Author's Note: I'd like to thank Starbuckathena for following. I apologize in advance for any sniffles, or tears. The italics will indicate past events.

It all happened so fast. It wasn't fair, the time went too fast. They were almost half way done with their tour, and now it was too late. Kaidan was listening to the yelling from the last escape pod, and it was tearing him apart. He was furious at Joker for letting her get away, but there wasn't much he'd have been able to do in the first place. Catherine always did her own thing.

It had been a week after they'd left the Citadel, and Kaidan was still trying to adjust to the fact that everyone knew he and Catherine had a thing going on. It was awkward, but at least the open displays of affection weren't going to get them in trouble, now. Nearly everyone had stated that they would gladly lie about the fraternizing if asked about it, solely because they all believed the two deserved some slack. They'd hardly been hiding the fact that they spent time together after dinner, as well. Sometimes it was a drink, and sometimes Kaidan would have to be sure his uniform was back on straight.

"Kaidan, don't go." she whined softly. Her pale skin was a stark contrast to the black sheets on her bed, and her red hair seemed especially luminescent at the moment. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, reaching for his clothes when he looking over his shoulder just as she sat up. She'd clutched the blanket up over her to keep herself a little decent, and he smirked a little at how cute that was.

"You know I shouldn't stay in here."

"There are a lot of things that you and I have done that we really shouldn't have..." she rolled her eyes, "Or do I need to remind you about the past hour and a half?"

"What can I say? It's hard to refuse you." he sat up, and sighed. He was going to have a killer migraine tomorrow unless he got a good night's rest. And the bed was comfortable...

He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and glanced over again as he saw her sit up, forgetting the blanket.

"Your back looks really tense."

"That's because it is." he half-groaned as she applied just the right amount of pressure. He let her run her hands all over his back well after the tension had melted away. He hadn't noticed his eyes had closed in that time.

"I doubt if anyone noticed that they would expect anything less, Kaidan." she said softly as her arms wrapped around his neck, and she spoke in his ear. "It's just one night. You had a rough day."

He did have a rough day, she was right. He'd pushed his biotics nearly to the point he was worried he might lose control of them. The fighting hadn't been the worst part, though. He'd gotten word from home that his mother had gone to the hospital from slipping down the stairs. She'd broken her hip, and hit her head hard enough that she was in a coma. Catherine had been nearby when he'd taken the call, and afterwards, she'd taken a great deal of time talking with him. She'd told him that if he felt like he needed to go home, she wouldn't hold it against him.

"Duty first, that's me." he chastised himself mentally. It had been half an hour, and the escape pods had just reached the surface of Alchera. They were all within a good 3 mile radius of each other, and as each reported in, it was becoming clearer who hadn't made it.

"Kaidan, we need to locate Jeff." Chakwas put a hand on his shoulder. "If he has any injuries they'll need to be tended to immediately."

"We'll find him." Kaidan said, trying to push back the guilt he felt as he opened up his omni-tool. "Let me know when you're ready."

"See, I told you it wasn't going to be that bad." she laughed, sitting in his lap. They were on vid call with Garrus in the mess hall, and she had planted herself firmly on his lap as the turian picked up the call. Just so that Kaidan couldn't argue with her.

"That's just because you put me through hell." the turian laughed back, then sighing. "Can't say this has been as smooth for my parents. I get calls every other day and half the time it ends with my parents arguing, and so I just hang up."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"At least I know if you call I don't have to be prepared to take a side."

"And do you know why?" she grinned.

"Your side is the only side, Cathrine." Kaidan chimed in, mostly an observer in the call.

"Precisely." she grinned, turning back and kissing his temple. A noise came from Garrus' end, and they both glanced over.

"You two are going to make me sick." he teased.

"Do you want me to find you a nice pretty girl, Garrus?" she returned.

"No thanks." he quipped, glancing to the side. "I've got plenty of other things to worry about without some girl being thrown in."

"Aw, don't be like that, Garrus. Otherwise you'll end up like Wrex: old, grumpy, and alone."

"I'll end up two of those things regardless, I'm sure." Kaidan thought he could see a smile on Garrus' face. Catherine was naturally better at picking up on turian facial expressions compared to most. He'd have to ask about it later. "Anyway, I should get going. Lots to do tomorrow."

"Alright. Let me know how things are going at the end of the week." she beamed.

"I'm not about to suddenly forget to check in on my closest friends."

They'd said their goodbyes, and Catherine leaned back against him, some, sighing. Without thinking, he reached up to push some of the hair from her face, and she looked at him with a smile.

"What?"

"Can't believe you weren't already snatched up by someone." she murmured, leaning over to give him a very soft, tender kiss. Soon, her lips were parted from his. "Come on. We should get some sleep, too."

Kaidan didn't want to admit it but he was in tears by the time he and Chakwas had hiked in the snow for a solid fifteen minutes to Joker's pod. He saw that he's have to pry the doors open. He bent them out of shape with his biotics after Joker had his breather mask on, angry. He'd crush the man if he had purposely let her go.

But that anger melted the second he saw the bruising on the man's arms as he held his head in his hands. Their eyes met, and they were just as red, if not more.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'm... I'm so sorry... I couldn't..." he trailed off, shaking as Chakwas came over. It was silent, and Kaidan struggled.

His mouth wasn't dry, but it felt like it was numb to the point it was useless. He couldn't think of the right words to fit how he felt, or what he should say in the situation. For a split second, Kaidan wasn't in his body, but watching over himself.

"You tried." came out eventually, in a hoarse voice that was as full of sorrow as the other man's voice.

"Come on, let's get him to the other pod with the others." Chakwas stood up, putting one arm around Jeff to help him stand. Kaidan took the other side and they began to walk.

"Shepard!"

Catherine caught the wall before she went flying away, and glanced at the panel. Another burst of energy sent her flying off. Before she was too far, she stretched her limb to press the button, glad that she saw the escape pod launch off before she got thrown against the Normandy.

"Shepard you dumbass!"

"Jeff, you gotta look after everyone!" she choked out with tears. She knew she wasn't going to make it through this. "Please!"

"You know me, I'm bad with people. That's why they put you in charge."

She felt cold seeping in, and the computer in her suit told her that her oxygen was running low.

"So," she thought, "this is how I'm going to die."

"Don't let anyone tell you that you can't fly. You're the best damn pilot." she said, feeling lightheaded and starting the struggle for breath. Her fingers and toes were already numb, and she was shaking too hard to be able to effectively plug the leak in her oxygen tank. Suddenly the radio popped in her ear - they were too far away for close-range. The Normandy's computer was fried.

Catherine was alone.

She squeezed her eyes shut as her tears began freezing to her skin. Her chest was burning for oxygen and no matter how hard she gasped, nothing was helping. She couldn't feel her body, except for the pain all over. She felt herself slipping rapidly. It had only been 40 days into the tour. 5 days from shore leave. 5 days from the next chance to indulge fully in Kaidan once more.

"Kai..."

"Kaidan. Wake up."

He shot up in his bed, covered in sweat with tears running down his face. He was being haunted by her every night and it was becoming near impossible to sleep. They were supposed to be on Horizon, right now, on shore leave. But instead he was on the Citadel, waiting for her funeral and for further orders.

He threw back his bed sheet and walked out of the room to the kitchen, grabbing a cup and filling it with water. His hands were shaking, but he managed not to spill any of it as he put the cup to his lips to drink. He set the cup down and just stood at the sink for a minute, letting his body calm down so that he could try to go back to sleep again. That's all he'd felt like doing for the past few weeks. He'd hardly gone out except for when he had to, and he wasn't exactly talking to people. Kaidan was terrified that someone might blame him for all this, when he was already doing that.

He could have gone back for her, could have refused an order. She might be alive if he'd ignored the chain of command. Then again, he might be dead if that had happened. In the back of his mind, he wondered if she was supposed to die now, of all times. If he'd gone with her, would she still have been cast off into space without him? At least then he'd have a clearer conscious. He'd have been able to see what he could have done, instead of coming up with a whole set of scenarios where he failed each time. That was all his dreams had been, lately, except for the one tonight.

She'd been with him. Just laying with him in bed and talking to him. It'd been far too real for it to be made up, but he would have known if this was just a memory that came up. He remembered nearly every conversation he'd had with her.

"Do you love me?" she sat up a little, laying on her stomach next to him as he laid on his back.

"Of course I love you, Catherine. Why do you ask?"

"It's just that it's been... a while." she cast her gaze downwards, towards her fidgeting hands, "I don't know, I thought you'd have said it before now."

"Do I need to say it?" he asked quietly, not sure that he'd ever have to affirm what she already knew - at least what he hoped she knew.

"It wouldn't hurt." she smiled, looking over.

Her hair had been longer in his dream - well past her shoulders and slightly curled at the ends. But her face was the same, the way she talked... her voice was the thing that killed him. He missed her laughter more than he'd thought, and only now did he realize that he hadn't made many friends who he felt he could trust to open up to.

He stood up and turned to walk back to bed. As he sat down on his bed, he saw his omni-tool blink, and he picked it up. There was a message from someone, and he decided he would deal with it later. They could wait until he felt sane again. Kaidan pulled his blanket over himself as he rolled onto his side, trying to go back to sleep.

"You look like shit."

"Thanks, Joker." he sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. He hadn't gotten much more sleep, and now it was finally starting to hit him that he was on his own.

"Seriously, are you okay?"

"Haven't been sleeping well."

"There's more to it than that. Come on, don't you trust me?"

"I don't want to talk."

"Fine, don't talk. But don't sit here and become useless, you know she'd kick your ass if she ever saw you like this."

He clenched his jaw. They were sitting in the front row, and her picture was right in front of him - he refused to look at it. She didn't look the same in that photo - she'd gotten a few more scars on her face since that was taken, and her eyes looked dull and glassy. She wasn't the woman he'd gotten to know.

"I doubt she'd be doing much better if I were in her place. At least give me the courtesy of being able to mourn her." he said quietly as someone else rose to speak.

"I'm not denying it to you. I'm just telling you that you should try to... move on a little. Maybe go talk to someone."

"I don't need to talk to anyone." he shook his head.

"That's what I told them before they made me. Of course it doesn't make any difference, I'm grounded regardless."

"No one is going to understand, even if I did go talk to someone." he sighed, looking at the ground.

"You've got the whole crew to talk to, Kaidan. We've all kept silent, but we know how much this has to be hurting. We're hurting too." Joker said, actually reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, giving a gentle shake. "We're all here for you. You just gotta meet us half way."