A/N: This story is written for The Leaky Cauldron's Wild, Wacky and Weird Character Pairings Event. My prompt for this round was Severus Snape/ Dolores Umbridge.

This is dedicated to Kat (roseusvortex), Zivvy (Zivandre) and Oni (Story Please). I make absolutely no apologies for whatever this is and blame you lot ;)

Word count: 526 words

Breakfast Ruined

She had seen many a strange thing in her time, but nothing quite like this. As Minerva had been eating her breakfast, trying to eat it as quickly as possible before the great toa—a certain staff member entered the room, a great commotion had overcome the Great Hall. Her green eyes had turned from her porridge to the students in front of her, most of whom had stood—particularly the Slytherin students—and began dry-reaching.

Minerva surveyed the room, trying to find the culprit. It seemed unlikely that anyone would try to poison breakfast, but with the school's two pranksters gone and Voldemort on the rise, she didn't want to take any chances. As it were, cancelling classes was out of the question with exams coming up.

Clearing her throat, she stood up. "Attention, please."

Only a few students turned their eyes to her. The majority of students who hadn't fled from the room were now leaning over, emptying the contents of their stomachs onto the marble floor and house tables. The sight made her own stomach churn, but she swallowed back the bile that came to her throat.

"Filch, fetch the mop, please," she said, turning to the caretaker.

The man's eyes were focused past her on the other end of the table, almost glazed over. Sighing, she snapped her fingers in front of his face, no time to worry about the man's problems. "Now, please."

The man shook his head, his face still a little pale. "I think I'll need a bucket for myself," he said, taking off across the hall.

Minerva's eyebrows shot up. Filch had not eaten any of the food that morning—that she knew for certain. He had come in earlier that morning, muttering about how wizards should have been more inventive with their food than serving porridge and toast every morning. She had ignored him as usual, but now, she realised it was important. If he hadn't eaten the food, then it couldn't be a poisoned breakfast.

So what was going on?

She hoped that perhaps Severus had arrived with an answer. When she turned around and looked down the staff table, she saw that Severus had, indeed, arrived. It also seemed he had the answer to their problem.

The bile rose up her throat again, and this time, it was with great effort that she kept it down.

Severus gave her a guilty smile, and if the sight of the small black bow hanging from his robes collar didn't make her sick or the bright pink lipstick plastered on his cheek, she would have found it amusing he was capable of such a facial expression. As it were, she covered her mouth with her hand and turned away.

The toa—Dolores was standing behind Severus, and a ridiculous, girlish giggle emanated from her throat when she had caught Minerva's eye. Minerva could still hear her giggling, bringing forth the image of the woman wearing one of Severus' black cloaks. It was too much, and with a final gulp to keep the bile down, she ran from the room.

Classes would definitely be cancelled that day, and for once, she didn't mind.