Author's Note: After the last chapter, I thought you could all use some cheering up. Also I'm trying to speed things along some because I kinda sort of hate mopey Kaidan and I want him to be happy. Sorry for the length (and the excessive wait!) but I really hope this is what we've all been waiting for.
Thank you to Freethinker037 for the follow. I hope you enjoy!
"You're looking much better. How do you feel?"
"I feel good. Just anxious to get back out in the field." Kaidan said, clasping Anderson's hand tightly. When it was released he let his hand fall back to his side, curious to know why he'd been called into the Councilors' office. It couldn't possibly be to catch up.
"Glad to hear it." Anderson sighed, shaking his head, "I'm not going to try hiding it; Admiral Hackett asked me to see if I thought you were ready for another assignment. Psychiatrists and doctors may say one thing, but if you don't feel ready that's a different story. So, how are you really?"
"It's never easy to lose someone close, but I think an assignment would be a welcome distraction. Help me get back on my feet again."
Kaidan had felt absolutely useless while all his other friends were off being assigned to other vessels, or stations. Though Joker had been grounded - just as shaken up as Kaidan had been. Maybe Jeff had it worse if he'd been grounded. But Kaidan had hardly heard from him in the past three months, so he assumed everything was fine. Anderson began talking again.
"I thought I would see for myself. I'd like you to be part of my personal guard for some time, just to ease you back into things. I know it's not exciting-"
"No, that sounds like just what I need." Kaidan said, offering the smallest of smiles.
"Good. I'll forward you more details and have Kyla contact you - you'll be working with her very closely." He pulled up his omni-tool, searching for something.
"Thank you, sir." he said once he received a series of files.
"You don't have to be formal with me, Kaidan."
"Habit. I'll keep it in mind, Anderson."
Nothing eventful had happened for the past half a year guarding Anderson, but he'd been promoted, finally. It felt like a weight of his shoulders - he was finally beginning to move on from the Normandy, able to breathe again. His depression had not gone away, but he was learning to live with it, and accept that it was just another unfortunate roll of the dice in his life. But things were beginning to look up. He was heading to an asari colony to train his biotics up a little more, before his next mission. A few other human biotics would be there, too.
"This sounds like just what you need." Anderson had smiled just a few hours ago, after explaining everything. Kaidan had stood up and shook his hand before leaving, not saying much else.
At the moment he was sitting on his bed, in the midst of packing for his flight out later tonight. But he was torn, holding the collection of photos he'd allowed himself to keep of Catherine. Did he take them, or leave them behind? On the one hand, she was his determination to keep going, and improve himself, so that no one else would have to suffer the way she did. On the other hand, the memories were still strong enough to send him into relapses, where he would be unmoving for days at a time. With a shake of his head, he set it down beside the bed. It was best to leave her here, where he could be alone and focused. He stood up and continued folding up some clothes into his bag for another half hour before he'd finally finished.
Now, it was a matter of keeping himself occupied until he could leave. Sitting in a chair in the corner, he pulled up his omni-tool to see if he couldn't learn any more about this colony he was going to. At first, it seemed like there was little to do on the planet, much less where he would be staying. That didn't entirely bode well for him, but he was there to work, not to wander. At least it would be a change of scenery, and he might make some new friends. Then, he wondered what Liara had been up to. She'd all but vanished from everyone's radar. Last he'd heard, she was taking some job offer on Illium. What she would be doing, he couldn't recall. Or perhaps she simply hadn't mentioned. Either way, he figured it wouldn't hurt to send her a simple message to see what she had been up to. He didn't expect a reply back.
For a few hours, Kaidan figured he could try to talk with a few old friends before leaving for who knew how long. Joker didn't seem to be in a particularly good mood, and refused to say what he'd been doing as of late. He hadn't been good enough friends with Tali and Wrex, so that wasn't an option. Garrus, though. He'd been a good friend when it counted, and didn't seem to care that they never had any deep conversations. Maybe it was better that way.
KA: We haven't talked for a while, thought I would see how you're doing.
He sent the message, wondering what Garrus had gotten up to.
GV: Tried going back to C-Sec. Too much red tape for me to handle, so I figured I would go somewhere that I could make a real difference.
What the hell did that mean? He wasn't surprised that Garrus would find C-Sec boring after all the chaos they had been exposed to.
KA: And where is that?
GV: I'd rather not say. Might get you into more trouble than you've asked for.
GV: It's probably best if you try not to contact me too much from now on.
Kaidan frowned, utterly confused. He didn't know what to say to any of that. He shook his head and tossed his omni-tool on the bed with a sigh. Friends were hard to come by, for him. The few he thought he'd made seemed to run away pretty quick without any word to him. So what was it all for, then? He found himself leaning forward with his head in his hands, an aching feeling in his chest threatening to overtake him. He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, enough that he felt like he could get up and walk around some so that he could think about something else.
He knew what it would come back around to. It never failed. But if he could delay it, he would be fine. He had to be. And then he felt himself slowly collapsing to the ground, wracked with quiet sobs and guilt.
"Welcome to Nos Heliaa." the VI chimed pleasantly as he exited the shuttle. The other human biotics, five others to be exact, were all younger than himself. Though as he'd talked with them, it seemed like they were very experienced and more than ready to take on whatever was handed to them.
They were all implanted with the L4 configurations. He couldn't possibly imagine what that would do to his already impressive biotics. He could seriously injure someone with just the tiniest lift if he wasn't careful, as it was. With any newer implant, well... He'd be categorized as a monster, no doubt. He was comfortable with the L2, anyway. The migraines weren't awful, and he knew his limits. Having to readjust would just be a nightmare for him, and anyone in the vicinity of him.
Two of the younger biotics had to drop the program. It was disheartening for everyone, even the asari training with them, to see two students leave. They weren't ready, yet.
"I heard they're getting called into a secret program." one of the young men said over dinner.
"That's stupid, they couldn't even do some of the basic exercises, why would they get pulled over the rest of us?" a girl snapped back.
"Because no one would miss them. Those two were orphans, they have no family. They're expendable."
"How could you say something like that about another human being? Or anyone for that matter?"
"Look, I'm just telling you what I heard the instructor say over comm." he shrugged, slumping forward into his meal.
"Maybe you should get some actual facts before you start spewing bullshit."
Kaidan had to wonder if that had been the case at all. It wasn't unusual for the Alliance to put people in programs to see how they might react to a similar one, then pull them out when they were deemed ready. It had happened to him, once, right before he'd been assigned to the Normandy. He kept quiet, and listened to the murmur of conversation around him. He was just trying not to get sucked up in memories of the past.
He'd been here for five months, and now he was getting to go back home and rest. The training had been worth it. He felt even more in control of his biotics than before - he'd thought he'd had a good handle on things then. He was almost fearless about using them in any given situation. He just hoped it would be enough to make a difference, next time there was danger. He was already being assessed for a proper posting, after his week-long shore leave.
The first thing that happened when he stepped off the shuttle in Vancouver was a frighteningly solid hug from his mother. His arms naturally returned the embrace, and a flood of emotions began to come forward. Kaidan willed them back down until he was alone with his mom and dad. But, his dad had work, so for now it was just him and his mother. Maybe it was for the best. The ride from the dock to the house on the bay was relatively silent, but it was better than the last time this sort of thing had happened.
"I'm glad you get to be home with us for a little while, Kaidan." his mother smiled, looking over to him as she drove. He glanced back with a smile, then returned his gaze back out the window, trying not to think too much about anything, but where he might be going for his next assignment. The drive didn't seem like it had taken nearly an hour, but they were home now. He got out and grabbed his bag from the back and headed inside. The moment he stepped inside, he nearly lost himself.
"Kaidan, tell me what's wrong." his mother asked, scared as she knelt beside him on the floor. Her hand was on his back, trying to soothe him the best she could. His throat felt like it had closed up, and made it impossible to speak. Never mind the stinging in his eyes and the awful hole ripping its way back open in his chest. For a while, they both sat in silence as he tried to hold his sobs in, unsuccessfully. She tried getting him to speak a few more times before he finally replied to her.
"I don't want to talk about it right this minute. Maybe later." he got out, burying his head in his arms. He would sit in the entry way of the house until he felt like moving. Which, it turned out, was going to be until his father got home.
The front door opened and Kaidan slowly glanced up, still red-eyed and feeling miserable, to his father. The man had a smile, though it faded a bit when they looked closer at each other. The door then shut and he shrugged off his coat, before holding a hand out in Kaidan's face.
"Let's go talk." he said quietly. Kaidan didn't hesitate to take his father's hand, hauling himself up to his feet, leaving his bags at the door. He followed his father into the kitchen where his mother was. She smiled and greeted both of them, in the middle of preparing dinner. Kaidan sat down at the counter while his father began helping his mother with dinner. "So, how was the training?"
"It went great." Kaidan sighed, finally sitting upright, and managing to look a little more composed. "I learned a lot of new techniques, and I got a few tips on how to refine some other skills, from some of the asari. A couple of the kids that went with me were amazing - I didn't think they'd be able to last a week in that camp. I underestimated how much they're teaching them, now."
"It took a while to get there, but they're getting the best education they can." his father said. "Did they tell you where you're heading out next?"
"No, not yet. All I know is that it will be something planet side, maybe a tour or two."
"You haven't been planet side for a mission for a while."
"I have new skills they might want to test out." Kaidan shrugged.
They didn't talk about his breakdown. They didn't talk about what happened after the Normandy crashed. They didn't talk about anything that was in the past, except for training. Positive thoughts, keeping things on the future... that was all that there was to talk about while he was home. And that's all he wanted. Until he could finally move on and start a new tour, he didn't want to think about his past at all, not even the past few hours. Kaidan felt like he was finally starting to move on from Catherine. He was starting to remember who he was on his own, and all the things he was capable of doing.
Kaidan found himself falling asleep, thinking about what it might be like to finally live a relatively normal life again. And he smiled.
That smile radiated from his core, and made him feel warm for the first time in months. It amazed him and he wondered how long it had been since he'd actually felt something. He couldn't recall missing out on feeling anything before, but now he wanted to feel everything again. It was like he'd broken out of his shell, at last, and he could live again. A breath of fresh air and he was ready to take on the world.
This is who he remembered being. And he loved this person.