I smiled as I drove through the main stretch of town and finally pulled into a small carpark outside Sofia's favourite ice cream parlour.
"NO WAY," she said with a large grin spread wide across her face, "Ice cream before dinner," she said as she looked over at me, "you're the best mama," she said as she climbed out of the car in excitement.
Her words made that trip across town well and truly worth it. "Can you put Cayden into the stroller?" I asked her as I unclipped Charlee from his car seat and I lifted him into the stroller.
Sofia unclipped her brother and she picked up his body like she had been taught to and she carried him across to me, sinking him into my arms so I could take over.
"You know Sof," I said simply as we began to walk side by side towards the ice cream parlour. "I talked to your mum today," I explained to her.
"Is she nearly better mama, she has been sick for a long time," she said with a small frown burrowing between her brows.
"Well she is getting better. Her doctors have said you can visit if you'd like to, tomorrow," I told her.
"What about Cayden and Charlee?" she asked me. Sofia was always looking out for her brothers.
"Of course," I responded.
"What about you?" she asked me.
"Ahhhh, well," I said trying to conjure up a lie as we walked, "I have to go to the post office," I said, my own frowning slightly with confusion.
Sof looked up at me, I instantly straightened my face, she searched my face for clues before finally just nodding, "You can have two scoops if you want Sof," I said, trying to take her mind off the conversation we had just had.
"Really?" she asked, her eyes growing twice in size as we entered the store, "Can I have chocolate sauce too," she asked me.
I nodded which made Sofia's smile grow in size, her eyes exploring all the different ice cream flavours that she could choose from. Like most people, I doubted she would branch out from her usual salted caramel and chocolate, with chocolate sauce.
Saturday came, and it was as if the boys knew it was Saturday because they didn't wake till 6am. We spent the morning watching cartoons and eating scrambled eggs on the couch; a big no, no, when mum was around. In the late morning we took a stroll to the park and met up with Meredith and the kids. Zola, Bailey and Sofia laughed, ran and played together on the playground while Meredith and I talked, our three young babies fast asleep in their strollers.
"Have they indicated how long it may take?" she asked me, her eyes locked on our children as they jumped around the playground.
"Not really. Dr Abshaw has stopped talking to me about everything except the kids," I told her.
"I just have this feeling in my gut that she is going to leave me," I admitted as I watched the children play.
"She isn't well, you have to remember that. This isn't anything to do with you. Having a baby can mess you up. It's meant to be the happiest time of your life but you feel anxious, scared, secluded, tired and a hundred and one different crappy emotions yet somehow you still have to smile and pretend like everything is okay. I very briefly had postnatal depression after Ellis was born, maybe a mixture of postnatal depression and normal depression," she admitted, "I struggled with life. Getting up in the morning sucked. Even surgery didn't tickle my fancy. Depression takes you and distorts you until you, your friends, your family even, have no idea who you are. You have to be patient, she will come back to you. She's your Derek," Meredith said with a smile as she snaked her arm over the park bench and rubbed my back reassuringly.
I couldn't help but think Meredith's 'Derek' didn't end happily, but that was just my pessimistic side talking.
After the park I took the kids home for lunch. I wanted to feed them before taking them to see their mother so they were in a somewhat bearable mood for her. When we arrived at the facility I signed the children in and we waited in the waiting room until someone came to get them. The room was white, the scary kind of white that you associated with psychiatric hospitals. Sofia was feeling a bit uneasy, so she held onto my arm and rested her head into my side.
"Dr Robbins, and the three musketeers," she beamed as she shook my hand.
"Dr Abshaw," I said simply, a very faint smile twitching onto my lips.
"Sofia, are you ready to see your mum?" she asked Sofia who slowly sheltered her head behind my body.
"Sof, it's alright. Mummy is upstairs," I informed her but she wasn't buying any of it and after stepping foot in this place I doubted she believed my chicken pox theory.
"I want you to come," she mumbled against my body, her big brown eyes looking up at me.
I looked up at Dr Abshaw as if to ask for a moment. I bent down to Sofia's level, my hands holding hers as I looked her in the eyes, "Mummy doesn't have chicken pox sweetie," I said my hand raising to her head as I pushed her beautiful hair from her face, "she doesn't feel well though," I told her, "and I know that if I wasn't feeling better that seeing your face would cheer me up," I said, a single tear forming in the corner of my eye. I blinked it away as I tried to hold myself together for Sofia.
"Mummy will want to see you too," she said with a frown.
I bit down on my lip and I put my hand over my mouth as I tried to force back the tears that wanted to stream down my face, "Mummy… Mummy," I couldn't finish the sentence, even if I could speak, I wouldn't even know what to say.
"There can only be three people in the room Sofia," Dr Abshaw said, jumping in to help out, "your Mummy wanted to see you and your brothers so much that your other Mummy said…"
"This is my mama," Sofia interrupted, her voice stern as she spoke. Dr Abshaw hadn't become my favourite person and I think now, she wasn't Sofia's either.
"Well your Mama said she would wait down here so you could all see your mummy and maybe next week, your Mama can join us," Dr Abshaw said with a polite smile.
"Your mummy needs you," I said as I took her coat in my hands and I looked her fierce in the eyes, "you give her a big hug for me," I said, a tear finally falling down my face, "and you tell her that Mama…" I paused as I choked back some tears, "you tell her that Mama loves her very much," I finally said before hugging the small girl.
"Look after your brothers for me," I said to Sofia as I stood up and pushed the stroller towards Dr Abshaw.
Dr Abshaw took the stroller and a reluctant Sofia held the side as she followed her brothers all the way up to see their mother.
I paced the waiting room for a whole hour, looking at the clock every 5 minutes waiting for the scheduled hour to be up. When the clock struck 3pm I walked straight over to the reception desk.
"My children are up there visiting their mother. I just want to know how much longer they will be," I asked frantically.
"Last name?" she asked like a robot.
"Torres, Calliope Torres," I said as I watched her search the data base.
I didn't need to hear her answer when I heard Dr Abshaw's voice tumbling down the hallway, "Oh thank goodness," I said as I hurried over to my three beautiful children.
"You're late," I said to the doctor.
Dr Abshaw looked at her watch; 3:03pm. "It seems I am Dr Robbins, my apologies. The lift took a little longer today," she said in a polite tone, her undertone fill of sarcasm that I didn't much enjoy.
"Did you have fun with your Mum?" I asked Sofia as I took her hand in mine.
"Yeah," she said simply, "Mummy and I played pairs and I won," she proudly stated.
"I'll give you a game tonight, bet you wont beat me," I teased. " Ahh Soft, why don't you take your brothers over to see the fish tank while I talk to Dr Abshaw," I suggested.
Sofia nodded happily, grabbed the stroller as best she could and pushed it across the room to the fish tank.
"Did she feed the boys?" I asked the doctor curiously.
"I'm not really at liberty to discuss Callie's treatment with anybody other than a family member," she said quietly.
I bit down on my lip and I glanced towards my kids, double checking they were out of hearing range. "Firstly," I said calmly, "I'm not asking about her progress, I'm asking If our children were fed. I'm asking if I need to feed my boys when I get home or their mother did it. Secondly," I said my eyes locking sternly on hers, "I am her family," I said quietly, my voice full of anger as I spoke.
"She did not feed them," Dr Abshaw said simply before giving me a condescending smile and walking off in the other direction.
"Come on Sof, let's go home so I can whip your butt at memory," I said putting on a happy face just to satisfy my children.
The ride home felt silent, despite the fact Sofia talked the whole time and Cayden giggled and slurred the entire trip home. My mind went over every bit of information I had been given. I wanted to know if Callie was getting better but the only thing I knew for sure was that she was finally seeing her children, I didn't even know if it was her idea or part of the therapy. I opted to push the thoughts to the back of my mind so I could spend the evening enjoying my children's company. We ordered pizza and ate it in the lounge while watching Matilda, one of my favourite children's movies and now, one of Sofia's too.
"Teeth then bed time missy," I said as the credits to Matilda started to roll, the theme music filling the room.
"Mama, seeing as I don't have school tomorrow can I sleep in yours and Mummy's bed with you?" she asked as she climbed up from her spot on the couch.
When Sofia was younger to entice her to sleep in her own bed we would tell her, if she could sleep in her bed every school night then on Saturday she could sleep with us. That's how it worked for years until finally she just tootled off to her own room on Saturday nights. I remembered that first Saturday without Sofia squashed between us, Callie and I made the most of the alone time.
"I think I'd be okay with that, but go clean your teeth and put your PJ's on while I put your brothers into the nursery," I told her, glancing down at the boys who had nodded off to sleep, their hands clenching one another's like something out of a movie.
I transported both boys off to the nursery one by one starting with Charlee. After they were both settled in and looked well and truly asleep I backed out of the nursery and headed up to my bedroom where Sofia was already tucked up on her mum's side of the bed, "don't get used to this missy," I said as I heard the home phone go off. I glanced over at the clock, it was only 8pm but it was still a bit past calling hours.
I walked back through to the lounge to pick up the phone, "Hello, Arizona speaking," I said cautiously.
The phone was silent, I could hear somebody breathing on the other end but whoever it was didn't speak.
"Hello?" I questioned. I don't know what it was that made me suspect it was Callie but there was something in the way she breathed that made me say her name, "Callie?" I asked quietly.
"Is Sofia there?" she finally asked.
"Callie," I said with a sigh of relief, relief that I could hear her voice, "Are you alright? How is everything going?" I asked, hoping for answers.
"Alright," she muttered nervously, "Is Sofia still awake?" she questioned.
"Ahhh yeah, yeah of course," I said holding the phone away from my face as I yelled out to the small girl, "Sof, your mum is on the phone," I called. I immediately heard Sofia thump out of bed and run the hallway, reaching for the phone from my hands.
"Mum," she said excitedly, "Guess what I'm doing tonight?" she questioned, giving little chance for her mother to respond before she told her, "I'm sleeping with mama in your bed," she said with a big grin spreading on her face as she looked up at me.
After a short silence which I pictured being filled with Callie's soft, defeated voice Sofia spoke again, "I have been good that's why," she stated so matter of factly.
I listened for a good 5 minutes as the two talked, only ever hearing half the conversation and trying to imagine what Callie would say in response.
"Honey you need to get to bed, tell your mummy you need to go," I told her reluctantly. I wanted Sofia to talk to her mother as long as possible and as often as possible but I also didn't want to interrupt the flow of our days, we had just got settled into our own routine with Callie and it had proven a difficult task; especially when they were used to having her around 24 7.
"Mum I have to go," Sofia announced, "Mama said I need to go to sleep," she explained.
"Pass it to me, tell her I want to talk to her," I calmly begged.
"Goodnight, I love you too. Here is mama, she wants to talk to you," she said before thrusting the phone into my face.
"Callie," I said eagerly, half expecting her to hang up on me.
"I can't do this yet," she admitted.
"That's fine. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I miss you and no matter how long it takes for you to feel like yourself again, I'll be here for you," I said. I had been wanting to tell her that from the moment she had left the house in an ambulance, but this had been the only time I had got the opportunity too.
"Goodnight Arizona," Callie responded simply before the dial tone beeped in my ear.
I closed my eyes and I sighed, listening to the dial tone for a moment before putting the phone back on the charging stand. I said I'd wait and I meant it but every day I felt less and less confident that she would return to me.