"Shit, shit, shit."
Rebecca paused as she walked past Paula's desk, then stopped, frowning, as Paula got to her feet and started stuffing her phone and keys into her purse. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"I have to go to the school," Paula said, forcing a smile that didn't quite hide her crazy eyes. "Brendan's been caught selling old exam papers, the little… I just can't believe him! I did not raise someone careless enough to get caught!"
Screwing up her mouth, Rebecca cocked her head to the side, but decided that this was not the right time to comment on Paula's parenting priorities. "That's cool, go – do what you gotta do."
Paula grabbed a file from her desk and then slowed, looking at it for a long moment and then raising her eyes back to her. "That's not all." She grimaced, turning the file over in her hands. "Nathaniel's been at a meeting with a client all afternoon and wasn't planning on coming in over the weekend, so he called Maya to bring this over after work since he was going straight home afterwards. She's going to some super important boring party thing straight from work, so I told her I'd do it for her."
Rebecca raised her eyebrows. "That was… nice of you?" she said uncertainly.
Paula laughed under her breath, rolling her eyes. "Yeah well, I didn't do offer to do it out of the goodness of my heart – the fact that she owes me a favour scares the shit out of her, but I know I'll think of something that I can actually get her to do. But now it's on me to take it to him, and who knows how long I'll be at the school for." She grimaced at her hopefully. "Could you put on your boss-lady pants and make someone do it for me?"
"As much as I love the idea of using my new position to benefit my friends, this time I don't need to." Taking the file, she flipped through the pages without looking at them. "I'll take it over myself."
"Oh, honey," Paula said slowly. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"It'll be fine," she assured her. She waved off her concern when she looked at her askance. "Now go deal with your criminal child. I'll take this to Nathaniel, I'll be in and out, just like two normal co-business owners. It'll be fine. I promise."
On her way to Nathaniel's apartment, she stopped at her place to change her underwear.
The door opened to Nathaniel's back as he was already turning away from it. "Hey - just put it on the counter." He was a few steps back into his apartment before he stopped and slowly turned back to her, smiling at her in confusion. She smiled back. After a moment his dropped into a frown. "You're not Maya," he pointed out needlessly.
"Or Paula." She stepped inside and dropped the case file on the table next to the door. Cocking her head to the side, she looked up at him consideringly. "The question is," she said slowly, "are you complaining?"
He'd taken a few steps back toward the door but now he stopped, his lip twitching as though he wanted to smile but wasn't sure whether he was allowed to. Rebecca didn't wait for him to find his words, reaching behind her blindly to push the door closed and then closing the distance between them. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled him close and furrowed her brow as she kissed him gently, just enjoying the feeling of his soft, warm lips against hers. Her hands cupped his face, her thumbs stroking his cheeks, feeling the day-old stubble breaking from his skin, and after a moment he relaxed into her, kissing her back, one hand slipping into her hair while the other came around her waist. She felt warm and desirable and wanted, her heart swelling three sizes in her chest, and she kissed him with all of that feeling, tilting her head and parting her lips to taste him deeper.
Humming low in his throat, Nathaniel moved and she let him step her backwards toward his bed. She dropped backwards onto the mattress, her fall softened by Nathaniel's strong arm around her waist. Pulling him firmly down on top of her, her legs parted naturally to let him settle in between them. She kissed him again, breathing out heavily through her nose and revelling in the familiar weight of him on top of her as he pressed himself bodily into her. Her fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, brushing against his skin as she worked her way down, but just as she reached the bottom and moved her hands to his shoulders to push the shirt off of them, he pulled away and pushed himself back until he was kneeling between her legs. He made quick work of the buttons on her pants and she lifted her hips to let him slide them off, leaning forward afterward to pull her blouse over her head and pulling off her bra, tossing it to the side of the room. Her heart starting to pound as he smiled at her, his eyebrow cocking... well, cockily as he shifted down the bed.
"You don't have to - oh god," she said, all stupid, stupid, what are you even thinking protests abandoning her as he pressed her legs open further and lowered his head, pressing his mouth on her through her underwear. Rebecca let her head fall back against the pillow, her breath catching in her throat as he moved his mouth against her, gasping a moan as he sucked gently through the thin material.
"I like these," he murmured, his fingers hooking around the waistband and tugging them down, and damn she felt awkward and leggy as she squirmed out of them but as soon as she was free his hands ran up her legs and she immediately felt sexy and desirable. His touch on her inner thighs sent shivers all through her as he guided her legs open, his nose nudging at the crease of her thigh had her heart pounding, his warm breath on her had her squirming until his hands closed around her thighs to keep her still, but nothing compared to that first press of his open mouth against her. He kissed at her, his lips moving over her slowly, his tongue pressing flat against her and licking at her firmly.
Her eyes rolled back as his mouth closed over her clit, her hips jerking forward automatically. When his forearm came up and settled across her lower stomach, holding her in place she knocked it away, uninterested in any kind of restraint in this. When her hand sunk into his hair, holding him against her, he took her hint, redoubling his efforts and oh god, it was ridiculous how good he was at this. His other hand left her thigh and she took the opportunity, hooking her leg over his shoulder and grinding up against him. Looking down at him, she felt a thrill to see his eyes on her, and the mischief in them making her uncertain for the barest moment before his fingers found her, playing with her opening and then slipping them slowly inside of her. His eyes stuttered closed, and fuck it if the idea of him being turned on by how much she was enjoying this didn't make it so much better.
His fingers moved slowly at first, matching the rolling of his tongue against her, but as she got more and more worked up he picked up his pace, rubbing at her insides while he kissed her all over, his attention mostly focused on her clit but not forgetting all of the surrounding sensitive areas. Rebecca let out a low moan when he stopped licking at her to suck gently on her clit, and pressed the back of her hand against her mouth to muffle the sound but only succeeded in huffing in desperation when Nathaniel pulled back from her. "No," he said, his voice tense but firm, and when she caught his eye he widened his desperately. He pulled her hand away from her mouth, his fingers threading through hers as he pressed kisses against her inner thigh, keeping her on edge. "Here, you don't have to keep quiet," he said thickly. "Here, we don't have to rush it. I'm taking my time with you, and I'm going to hear just how much you love it."
Unable to argue with that, Rebecca let her head fall back again, her breath coming quickly as he licked slowly, so fucking slowly up the crease of her leg, and then let her moan fall from her lips unhindered as he closed his mouth over her again and now he was unrelentless, kissing and licking and sucking at her until she was a mess beneath his touch, until the only sound in the room was her next moan starting just as the other finished, until she started to shake beneath him and then her whole body froze, wave after wave of pleasure rolling through her because he wasn't stopping, wasn't letting up. "Nathaniel," she moaned - half-protest, half-curse, all blame - until he finally slowed his movements. His fingers slipped from her but he continued to mouth at her softly until her body finally relaxed completely.
Still he didn't move away, not entirely, turning his head to press small kisses against the inside of her thigh. His hand squeezed hers gently, his fingers massaging her knuckles, but then his hand untangled from hers and when she felt the bed shift she opened her eyes halfway to see him padding over to the bedside table. She closed them again, letting her head fall back and sighing until there was no air left in her lungs, melting into the bed.
When a thump reached her ears she looked up, humming quietly when she saw him tossing his other shoe and then shrugging out of his shirt. She sucked her lower lip between her teeth, watching the muscles under his skin move as he bent down to slide his pants and underwear off in one go. Damn, that man looked good as he was undressing, and naked, and clothed, and just yeah okay, all of the time. He smirked at her as though he knew exactly what she was thinking but she didn't even care – although she did care about the way his brow furrowed when he rolled the condom on.
Climbing back onto the bed, he resumed his position between her legs, kissing his way up from her thigh to her hip. She reached down lazily and threaded her fingers through the short hairs at the back of his head as he slowly kissed his way up her body, making her squirm when he focused on the sensitive stretch of skin there that always gave her shivers, making her sigh when he closed his mouth over her nipple. As soon as he'd come a little more level with her, she lifted her knees to let him settle in between them properly, rolling her hips and rubbing herself against his hardness between her legs. He paused in his kissing of her neck, his breath faltering, his hips stuttering forward into hers and the sliding of his cock against her clit made her insides clench in anticipation.
It didn't speed him up, though, and he took his time kissing him way along her jaw. She was a lot less patient, turning her head and capturing his mouth with her own, her fingers tightening in his hair to keep him close and kissing him with all of the longing that had been building inside of her. He kissed her back so slowly, so sweetly, his lips moving with hers gently but thoroughly. When she felt the press of him at her entrance she spread her legs wider, encouraging him, and when the tip of him slipped inside she whimpered, yes from the feeling of him inside of her but also it just felt so good, so overwhelming to have his hard, naked body on and in hers. "Ahh," he gasped as he slowly thrust all of the way in, and she responded in kind when his hand slid down her side, down her leg until he reached her knee and pulled her leg up over his hip, using the angle to press just a little further inside her. It was too much, too much, and she felt something almost like relief when he moved, starting a slow, rolling rhythm.
When he next broke the kiss to breathe, Rebecca threw her head back on the pillow, her own chest heaving. He was leaned back, his weight resting on one arm while the fingers of his other hand teased at her nipple. Sighing with enjoyment, she reached up to pull him back down and he followed easily, dropping back onto his elbow, but he didn't lean in to kiss her again like she'd hoped for. Instead he looked down to where his hand was, followed its movements as it trailed up her neck and then settled on her face, his palm cupping her cheek. She lifted her hand to pull his away but instead found it resting over his, holding it there as she looked up to meet his eyes fully. There was arousal there, yes, and lust, but there was also something a lot more open and pure than she'd expected, and she felt it's answer resonating in the sudden swelling of her heart.
His breath hitched with every thrust, but she couldn't breathe at all. Pulling him back down onto her, she buried her face against his shoulder, her hands smoothing over his skin as she started to feel a tingle all throughout hers. When his teeth closed gently over her earlobe she moaned, tightening her arms around him, wanting to take him closer, closer, closer within her. "Don't stop," she moaned as her body started to tremble, and the way he growled and picked up his pace in response only took her a step closer to the edge.
"Fuck, Rebecca," he breathed into her ear, groaning when she lifted her hips up into his, her insides clenching and her nails digging into the skin of his back. She cried out as she came, her body stiffening under his. His thrusts started to become more erratic as he chased her high for his own, keeping her right up there with him until he stopped suddenly, pressing down into her so firmly with his whole body as he groaned out her name again and she held him tightly, still feeling tremors throughout and wanting to keep this moment for as long as she could.
He was hot and sweaty and heavy and wonderful, and she was going to take just one moment more, just one.
All too soon Nathaniel pulled back and Rebecca reluctantly loosened her grip on him, then smiled as he stretched out on his back and pulled her into his arms. She settled into his embrace easily, hooking her leg over his and resting her head on his chest. As her breathing started to finally even out, she relaxed into him fully, burrowing further into him as his arm squeezed her closer, his fingers drawing lines up and down her arm. She felt so comfortable and warm and content.
Which is not at all what she was supposed to be getting out of this. She frowned, snuggling closer to him to try and rid herself of the nervous feeling growing stronger and stronger in her chest, but it only intensified as he turned his head and pressed his lips into her hair. "Can I… can I use your shower?" she asked, twisting out of his arms and sitting back. "I just feel sticky. I feel sticky. So can I…?"
Nathaniel pushed himself up on his elbows, his eyebrows lifting as he looked up at her. "Oh – okay. Sure. There's towels –"
"I know," she said, climbing off of the bed and doing her best not to actually run into the bathroom.
She just needed a minute, that's all it was. Just a minute to calm down and squish her feelings back into the tiny little box where they couldn't hurt anybody. Then she could go back in there and have more fantastic, emotionless sex with her co-worker ex-boyfriend.
Or she could, you know, just go home, but…
Grabbing a towel from the cupboard under the sink, she put it on the bench in easy reach and then stepped into the shower, holding her hand under the stream until it hit the right temperature. After a few long seconds she moved under the water, letting it wash over her and wash away the tension that had absolutely no right to be there considering she'd just been so thoroughly fucked.
Except that's not what it had felt like. It had felt like making love. And no – no, they were not doing that.
No.
Nope.
Scrubbing at her face, Rebecca turned the tap to make the water hotter until it was just shy of scalding. Then, not feeling any better, she slumped against the shower wall and wrapped her arms around herself. That had been pure, inexcusable love making, and it had made her feel loved and warm and… and safe, and all of those things were great in a relationship, but the whole point was that she wasn't ready to have a relationship. Sex was fine, meaningless sex because sure, they knew how to get each other off insanely well so why not, but what had just happened was not meaningless. Not to her.
And surely not to him. Not from the tender way he'd held her. Not from the gentle way he'd touched her.
Deciding that she just had to wash away her sad and get out of here, Rebecca reached for the jumble of bottles sitting together in the shower caddy and was surprised to see the bottle of vanilla scented body wash that she'd left here. Grabbing the bottle, she squeezed some onto the palm of her hand and began to quickly wash herself, but her mind couldn't move past the body wash. Yeah, she'd left a bottle here when they'd been dating, but they'd broken up weeks ago now, and the more she thought about it the more certain she became that the bottle she'd left here had been almost empty. This one was practically full.
Because it wasn't hers, she realised belatedly, standing still under the stream as guilt and hurt and confusion washed over her in alternating waves. It was Mona's.
Or maybe he'd bought it for Mona. She didn't know, but the point was that she was using the body wash of someone who entirely had the right to be in Nathaniel's shower, in his bed, in his apartment, in his heart, and she had no claim to any of those things.
She was still standing frozen when she heard the bathroom door open quietly, didn't move when the shower door slid open. "You've been in here for ages," he commented mildly, stepping into the shower and closing the door behind him. "I figured if you're going to use all of my hot water I might as well join you."
Her heart sinking, Rebecca closed her eyes as his arms came around her waist from behind, pressing himself against her back, and he was so warm and hard and soft at the same time, his already wet skin so smooth and she wanted this, she wanted this so badly, she wanted for it to be hers and to have it all the time.
Most of all, more than anything, she wanted it to be something she could let herself have.
She felt sick at the idea of pushing him away when she wanted it so badly.
"This can't happen again," she said flatly, looking up at the ceiling but that only had her leaning back into him further, so she stepped out of his arms and turned to face him.
He didn't quite manage to hide his expression quickly enough that she didn't see his face fall, but then it straightened and he lifted his chin. "Obviously," he said firmly. "Like we said last time –"
"No, not like last time. I mean it." She crossed her arms over her breasts in a belated show of privacy. "This wasn't one time thing sex," she said, nodding in the general direction of his bed. "This was feelings sex. And we can't be having feelings sex right now. Actually," she said, shaking her head at herself, "we shouldn't be having any sex right now."
Nathaniel's shoulders slumped, his head tilting towards her. "Rebecca…"
"No," she said, holding up her hand between them and stepping back, but she stepped right back into the shower wall. She glanced behind her and then back at Nathaniel, noticed despite herself how the water from the shower stream hit his chest and trickled down his toned body. She didn't let herself look any lower, dropping her head into her hands instead. "Look, I can't have this conversation with you here."
"What – what conversation?" Rebecca didn't answer, stepping out of the shower and grabbing the towel, drying herself off with one hand as she reached for the bathroom door handle with the other. "Rebecca, wait –"
By the time he'd made it out of the bathroom she'd twisted her hair up in the towel on her head, had her underwear on, and was just stepping into her pants. She didn't look up at him, instead focusing on doing up her buttons as quickly as she could. "What's going on, Rebecca? Everything felt fine just before."
The fact that everything was so fine, so great, so amazing, was what the problem was. "Just like I said," she said, picking her blouse up from the floor and slipping it on. Pulling the towel from her head, she gave it a precursory rub and then draped it over the back of a chair. She'd deal with the mess of wet tangles when she got home. She certainly wasn't going to go hunting through his bathroom for a comb – who knows what female things that didn't belong to her she'd find. "We can't do this anymore. We're not doing this anymore."
"… Okay."
He spoke so hesitantly that she finally glanced up at him, scowling when she saw him standing there with just a towel hanging low off of his hips. He looked like he sounded – confused. "No, I mean it," she said firmly, turning to face him fully, staring at him imploringly. "I mean it, and I need you to mean it. Don't you understand?" she asked, starting to get frustrated. Did he really need her to spell it out for him? "I'm not going to be magically better in the next two minutes, and… and you need to focus on your actual girlfriend."
She felt guilty when she saw his shoulders tense up, but if she was being plagued by her conscience then so would he. God, she'd barely even given a thought to Mona over the past week or so that they'd been messing around, not seriously anyway, and now it was all bombarding her at once.
Nathaniel's jaw clenched, his temple twitching slightly. "I don't want to talk about Mona with you," he said, his voice firm but quiet.
Rebecca threw up her arms. "Yeah, well I'm sure she doesn't want you sleeping with women that aren't her!"
He let out his breath in one big burst, taking a few quick steps towards her but thankfully still stopping out of reach. "What am I supposed to do?" he asked in frustration, and she felt a stab of nervousness at the sudden desperation in his eyes. "I can't get you out of my head. I clearly can't stay away from you." Huffing a laugh that was all bitterness, he turned away from her, pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and his forefinger. When he turned back to her, he appeared calmer – well, slightly. He looked down at her helplessly. "But you don't want to be with me – no, I know," he said, talking over her as she tried to protest. "Can't be with anyone right now. And I get that now Rebecca, I honestly do. So… she gives me that."
He looked away as he said it, as though he couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes, and she got it, oh yeah she did. If she was feeling guilty then damn right, he should feel it twofold. "That's not right, Nathaniel," she pointed out. "Not while we're doing this. This," she said, gesturing between them until he reluctantly raised his eyes to meet hers again, "isn't just a one last time thing. It wasn't last time, and it wasn't the time before that. You know what I did today? I took that damned file from Paula knowing I could make someone else do it, went all the way home and put on my sexy underwear knowing that I was only going to take it off, and then walked up to your stupid door knowing full well that we'd be having sex within two minutes. How many more times is it going to happen? This is not fair, not to you, not to me, and especially not to Mona."
"Do you think I don't know that?" he asked angrily, taking the few steps to close the distance between them, forcing her to tilt her head back to look at him. "Do you think I haven't tried to stop?" He tilted his head, his brow smoothing as his anger faded suddenly. He sighed heavily. "I can't quit you," he said softly, reaching up to brush her wet hair back from her face.
She wanted him to, so badly. Wanted him to cup her face and kiss her and hold her and never let her go. Instead, she leaned back just before he touched her, and he got the hint, slowly letting his hand drop. "You have to," she said with all of the strength she had, which was to say very little at all, so her voice came out firm but quiet. Dropping her eyes to the ground, she took a deep breath and stepped past him, grabbing her purse from where she'd tossed it beside the door, and walking out of the apartment.
Closing her eyes, Rebecca took a long, deep breath as she waited for the elevator doors to open, willing them to take an extra second, just one, so she'd have one extra moment to prepare herself for the day.
It was Monday morning. The worst kind of Monday morning. She'd had a terrible sleep the night before, the line at the coffee cart had been insanely long, and now she was rocking up to work late. At least the only person to chastise her for it was herself so, yep, check that off the list of things to do this morning.
She paused at a few desks on her way to her office, torn between not wanting to talk to anyone and wanting to put off talking to Nathaniel for as long as possible. Unsurprisingly, he was already at his desk and at work when she eventually forced herself to go inside. Surprisingly, he looked up at her and smiled when she put her bag on the desk. "Morning," he said pleasantly.
Frowning uncertainly, she sank into her chair. This wasn't the awkward or tense mood she'd expected after she'd practically broken up with him for the second time. "Morning," she said carefully.
He pushed his chair back from his desk. "Want a coffee? I was just about to make one."
Smiling at him tensely, she lifted the take away cup she'd brought with her. "I'm all set."
Nodding, he took his mug and stepped out of the office. When she caught herself staring after him, Rebecca gave herself a shake and turned back to her desk, starting up her laptop and logging in absent-mindedly. That was… strange. She got the point, that he was putting their fling behind him, sure, fine, but she couldn't help but feel a little bit hurt that it seemed so easy for him.
This is what you wanted, she reminded herself, and straightened her shoulders. If he could be civil and polite and not weird, then so could she. When he came back into the office and took his seat, she closed her laptop half way. "How was the rest of your weekend?" she asked cheerfully.
"Oh, you know. It was fine." He took a long drink from his coffee and then turned to his laptop. "Mona and I broke up," he said casually.
Rebecca blinked, slowly leaning back in her chair. He… he and Mona… "Oh," she said quietly, unable to articulate anything more complicated than that.
She didn't even know how she felt about it.
Well, she knew how she felt about it, but she didn't know how she wanted to feel about it, or how she should feel about it, or really what she was supposed to be thinking at all.
Nathaniel seemed completely oblivious to the new internal conflict going on inside her. "You were right," he continued, looking at her straight on. "It wasn't fair on Mona. And even if we stopped doing –" he paused, waving his hand between them "-whatever this was, it's not fair for me to feel how I feel about you, and still be with her."
Rebecca looked down at her lap uncomfortably, twisting her hands together. He said it so plainly, so clearly, like it was nothing for him to just spill his feelings like that. "That's… that's a smart decision, Nathaniel, but it doesn't mean –"
"I know," he said quickly, and she raised her eyes just in time to see him look away from her. After a moment he looked up at her reluctantly. "I know it doesn't change anything for you. I didn't break up with her for you. I did it for her. And for me."
Silence fell between them, and she stared blankly at her computer screen without seeing it, wondering if it felt as stifling for him as it did for her. She sorted through her thoughts until she found something genuine that didn't have anything to do with whether it was good for her or not that Nathaniel was now single. The thing was, it was good for him. She was fairly confident that the man she'd first met wouldn't have broken off a relationship with someone because it was the right thing to do, although to be fair, she couldn't see that person in a relationship with anyone, ever.
Nathaniel – stone-cold, evil, elitist, Slytherin Nathaniel – had done something difficult, because he'd known they all deserved better than that.
She cleared her throat, slowly raising her eyes to meet his. If he could be brave, then she could too. "Do you think we could try to be friends? For real this time." As she said it, she realised just how important it was to her. "At least for while I'm trying to be better."
Nathaniel raised his eyebrows, tilting his head slightly. "And then?" he said carefully.
She didn't want him to wait for her. Well, she did, so badly, but she knew that it wasn't fair to ask it or expect it of him. And yes, his relationship with Mona was over, but she felt a twinge of fear as she thought of him moving on to someone else.
None of that mattered, though. She was focusing on herself, and she wasn't going to let him, and especially the idea of a potential him, get in the way of that.
Rebecca gave him a sad half-smile. "Then we'll see where we are then?" she asked, unable to keep a tiny bit of hope from her voice despite herself.
He smiled at her genuinely for the first time all morning, then nodded firmly. "Deal." Standing up, he walked around to her side of the desk and reached out his hand. Without thinking she reached out and shook it, and as one they froze, glancing to Nathaniel's side of the desk and then back at each other. Rebecca felt her face heating as she remembered the mirror image of this moment, barely a week ago, and saw that same memory playing across his face. His hand tightened on hers and she squeezed it back in reflex, biting down on her lip as she watched him swallow hard.
The spell was broken by Darryl calling out a greeting from the main office, and they sprang away from each other, Nathaniel jumping away from her as she pushed her chair backwards. Suddenly unable to look at him, she wheeled her chair back up to her desk and opened her laptop again, definitely not watching him out of the corner of her eye as he jumped back to his side of the room and sat behind his desk.
She wasn't going to think about how this might have ended if the office hadn't been full of people. "Maybe we should keep the rules," she mumbled.
"Yep." Clearing his throat, he tugged on his tie and shuffled some files around on his desk.
"Just until we get used to it," she added quickly.
"Mhmm."
This was going to be hard work.