I realized that I did it again and just didn't put Atwater in last chapter….or most of my stories really. I apologize to my Atwater lovers, I am going to make it a point to remember to put him in here. That said don't hate me for how it goes.
Shots- Imagine Dragons
Love you. Please don't kill me.
Erin's P.O.V.
We step past the crunched car and crumbling wall onto a marble floor. The building the car crashed into happens to be a bank, and a very nice one at that. It's not part of any commercial branch and after a talking to a couple clerks there, all the cash is still in the registers. I turn to Matt.
"So if there was no robbery, care to explain what was so interesting a car going into a wall?" I ask, more sarcastically than normal, but hey, I was just in a car accident, my partner came about three millimeters from death right in front of me, and we still have a extremely dangerous criminal on the loose. Sue me. Casey doesn't seem to mind though.
"The car isn't the problem. Neither is the money. At least, not out front. I couldn't tell you if they took anything in the back." He responds.
"Didn't look?" I say almost appreciatively.
"No." He says, his eyes down cast. "I couldn't stay in there." He exits the way we came, leaving us with those wonderful parting words. I exchange a glance with Jay, whom is a little to pale for my liking (I know, I know, I'm being a mother hen) before we enter a gated area that leads into a room that contains one of those giant bronze circular doors. The kind you put on a vault. The room is a clean white walled and granite floored simple square. The door is slightly ajar, the only thing out of place in the sterile room. It's massive and looming, giving off the feeling that it's hiding something horrible. We push open the door.
Horrible is an understatement. More like evil.I think as I resist the urge to vomit all over the crime scene. My hand grabs Jay's arm and squeezes. He doesn't move, his eyes slowly taking in the inside if the vault and all its gore. And I mean gore because there is blood everywhere. Splattered across the ceiling, sprayed on the walls, pooling on the floor. Then there's the source of it all, the body's. At least five, but I couldn't really tell you because the body aren't...whole.
That's right. There wasn't any singular complete body. Hands, arms, legs, and heads lay strewn across the once nice floor. My own hands shake as my stomach convulses, and I taste bile. However, while I have stayed glued to the spot, Halstead has stepping inside the vault, finding the spaces where not blood has tainted the tile. My hand drops to my side from where it was covering my mouth trying to stop me from throwing up.
"Jay-" I can't go any further, I'm too out of breath. He doesn't spare me a glance, just keeps his eyes glued on a wall I can't see. Slowly I forward onto the edge of the vault, so I'm standing in the doorway if you will. Peering precariously around the corner I can catch a glimpse of what he's staring at. On a far wall, written in blood are words not in the English language, but obviously have malicious intent.
The tremor in his hands is a majorly inaccurate representation of what he's really feeling. I can tell because I've worked with him long enough to know how he's the complete opposite when it comes to showing stress or emotion. When something horrible happens to me or I witness the aftermath, you can tell I'm not alright. It's on my face and in my body language. In other words, it's not extremely hard to tell when I'm screwed up.
Jay on the other hand, is actually very hard to read when he's upset. Maybe it's the military training, but I feel that it goes further into his past than that. You see he shuts down when faced with extreme mental stress, as a way to survive. Which you have to, when in warfare, it's the only real way to live and be able to have some part of yourself left when the battle's over.
Unfortunately this also means he won't deal with the pain. I will, possibly at some point in my life, stop having nightmares about this. I could conceivably, 'cope healthily'. But if I were to suppress this, try and push it down to escape the feelings that come with it...well, it wouldn't be pretty when those memories come back. When you stop being able to push those memories and emotions down, they all come back at once,stronger than ever. The longer you contain pressure, the more it builds, until it explodes, ten times the force.
So you could imagine why I was a tad concerned by the fact that my partners face was completely void of emotion. Actually I take that back. You could place horror and pure fear on his face, probably reflecting mine. However there's something more on his face, something underneath the internal turmoil barely showing on his face, I'm just too mixed up right now to figure it out.
There's another moment of silence, before he abruptly turns and crosses the room in leaps and bounds, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me out of view of the blood bath. We move left of the door, sliding down the wall, so there's no way to even glimpse the scene in there. Only there, once we are have successfully sat on the bottoms of the floor, do we allow ourselves to breath.
I lean forward a little and then there's a hand on my back that pushes me forward more until my head is between my knees. I had been hyperventilating without even realizing it. Jay's hand stays on my back the entire time, rubbing small circles with his thumb. Eventually, when my breathing goes back to something resembling normality I sit back against the wall and stare at the ceiling, tangling my hands in my hair. Halstead just drapes his hands across his bent knees and drops his head.
We stay this way for a couple minutes, trying to figure out a way to process what we've scene. Or, more like trying to think in general. That crime scene, that massacre in there wiped any average thoughts from my head, leaving me with just a simple shell shocked blank space where my normal thoughts used to exist. So while I stare at the ceiling, I don't really see it. I see that-that blood bath and I know that the only thing separating me from sitting in the middle of that is six inches of plaster and wood.
"They can't see this." Jay finally speaks, breaking the silence in the room.
"What?" I wince at the sound of my voice, wondering when it got so scratchy. Halstead lifts his head and looks at me.
"The team. I-I don't want them to see this." I must give him a strange look because he continues.
"Dont you think two mentally scarred team members is enough?"
I swallow past the boulder in my throat and consider his statement. All it takes is a simple picture of them combined with how I felt-how I feel and I find myself nodding in agreement. At that moment we hear footsteps and voices outside of the room, a clear indicator that the rest of Intelligence will be arriving very shortly. Jay motions to the vault door and together we stand and push it closed, hearing a satisfying 'clang' as it locks. Halstead looks at me.
" Get them out of this room. Make it clear that they don't have a choice." I nod again and we turn and start walking toward Antonio and Al who have just entered the room. By the time we reach them Ruzek and Atwater have joined them, but not for long. I put my hands up and point back towards the door.
"You need to leave." I try to say as forcefully as possible. There's some protest, 'What's' and 'why's' and 'What's going on's but Jay and I just keep talking, telling them to turn around and half ushering with our hands. At one point Adam tries to stop and Jay gets pissed off. Kinda entertaining.
"Why can't we go in there?!" Ruzek yelled.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY, JUST MOVE!" Jay had roared.
Everybody moved pretty quickly after that. Finally we were back out in the main room, everyone stared at us like we were insane.
"What the hell was that?!" Voight says, clearly more than annoyed. I exchange a look with Jay. He nods then turns back to our boss.
"Do you trust us?" He asks in a quiet voice. The team is taken aback, as am I. Guess that nod meant something different to him. The silence stretches as Voight tries to figure out where Halstead is going with this or...is he hesitating? Does he really have to think this over?! Anger bubbles in my stomach at Voights hesitation. Halstead has been in intelligence almost as long as I have and our boss still can't see it in him to trust my partner. In-fucking-believable. Jay apparently gets just as annoyed with the think session everyone's having because he repeats himself, a snarl at the edge of tone.
"Do. You. Trust. Us?" He says through gritted teeth. Finally Hank answers.
"Yes." The rest of the team nods in agreement.
"Then you will trust me when I say that you do not need to see what's in there, at least not right now. And if you can't let this go, then I will go back in there and close the vault so you will be physically unable to enter. Am I clear?"
Jay speaks in a hard voice, cold, the only emotion evident is anger.. Everyone does a slow nod, shooting questioning looks at me but, not seeing anything to explain this on my face, return their gazes back to Halstead or each other. Still I fail to see how he will end this. The shock that Jay inflicted is keeping them quiet, but once that wears off, we are going to have a bunch very angry coworkers demanding answers. We turn and start to leave.
"They're not done with us." I mutter to him.
"I know." He reply's through gritted teeth before speeding up his steps and approaching truck company, whom are packing up.
"Hey Casey! Can we get a ride back to the precinct? We're only like three miles from here."
"Yeah sure man. Hop in the back." Matt responds. I throw him a smile as I climb in, excepting Otis's hand and jumping up into the seat.
"Is Voight okay with this?" Gabby asks as Cruz starts us on our way.
"I could care less." I say under my breath, still fuming from his evident lack of trust in Halstead and I. Jay smirks then reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. Holding it with two finger he raises it up to eye level so we can all marvel at the perfect 'c' it makes. The thing is destroyed. He looks at gabby.
"Oh yeah. He's totally cool with it." Jay says sarcastically. Reluctantly I try my phone. It turns on, but then claims 'low battery' and shuts off.
"Guess he's gonna have to be." Otis chimes in.
We arrive at the precinct shortly thereafter. Thanking Casey for the ride, he wishes us good luck, then we climb out and travel up the stairs into the precinct. Platt is on the phone with someone and I guess it's our boss because as we walk by she says "yeah they just walked in." Jay and I speed up, hoping to get up the stairs before she hangs up, but to no avail.
"Hey you two!" Wincing we turn and slowly walk back towards her. Putting on my most innocent smile I'm the first to speak to Platt.
"Yes?" I say sweetly.
"Don't even try it. That was your Sergeant. He asked me to remind you that the fire department is just that. They are not a taxi service." Her stern voice makes any pretense I had of being nice fall away.
"Way to stick it to the man." Her words make both me and Jay stare at her in surprise.
"Just don't let it happen again." Nodding we turn and start to head to the stairs leading up when she speaks again.
"Oh and Jay?" He whirls around. She sticks out a hand with a white envelope in it.
"This came for you." He takes it from her hand, but Jay doesn't move from his spot. He just stares at the piece of mail, white as a ghost.
"Problem Detective?" Platt says raising an eyebrow at him. His head snaps up and he stares at her, mouth moving but not forming words. I rejoin him. My presence seems to ground him enough to mumble "No problem sarge." He offers a wane smile which she returns, before he goes up the stairs to intelligence. I would have followed but Platt gave a me look that clearly said stay.
"What's up?" She stops doing her paperwork for the first time since we walked to look at me.
"You don't tell anyone this." I nod.
"That letter is from the military." I feel the blood drain from my face. Platt just glares.
"Relax momma bear. He's not going back. I checked." I tilt my head.
"You read Jays mail?!" I stage whisper. Trudy just puts her face closer to mine.
"Don't you think that if Jay was going back to the army, that it might be a good idea for Voight to know first?"
"What the hell would Voight be able to do about it?!"
"Not much, but at least he would know so he could talk to Jay about. Knowing Halstead he'd just up and leave. Anyway he's not going back so it doesn't matter. What matters is that you don't tell the rest of your little team, and you act as though you don't know. Capesh?"
I stare at her for a moment, totally lost.
"Yah, okay." I pause in my response. "Wait, did you say he would just leave?" I ask, recalling her earlier remark. Platt just stares at me incredulously.
"Seriously? That's what you're hinging on?!" I nod, mouth agape. Would he really just leave?
"Erin, if Jay Halstead were to be called back to the Rangers, he would be scared shitless of telling you guys, so he would just put it off until he was already on the plane, then just say 'oopsies, knew I forgot something.' I pause for a moment, offering a 'huh' face when I realize, shes probably right.
"And if you don't get upstairs, he's going to know that you know. Now, go!"
Slapping my hand on the desk, I turn and scuttle up to intelligence, just as Voight and the rest of the team walk in.
Voight's P.O.V.
Angry does not acuratly describe my mood as I walk into the main lobby. It's more like an annoyed fury. A non official suspect walks out of a bar, shoots at my team, almost kills one of them, hit and flips a car carrying my surrogate daughter and her partner, then proceeds to get away. AND Erin and Jay just decided that they run the team and don't need to notify the rest of the team when they leave a scene.
They are in soooooo much trouble.
It must be written all over my face because Platt just gives me a look before beckoning me to her desk.
"Go easy on your detective, alright? Today hasn't been the best day."
"Yeah, no shit. Doesn't give them an excuse to undermine my authority." I growl the response, unintentionally taking out some of my anger on her.
"I said detective, singular. Listen to me for once, okay? Don't be super hard on him."
"Why not?" I question, seeing abosoluty no reason not to go upstairs and rip them a new one.
"He got a letter from the United States Ranger Corp. today." She tells me like one would tell someone else tha it was going to rain later today.
I stare at her for a moment, my fury instantly redirects itself toward the new target-and then bounces it's way onto myself as I realize there's nothing I can do about it.
I promised to protect my team and now-
"Relax, cupcake. I told Erin and I'm telling you. He's not going back. But that still doesn't mean it's good news."
I pause.
"How do you know he's not-" I raise my eyebrows, Then lower my voice.
"You read Halsteads mail?!" She rolls her eyes.
"The resemblance between you and Erin is uncanny. Yeah, I do. And for this exact reason. Now if I've heard right, you have a angry Russian to go catch?" Nodding I turn and make my exit.
Once upstairs, I pause to stare at the small group gathered around Jay's desk. Ruzek is crouched down trying to pick the lock on one of the drawers, Atwater is down next to him trying to help and Antonio is just standing and watching, laughing at their failur to get it open. I shoot a glance at Erin, who's busy on the phone. She just rolls her eyes then raise her hand up in simple gesture that clearly says 'wasn't my idea'.
"Where Halstead?" I ask quietly as I walk to her desk. She puts a hand on the bottom of the phone but keeps the speaker part to her ear.
"Went outside, said he needed some air." She whispers back, however the look on her face tells me that she's worried about him. Sighing, I'm about to tell the team to get back to work, but he beats me to the punch.
"What are you doing?" Ruzek stands up so fast he almost falls over, turning to stare at Halstead with complete surprise written on his face.
"Oh, you know, we're just, uh..." Jay raises an eyebrow, not moving from his position, leaning casually against the wall, arms crossed. A picture of amusement as he watches Adam stumble over himself trying to find an excuse. Keven, who stood more slowly, offers one.
"Oh you know, we just checking to make sure your locks work. Gotta have all the desks in prime condition."
Jay tilts his head slightly in mock surprise before replying.
"Oh? And are all the other desks getting their locks checked too?" Adam has edged his way around the desk so now he stands next to Antonio, with a clear line of escape.
"Uhhhh...yeah. Yes! Absolutely. Every desk!" Jay pushes off the wall and stands in front of the two, drawing himself to full height, feet slightly apart, hands balled into fists at his side. Atwater actually backs up a tiny step.
"You checking them with a clothespin and a paper clip?" His eyes are hard and guarded, adding to the intimidation factor. Adam opens and closes his mouth a couple times ,before turning to Atwater.
"Oh my gosh, you know what we are going to be late! Sorry Jay we gotta go...uh, somewhere." To Atwaters credit he goes with it, not stopping for a second, while ushering Ruzek toward the stairs and away from Jay's hard glare.
"Yeah, uh, it's real important we get there on time, so we gotta go. Talk to you later Halstead!" He calls over his shoulder before rushing down the stairs, hot on Adams heels. Jay looks at Antonio, who just raises his hands.
"Wasn't me." Is all he says before returning to his desk. Jay just shakes his head before moving to return to his. I call him back.
"My office." I nod to Erin as she hangs up the phone. She moves with Jay then closes the door once she enters. There silence for a moment as I simply look at them. Jay catches my eye but quickly looks to the floor. I open my mouth to say something but Lindsay interrupts.
"It wasn't his fault!" She blurts out. "Look both out phones were dead and we just wanted to get out of there! If you saw it you'd-" she cuts herself off as she realizes what she said. Any pretense of not going hard on the two disappear instantly.
"No I didn't see it, I was to busy being pushed out of the crime scene BY MY OWN TEAM!" Lindsay flinches back at my yell, but keeps talking.
"Voight we just-"
"No! Enough! You threatened your own team over a freckin' crime scene! And you!" I found on Halstead, my feet carrying me forward until I'm right in front of him.
"You DARE challenge me?! You have a problem, you tell me in private, not airing it out in front of the entire team! Understand!?" Halstead does nothing more than stare at me, eyes wide.
"Voight, we had to, it was the only way to keep you from-"
"FROM WHAT?!" I roar, turning back to Erin. "Doing our jobs?!"
She glares at me, her own temper rising.
"No! You didn't need to see that okay?! It was an 'in the moment' thing!"
"That wasn't your decision to make in the first place! You made it seem like we couldn't do our jobs, Erin!" Lindsay opens her mouth again to say something, but I am tired of hearing her trying to explain this.
"NO! No more! I'm done with your excuses Erin! Just because you two can't handle a little bit of gore and violence, doesn't mean the rest of us can't either!" I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. Lindsay looks at me, shock painted on her face and Jay takes a small step back. I want to apologize, but suddenly Erin is screaming at me and I'm to caught up in the moment to stop.
"HOW DARE YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH AND YOU DARE SAY THAT 'I CANT HANDLE IT'?! HALSTEAD'S BEEN THROUGH TWENTY TIMES WORSE THAN YOU OVER SEA'S AND YOU DARE SAY THAT HE CANT HANDLE IT EITHER?!" Her rage washes over the small space, the air turning hot and thick with our combines anger. Not once did she lower her voice and I scream right back.
"YOUR DAMN RIGHT I DID! TWO EXPERIENCED DETECTIVES CANT HANDLE A LITTLE BLOOD AND GORE MAKES ME WONDER JUST HOW MUCH YOU'VE REALLY SEEN!"
"OH YEAH RIGHT, BECAUSE HALSTEAD DIDN'T SEE ALL THE TRUE SIGHTS WHILE HE WAS FIGHTING A DAMN WAR!"
"THEN HE CAN GO BACK!"
With a sharp crack my face is thrown sideways and pain slices across my cheek as Erin's hand falls back to her side. No one moves. The only sound is heavy breathing when I finally look up at Lindsay. Tears stream down her face and her hands tremble.
"I'll be at my desk if you need me, Sargent." Her voice wavers and she just about sprints from the office, leaving just me and Halstead who hasn't said a word the entire time. He too, turns to leave but pauses, not quite facing me or anything really, more like stairs at the floor.
"CSU finished up five minutes ago. You'll have the crime scene photos within the hour." He says quietly before exiting and closing the door Erin left open.
Leaving me alone to realize what I've done.
Well that was...climactic. So, uh, I hope you guys really enjoyed this one. As you know it took me a while to get it up. The reason behind that being I wrote, rewrote, then rewrote again, each time making major changes to it. I'm still not super happy but hey. My beta said its good. And I aaaaalways listen to da beta. :D thanks bubbly. Ur awesome.
Oh yes and I must respond to my call out-recently a new author of the cpd fandom popped up and told all her followers to go read my stuff. Therefor-
A HUGE THANK YOU to ms. Athena Jackson for the mention. If you guys haven't read her story I strongly suggest you do. It's pure Jay whump (A to Z actually) and its reeeeally good!
REVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEW- small side not here: I have a fav author of mine recently reminded of why reviews are so important- they keep stories going. They keep us authors updating. But really, when we see a review, it lets us know people actually want to read more of our stuff. (Most authors have an identity crisis in that we think our work is shit)
Reviews keep us writing. So please-send some love by clicking that review button. :)