"This place is wrecked. To think Dad complains about my room. Since when was America such a mess?" Ted stumbled over shattered brick fragments as he wriggled out of the booth.
Broken glass was swept up against walls, and windows were boarded up all down the street. A sign for a bakery dangled askew from the nearest vandalized shop, and many of the other damaged stores displayed empty shelves for the foods they once sold. The wreckage wept dust that turned sticky in the moist air, and coated everything in grey layers. Even the trees lining the street withered under a dull coating.
"One thing I do know for sure, is something historical definitely happened here." Bill announced confidently as he climbed out after Ted, the rest of the group following him out a bit more uncertainly. Imhotep regarded the architecture with obvious contempt for how easily it succumbed to assault.
"Well, maybe there's nobody in particular around here," Bill conceded, scuffing away some of the dust that settled over his sneakers. "But we're sure to have better chances if we look somewhere more over there."
They all followed their gazes along the line Bill indicated with his finger. A flag waved high above the town, its bold red field slashed by crossing blue bars filled with stars. It spoke a refusal to let go of the pride and dignity now ruined by the destruction. Below the flag's gaze, grand houses clung desperately to a genteel air even while being choked out by miserable shanties that encrouched on every open space.
"Hello persons of history," Bill called out as they weaved through broad streets made narrow with debris and cobbled shelters.
People ducked into their shacks instead of greeting them in turn. Nearly every white male, from grizzled old men to fresh faced boys, sported a grey military uniform. They marched on with harried strides, ignoring the group. Many women wore drab black dresses as if in uniforms of their own, and they stared at the boys searchingly as they passed, only to turn away again with weary eyes. Even in the noise of the crowded streets, a strange silence hung between every breath and footstep. The people stared out into the distance whichever way they turned their heads, as if waiting for something to come, something to change, or for something to break.
"Dude, have you ever wondered if we might be on the wrong side?" Ted asked.
Bill thought on that long and hard. "Yeah," He finally agreed. "It'd probably all turn out better if we had tried the other side all along." With that, he led them all across to the opposite street. "I feel this side is much better suited to lead us to historical personages."
A slim line of soldiers marched down the street Bill had chosen, and Bill pointed after a young man who peeled off from the row. "Come on, let's follow that guy."
His smart grey uniform was fading into brown, and his gaze clung to the flag just as theirs had, though he followed it not as a guide post but as an emblem of safety and the status quo. They trailed him to where the flag stood over what had once been a park, but now the ground was trampled barren under high piles of cannons and munitions grimly waiting to serve their end.
As they came closer, the man they followed hand flicked some gesture, and a half-dozen armed men stepped out from around the buildings and armaments to surround the group.
"Non-heinous," Bill said.
"Wait," Ted broke in. "You totally captured us, dudes!" He declared enthusiastically to the soldiers. "Now take us to your leader, because we totally have something important to say to whoever that is."
The men gathered around the time-travellers, boxing them together and marching them inside. There they met an older fellow, his long jacket marked with stars, his head bent over a map spread across the table as he worriedly examined the marked figures that crowded toward the city.
"What's that?" Bill asked, trying to peer around his shoulder.
"That is..." He looked up from the map to come face to face with the motley group. "Wait a minute, who are you?"
"They claim to need to speak to you, yet we found them attempting to spy on our troops, and to sneak into our headquarters. I would like permission to interrogate them, Sir."
"They may be strangers, but that is no reason to greet them so discourteously. No one brings women on a war party," The older man chastised. "Forgive my lieutenant here. I assure you he's usually more of a gentleman, but I'm afraid he does have cause to be on edge. Though if I might beg your indulgence, I will be needing some explanation as to what brings you before me today."
"Take us to your leader?" Ted tried again.
"That would be myself, Robert Lee, general of the Army of Northern Virginia. Unless you've come to enlist yourself to some service to the state, I'm afraid I can't see how we could be of help to one another."
"We aren't here to enlist. Most of us aren't even American, except for Bill and I, and Mrs. Sacagawea. We heard some kind of history is going on, and we all decided to check it out."
"I fear I don't know what history this country has left to its name. America seeks to tear itself in two. My loyalty belongs to my home state, and to show my love for the country would be to deny my love for home. I fear some last stand will take place, if not here, than some other city deserving of God's mercy."
"Most historical," Bill assured everyone.
"Bogus," Ted groaned. "Dude, America is totally not in two. We're from the future, and one thing we saw for sure was that the country was still in one piece when we left it."
General Lee raised his eyebrows at that."If you have some notion what God has planned for the future of own country, then surely you can tell me how Virginia fairs after this terrible business."
Bill asked "How would you like something even better? Wyld Stallyns world tour is now offering a sneak preview into the American future, yours for the cost of a good showing on our history report. We can bring you back right after you left. You can find out what happened, and then you can come back here and do whatever history said you did."
General Lee gazed over their strange group, dressed in disparate costume and muttering to each other in different languages. "You sound truly mad. But, a man should never discount the evidence before his own eyes. I regret there is little I can do here but order my men to flee, and if flee we must, before we do I would explore every avenue of possibility. I lay my faith in your hands, and God willing my home state shall prosper by the decision." He turned to his lieutenant and said, "If I am not back before nightfall, you know my orders. I trust you to carry them out successfully."
"There is one thing I need to fetch first," General Lee added, and reached under his cot. He pulled out a hen, who fluffed her wings at being woken before settling into his grasp. "She's a loyal old soul, goes quite to pieces if I leave her." He said, and tucked a hen into his coat.
Bill and Ted looked at each other and shrugged. "Come on, we got more historical personages to collect before we can get back to the future."
As they walked, General Lee commented, "If it is the greatest of history you want, then it suprises me that George Washington isn't amongst you already, a true hero if any man ever was one."
"Who's he?"
"He carries the very foundations of our country on his shoulders, a country he made to influence the entire world. It is not history without his presence."
"Does that mean he'd get us a good grade on our report?" Ted asked.
Mr. Lee gave him an odd look before commenting, somewhat dryly,"Yes, I would imagine so."
"Excellent!"
"Got him," Bill said, coming to a page in the phone book and grabbing the receiver.