ARIZONA'S POINT OF VIEW
I passed back and forward, the white walls surrounding me for the second time in just two days. Callie's doctor had called early this morning and had asked to meet with me and although my pacing suggested I was nervous, I was more excited. I had taken the kids around to Alex's for the morning because Dr Abshaw had suggested I find somebody to watch them, which made me think maybe, just maybe that Callie would be joining us today.
"Dr Robbins," Dr Abshaw said as she entered the room flicking a pen out of what seemed like a habit.
"Please, call me Arizona," I said both politely and nervously.
"So how do you feel about seeing Callie?" she asked me curiously.
"Does she want to see me?" I asked, fishing for a progress report.
"She does actually," she smiled as she gestured for me to follow her, "follow me," she said as she walked down the hallway to an elevator, "Callie has been working hard on her recovery, she has a long way to go yet but I do think in the next few days she might be ready to come home," she told me her eyes locked on the elevator as the doors swung open.
"Are you sure? I mean I want her home but I want her heathy," I said simply as I stepped into the elevator and watched the doctor push level six.
"Like I said, she has a long way to go but I do believe the rest of her healing needs to be done with her family. She has a lot of built up anger and frustration and a lot of regret," she explained to me as the elevator dinged on six and she stepped out of the elevator.
"Is this all my fault?" I asked her curiously. It had been the one thought I couldn't budge from my mind. I couldn't help but think if I had done things differently she wouldn't be in this horrible facility, missing memories with her children.
"It is important for you both to know it's nobodies fault. Had you decided not to return to work she would have eventually spiralled out of control anyway, her hormones were off balance and it was her drive to be a mother that kept her from tipping over," she explained as we entered a rather large office that appeared to double as a therapy room.
"Where is Callie?" I asked her curiously, darting around the room for any sign of my beautiful wife.
"I will get her shortly but first I wanted to have a quick chat," she said as she took up residence in a black, leather chair. "The Callie you knew, the Callie that you fell in love with may never be the same again," she said simply.
I took a seat in a chair opposite the doctor, bracing myself for the worst-case scenario.
"What Callie went through was and will be one of her biggest mental challenges yet, she will require a bit of time before she fully forgives herself for what she considers weakness," she explained. "Talking with Callie over these past couple of weeks has made me realise one thing. It doesn't matter what happens, or what journey you two take either individually or together, she see's her future in you," she said simply. "So I'm happy to release her into your care but I want you to be prepared," she explained, "Callie is still feeling quite brittle, she feels claustrophobic so I'm going to suggest to you a few things that might make her feel a bit more secure, settle back in better."
"Yeah of course, whatever I can do to help her," I said as I nodded.
"Callie is your partner so ultimately it is up to you how you move forward but maybe sleeping in separate rooms for a few days, just so she can get used to being around you again. I think she looks at you and feels like she has let you down somehow or feels like she has let her children down. After a day of feeling like that she needs the chance to reflect, sleep and reboot," she explained so simply. "She isn't ready for you to return to work, in fact, I'm not sure she will ever be fully ready after this but maybe, very slowly the both of you can return to work," she suggested.
"I've put the boys into day care for a few hours a day so that might make her feel better," I said in a hopeful tone.
"Maybe," she responded. "The other is talking. You're going to want to talk to her all the time, make sure she is okay, double check she isn't over thinking things or just make her feel loved and supported but he needs to come to you. Give her the chance to come to you instead of you always going to her. Let the room be silent, if she talks, great. If she doesn't," she shrugged, "Maybe next time," she said.
"Are you sure she is ready to come home?" I asked her, not convinced after everything I had heard that she was.
"I'm not sure," she admitted, "but the one thing I've learnt about Callie is that she loves you and she loves your children more than anything else in this world. I'm taking a risk that you and the family you have built will be the cure she needs," she said as she looked up at the clock. "I'll go get here and maybe you two could talk about how it might work," she said as she stood up.
"Wait. Ahh, do I hug her or is that too much?" I asked curiously, "what do I say to her? Can I tell her I love her?" I was so scared of making a mistake and making her curl up into a ball that I didn't even know how to be around my wife anymore.
"Just see how she goes. She will initiate what she wants and probably avoid the things she doesn't" she responded as she left the room, her words doing nothing for my nerves or my confidence.
A few minutes later, I heard Dr Abshaw's voice. I stood up and I turned around just in time to see Callie appear in the door way.
"Calliope," I said softly as I walked towards her and wrapped my arms around her, a hug she didn't initiate but also didn't stop or pull away from. "God I've missed you," I admitted as I felt her arms drop causing me to pull back.
"Come and sit down," Dr Abshaw said.
Callie walked around and sat down, like she had been in this room many times before. I followed her, sitting in the chair right beside her.
"So Callie, Arizona and I were just talking about you returning home," Dr Abshaw said as she crossed her legs and leant back in her chair, "do you have anything you want to say to Arizona?" she asked.
Callie was silent for a bit, her eyes locked on her fingers as they fiddled nervously, "Do you mind?" Callie asked curiously, her eyes meeting mine for just a second.
"Mind?" I shook my head furiously, "No. No. Not at all," I responded frantically. "I can't wait to have you home," I said with a smile coiling in the corners of my lips. "When did you want to come home?" I asked curiously.
"I thought maybe Monday or Tuesday. That'll give you time to talk to Sofia," she said, her voice slightly louder than before, a good sign in my books.
"Monday is perfect," I admitted as I gave her a brief smile. "Do you want something special for dinner? Or would you prefer to have dinner by yourself…" I let my voice trail off. "I'm here to help but I can't promise you I'll be any good at it," I admitted.
"You just keep doing what you've been doing, I'll just fit in when I feel up to it," Callie said. "Thank you, Arizona, for being there for me and for the kids," she mumbled as she leant out and took my hand, a gesture that I'm sure took a lot of courage.
"Forever and always," I said in response as we locked eyes for a split second proving to me that she still loved me, even if she didn't feel like herself.
When I got home I couldn't help but think there was only 30 hours until Callie was home. I had to prepare the house and more importantly prepare Sofia.
"Sof can you come here?" I called from the lounge, a glass of red wine in my glass as I waited patiently for the young girl to come barrelling into the lounge.
"what?" she said with an unenthusiastic tone attached to her words.
"Why don't you come sit down?" I asked her, patting the spot on the couch next to me.
Sofia walked across the room and sunk into the couch, her eyes searching mine for answers.
"You know how I told you your mum was in the hospital for chicken pox?" I asked her curiously.
"You were telling porkies, she doesn't have any chicken pox. I saw her remember," she mumbled with a slight roll of the eyes.
"Well yes, you're right, she doesn't have chicken pox but she is sick," I told her, "Your mum has a hormone imbalance which affects her mood," I tried to explain. "You know how sometimes you wake up and you're grumpy and nobody did anything or said anything to make your grumpy, you just are," I said.
Sofia paused for a moment before nodding, "like how the twins cry for no reason," she questioned.
"Ahhh, yeah, kind of like that. Mummy is feeling a bit sad and a bit angry because of the chemicals inside her brain," I told her, watching her face for any sign of confusion. "Well your mum is coming home tomorrow…"
"REALLY?" Sofia said, cutting off the rest of my conversation with pure excitement.
"Really. But I need you to help me help mummy feel better," I told her. "Mummy is going to sleep in our room and I'm going to sleep in the guest room while she starts to feel better," I explained.
"Is mummy sad and angry at you?" she asked confusingly.
"No sweetheart," the response barely convincing myself, "Mummy isn't mad or sad at anything in particular, she just doesn't feel like herself," I stated.
"Will she become herself again?" Sofia asked.
"Of course," I responded with a smile, "your mum might need time thought. You can't go rushing into the bedroom to talk to her every 5 minutes. You have to give her space Sof," I begged, hoping what I was saying wasn't too much for a 7 year old girl.
"She will want to see me," Sofia argued.
"Of course, she will sweetheart but mum will need breaks from all of us. She will come out and see you when she is awake and feels healthy," I promised her.
Sofia thought for a moment before shrugging slightly, "okay," she said simply.
The rest of the 30 hours went by in a flash. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, getting very little, if any rest throughout the night. I removed my essentials from the room we shared together, into the spare room where I would be staying for the foreseeable future. I placed the baby monitor right beside my bedside, looking it up and down as I took in my new reality. I had offered to pick Callie up but Dr Abshaw had insisted on dropping her off to make sure the change of scenery ran smoothly. I sat on the couch watching the boys make sounds of happiness as they played together, my eyes shooting over to the door every time I heard a noise.
When the noise I heard finally was Callie, I heard a strong knock at the door. I jumped up almost immediately hurrying to the door, "Sof, your mum is here," I called before reaching the door, opening the front door onto Callie and Abshaw. "Hey," I said with a smile as I stood aside and gestured them both in. "I've set myself up in the spare room so you could be back in your bed but if you'd rather have then spare room then that's fine too," I said in a fast, nervous tone.
"Arizona," Dr Abshaw said, almost reminding me of the things she had talked to me about.
"Right," I said as I nodded my head in understanding.
"That's fine," Callie finally said as her eyes lit up. I followed her gaze to Sofia who had just ran into the room, her arms open wide. "Hey sweet girl," she said as Sofia jumped into Callie's arms and she picked her up, laying kiss after kiss onto her face.
It was nice to see Sofia and Callie together, it gave me hope for the future.
"Is that the boys?" Callie asked with a small smile curling onto her lips as she placed Sofia down and followed the baby sounds coming from the lounge.
"Yeah, Charlee has really come into his own," I informed her as I followed her over to watch the boys squirm on their backs. "I never had enough time or hands to carry Charlee, he cried a lot at first but he is used to it now. Cayden keeps him busy," I said with a smile as I looked over to Callie who was already bending down to play with them.
"Arizona," Dr Abshaw called.
I took one last look at Callie before I walked over to the doctor leaving the sounds of my wife and my children playing behind me.
"Callie is better than she seems," she said simply. "She may appear distant, especially from you but she is home with you and the kids. I think that is a bigger step than you realise," she said softly.
"Thank you Dr Abshaw," I said sincerely as I took the doctors hand and shook it, "thank you for looking after her," I added.
"Anytime Dr Robbins," she said before quietly leaving the house, careful not to disturb Callie from her time with the children.
The rest of the night I pottered around the house, leaving Callie the chance to get re-equated with our children who hadn't grown a lot in her absence. Every now and then I would stand in the kitchen and watch her smile as she interacted with the children, my heart smiling every time she smiled. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried that she had barely acknowledged my presence but it was her first day home and if the roles were reversed I think I'd want to focus on our three beloveds too.
Callie asked to put the children to bed and I was more than happy to let her, they had missed being tucked in by their Mum. I followed around behind her, with a few minutes in between so I too could wish the children goodnight, careful not to interrupt her or cause her panic. When I thought about it, I was walking around on egg shells hoping not to make her run in the other direction.
After the children were asleep I went to lie on the couch and watch TV like I did most nights before slinking off to bed myself.
"Goodnight," a familiar voice said causing me to look over the couch to Callie.
"Goodnight," I said simply a soft smile presence on my face and in my eyes. "I love you Cal," I said quietly which she smiled in response too.
CALLIE'S POINT OF VIEW
Being home was overwhelming. Everywhere I looked I felt her eyes on me, monitoring me for cracks or any signs of relapse. I knew her intensions were pure and I could even tell she had made an effort to give me the space I so desperately required. The past two weeks away had taught me one thing above all else, trust your heart, not your head, and that's how I was navigating my first day home. I spent every second I could with my children, taking in Charlee's new found independence, Cayden's attempts to hold his own body up and Sofia's new teenager attitude that had clearly developed in my absence.
It was hard to explain exactly how I felt about this past month. I felt mostly shame, shame that my love for my children wasn't enough to stop it, anger towards myself for the things I had said and felt towards Arizona and sadness for how all of them may have felt. Dr Abshaw constantly told me to forgive myself and as much as I said I did, I knew I didn't. I couldn't imagine a day where I would forgive myself for the thoughts that crept inside my head, for the words I let escape my mouth and harm those that I love. Even though I didn't forgive myself, I did recognise it wasn't me, it was my illness talking and Dr Abshaw reminded me that, that was a good first step.
I wandered down the hall after putting all three children into bed and watching both Cayden and Charlee drift to sleep at the sound of the soft background music in their nursery. "Goodnight," I said nervously and slightly reluctantly as I went to walk away.
"goodnight," she responded a gentle yet weary smile playing on her lips, "I love you Cal," she added catching me slightly off guard. It's not that I didn't love her back but I was scared to let her in, to let her see how deep my breakdown had cut me open and bled me out so instead of responding I just smiled before walking back to my room.
The next three days were more of the same. Arizona attempted to give me my space while also watching in from a far like I was a foul taking my first steps at life. Arizona continued to carry the burden of a sick/recovering wife while also maintaining the household and looking after the children. I pitched in where I could but my medication made me drowsy and every time I went down for a quick rest, I woke up 4 or 5 hours later, still wanting more sleep. This particular day I woke at 8pm, the children were already fast asleep and the only sound I could hear was the distant sound of a television. I climbed out of bed and I walked out into the kitchen to get myself a drink of water, the TV in the lounge was off but the sound still lingered through the hallways. I finished a full class of water, placed it on the bench and slowly walked towards the sound which appeared to be coming from the guest room. I stood outside the door, my back pushed up against the wall as I listened. It sounded like Arizona was watching and old surgery tape. I listened for a good minute before I went to leave, my shuffle causing Arizona to pause her tape and listen.
"Sof," she said.
I closed my eyes and I shook my head, "nope," I murmured, "just me," I said before appearing in her doorway. "I thought Sofia was on her iPad or something," I admitted as I nervously bit down on my lip.
"No, just me," Arizona responded kindly, "I'm just watching a surgery Karev preformed last week, I've literally never done this before," she said with a smile forming on her lips as she held up the screen.
"He had a good teacher then," I managed to muster up. "I should go," I said nervously.
"Ahhh, do you want to watch with me?" Arizona asked, her bravery noted.
I looked at her for a moment, her stunning blue eyes piercing my heart. When I looked at her I wanted to say sorry over and over again but sorry didn't seem to cut it. 'Forgive yourself,' I repeated over and over again in my head before I slowly nodded, "sure," I whispered as I watched her shuffle over, giving me a large portion of the bed. I climbed up onto the bed and instantly Arizona pressed play and silently, our bodies basically worlds away from another, we watched Karev's once in a life time surgery, his smart-ass comments made throughout making us both smile on occasion.
After the surgery I excused myself from the room and Arizona just let me go, her eyes burning into my back as I walked away. I kicked myself for not saying something but there was something inside me that held me back. I wanted to be close to her again, I wanted to feel her arms around me and make her know that I loved her, despite everything I said but I felt like as soon as I let her back in I would have to face the consequences of my actions. Our fights had consequences. We had both done and said things we didn't mean, and it was easier to keep my distance from her than realise that the things we said and did had consequences on our marriage, on our friendship, on our future. I wasn't ready to face that just yet.
The next morning when I woke up the house was silent, like I had slept through the hustle and bustle of the morning. I looked over at the clock on my bedside table; 9:45am. Sofia would be at school and even the boys would be at the hospital play centre. Arizona had made the decision to put the boys into the hospital play centre while I was away and had asked me how I thought about putting them in once a week even though we were both home, so they could familiarise themselves with the teachers. Eventually Arizona and I would both return to work and it would be a blessing for both of us if the boys got used to the environment.
Just as I got out of bed I heard the front door shut and Arizona's voice fill the lounge.
"I'm picking the boys up at 2 from the hospital, I might be able to swing a 20 minute consult before then but 20 minutes and that's all," Arizona said as I heard her keys drop into the key bowl. "How far along is mum?" she asked. "Well 20 weeks would be better than 19," she admitted, "I'll take a look. I have to go Grey," she said before hanging up abruptly.
I sat on the edge of my bed and I listened for about 10 minutes before finally getting up the courage to go out into the lounge. I had to remind myself that Arizona wasn't a stranger, that she knew who I was, inside and out even if I didn't know myself.
"Was that work?" I asked, trying to make conversation. In hindsight, probably wasn't the best topic to lead with.
"Oh… um.. yeah," she stammered as if she had been caught red handed. "I was just going to check in on one of Meredith's patient while picking up the boys but if you want I can cancel," she responded nervously.
"No, it's fine," I said sincerely, "You need some time to yourself," I told her as I stood nervously at the kitchen island, my hands pressed against the hard marble as I search for another topic.
"Karev sent me the video of the follow up surgery from last night, do you want to watch it with me?" Arizona asked me, resorting back to the only mutual ground we had found since I had arrived home.
"Yeah. I'd love to know what he did with the spleen," I responded with a hint of enthusiasm in my voice.
"Let me set it up," Arizona said as she shot off to her room, returning moments later with her laptop which she connected to the TV, projecting the video onto the television.
"Do you want a cup of coffee or something?" I asked her as she set everything up.
"A coffee wouldn't go astray. The boys had a bit of a melt down when I dropped them off, so my coffee went cold," Arizona explained to me.
Just the thought of them in day care and me here with nothing to do gave me a hint of anxiety. I had to remind myself it was good for them. All or nothing wasn't good for twins that required stability and order in their lives.
"Do they like it there?" I asked her as I started preparing two coffees to go with the showing of Karev's follow up surgery.
"I think so. Charlee was a bit weary to begin with but he quite likes Brooke so he is a happy wee boy," Arizona informed me before she settled up onto the couch, propping her feet beneath her body as she waited for me to arrive with the coffees.
"Is this the last surgery on this little girl?" I asked as I walked over to the couch and handed Arizona her coffee which she thanked me for.
"Hopefully, if all goes well," Arizona replied as she watched me take up the spot beside her on the couch, almost shocked that I had. "Can I press play?" she asked me, her eyes watching me as I kept my eyes facing front.
"Yeah," I said as we both settled in to watch a three-hour surgery that seemed rather basic but for the well-trained eye was anything but.
Spending time with Arizona was hard but watching surgical tapes and discussing medicine made it seem far less challenging. It was like we were colleagues with off the chart sexual tension. I felt every accidental brush of skin like a pulse of electricity rushing through my veins, I felt her eyes constantly on me, not with worry or fear but instead with love and hope. As the video abruptly ended I glanced over to Arizona who was already staring at me. She leant forward, her intention blatantly clear as her lips finally rested against mine. I didn't kiss back to start with but as her lips lingered I finally felt the same urge to kiss her that she had to kiss me. I felt my lips move against hers, her body moving over top of mine so she could access my lips easier. Our passion for one another lingered as our lips pushed up against one another's and our tongues explored the interior of one another's mouth. I pulled away slightly, my eyes peering up at hers as she looked down on me.
"Sorry," she whispered as she retreated to her side of the couch.
"Don't be," I said as I wiped my mouth and looked away.
"I should go pick up the boys," Arizona said as she got off the couch abruptly.
I should have stopped her but even if I had I didn't know what I would say so instead I let her grab her keys and exit the house in a flush. I stayed on the couch for a while, trying to comprehend why I had stopped her from kissing me. Her lips felt so good against mine and I could have easily got carried away with her touch. Maybe the thought of it leading to sex was what had worried me. Sex to me meant I was fixed, I was ready to move forward, to share a bed again, to live happily ever after like we during those first six weeks of the boy's life. In my head, sex was everything and I wasn't ready for everything.