The First Time Ever chapter seventeen
A/N: Hi guys! I hope you're all having a great 2017! In spite of prelims and music competitions, my 2017 has been relatively mediocre.
First, I don't know if you guys get a notification if I replace a chapter. But if you do, I'll probably be fixing stuff in a few chapters, because, as Nicole pointed out, I'm a massive ding ding who didn't check for plot holes. *facepalms* Thanks Nicole for pointing it out!
Secondly, I have a Wattpad story called 'That Smile'. I'm going to, in a moment of shameless self-promotion, suggest that you guys read. I've been working super hard on it recently.
Also, I'm gonna change the rating of this to 'T'. I set it as 'M' for safety but I think it's safe to lower it.
cmoney13- You're cute. You remind me of my girlfriend… Oh wait.
ARIZONA'S POV
I could hear them in my sleep. The nightmares that haunted my not-so-peaceful slumber usually consisted of the tiny coffins that were the fate of numerous children I had treated, but now my dreams were the victim of the animals that I had heard fighting over the body of the pilot. Every time I managed to drift off into an easy sleep the images started and I could hear the ravenous growling as they fought over their prey.
This meant that I hadn't been getting much sleep. I knew what would happen when I closed my eyes so I avoided sleep at all costs. Only when it was affecting my work did I finally lay my head on the pillows, but it wasn't much use.
Calliope had suggested that I see a therapist, but I had made it clear that that wasn't for me. I was the doctor, not the patient. Callie was also being spared the details of what happened out there and my feelings about them- she didn't need to know all of that. She didn't deserve to live with something that I barely made it by with myself.
I convinced myself that this would wear off soon. I wasn't an idiot- I knew PTSD was a life-long burden, but in most cases, it faded and only returned when triggered. I was waiting with bated breath until such a time came. I was determined to get my life back to normal, and marry the girl of my dreams.
Calliope was the one thing that never failed to make me smile. Even after my most restless of nights she managed to make me forget about it all with one smile. Never once had I doubted my decision to put a ring on her finger.
I was slouched against the nurse's station in the peds ward, barely able to keep my eyes open. My eyes kept straying away from the chart I was filling in. I had spent the night in an on-call room, trying to get more than an hour's sleep, which was a big fail. Sometimes if I was at home in Callie's arms the nightmares would subside, because I felt truly safe when I was with her. However, I had worked the night shift and was working until five pm today while she slept alone at home.
"Are you okay?" A familiar voice asked from behind me and I spun around to see Teddy standing there. We were working together on a case- fifteen-year-old Jenna Martin, who needed surgery to insert a pacemaker. Her surgery was scheduled for tomorrow morning.
"Yeah. Just tired." I confessed, leaning against the nurse's station and flipping the chart closed.
"Callie told me that she was worried about you. She said you haven't been sleeping."
I sighed. "Callie's a worrier. I'm okay, really. I'm going to check on Jenna, you coming?" I asked her. The lie had slipped off my tongue a lot easier than it should have done. It made me frustrated that I was lying to the people who I loved most. But Teddy had been out there in the woods, too. She probably had her own PTSD to deal with, never mind mine.
"Hey, Jenna!" Teddy exclaimed as we walked into the fifteen-year-old's room. It was just after nine am and breakfast had been served around an hour ago.
"Hi!" She replied cheerily. "How are you guys?"
This made me laugh because that was what we were supposed to be asking her. Jenna was interested in psychology as a career, so she'd told us, and we both agreed that it was a good path for her. She was good at reading people's emotions and she made it a point of asking how we were every day, especially after hearing that we were in a plane crash. It had been all over the news on the week it had happened.
"I'm great. Dr Altman?" I answered, turning around to look at Teddy.
"I'm also great. But, I believe we're the ones who should be asking you that. How are you doing?"
Ten minutes later, we exited Jenna's room with fully updated vitals on our charts. I was counting down the hours until I could leave. I loved my job, but the tiredness was overwhelming and I just wanted to see Callie. Luckily, I didn't have any surgeries scheduled for today.
"Come with me." Teddy told me firmly before she walked off. Wondering what this could possibly be about, I followed her, confused when she led me to an on-call room.
"I know what happens in these rooms." I said matter-of-factly. "I hope you aren't getting your hopes up."
Teddy made a face. "Sure I do, just give me a minute to get my game on." She said and we both laughed. "No, but seriously, I'm a fan of penis." She said with a note of finality as she collapsed onto the bed. I laughed at her antics and sat down beside her.
"Of Henry's penis?"
"Especially Henry's penis."
"Oh, so there are others?"
"Yeah, don't you know that I have two jobs? Kickass cardiothoracic surgeon by day, hooker by night." She said before we both dissolved into a fit of laughter.
"Do you talk to Henry about it?" I asked suddenly. I felt guilty for not letting Callie in and I wanted to know I wasn't the only one. If there was any person in the world that was going to understand then it would be Teddy.
"The plane crash? No. He's so busy with his training. He doesn't need to know all that." She sighed and I nodded.
"I can't bring myself to talk about it with Callie. I know she's dying for me to let her in, but…" I trailed off.
"You can't bring yourself to burden her with stuff like that." Teddy finished for me. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
We stared at the wall opposite for a few minutes. My mind was far away from the on-call room, picturing the endless trees and rivers that we had been trapped amongst. I could only assume that that was what Teddy was thinking about too.
"You haven't been sleeping, have you?" She asked me. I didn't have the energy to lie to her any more.
"No." I said guiltily. "Every time I close my eyes it's like I'm back there, and I can hear the animals…"
Teddy nodded. By this point, we both had tears in our eyes. I knew that I should have talked to Teddy sooner. She was the one person on earth who knew exactly what it was like to be out there.
"For me, I can see all of the spiders. It reminds me of Iraq. They weren't as big in the woods but I couldn't help but think about it…" She admitted.
"I wish I could talk to Callie about it. She doesn't deserve to be shut out."
Teddy nodded in agreement. "Henry has been trying so hard." She said quietly. We sat in silence for a few moments, each of us unsure of what to say next. "Let's make a deal." Teddy proposed. "I'll talk to Henry, and you'll talk to Callie."
I thought about it for a moment. I felt a lot like an alcoholic, creating a twelve-step programme. One simple step at a time.
But, I also realised that this was a twelve-step programme. Surely, if I followed each step, then we could move past this. And opening up to Callie was the simple step one, and how easy it seemed. I looked over at Teddy, who was also thinking intensely. If I couldn't talk to Callie, then I had Teddy. I paused for a moment before gently taking her hand in mine.
"We'll get past this, right?" I asked her, feeling very much like a child. I was extremely grateful for Teddy in this moment. Growing up, my family had moved around- nearly every eighteen months we relocated to a different state. As soon as I made friends I would have to say goodbye to them, so after a while I had stopped making them at all. Timothy had been my best friend regardless of which state we lived in. When he died, I lost my best friend and it broke me.
"We will. Eventually. We just have to wait it out." She said. "It does suck all of the time though. I just want things to go back to normal."
It was three am and I hadn't caught a minute of sleep. Between the fear of being lulled to sleep and the nightmares that came when I finally did, sleep was not happening.
I glanced at Callie's sleeping figure. Taking up the entire right side of the bed, she had the duvet pulled right up to her chin. She was smiling slightly, which was one of my favourite things in the world. Whenever she slept she always had a smile on her face and it took my breath away. I could barely make out the steady rise and fall of her chest through the grainy darkness.
With a last glance at her I slipped out of bed, being careful not to jostle it too much. I padded out of the room and down the hallway, settling at the island in the kitchen with a freshly poured glass of water.
I knew I needed to move past this. The plane crash had been almost two months ago, and I was still struggling to sleep peacefully. But it wasn't as simple as just 'moving on', though. Trauma couldn't be processed because it didn't make sense with what came before it and what came after it. I had learned that two years ago as I tried to rebuild my life after he ruined it, and I was being firmly reminded of it now.
To rid my mind of all the images, I flipped open my laptop which lay on standby on the counter. It had last been opened on a page displaying elegant images of churches and stretches of land that had beautiful views. Callie and I had been looking at it, debating over whether we wanted a church wedding or not.
It was a good distraction. The image of Callie and I in white dresses, up in front of our family and friends and professing our love for each other made me feel giddy with happiness. Despite the traumatic dark cloud that hung over me, that image never failed to make me happy.
The rest of the kitchen was illuminated as the light from our bedroom flickered on. I sighed, realising that my absence had woken Callie up. I rested my head in my hands, and sighed when I felt her arms wrap around me from behind. She placed a gentle kiss on my neck and I melted into her arms.
"Still can't sleep?" She asked sleepily. God, her sleep filled voice was so sexy.
"I tried, but then I kept thinking about you in a white dress…" I trailed off, spinning around on the stool to face her.
"At three am?"
I sighed and looked down. She knew fine well that wedding details wasn't the reason that I was awake at three am. I stood up and wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her close to me. Her sweet scent of cocoa butter invaded my senses and I breathed it in gladly. Remembering the promise Teddy and I had made, I began talking. "There were animals out there." I said in a quiet, hollow voice that was nearly indistinguishable.
"Hmm?"
"There were animals out there." I repeated, leaning in closer and clinging on to her for dear life. "Fighting over the pilot. And that's all I can hear when I try to sleep."
It was silent for a few moments as Callie processed what I had told her. I screwed my eyes shut to rid the images of the wild animals from my head. I willed to be brought back to reality.
Callie pulled me in closer, stroking my hair lovingly. At some point, I felt tears begin to fall down my face. I wasn't sure if I felt happy or sad or sacred or relieved. But I felt safe. Here in Callie's arms, I was far away from the freezing cold woods. The wolves were miles away from where we stood in a gentle embrace.
"I'm sorry I've been shutting you out." I sobbed, burying my head in her shoulder. "You make me feel safe."
"We'll get through this." She whispered softly. "I love you. And if we need to sleep with the lights on for the rest of our lives, then that's what we'll do. I'm not leaving."
Okay, so. I realise this may not be the best writing-wise, but I have things planned. Big things will happen in the next few chapters….
Happy Existing!