Author's Note: Thank you to Freethinker037 for the favorite, and to for the follow and favorite. I apologize for the long delay. I thought I had this chapter written up already, but I guess I was mistaken. Not to mention my laptop died the day after I got back from vacation, so I'm stuck using and old desktop until we get it fixed. I apologize so much for this chapter, but I hope you enjoy it regardless.
For several days after the funeral, Kaidan had been denying the fact that he needed to see anyone, despite everyone telling him it would help. But, when the Alliance ordered it, there was no way he could refuse, now. At least this woman he was supposed to see was from her own private practice, so nothing but a general report would be making it back to the Alliance.
At the moment, he was sitting in the waiting room, leg bouncing from too much nervous energy. It was serene here. Quiet, good temperature, and there was a calming scent that was being pumped through the ducts. Probably on purpose, he thought. He was supposed to feel safe here, so that he could talk. He admitted that at the moment, he at least felt comfortable here.
"Kaidan Alenko?" an asari came from the office, smiling. He stood up and reached to shake her hand. "Thank you for waiting. Are you comfortable stepping into my office?"
"Sure." he said, following her. The office wasn't much different. There was a desk, that much he had expected, but there were a few chairs surrounding a coffee table. It looked very relaxed and intimate. That hadn't been what he'd been expecting, but when she sat down in a chair and motioned for the one across from her, he took it. It was the same kind of chair that was out in the waiting room.
"My name is Nani, I'm glad you came to see me. Have you ever been to a therapy session like this before?"
He sighed, nodding quietly as he tried to get comfortable again. It took a moment for him to speak.
"It was right after I came back from BAaT camp. I was... I don't know, 17 or 18? So it's been a while." he could smile a little. It seemed like so long ago that he'd lost control of himself over a girl. Not unlike now, really.
He remembered how hard those sessions had been. He'd been so scarred that it had been difficult to talk about more than one thing each day. The sessions had lasted for several hours on top of that, due to the lapses in what he wanted to say. It had helped, not being pressured into speaking until he was ready. The worst day had been that first day, being asked about what had happened. It had been too raw, and Kaidan expected that same feeling today.
"That is quite some time." Nani agreed, looking down at her datapad. "The Alliance told me about the reason they sent you here. I want you to know that I am very sorry. You and the Commander seemed to be very close, if I'm not mistaken."
He nodded, clenching his jaw as he leaned forward to rest his arms on his knees, hanging his head.
"She was a lot more than just my best friend." he sucked in a breath. She wasn't allowed to divulge information to others, he had to remember that. "We spent a lot of down time together. Especially after we lost our friend Ashley. She was... I don't think anyone has ever seen her like that. She was a complete mess for the next few days. And it killed me that no one was stepping forward to help her. So... I said damn the regs, and went over and hugged her. She was my friend, I wasn't about to watch her suffer through that alone. She's been alone for too long."
Kaidan took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly as he sat back again, looking at the glass coffee table. It was quiet for the next seven minutes while he tried to figure out what else he could say.
"Do you want to talk about what happened after you went over to her? Maybe how she responded?" Nani offered in a soft voice. It didn't feel like she was probing for anything specific, but that she was genuinely trying to help him get through what he was feeling.
The rest of his time there was spent talking about the days leading up to Ash's death, and the few days after where it seemed like he'd spent every waking moment with Catherine to make sure that she'd be alright. He wasn't questioned further about much, other than the one 'do you think that was the right thing' after he mentioned telling Catherine to head straight for the relay, instead of diverting to the Council.
"I don't regret speaking up. I just wish that we didn't have to spend all that time waiting around while the Council... Effectively ignored us." he sighed, going back to how the two had spent the early hours of the next morning talking in her cabin. He left out how intimate it had gotten, for his own sake.
People believed that Sovereign had been a geth ship. The Normandy crew knew better, and no one was willing to look into it, so they all kept quiet. Kaidan was still furious that even Anderson had to step back. He was the only one with any real power to do anything, now. But that wasn't why Kaidan was here talking to Nani. He was here because the Alliance had deemed him unfit for duty until he underwent a series of psych evals, along with a number of visits to a therapist. He was here because he was grieving for Catherine.
He walked home, feeling just a tiny bit better that he could get some of his emotions off his chest. He'd always been very in touch with himself, compared to others. Sometimes it would drive people away, but for those that encouraged him to be more open, it proved to be worthwhile. But, it didn't change the fact that he was alone, now. If Catherine had been busy, or off on tour, he could have handled being alone. She would come back. But knowing that she was dead, even if her body hadn't been found... This was tearing him apart daily.
That night, he nearly drowned himself in whiskey. Something he'd promised himself he would never do, but it was already done. He was actually drunk, for a change, and it felt good to be out of control, for once. Kaidan stumbled around his apartment, looking for something. What it was, he didn't know. He stumbled into the wall and grunted, catching himself before he fell.
He looked up at the one picture he'd snapped of Catherine while they'd been on shore leave. He'd transferred it to this external device as soon as he'd been able. She was laying in the bed asleep, curled up with a pillow in her arms, white sheets bringing out the subtle creaminess of her skin, hair surprisingly smoothed against her head, and bold in the sunlight. Her lips were parted slightly, and the cheek she was laying on was pressing up on her eye. Catherine had been absolutely adorable in that moment, and Kaidan could remember that just two minutes later she woke up, not happy that Kaidan was standing there with his omni-tool open. The photo faded to the next one that she'd allowed him to keep, not hating it but not openly liking it either. They'd spent a day on the beach, enjoying the sun and the water. Catherine had been convinced that she was going to get a sunburn if she didn't stay under the shade, but for the few minutes she'd gone into the water, she'd seemed truly carefree. The deep blue water was mid-thigh, and she turned half-way to look back at him. He got a great picture of her in her swimsuit, smirking with her hands holding her hair back. He had a feeling that if they ever did have a family, he would have been the one taking all the photos. It was just something he did.
He fell to the floor. And Kaidan started to cry, for the first time since she'd died. He hadn't cried for years, but all the pain was coming out slowly as his cheeks grew more and more wet by the second. Breathing became hard, and his chest was hurting so much that he felt like he was going to be torn in half from the hole that was surely forming. He never deserved her. She was far better than anyone he would ever be deserving of. Kaidan Alenko was a piece of trash compared to Catherine Shepard. And with that last thought, he crawled to his bed and fell asleep.
"How are you feeling since we talked last week?" Nani smiled as they walked to her office.
"Not much different." Kaidan said. He hadn't gotten much sleep, and had dark circles under his eyes. He knew he looked terrible, but it reflected just how he felt. After his little breakdown, he'd had a hard time doing anything but eating and sleeping. It was easy, having to wait until he was cleared for another assignment. He'd heard Chakwas had gone to help in a small clinic for a while, he'd thought briefly about going to chat with the doctor. They'd gotten along well enough that he could consider her a friend. But then just two days ago, Joker had come over unannounced, carrying much more alcohol than Kaidan thought was wise to be around. He'd been grounded. Understandably, he was furious, and they'd both passed out on the couch that night.
"I'm sorry to hear that. Has there been anything in particular that's been bothering you?"
Straight to business. He let out a heavy sigh, and began unloading, because... Well it felt good. He even let a few tears slip out, not bothering to wipe them from his face. The trails they left made his skin feel tight, and uncomfortable. But as he continued talking, about everything, Nani's face grew more and more grim. When he sat back, finished, he glanced up at her, and she was busy tapping away at a data pad.
"Can I ask what you're doing?"
"I, um... I think you may need a more thorough evaluation." she paused, looking him in the eyes. "Your behavior is suggesting that you may have depression. Whether it's simply temporary, or more long-term I can't say. But I would definitely like you to go see someone more experienced about this."
"My... Friend, Dr. Chakwas. I'd like to go see her, if that's alright." he said, with a slow nod.
"By all means, go ahead. We can end our session early today, if you'd like. As long as you go see your friend before our next scheduled visit."
"I can manage that. Thank you." he stood up, walking out and heading straight to his apartment, just like last time. After shutting the door, he took a look around. Nothing was really a mess, but it felt dirty to him. His eyes happened to glance over at the external device he'd cried over last week. He felt a gut-wrenching pain, and made himself sit down, holding his head in his hands as he gently rocked back and forth, trying to hold himself together. He couldn't even look at her picture without falling apart, maybe it would be best to get rid of it- no. He couldn't do that. Kaidan wouldn't want her to erase him from her life. But she'd be stronger than he was.
Catherine, if she could see him now, would probably be smiling at him. She would be telling him that whatever he was feeling was okay, because he's only human.
"You make me feel... human."
Those words had never felt more true now. He felt so alone, and lost. What would he do if he wasn't allowed back to active duty? He'd always been good with tech. Maybe he could work on retrofits for ships, or get into a nice civilian job. No, he had to believe he could go back into active duty. He was stronger than this, he could do it, Kaidan resolved.
But, before he forgot, he sent a quick message to Chakwas, asking if she would come see him. He wasn't sure he could bear to leave his apartment, for next day or so, despite the sudden burst of confidence. His emotions were running amok. He needed to sort through them one by one, or try to. Anything to stop tiring himself out with his own thoughts. Luckily it seemed that Chakwas was available now, and was on her way. Kaidan forced himself to sit down and focus on his breathing to keep his mind off things for the next half hour or so. It worked a little too well because he was about ready to doze off when he heard the soft knock on his door. He forced himself up and over to the door, rubbing at his eyes.
"Kaidan, it's good to see you." Chakwas said, arm out for a hug. Kaidan smiled and stepped into it, returning the hug. It felt good to see a friend, and he could actually feel some of the tension in his back leave. He invited her inside and sat down to talk for a bit. Just casual things, at the start, and something that actually got him to smile, and laugh a couple of times.
"So tell me," she started after a bit of silence, "was there a reason you called me over, or were you just looking for some company?"
"A little of both." Kaidan sat up and cleared his throat as he readjusted himself. "The therapist I'm seeing... She wanted me to get a psych evaluation. I called you, because... Well you know me better than most others, and I thought that would mean a little more accurate evaluation."
"I see." Chakwas nodded, "Is there any reason in particular that your therapist asked this from you?"
"She mentioned that some of my behavior leads her to think I might be depressed." he cleared his throat, eyes watering just a bit. He wasn't fucked up enough, now he had to add mentally ill to his already long list of problems. "She's not sure whether it's just temporary or not. I guess time will tell, huh?"
"I'm glad you asked me to do this Kaidan." Chakwas said, reaching over to put her hand on his shoulder. "I have been a little worried about you. You don't seem to be as social as you used to be."
"It's been hard. There are a number of things that I can just look at or think of, and Catherine comes to mind. It's nearly torn me apart a few times, already, and I know it's not healthy."
"No one can tell you how to grieve, or for how long. Your connection with her was unique, and I can promise you that if, in the unfortunate event your roles had been switched, the only difference between the two of you would be how you are grieving the loss. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you have been dealing with this situation."
He sighed, and gave a gentle nod. The reassurance was what he had needed without realizing it. After taking a few minutes to try to relax himself, they began to go through a series of questions that Kaidan was all too familiar with. Several answers didn't change, though there were a few that he knew were not going to give him the result he wanted, but they were honest answers. He began rubbing the back of his neck when Chakwas was silent, going over everything and cross-referencing from her omni-tool.
"You are showing some signs of mild depression, Kaidan." she said, looking up. "It's nothing to be worried about. I think if you just continue with your therapist, and make more of an effort to get out of your apartment, I think you'll be just fine, this looks temporal. And of course, if you feel like it's getting worse, or you need more than the therapy, give me a call, or come visit me in the clinic." she looked at him, waiting for a response. He nodded and then ran his hand over his face.
"Alright, I'll make sure to call if I need it. Thank you." he stood up to show her out.
"Before I go, I thought I'd let you know that a few of us were going out for drinks tomorrow night. You're welcome to join us."
"I'll think about it. I'm not sure that alcohol would be the best thing for me. But I can always go for the company." he shrugged, smiling and waving goodbye, before shutting the door.
"This looks temporal." she'd said. But it would be just his luck that this would turn into a long term issue. He wasn't going to worry about it right now, because his stomach chose that moment to start growling. When was the last time he'd had a good meal? Maybe he'd head down to get something fresh to cook at the store.