Chapter 6: I Want You

I want you

Yeah I want you

And nothing comes close

To the way that I need you

I wish I can feel your skin

And I want you

From somewhere within

"Erin?"

"Will," she says, a little breathless. Erin realized, too late, that she wasn't prepared for this conversation. Because just by looking at him, she could tell he was angry. A small, but loud, part of her wondered how exactly she was going to manage to talk to Jay, if the thought of talking to his brother scared her shitless.

There were many things Erin wanted to say, but she only managed a weak, "hi."

He stared at her for a few seconds, shock and maybe a hint of anger on his face. "What are you doing here, Erin?"

"You're not gonna invite me in, Will?" The words were soft, teasing, and she hoped to God they softened his anger just a little bit.

From the look on his face, they didn't. In fact, her words seemed to do the exact opposite.

"No, actually, I'm not. You shouldn't even be here, Erin, so why the hell are you?!"

Erin instinctively flinched away from him when he raised his voice, her arms wrapped protectively around her waist, and instantly cursed herself for her reaction.

Will's face softened, but his resolve didn't. He kept his body in the doorway, a hint that she wasn't welcome to come in. It hurt, she wasn't going to lie, but she understood where he was coming from. He was just protecting his brother. And that Will felt like Jay, the only man she's ever loved so completely and openly, needed protection from her, was like a knife to the chest.

"I'm sorry, Erin, I am, but I can't let you see him right now. He's been through a lot, and you being here will only add to the pretty long list of shit he has to deal with, and he doesn't need that." He finished with a helpless shrug and for a second, she smiled, because she was glad Jay had Will in his corner. And the fact that Jay had come to Will? That made her more happy than anything, because that meant Jay was opening up to someone (she ignored the selfish part of her that whispered it should've been me).

She didn't ask about what Will meant by Jay going through a lot, mainly because she knew he wouldn't tell her. But she was worried. A lot. "Is he okay?"

The concern in her voice softened his face even more, the anger melting away into something like sadness, or maybe weariness. "Not right now, no. But I think, I hope, he will be."

She nodded. "Will you tell him I was here? That I want to see him?"

He shook his head and the desperation that overtook her body in that moment was almost too much for her to bear. She clamped her mouth shut and forced down the pleas that were attempting to claw their way out of her. If she was going to leave here empty handed, she'd at least like to maintain her pride, at least where Will was concerned.

"Okay." She took a deep breath, and hugged herself tighter. "Okay."

He pursed his lips. "I'm sorry, Erin," he said softly.

She shook her head slightly. "It's okay. And don't ever apologize for looking after him. I'm glad he had someone when he needed it."

"Are you back for good? Because if not, Erin, then please don't tell him. Just-"

"I'm not going anywhere this time, Will."

There was no part of her that wasn't completely sure of this. She would fight for this, for them, for however long it took.

"Are you sure about that?" It sounded more like a challenge than a question.

She made sure to look him in the eye as she said, with all the conviction she could manage, "I am."

He grinned. "Good. Fix it."

She smiled back at him, though hers was a bit sad, she suspected. "You think I can?"

"I"m not sure, but knowing you, and knowing Jay, I think you've got a solid chance," he assured her. "Not that it'll be easy," he added.

"I hope you're right, Will."

"Me too."

She took a deep breath, let it out slowly and lifted her hand, managing a half-hearted wave in his direction as she said, in a small voice, "bye, Will."

"See ya, Erin."

That gave her a bit of hope.

Her next destination was Hank's house, and she's excited to see him. For the first couple of weeks in New York, a part of Erin (the part that physically ached with how much she missed Jay, even though they hadn't been together when she left), had resented Hank for basically sending her away. She knew, logically, that what he had done was for her own good, that he'd given her an important opportunity. He'd offered her a way out. But that hadn't stopped the rage she felt, and though it took her a while, she figured out that the resentment wasn't directed at Hank, it was directed at herself.

Because she could've handled it better, she could've talked to Jay, said goodbye, before leaving.

She hadn't planned on coming back to Chicago. Not because she didn't want to, but because she thought Jay would never forgive her, and he was the biggest reason she would have contemplated coming back.

But life, as always, threw a curve ball her way, and Erin had done what she had to, to come back.

When he opened the door, Hank looked shocked, like he'd seen a ghost. "Erin? How- what are you doing here?"

"Hi, Hank," she attempted to smile, but from the sadness on his face, and the wobbliness of her voice, she could tell she hadn't been successful.

"Come on in, kid."

He put an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side as they entered the house and headed for the couch in the living room.

"How are you here, kid?"

Erin shrugged. "I didn't want to be there anymore, Hank." She wanted to say more, and he clearly needed more from her, but she wasn't ready to come out and say all that had led her back to Chicago.

He looked at her, disbelief written all over his face. "That's all you're giving me?"

"I hated it, Hank. Being there? It was hell for me. Leaving you, Jay, the unit... It hurt like hell." She took a deep breath, tried to even out her breathing. "I tried so hard to just roll with it, you know? Tried to convince myself that it was a new start for me, but all I could think about was him, and how I left things."

She startled when she felt his hand on her cheek, wiping tears she wasn't aware were running down her eyes. "I get it, kid, believe me. But that's not the only reason you're here, is it?"

She swallowed thickly. "Hank-"

"I won't push you to tell me, but I know you, Erin. You wouldn't have come back just because you missed Jay."

His words cut deep. Their meaning, that Erin didn't care about Jay enough to come back for him made her blood boil. "So now you don't think I love him enough to come back for him?" She snapped at him.

To her surprise, he smiled at her gently. "I know you do. I know you would die for him, and live for him, I know he's it for you, that's never been something I doubted. But, Erin, you let pride rule every single thing that you do. You always need a little nudge to go after what you want."

He was right, she knew that, and she hated it. But what had stopped her from coming back wasn't pride; it was fear. Fear of what might happen to Bunny, what would happen to her career, if she quit the New York job. And what had brought her back was more than a little nudge.

She was startled out of her thoughts by Hank calling her name. "You okay, Erin?"

"Not really," she said, smiling sadly.

"Talk to me, kid, what's going on with you? Are you in trouble?" At the clear concern in his words, her smile turned fond.

"I'm not in trouble, Hank," she assured him. She saw his shoulders relax and she felt guilty for worrying him so much.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and she relished this feeling of comfort. Just being here, with Hank, made breathing a little more easier, the crushing weight of loneliness gone.

She took a deep breath. "Three weeks ago I told Agent Spencer that I decided to quit. She didn't like it, and it took a lot to convince her to let me go, but she did, eventually."

"But?"

"But on one condition, I can never be a cop again."

"You're not upset about that, are you?" Though it was phrased as a question, it sounded a lot more like a statement. She was surprised that he was this calm about this, expected him to fight it.

"Not really, no," she said hesitantly. "It's not that I don't love being a cop, Hank. It's a big part of who I am. It's just that, it's not what it used to be, for me. It's sort of tainted now. And after everything that happened? I don't think I have a place in the unit anymore."

"I get it, kid," he told her softly. But she could tell that there was something he wasn't saying. "But you're not telling me everything."

"No, I'm not," she admitted. Her eyes cast downward, she focused on her clasped hands, not knowing whether or not telling Hank would be a mistake.

"Okay, you don't have to tell me, but you know you can, right?"

"Huh."

"What?"

"You've mellowed out, old man," she said with a chuckle.

He laughed. "Not sure a lot of people would agree with that."

She stared at him, and it struck her, in that moment, that he was the only one in her corner right now. She didn't have a lot of close friends she could talk to, and Jay was out of the question right now. She took a deep breath, braced herself for his reaction, and blurted it out.

"I'm pregnant."

Surprise and a mix of both happiness and sadness took over his features, but he said nothing. Erin thought he was probably trying to process the information. Erin herself still hadn't, and she'd had close to ten weeks to come to terms with the fact that there was a baby growing inside of her. Her baby, and Jay's. It was terrifying, but a part of her was happy, excited even.

"How far along are you?" Hank's voice was soft, and so fond that she almost cried.

"Fifteen weeks."

He blinked in surprise. "Fifteen? Kid, that's- Why did it take you so long to come back?" The question wasn't an accusation, she knew that. But it still irritated her. And she wasn't sure if she'd be able to look into his eyes if she answered honestly. "You weren't planning on coming back." Hank really wasn't pulling any punches tonight.

She swallowed thickly. "I wasn't sure I should. Hell, I wasn't sure I could come back after everything."

"And? What changed?"

She'd thought about raising a kid alone, and it had scared her. Not because she thought she wouldn't be able to do it, but because neither of them would have a support system. This baby, her baby wouldn't know its father, and Jay wouldn't know his kid. And that possibility was so unacceptable to her that it outweighed her fear of the fact that Jay might reject her, might not want anything to do with her.

Hank was still looking at her, still waiting for an answer. She wasn't sure she could put all of her thoughts into words, so she chose the simplest, and the most obvious answer.

"I don't want my kid to grow up like I did. I want him or her to have a family. And that's me and Jay. You, Hank. The unit."

Hank nodded, but didn't say anything, so she took it as a sign to continue. "You know, I accepted the Job for two reasons. The first was because I knew I could never be a cop here, and the other was because I wanted to protect Bunny. But when I found out I was pregnant? None of that mattered, Hank."

He smiled at her, and pulled her into a hug. "I'm so proud of you, kid. You- you're gonna be a great mom. Camille would be so proud of you," he cleared his throat, and she knew, without having to look at his face that he was holding back tears. She buried her face in his chest, and smiled.

"You think so?" The words were muffled, but he must have understood, because she felt him nod, his chin against her head.

"I know so."

She pulled back. "Thank you."

"Welcome home, kiddo"

She chuckled. "I love you. I don't say it enough, but I love you, Hank."

"You too, kid," he said gruffly, pulling her into another hug. She sank into it, and she realized that tonight was the first time she'd been hugged in over two months. So she allowed herself to bask in the comfort Hank's arms provided. In that moment, she knew she'd made the right choice. Because she was happy, and safe and when her baby came into the world, he or she would be, too.

It took her two days to leave Hank's house, mainly because she was afraid she would run into Jay. She was not ready for that. She'd been so impulsive that night, going to Will's without a plan.

She still wasn't sure how to tell him, how to talk to him, after the way they'd left things. She knew one thing, though. She wanted him back, and she would fight for him. And she hoped he wanted her back, too. Her biggest fear right now was the very real possibility that Jay hated her. There were a lot of ways this could turn out wrong, and she'd been thinking about it for so long that she was driving herself crazy.

Apparently, she'd been driving Hank crazy, too, because he all but threw her phone and purse at her and demanded that she go out.

"Where would I go?" She argued.

"I don't know, kid. Just go out, maybe you can call Kim?"

It wasn't a bad idea, really. She'd missed Kim. Erin didn't have many friends, but Kim had been the closest thing to a best friend Erin had.

"That's not a bad idea," she told Hank. "But I can't believe you're kicking me out."

He made a shooing motion with his hands and went to the kitchen. She smiled, grabbed her jacket and snatched Hank's keys from the bowl next to the door.

"I'm taking your car," she shouted on her way out, not waiting for Hank's answer.

...

Sitting in Molly's after being gone for two months was a bit surreal. She'd gotten about a dozen enthusiastic greetings, Herrmann had even told her that all her drinks tonight would be on the house. She didn't have the heart to refuse his offer, so she just thanked him and ordered a beer. She settled in on a the table farthest from the door, her back to the door. Thankfully, no members of the unit were present.

Truthfully, she hadn't wanted to meet at Molly's, but Kim had been so happy that she was back, and Erin had been too distracted by that to think about what her being here, being seen by a lot of people that knew her and Jay would mean. She knew now that she had to go to him herself, before someone beat her to it.

Things, as always, didn't go to plan.

Erin heard the bell chime, signalling the bar door opening, and turned. She expected to see Kim, but instead she saw Jay. The breath whoosshed out of her, and she struggled to form any coherent thoughts. She eagerly took him in, and god, he was beautiful. He hadn't noticed her yet, which allowed her to watch him more closely. He was with Will and Natalie, smiling at them both as they laughed at something. The sight made her happy, though upon a closer look, she could see that he'd lost some weight and that his shoulders were hunched in. He looked tired, and Erin ached with the desire to talk to him, to see for herself how he was doing.

She turned her back to the table he was at and willed herself to think. She pushed the panic aside and tried to come up with the best course of action. She couldn't go up to him, because she didn't want to make things difficult. And if she was honest, she wanted to keep her dignity intact, and that wouldn't be the case if he rejected her in front of all the occupants of Molly's. So it'd be best if she just waited for him to leave and then, she'd either go after him, or go back to Hank's and act like nothing happened. She calmed down considerably once she had a plan, and just then she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Erin!" Kim said enthusiastically, loudly. Erin resisted the urge to shush her and instead stood up and returned the hug Kim pulled her into. Her eyes found Jay, and she was stunned to see that he was looking at her too. He was too far for her to see his expression clearly, but from the way he abruptly stood up and practically ran to the door, she could tell he wasn't all that happy about seeing her.

She pulled away from the hug, and Kim looked at her with concern. "Erin?-"

"Jay!" Will's voice drew a lot of attention, Erin and Kim's included.

Erin was overwhelmed with the need to go after him, and so she looked back to Kim, intending to tell her she was leaving and was met with a soft, encouraging smile.

"Go after him," she told her, reaching around Erin to push her purse into her hands and pushing her in the direction of the door.

Erin didn't waste another second and ran for the door. She wondered if she'd be able to find him with the headstart he'd had, but she was surprised to find him only a few feet away. She broke out into a run, and only stopped when there was a foot of space between them.

"Jay," she called out softly, her heart pounding loudly in her ears.

He either didn't hear her or ignored her, because he kept walking.

"Jay, come on, just hear me out," she pleaded. He continued to walk, though he seemed to curl in on himself, his shoulders hunched and his head down.

Erin ran ahead of Jay and stopped in front of him. He tried to dodge her but she stepped in front of him again.

"Jay, please hear me out."

"No," his face was void of any expression, but his voice broke on that one word.

"Jay," he raised his face skyward, and she almost missed the tear that ran down his cheek. "Jay, I'm so sorry."

"Don't, Erin. Just- Don't, please." He looked anywhere but at her. Erin wanted to hold his face in her hands, to kiss his tears away, but she reminded herself that that wasn't her place anymore.

"Jay, please, we need to talk. Just let me explain."

"No." The words sounded final, and they were like a punch to the gut. She wrapped her arms around her waist, and felt the small baby bump there, and the reminder of what was at stake here renewed her determination.

Jay's actions spoke louder than his words, because he was still standing there, facing her and when he finally, finally looked at her, it took her breath away. There was hurt in the depths of his eyes, but there was also love. He was looking at her now like he looked at her before, like the separation didn't change the way he felt about her. His eyes drank her in, and she opened herself up to him. She hoped he could see how sorry she was for leaving without an explanation, without saying goodbye. She hoped all the love she had for him was as obvious to him as his was to her.

"I'm sorry-"

"Stop saying that," he snapped at her, and suddenly, her Jay was gone. There was no trace of emotion in his voice or his eyes. He turned around and walked away, this time faster than before. She had to run a little to catch up to him, and she worried for a second if that might hurt the baby. She dismissed the thought right away, knowing the worry was irrational. She caught up to him again, and this time she held on to his arm. He yanked it away from her grip and glared at her.

"I don't want to do this, Erin." There was a warning in his words, but she dismissed it. He wouldn't hurt her physically and she was prepared to let whatever hurtful words he said to her slide. Nothing would stop her from getting through to him.

"Do what, Jay? Talk to me? Because that's all I want. I just want to talk, to explain why I left. Please."

He shook his head. "I don't think you can, Erin." He shook his head sadly and she swallowed thickly.

"Jay-"

"You left me. You didn't say goodbye, you just left. Voight wouldn't-" he cut himself off, staring at her accusingly. "I needed you, Erin. These past few weeks have been hell, and you weren't here and I needed you so much."

She felt tears running down her cheeks, but didn't wipe them away, too focused on Jay to do much of anything. "I'm sorry," she repeated uselessly.

"Stop apologizing, Erin."

"Why?" She snapped.

"Because if you keep apologizing, I'm gonna forgive you, and I don't want to do that," he sounded so lost, so empty. Erin was stunned. Because she'd never seen this version of Jay. She'd never seen him so broken.

"I'm not asking you to forgive, not yet. I'm just asking you to listen to me, Jay."

"Why should I? All we do is hurt each other, Erin, you know that."

That made her angry. "That's not true, you don't believe that," she said with all the conviction she could muster.

"How many times do you have to break my heart for you to understand that we're not good for each other?"

She flinched, his words cutting deeper that she anticipated. "You- that is not fair, Jay."

"None of this is fair, Erin. You, coming back now, when I'm starting to come to terms with you leaving, is not fair."

"So, that's it? There's no chance for us?" Her heart broke as she asked him this, but she needed to know where he stood when it came to her, because the next conversation will not not be about them, it'll be about their child. And if he said he didn't want anything to do with her, that he didn't see them getting past this, then that's it for them. Because she wouldn't be able to handle the what ifs, would always wonder if a part of him was with her, not because he wanted to be, but because he felt obligated.

He laughed suddenly, and it broke her out of her thoughts. He sounded hysterical and she was honestly concerned. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

His words surprised her, so much that she actually spluttered. What was that supposed to mean?

"I want to say yes, I want to say that we're done, but I can't, Erin."

She smiled at him, hopeful and excited. "Does that mean-"

"Let me finish, Erin."

She was silent again, and her smile dimmed but listened to him.

"I need to get my shit together before we- You leaving, that hurt like a son of a bitch. And with everything that happened after? I'm not okay right now, I'm not in the right head space. And honestly, I don't think I can trust you not to leave again."

They stared at each other for a few seconds, both unsure of what would happen next. Erin hadn't known what to expect from this conversation, but this wasn't what she imagined. She knew she wanted to be with Jay more than anything, but maybe he couldn't say the same, at least not yet. And she couldn't blame him, because in the course of their relationship, she'd always been the one to leave, and he'd been the one to chase after her. Sure, when they broke up, he'd been the one to leave, but he hadn't disappeared, and before she'd left, he'd been dropping hints about them getting back together. That truth was a bitter pill to swallow.

"I love you, Jay. I'm always going to. I'm not giving up on us, okay? I want you and I want us, and this time I'm staying. I need you to know that, and I need you remember that, okay?" Saying the words was a relief, and she hoped he believed her.

Jay was blinking rapidly, refusing to look at her, and she could tell he was holding back tears.

She moved forward slowly, holding his face in her hands, gently coaxing him into meeting her eyes with his. This, being close to him, looking into those eyes she'd missed, it felt like coming home. "Okay?" She repeated.

He nodded shakily, pursing his lips.

She wanted to leave it at that, she did, but she knew she couldn't leave everything in the air. She wasn't going to tell him about the pregnancy now, not when looked like a breeze would knock him down. But she did need to tell him soon, because it wasn't fair for him to be in the dark any more than he had to.

She sucked in a breath, and lowered her hands from his face, immediately missing the feeling of his skin on hers.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I know you can't trust me right now, and I don't blame you. But there's something I need to talk to you about, and it can't wait, okay?"

He looked at her warily, and after a few seconds he nodded shakily.

"Maybe we could get some coffee tomorrow?"

He shook his head. "Not tomorrow. I have an- a thing. How about the day after tomorrow?"

"Yeah, okay," she agreed eagerly. "Ten a.m. okay with you?"

He nodded. "I have the day off."

"Okay."

He looked at her like she was a dream, a hallucination, like she wasn't real. "Okay."

...,...

Erin spent the time leading up to their not-date practicing how to tell him the news. The internet didn't help, mainly because the ideas were for happy couples and they weren't there yet (thought she did buy the cute yellow onesies that had "Hi Daddy" printed on them in loopy font).

On the day she was supposed to meet Jay, Erin woke up at six a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. She made breakfast, though she ate very little of it and laid down on the living room couch to watch some cartoons, just to pass the time. When it was 8:30 a.m., she dragged herself up to her bedroom and started getting ready. She'd already decided what she was going to wear, so she took her time undressing and dressing. She loved this black, long sleeved cashmere dress. It was flowy and it hid her bump perfectly, and most importantly, it was comfortable. Ever since the little bump showed up, her jeans had started becoming unconformable, and since she hadn't been able to go shopping yet, her flowy dresses, leggings and baggy sweaters had become her style.

She didn't put on much make up, but she did apply some nude lipstick and mascara. She combed her fingers through her hair, and took one last look at herself in the mirror before she climbed down the stairs.

Hank was waiting for her by the door, keys in his hands. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Once she reached him, he put the keys in her hand and kissed her forehead. "It's gonna be okay, kid."

"I hope so. Thank you, Hank." She squeezed his hand gratefully and hugged him. "Love you," she mumbled.

"Love you too, kid. Now go get him."

She smiled. "Fingers crossed."

...,...

Erin sees Jay before he sees her. She takes a deep breath, then makes her way to their table, which was close to the floor-to-ceiling windows. She had to force herself to keep walking instead of stopping in her tracks to stare dumbly at him. He was looking out of the window, lost in thought. His elbows were resting on the table, hands clasped together tightly. He was wearing a dark blue, long sleeved shirt, his jacket on the back of his chair. And he was beautiful, so beautiful it took her breath away.

When she got to the table, she realized that Jay hadn't noticed her. She cleared her throat delicately, and his head snapped toward her. He made to get up, but she waved him away and sat in the chair opposite his.

"Hi," she said, her voice was raspy, but low. She smiled at him and he smiled back. His smile was polite, if a little artificial.

"Hey, Erin." When he said the words like that, clipped and a little robotic, She tried to keep the disappointment at bay, but she probably wasn't successful.

Erin wasn't naive enough to think that everything was magically fixed when they talked that night. But she had been hopeful. Jay seemed like he was facing a firing squad. Hell, maybe he'd rather be facing one than to be here with Erin.

That needed to change.

"How are you?"

"I'm alright."

"Yeah, you look it." Her words were teasing, gentle, but he didn't take them for what they were. Instead of easing the tension, they seemed to intensify it.

His smile was bitter. "Yeah, well, it's been a rough couple of months."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking down at her hands.

"Not your fault," he said stiffly. She smiled sadly and shook her head. Even when he was mad at her, he was still defending her.

"What?" He was a bit defensive and more than a little serious.

"Nothing," she said as she continued to smile at him. "You gotta admit, though, Jay. Some of it was my fault."

He said nothing, and that was answer enough. She honestly could not tell where they should go from here. She didn't know how to steer the conversation to her pregnancy.

Erin was, to put it simply, terrified of his reaction to the news. She was so goddamn scared that he wouldn't want this baby. In all the time they'd been together, kids were never discussed. She didn't know if Jay wanted kids, if he even liked them.

"How long are you here for?"

The question took her off guard. Did he really think she was going to leave again?

"Indefinitely." What she wanted to say, though, was 'as long as you'll have me'.

He raised an eyebrow. "What about your job? I mean, I know next to nothing about it, but I do know you got a job in New York, Voight told me as much."

"I quit." She watched him closely for his reaction, and she would have laughed at his expression, wide eyes and mouth hung open, if she wasn't so damn scared of what she was going to tell him, as soon as she found an opening.

"Why?"

And there it was. Her opening, staring her right in the face. She didn't take it. She couldn't get her mouth to open, and when she did, the words wouldn't come out. To her horror, her eyes stung with the burn of tears, and a few fell down her cheeks. She wiped them away hastily, knowing that he hated seeing her cry.

"Erin? Are you okay?" His left hand came to rest against her clasped hands, gentle and hesitant, and that only made her cry harder. She decided to blame the crying on the pregnancy hormones.

"Erin, you're scaring me. Why are you crying?"

She wanted to answer, but she couldn't, so she didn't. His hand left hers, and for a second, she thought he was going to leave. But then, she heard the sound of a chair scraping against the floor, and a few seconds later, she felt his arms wrapped around her. It was a bit awkward, her side pressed into his and her face tucked into the space between his shoulder and neck, but it also felt like home. He felt like home.

"Hey, why are you crying, ?" Jay murmured, his tone so different from the one he'd used with her up until now. She felt guilty, like she was manipulating him, even though she knew it was ridiculous. It wasn't like she'd planned on crying in the middle of their conversation.

"Jay, I'm pregnant." Saying the words, out loud, to him, felt like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. It took a second, but then, his whole body froze. His hand stopped its soothing movement on her back, his muscles tensed, and Erin was pretty sure he'd stopped breathing.

She pulled away reluctantly, and he let her, his arms falling uselessly to his side. He was gaping at her, eyes so wide she was afraid they we're gonna pop out of his skull, then he opened his mouth, and he stuttered. She didn't think she'd ever seen him stutter before. "Jay? Did you hear me?" He couldn't not have, but she needed to say something.

He nodded once, then twice, then a third time, and when it seemed like he wasn't going to stop, she put a hand on his cheek, stilling his movements. "Say something?"

"I- it's..." He cleared his throat, took a deep breath and finally seemed to be capable of forming a sentence. "It's mine, right? You wouldn't be here if it weren't."

She nodded. "It's yours, Jay. The baby is yours."

"A baby," he whispered. There was awe in his voice, mixed with a little apprehensiveness.

Erin relaxed. He wasn't leaving, he wasn't angry at her, and he even seemed a little Happy. She understood his uneasiness, she did. This wasn't exactly the best time for a baby. They, both as individuals, and a unit, weren't exactly ready for a baby. She'd just uprooted her life, again, and she didn't have a house or an apartment. Jay seemed to be battling some pretty impressive demons, ones Erin knew nothing about. And as for their relationship, well, Erin wasn't sure if there was one. Sure, he hadn't completely written them off, but that didn't mean things would be fixed, that he'd be able to get past what she'd put him through.

"Yeah."

"How far along are you?"

"Fifteen weeks," she answered eagerly, beyond happy that he was still here, asking questions and being interested.

"Fifteen weeks? That's- that's a lot. When did you find out?"

Her blood turned cold and she looked at the table top, for the first time breaking eye contact. "A week after I got to New York."

He reeled back as if she'd slapped him. "A week? That's- that was eight weeks ago, Erin. You- you kept this, our baby, from me, for two months?"

"I'm sorry, but please just let me explain? Please, Jay," she pleaded, her hand grasping his tightly.

"I don't think you can, Erin."

'This is it', she thought numbly. But then she looked at him, and she could see in his eyes that he wanted her to fight him on this, to fight for them, so she did.

"I can. You might not think I had a good reason, but, Jay, I promise you, I did." He took his hand out of hers, but otherwise didn't move to get up, so she took it as a good sign.

"When I got the job offer in New York, I took it so that Bunny wouldn't be arrested. But, that wasn't the only reason. Jay, I was never gonna be a cop here after what I did, we both know that. And being a cop? That's what I'm good at. I had nothing else, back then."

"You had me," Jay whispered. He looked heartbroken, and there was nothing she wanted to do more than wrap him in her arms and apologize over and over again. "You've always had me, even when you thought you didn't."

She blinked back tears, and smiled sadly at him. "I should've known that, but I wasn't thinking straight, Jay. You have to understand that."

"So why didn't you say goodbye, then?" He asked accusingly.

"You think I would've been able to leave if I had done that? The closest I got to a goodbye was when I gave you the lead on that driver, and that nearly destroyed me."

Jay was shaking his head before she got the last word out. "I should've seen it."

"Jay, there was no way you could have. It was a shitty situation, and I didn't handle it the way I should've, but I did the best I could."

He wasn't convinced, she could tell, but he didn't say anything. He just looked at her, his eyes roamed her face, and slowly descend until they reached her stomach. His eyes softened, and he smiled softly. His eyes found their way back to her face, and the way he was looking at her changed. It was tender, and a but longing and Erin fought hard not to blush, but from the heat she could feel in her face, she hadn't succeeded.

"You look beautiful."

She laughed softly, shaking her head at him. "Thank you."

They were enveloped in another silence, but this time it was comfortable. He continued to look at her, and she kept alternating between looking at him and looking at her hands. His question, when it came, startled her.

"Eight weeks, Erin. Why didn't you tell me?"

She sighed. "I don't know. I kept going back and forth on it. I think I was scared that you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I didn't know whether you'd want a baby or not. I guess I didn't want to force you into something you might not want." Laying it all out like that made her feel uncomfortably vulnerable, but it also felt good to be able to tell him how she felt. It was something she'd promised herself to do more often, if he agreed to give their relationship another chance.

"I don't know what to say to that, Erin. I get where you're coming from, I do. But, it still hurt. And I honestly don't know where to go from here."

Erin was exhausted. She wasn't used to talking things out like that, not really. They'd come close, but they were never this open with each other. It made her happy, of course, but it was also draining. She didn't know what to tell him, and try as she might, she couldn't get a clear read on him.

"Did you go to a doctor? Are you and the baby doing okay?"

The change in subject stunned her for a bit, but she welcomed the reprieve it gave her. "We're both okay. My last appointment was about three weeks ago, and the doc told me everything is good." He grinned at her, boyish and almost carefree, and she decided not to broach the subject of their relationship again, at least not today. Suddenly, an overwhelming desire to hear his laugh over took her, and she wracked her brain for something that would cause that reaction. It came to her a few seconds later, and she grinned widely.

"You know, according to Google, our baby is the size of an apple now. Next week she'll be an avocado."

He chuckled, then froze. "She? It's a girl? I thought it'd be too early to tell!"

"It is." She reassured him. "I just have a hunch."

He rolled his eyes. "You and your hunches. I bet it's a boy."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "You sure you wanna take that bet, Jay?"

"I am."

"Fine. Five, ten bucks?"

"Twenty."

"Alright. You got it."

They shook on it, then looked at each other for a minute, before they burst out laughing. Their laughter died down, and they sat in comfortable silence, taking each other in.

"There are a lot of things we need to talk about, Erin."

She nodded, then smiled at him. "I know. And we will."

"I'm willing to try if you are," he told her hesitantly, as if he was unsure if that was the right thing to say, as if after everything, he still wasn't sure she wanted to be with him. Stupid boy, didn't he know that he was one of the main reasons she'd come back? Didn't he know that he was the love of her life?

"You know that I am."

He nodded. "It's gonna take some time, you know. We'll have to take it slow, do it right this time."

"Jay, I'm all in," she assured him, and the smile that lit up his face was the most beautiful thing she'd ever laid eyes on.

"Okay." He took a deep breath, smiled at her and asked," Erin Lindsay, will you go on a date with me?"

She smiled giddily and nodded.

"Yes."

I'm very sorry for the long wait, but I've just been so busy and this chapter would not come out right. I really hope you guys enjoyed this!

A big big Thank you to lelema, Diana, daisy16081994, SoFeelingTheLove, Ghostwriter, Brenda Burn, catchmeinwonderland, Linsteadforever, Bluejay141519 and the Guests, for taking the time to review. Your words mean the world to me!

Next chapter will be from Jay's POV, and it'll deal with their issues both as individuals and a couple. and there will be a lot of (hopefully) cute scenes with their kid and other characters! I don't know when I'll be posting, but hopefully it won't won't take me another 2 months(?), lol.

Let me know how you guys liked this chapter.