Author's Note: Thanks to asuka-uk for the follow! I apologize for the extreme delay in... Everything. I've been busy, and having writer's block on top of that hasn't helped in the slightest. I'm doing my best, but I'm just glad so many of you have stuck with me through this. Thank you so much, it means the world to me. I thought you all might appreciate seeing what Kaidan was up to before he came across Shepard on Horizon. Hope you like it and enjoy!
It seemed more than a little ironic to Kaidan that he was being sent to Horizon, after having made plans nearly two years ago to come here with Catherine. He'd been terrified at first that it would be too traumatic for him to think about it, or be there. But orders were orders and he was going to follow through.
Once he'd stepped off the Alliance shuttle, though, he realized it would be traumatic for a whole other reason. Specifics of the posting weren't handed out until he and the other soldiers had settled in, and were eating dinner. Kaidan nearly spat out his food as he read over the report, not because of what was in it but because of what he heard some of the other soldiers saying.
He'd just read about how they were sent here to protect against a possible Cerberus attack...
"You saw the news, right?" one of the women whispered, "Shepard's alive, and working with Cerberus!"
"Bullshit," called another marine, "She'd never-"
"There was a Cerberus logo branded on the armor of two of her companions when she was spotted on the Citadel. That could only mean she's working for them!"
"But she was still in her N7 armor!"
"Doesn't mean they couldn't have bootlegged it for her. You know that shit is top quality."
Kaidan forced himself to tune out, scarfing down the rest of his dinner so he could go outside and get some fresh air. That information, combined with the disturbing details of the posting was enough to make his head spin, and make him feel sick. He stood outside the building, staring up at the sky as it turned to twilight, stars just beginning to show through the darkening sky.
She couldn't be alive. Catherine would have contacted him if she were, right? And even then, it had been two years. Where would she have been all this time? Why wouldn't she have talked to him? Did their relationship mean nothing? And why Cerberus? They were twisted, and Catherine hadn't had many good things to say about them in the past, much less about the way they treated their own people. There was no way this was the Catherine he knew, and had come to admire, and even love. He shook his head. It was either a very convincing doppelganger, a clone, or she hadn't been spaced at all, and instead was kidnapped and brainwashed into working for them.
He couldn't just send her a message, though. That would risk too much. With a heavy sigh, he sent out a different message.
KA: I just heard two soldiers talking about Shepard. Saying that she was alive, and working with Cerberus. Do you know anything?
He waited for the message to go through, and then went back to the bunks to get ready for bed. Kaidan had a long day ahead of him, tomorrow, and he would need plenty of rest to deal with these wary colonists. As he sat down on the bed, he pulled up his omni-tool again, habitually scrolling through files. He'd intended on reading something to get to sleep, but instead he paused his scrolling for two reasons. One, was the message he received.
DA: I just spoke to her. I have no doubt it's really her - a clone wouldn't have the same memories. We talked for some time about why she's working with Cerberus, because she is. All she would say was that the Alliance wasn't doing anything, and she needed to stop the attacks on human colonies. I do believe she has the best intentions, and I'll stay in contact with her throughout her mission.
That alone shook Kaidan to his very core. He felt many things. Rage. Confusion. Nausea. Heartbreak.
DA: I should also mention she kept asking about you. I couldn't tell her much, but I could see how much it eased her mind to know that you'd been able to move on after what happened.
Kaidan hadn't needed to hear that, but it did make his chest ache. It was an ache he hadn't felt for the longest time, and it felt as good as it hurt - which was to say a lot. He shut his eyes tight, like a child might, and he struggled to hold back the sob he could feel rising in his throat.
The other things that had paused his scrolling was the only photo of the two of them. The only photo of them. He'd cherished it and kept it hidden away from anyone else. Despite hating him taking photos of her while she wasn't looking, she didn't mind if she was taking them. While he wasn't looking, she'd snagged his omni-tool, and then she'd gotten his attention to take a photo.
He'd kissed her cheek as she took the photo, and she was grinning, one eye closed as the force from his kiss knocked her a little off balance and surprised her. Kaidan's arms were around her midsection, a hand unintentionally pushing her shirt up to expose her hip and the edge of the tattoo on her side. He'd found out not too long before that day that it was a collection of roses. The only reason he'd saved it, seeing as it was actually an awful photo, was because she'd made the effort to try to preserve a little piece of them. That meant everything to him, and he wasn't sure he'd ever get over her, no matter how he felt about her actions.
KA: If you talk to her again, let her know I'd like to talk with her the next chance I'm around the Citadel.
It was all he could come up with that didn't sound awful. He wanted to talk with Catherine about a lot of things. But he would need time to figure out what those thigns were, and how to best approach them. He could sleep on it. For several nights.
Shutting off his omni-tool, he turned the lights off and threw himself onto his bed to sleep. He kept his thoughts away from Catherine, and tried to focus on what he would have to do tomorrow.
Why did he think these colonists would appreciate help from the Alliance? They'd come all the way to the Terminus System to get away from the Alliance, yet here he was trying to set up colony defenses. Officially, it was to defend against pirates, but everyone knew it was actually in case the Collectors came around.
"You're just making us a bigger target for them! We look like scared little shits with these things up, no one wants them here, anyway!" several of the colonists had yelled at Kaidan. He was put in charge of the technical calibrations and whatnot, making sure these things would actually fire and work as they were meant to. He didn't pay much attention to their complaints - he was just following the orders he was given, same as the rest of the soldiers.
Every day, for months, he was met with protests, until they finally realized he wasn't going to listen. After that, they began sabotaging whatever they could. Sensors, wires, numbers, construction... It was almost enough that Kaidan was ready to report to command about the behavior, and request some back up. At this rate, it would take at least three more months to finish building the AA guns, and possible more to calibrate them.
"A lot of these people lost something because of the Alliance. That's why they came out here." a woman smiled. She was one of the few who was offering assistance where she could be useful. It was typically handing over parts, or tools, which gave plenty of room to chat.
"That's unfortunate, but we're just here to make sure they can keep living. We could be out of her in a month, if they'd let us do our jobs." Kaidan sighed, laying on his back with his sleeves rolled up as he worked on a circuit board. "Believe me, I've had plenty taken from them, too, but I'm still here."
"You're a soldier - a good soldier - but that's not what they see." she shook her head, handing over one of the small soldering guns when he asked. "All they see is a reminder of what they've lost." there was a long pause, but he could tell she wanted to say more, so he waited. "It's like when you have a pet. When you're home, they love it, everything is great. They get attention, affection, they're fed, and taken care of. But... You know, one day you suddenly have to go on a long trip. Your pet doesn't realize it at first, but somehow while you're gone, they get mad at you for abandoning them. When you come back, they're reminded of how things were before, and they don't act the same."
"But after a while, pets will go back to normal." Kaidan scoffed.
"Maybe it just takes these people a little longer. All I'm saying is don't take it too hard, it's not worth the attention you're giving it."
Kaidan paused and pulled himself out from under the massive AA gun in the middle of an outdoor warehouse, and he was smiling. Lilith seemed confused.
"How could you possibly know how much attention I'm paying to this?" he laughed.
"I am a trained psychologist. These things are easy to pick up on." she shrugged and smiled back. "Get everything fixed up?"
"Yeah, almost. I just need to adjust a couple more wires and it should be ready to start being calibrated." he moved to pull himself back under but there was a hand on his forearm that made him pause. The sensation of another hand on his arm was almost foreign, but he was surprised at how gentle and welcoming it felt.
"I think you could take a break to grab some lunch. Let's close it up for now and come back."
"Good thing you're here. I would have worked myself through until dinner." he stood up and offered her a hand to pull her up.
Kaidan got along fine with Lilith. Up until today, he didn't know much about her other than she had come here without anyone. It sounded to him like she was running from something, but he wasn't sure it was entirely appropriate to ask about it. So he stuck to safer topics, like where she was from, what she did. He realized far too quickly that he liked Lilith. And he had conflicting feelings about this situation.
While he'd thought for two years that Catherine was dead, if she could prove that all of this Cerberus bullshit was just that, he would do anything to have her back in his life. Though, for two years, he'd convinced himself that it was okay to move on. During his time working as a bodyguard for Anderson, he'd met someone who he had taken an interest in, quite like now, with Lilith. It had been long enough that Kaidan didn't feel awkward about going on a few dates, to see where things went. Patania hadn't seemed very interested in him after that third date, and by then he'd started to see that they just weren't going to work out. It was mutual that they'd had a nice time getting to know each other, and they both knew it wasn't going to be very likely they would ever see each other again.
Come to think of it, she'd been a doctor in the same field that Lilith was. They were both specialists in psychology, but Patania had more knowledge about other species. Lilith was more or less confined to the psychology of humans. Still, it was interesting that they'd both had the same intent of helping others. He'd never said anything about his relationship with Catherine, or even hinted at anything. He was lucky enough to be able to fade back into the crowd after what had happened. Lilith seemed to see through it, and sense that he needed someone to talk to. All these doctors helping him, and he'd come to like each of them.
"Can I ask you something personal?" Lilith asked as they walked back towards the gun to work on it.
"Sure." he hadn't been paying too close attention to the conversation, truth be told.
"How are you taking the news about Shepard being alive?"
How would anyone take the news that their significant other had come back from the dead? he thought bitterly. When he didn't answer, he saw her smile. That only hurt him more than the news already was.
"What?" he asked quietly.
"I'm only asking because I know it's bothering you. I saw you walk out that first night you were here, and you looked like you'd seen a ghost. You haven't really reached out to anyone since, so I can only imagine-"
"Lilith, just stop. It's hard enough on me as it is, I don't want to talk about it." he said, turning his full attention to the circuit board. For a while, they worked silently, only talking when they needed to.
"I'm sorry about asking. But if you want to talk, I don't mind listening."
"It's fine... And I'll keep that in mind."
He wasn't about to open himself up for anyone. Not until he could sort out how he was feeling, not just towards Lilith, but about Catherine. He hated having emotions, sometimes, but he had to remind himself that's what made being alive so great. Being able to experience this mix of emotions made his life unique, and worth experiencing. He had to keep going, because in the back of his mind, he knew there was a chance that he and Catherine might be able to get this problem sorted out and be together again. It was a long shot, but Kaidan would take any hope he could get.