Author's Note: This is the chapter that changed the rating. Be warned: it's so detailed at times I cried a little at how long it took to write certain parts, and how slow it seemed to be progressing, but I apologize for nothing. Not even the length of this chapter. I would like to thank ImplicationsProblematic, Ms Sticha, and Dumbleduck for following. Enjoy the story!
What was he supposed to be doing? He couldn't quite remember but he figured that it wasn't really that important, otherwise someone would have started yelling at him by now. But... Then again they'd just mutinied and stole a top of the line warship. Everyone had been given the opportunity to walk off before they left and none had. The entire crew of the Normandy was behind Shepard on this endeavor, and it was damn impressive that she had been able to inspire such loyalty.
They had just gone through the mass relay when he saw the message on his omni-tool. He smiled, since she was on the deck above him, and could just as easily have come to see him face to face.
CS: Can I talk with you? Off the record?
KA: Of course.
He paused, and then sent another message.
KA: Where do you want to talk?
CS: In my quarters.
There was another pause, and he assumed correct in thinking she had more to add.
CS: I might need a few minutes to clear my head.
KA: Take your time. But if I don't hear from you in half an hour, I'll come in myself.
CS: Fair enough. Thanks.
He rubbed at the back of his neck, feeling a migraine coming on. Kaidan didn't really want to deal with this now, so he thought he might as well go take something before it really became a problem. Chakwas never seemed surprised to see him, and always greeted him with a smile. She was an amazing doctor and he appreciated that she cared so much for the crew. He stayed to talk with her for a few minutes, since he hadn't really done so for a few months.
"You don't need to stay and talk with me, Kaidan." she said as she sat down at the console.
"I know, but I figured that with all you've done for me it's the least I can do." He leaned against one of the cots, slowly sipping on the water he'd been given with the special medication to help prevent his migraines. It usually worked, and when it didn't he simply had a headache that was considerably more pleasant to work with.
"I'm glad you've been taking care of yourself." she chuckled, "Jeff has me running after him with all his medication, it's more of a hassle than it should be."
"Why am I not surprised to hear that about him?"
"He's always been trouble. At least he doesn't make any in situations like these."
"What do you mean by that?" he could feel his eyebrows knitting together with confusion, and he watched as Chakwas sighed, turning in her chair to face him.
"Everyone is so tense right now. Not just because we've stolen the Normandy, but because of what's ahead for us. I don't doubt that's what started to trigger your migraine just now." she turned back to the console. "I suggest you find some way to relax, I don't doubt Catherine will want you at her side when the fighting comes. You two work well together."
"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." He said, pushing off the cot and walking out of the room. On his way he tossed the cup into the garbage, and then went to find something to do for the next twenty minutes. Most of it was spent simply walking around, before he saw one of the screens flickering over in the corner, yet again. He sighed and went over to work on it, finding that it was a simple fix that ate up the remaining time. And with no message from Catherine, he was at ease allowing himself into the room.
It was fairly dark, like some of the lights were missing, but he could see she was sitting at her desk, zoned out. Catherine almost looked peaceful in that state, and he stepped in just enough so that the door would shut behind him.
"Commander," he said, out of habit, a large, uncomfortable lump in his chest now starting to form. She snapped out of it, and glanced over her shoulder to look at him. She smiled with just the corners of her mouth, and stood up.
"You... really shouldn't be in here." she said, looking to the side as she leaned against her desk, hands gripping the edge of it rather tight. Her eyes were downcast, and she looked... She was scared.
"Are you okay?" he walked closer, lowering his voice.
"No, Kaidan. I'm... I'm really not okay. I'm not okay with... this." she nervously laughed, shaking her head and looking up at him. She was still smiling.
"What aren't you okay with? The fact that we mutinied, stole a ship... I guess technically kidnapped some people..?" He was glad he got a laugh out of her and that her shoulders sank. He watched as her eyes closed. The smile on her face faded a bit.
"None of that." she said softly, pausing for a bit. "I guess I'm scared about not knowing how this is going to end up, you know?"
"I know. It's scary, but we'll get through this. No one else could have made it this far, and I don't intend on stopping now." he stepped forward again and reached out to touch her arm, just below her shoulder. That made her eyes open, and her head lifted in surprise. He smiled, changing the topic. "You know, I almost got a migraine a little bit ago. I went to go talk with Chakwas, and you know what she told me?" he lowered his hand a bit, to her elbow, half aware of what he was doing.
"What?"
"She told me I should find a way to relax. And I doubt that I'm under more stress than you are at the moment, so maybe..." He paused and let out a heavy sigh, shrugging his shoulders as his arm ached to wrap around her - it was so close - "Maybe you need to relax, too. Whatever that means to you."
"You know what I love the most about being around you?" she started, almost as soon as he had stopped, "I never have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or being a little bit selfish, because you seem to understand that I need a break, too." Her eyes were darting between his and her voice wasn't as steady as it usually was. He was then aware that she'd stood up straight, away from her desk, and that she wasn't even an inch away from him.
"And you've never made me feel like an absolute monster for what I've done in my past... You make me feel... Human." he replied, getting closer to admitting something he'd been fearing he might say too soon.
She had the most beautiful green eyes. He'd seen her go through so much in such a short amount of time. Her eyes gave away that fact, and still managed to be beautiful when she was at her most vulnerable. How was she holding herself together? How was she not cracking under all this pressure placed on her small shoulders? He felt a chill run over his shoulder where her hand was and he just couldn't take it anymore. She deserved at least a few hours of absolute ignorance, and Kaidan was willing to do anything to keep a smile on her face. If she wanted to talk, he would talk. If she just wanted to sit in the room with him, he'd be fine with that, too. Maybe he just wanted to be with her right now-
"Stay here with me tonight." she whispered, cutting through his thoughts. They both locked their eyes, and remained still and quiet. Both of his arms slowly snaked around her body when he thought about what she said, closing that tiny gap between their bodies. He already knew the answer.
"Are you sure about that?"
"I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't thought about it and been sure."
He saw her eyes flit down his face for a split second before they met his eyes again, and he smiled a little.
"Then I'll stay." he said, as though it were nothing. As though he weren't about to break every damn reg in a few minutes.
God, her lips were soft. That lump in his chest was gone, and now he could only feel the bliss of being relieved of that tension that had been building up between them for so long. Yet, all he could think about was how soft she was, and how much he wanted to make her happy. He took half a step back and she willingly followed. He continued to slowly walk back, allowing her to take her time following him until he was sure the bed was behind him. Then he gave pause, letting her decide what would happen next. She was the one to part their lips, and when he saw her eyes open he didn't regret a thing since walking in here. She was smiling again.
"You can sit down, if you want." she said, giving him a gentle, teasing push. He sat on the edge of the bed, some how expecting that she would sit beside him. And all he wanted was to have his body touching hers again. But she bent over, unlacing her boots, and he decided that he might as well do the same. Once their feet were free, he glanced over to her, noticing she seemed to be a little lost as to what she should do next.
It then occurred to Kaidan that maybe she wasn't always the type to take charge, or know exactly what to do in every situation. He decided that experimenting on that couldn't hurt too much, and once she sat down beside him, facing him a bit, he leaned over as his hand grazed her spine to plant his lips on her neck to keep that momentum of the kiss. Her neck turned to the opposite shoulder and he swore he heard a small hum escape her. Little by little, he eased her onto her back, and moved his own body carefully so that she was laying flat beneath him.
To be safe, he returned his lips to hers in that time, glad to feel her arms wrapping around his frame, holding him as she returned the kiss, parting her lips a little bit this time. He couldn't care less about where they were or what they were doing right now. Kaidan was no longer with Commander Shepard in her quarters. Right now, he was with Catherine, and they were both enjoying each other's company in a room she slept in. He didn't want to mess this up with her now that he'd been given a chance with her. She deserved something to go right, for once. So for the next ten minutes he was content to ease her into this, give her time to change her mind if she didn't want this. He wouldn't mind just laying there and holding her hand, like the other night, if that's what she wanted.
Kaidan gave a gentle tug upwards on her uniform to untuck her shirt, pausing his kiss and pulling away just a few inches to look her in the eye for an answer. She let her hand graze over his shirt before giving an equal tug on it, just as she gently brought her face back towards his, the bridge of her nose brushing against his before their lips met again. She might not have been smiling anymore but the look in her eyes told him she wanted to forget all that pressure for a while. He kissed her jaw and wrapped one arm around her back, rolling first to his side, then his back before he sat up, letting her situate herself comfortably on his lap - straddling him and now taking charge in a more passionate kiss.
When his shirt was finally free from being tucked in so neatly, she didn't hesitate to throw both hands under his shirt against his warm skin, sliding them up his chest as she pulled up the shirt. Right then, he decided that he loved having her hands on his body, and that he'd do anything to make sure this happened again. He could only focus on one thing at a time right now, so he froze his movements except when she nudged him out of the shirt, tossing it aside. He could hear the cloth piling on itself as it hit the floor, and he could feel the cold of the room making his back feel tight for a moment. Her hands rested on his shoulders and she stood on her knees now, breaking the kiss to take off her own shirt, throwing it on top of his.
Kaidan felt like he should have been staring at her lack of a shirt, but the sudden weight made him topple backwards with a smirk. Catherine had pushed him down and she slowly bent down from kneeling over him to pin him beneath her. Kaidan caught her eyes and she smirked at him, eagerly moving back in and leaning heavily on her arms, barely allowing contact between their skin besides their lips. His mouth was starting to feel a little dry, but he quickly forgot that as he felt a rather welcome friction just below his belt. He tried to stifle the groan in his throat, but it made its way out, regardless of his efforts. All of a sudden he was starting to feel like he was a teenager again, and he had snuck Catherine into his room without his parents knowing. It wasn't a terrible feeling, just a feeling he hadn't really experienced for a long time. But he let himself get lost in it, aware that she'd pulled her lips away moments later.
When he came back to what was going on right now, she already had belt unbuckled and she was smirking a bit at him, her palms over her hips, but her hands disappearing beneath the pants she was wearing, ready to push them down fully. He cleared his throat, fighting the blush he could feel creeping on his face, realizing she'd probably been sitting like that for a few seconds. Kaidan propped himself up on his elbows as he looked over her a bit.
"Need some help with that?"
"Maybe... I was just curious to see how distracted you were." she smiled and put her hands on either side of his face. Now he was starting to feel light-headed from the lack of air, so he purposely tried not to put as much into this kiss as the others, slowly unbuckling his own belt and doing his best not to seem surprised when a second pair of hands joined his and were quick to pull his pants down to his knees.
This whole time, he'd been thinking about so many things. He needed to stop and just be in the moment, lest he zone out on her again. When she took a break to breathe, putting her mouth to his neck this time, he let out a few sighs of approval, effectively clearing his mind in the process. He sat upright again and managed to kick his pants off onto the floor. She was upright again, and he was unable to help himself to planting a few kisses just along the bottom of her bra, his hands finding her hips and pulling her closer as they slid beneath her pants to gently slide them off. She let out a hum of approval and once the material was past her knees, she carefully maneuvered to pull her legs out. Catherine was very steady as she lowered herself to sit once more, allowing him to leave a trail with his lips up to her jaw. He could faintly smell something other than the sterile ship, and it was just enough to pique his interest, though only briefly.
Kaidan had a pair of boxers on, but he felt like the room was getting uncomfortably hot. And with how smoothly everything was going, it would be just his luck if she suddenly told him she'd reached the limits of what she was willing to do. He prayed that he could have just one exception to his luck this one time. He pulled his mouth away so he could breathe, and he felt her shifting to the side. His arms wrapped around her tightly and he moved with her to lay on their sides. He felt small, cold fingers touch his side and then slide up his back as she pulled herself against him. They didn't kiss this time. She closed her eyes and caught her breath from all the kissing, letting it fall on his neck, shoulder, and parts of his chest. A small break, then.
"Kaidan..." he hardly recognized her voice, it was so soft.
"Hm?"
"I should have damned the regs sooner." she grinned, lightly brushing her fingers over his neck, over his implant. The shock made them both shiver, and she let her arm become a dead weight around him.
"I don't know... I think this way is better." he tilted his head to look at her as confusion spread across her face, mixed with a little amusement.
"How do you mean?"
"It's that whole 'forbidden fruit' idea, I think. We're already doing something we're not supposed to, so why not say to hell with all of it?" he smiled when she did and leaned over, yet again, to kiss her. He just could not seem to get enough of her.
It deepend quickly and the heat was back. Catherine's hands were on his face as she pushed him on his back. His hands ghosted over the backs of her legs, exploring her body slowly. Kaidan had yet to take the time to really appreciate her but the time would come.
"I feel like don't need to ask this... but I'm going to, anyway..." she said between kisses, pulling away for just a second to look him in the eye as one hand was flat against his chest, right over his pounding heart, "You'll still be at my side at the end of this, right?"
He smiled at her for asking such a stupid question, and then gripped her chin between his thumb and forefinger, making extra sure that he looked her in the eye.
"I'll be at your side no matter what happens. Never doubt that."
"Then I'm making you commit to that." she smirked as she gently hooked one finger under the elastic band of his boxers. He gave her one gentle kiss before removing her hand, perfectly capable of doing that himself. Leave it to Catherine to ruin such an intimate moment. She sat back and moved both hands behind her own back, letting the offending garment fall between them. Kaidan gave a little laugh at her but did as she silently asked him, no longer feeling nervous. They both crawled further onto the bed, and now that she had absolutely nothing on, he watching intently as she smiled back to him, creeping closer. Her muscles grew taut, and then gave as she did more of the literal crawling. If he hadn't felt his chest thumping, he might have thought this was all a dream. When she was close, he brought his hand to the back of her head, almost forcing her to bring her lips back to his. She paused and he used the opportunity to get off his back, rolling her over for what he hoped would be the last time tonight.
He looked in her eyes and saw the same look he'd seen earlier: fear. Catherine wasn't giving him that look because he was there; no, that look was because she'd suddenly remembered what was at stake here - what she could lose in an instant. They might not have been close enough to call any of this love, but there was definitely a bond that would never break, despite any of the universe's efforts. Her eyes became very glossy and he barely heard her whimper his name as she reached for him, burying her face in his neck just as he entered her. She let out a muffled moan and her nails dug into the skin on his back. For a few hours he could remind her it was okay to show her emotions around him. They could trust each other.
"Don't leave me." she whimpered softly. It was something he'd never heard before from her, and it brought a terrible pain to the forefront of his mind. His arms ran tighter around her.
"I'm not going anywhere."
He was going to stay with her through the night, and through the battle. Slowly, she was able to detach her face from his neck, though by now she was letting out soft moans with each thrust he gave into her. Beneath him, she was able to let the ball of stress completely unwind itself, and Kaidan could see just how long she had deprived herself from relaxing. She was able to look him in the eye, and she gave him a small smile before grabbing him by the neck to pull him down in another kiss, which only lasted a few seconds, due to their sudden need for air. Her hips slowly began rolling to meet each thrust, and he groaned softly each time she did meet him. In fact it was threatening to push him over the edge much sooner than he'd have liked. Catherine's nails were soon digging deeper into his back, causing him to groan louder.
"Kaidan-" Catherine started, her voice high and strained. She'd cut herself off by the sound of her own pleasure. He held her hip and lifted it a little, glad that she repeated the sound, throwing her head to the side with her eyes shut and her mouth hanging open for a split second. After that, she bit her lip, grabbing his hand and holding it very tight. He could tell that she was beginning to build to her climax when she began clawing at his back. He could feel her breaking the skin and it made him drive into her harder. Kaidan gave a low, muffled groan as his head fell onto her shoulder. He'd tried holding himself back for her, and she was so close. As he rode out his orgasm he gave a few sharper thrusts, glad that she went rigid, and melted completely just seconds later with a loud cry.
He kissed her neck, and when she all her limbs laid flat again, he rolled to her side, keeping his arms around her. She gave a soft hum and turned towards him, nestling her head into his chest. Eventually, she turned on to her side and brought her hand to rest on his cheek. He felt like he should say something to her, but all he could manage was taking her hand from his face, kissing her palm, and then giving her hand a gentle squeeze as he laid their hands between them. For a while, they both laid there in silence, eyes closed. He thought he might fall asleep, or that she would; suddenly, her voice cut through the silence, and his hand was empty.
"You'd better keep your word." Catherine's voice was soft and light. He felt the warmth of her hand on his chest, gently pushing him onto his back. Cracking his eyes, he saw she was sitting up a little. Taking the opportunity to hold her, he gently grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to lay on top of him.
"I don't make promises I know I can't keep." He smiled when she hummed again in approval. Before she nestled around him, she grabbed the blanket that had been kicked to the side from the start, pulling it over herself, and then smoothing it to cover him as well. She'd settled against his side, throwing one leg over him while her cheek laid warmly against his chest, the rest of her head comfortable in the crook of his arm which held her where she was. Catherine's arm stretched across his body, letting her hand curl back to hug him loosely. Kaidan comfortably buried his nose into her hair, kissing the top of her head as she quickly fell asleep. The warmth made him drowsy, and it took him a little longer to let himself fall asleep. But when he did, he heard a faint murmur coming from Catherine that sounded like his name.
He decided he liked this.