A/N… I'll let you get to it.

~oOo~

Chapter 16

BELLA

The music was loud through my earbuds as I sat overlooking the Volterra grounds and the stars above me. I gazed down at the playlist on my phone, shaking my head. Clearly, Edward had created this one. It was soft and soothing, maybe a bit sad, but he knew me so well.

It was songs about feeling okay again and finding that one thing to keep going. And Edward being Edward threw in songs about endless love and leaning on someone who just wants to help. A lump formed in my throat at just how amazing my husband was to me.

He hadn't judged or scolded. He hadn't corrected or pushed. And he was willing to talk out anything. Anything. Flashbacks, my diet slip up, or the fact that we still weren't exactly green yet – he was willing to discuss any of it. We were close to being healed, but we weren't quite there. The guilt that it was me holding back swallowed me whole.

We'd made love, hidden away in our room more than hanging out with our family, and made plans concerning hunting, but I still felt off-kilter. I felt so wrong. And even though Edward and I were okay, I couldn't stop myself from withdrawing from it all.

Jasper appeared in front of me, taking a knee as I pulled out my headphones and tucked them back into their little charging case.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked softly.

"About what?"

He smirked a little. "About the guilt you can't seem to shake? About the fact that you can't get that music up loud enough when Ed's talking to Jake on the phone? About the fact that you and my brother are still hurting?"

My nose wrinkled a little. "Jesus, you can feel all of that?"

"Your shield is badass, baby girl, but it doesn't cover that face of yours," he teased a little, smiling when I snorted humorlessly. "And it doesn't cover the fact that you're avoiding most of us."

My gaze dropped to my phone as I turned it over and over in my hands. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. That's not what I'm here for, kiddo," he stated gently. "You're working through some shit. I get that. I'm the last one to judge any of it, but we all miss you, so I just wanted to see if you wanted to like…beat up Emmett or get your toes painted by Rose or watch a movie with Caroline."

I shook my head. None of those things interested me. There was a part of me that simply wanted to wrap myself up in Edward and grow roots. It seemed the only time I could take a deep breath was in his arms. In Edward's embrace, everything was okay; there weren't mistakes or impending wars or threats or flashbacks.

"Bells, look at me," he requested gently, covering my hand with his. When I glanced up, he tilted his head. "These feelings you're giving off are familiar, you know. Before you came along, I carried this same cocktail of emotions you're exuding." He nodded, tapping my chin lightly. "It's why I stopped playing music, why every damn day at every damn school was torture, and why every once in a while, I'd slip up and drain a human."

He stood, taking the bench across from me. "Guilt is an ugly thing, baby sister. I felt it all the time. I felt guilty that I was living with a diet I didn't have conviction to, but my mate, she needed that diet; even more, she needed the whole damn family. I felt guilt when my decision to fuck up made us have to move more times that I'd like to count."

My gaze met his, and he nodded. "Oh, yeah, and you know who was a fucking rock through all of it? Edward."

Grinning, I nodded. "I'm sure."

"My damn, if he didn't just roll his eyes, clean up my messes, and slap my back to keep going. I think he knew I was just going through the motions for Alice. I think he was secretly hoping it would eventually become habit. But he never judged me on it. Jesus, the late eighties and early nineties were a constant move." He shook his head a little but focused back on me. "And don't think I didn't know that Edward and Alice monitored me every minute of every school day. They thought they had some sort of silent communication, but no."

He sat forward, resting his arms on his knees. "Look, you know my past, my history. You know that I struggled until you came along, but you need to know that the only true fucking guilt I'd felt over any life I'd ever touched…was you." He bit his bottom lip as he shook his head slowly. "Jesus Christ, Bella, if I could take back anything in my life, it would be your birthday. My brother had suffered a century of loneliness and misery, cleaning up after every fucking one of us, and he'd finally found his mate. And I go and lose my shit." He huffed a sigh, squeezing his eyes closed. "That guilt, no matter how much you and Ed have forgiven me, will never go away."

I studied his face, really hearing what he was saying. "Is it because it started a chain of events that—"

"Yep," he interrupted me. "Yes. It's because it shattered my brother, who was unsure about love and mating, because you were human, and Rose was rather opinionated about humanity and regrets at the time. Because you were potent to Ed, and I felt it through him. Because you were meant to be with us, and I didn't respect it until it was too fucking late. And to watch my brother's tentative happiness deflate?" He shook his head sadly. "I'll never lose that memory or that guilt, Bells." He paused for a moment, and his voice went soft. "And I live with it, knowing what we left behind, what we came home to, and that it was partially, if not totally, my fault."

I swallowed thickly, meeting his gaze. "I killed a man who offered to help me. He thought I was a lost girl. He was a husband and a father."

Jasper nodded, saying, "Yeah, he was. But from what I could gather from everyone involved, and even what Edward saw through your mind, you were beyond cognitive thought. Kiddo, you didn't think Edward was real when he finally got to you. And that was after the guard. You thought the other half of your soul wasn't real, Bella. How much control did you expect to maintain? How much fucking blame do you need to place on yourself?"

I blinked rapidly at him, not knowing what to say to that.

"Look, we've all fucked up, but we were nowhere fucking near as low as you were when we slipped. We were just spoiled and belligerent. We were mentally weak, and I mean myself and the other members of the family who took a human life."

Nodding, I finally started to understand what they'd all tried to tell me.

"I was never supposed to slip," I whispered, wondering if that was the heart of my guilt – failure.

He huffed a laugh. "And you probably wouldn't have, but Caius put you in a position that gave you no choice. If anything, I'd think you'd want some get-back, some revenge. You're a fighter, Bells. You fought for us more times than I can count. You've pushed and pulled and loved my brother until he's a completely new man. You fought for him when you didn't even think he loved you back."

My mouth gaped open. "How could you possibly know that?"

"Because I was in the house when we came home to you," he answered firmly. "I felt it. You'd take one look at Edward, not believing a single thing he'd say. Oh, you wanted to believe it, but you were terrified. I still feel that same fear from you. Your flashbacks had to have been something fucking awful."

"I don't… I know Edward loves me."

Jasper grinned. "Yeah, that's not the fear anymore. You're afraid of Jake."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly through my nose. "I'm afraid of how those flashbacks made me feel. Like I'm there again. Like I'm suffering in pain without Edward, but no one around me cared. Jake and I started as friends, and it bubbled up into something poisonous. He would tell me he loved me, and then he'd hurt me all in the same fucking afternoon. As a human, those days are hazy but fairly memorable, coming back every now and then when something triggers it. The flashbacks I had in that underground cell? They felt so real."

"Okay, and from what Edward tells me, you'd turn that shit on the guy who was hurting you. Fuck, Bells, you ripped his arm off, his leg off, and slapped the nose off his fucking face three times. That's not fear. That's self-defense."

I huffed a laugh. "Maybe it's both."

"Maybe," he allowed, nodding a little. "I could see how it could be both."

"It felt different."

"I bet. Sometimes, that perfect recall is a bitch."

I cracked a grin. "Yeah, I suppose."

"You've been super fucking happy for years. A crystal-clear reminder of something bad is liable to fuck you up, darlin'," he drawled, wearing a grin. He got up and knelt before me again to take my hands in his. "Listen, Bella, we love you, and no one is blaming you for anything you did or for how you choose to deal with it. We are, however, very, very fucking proud of you for handling it the way that you did."

I blinked again, my eyes stinging. "Thanks. Love you, too," I whispered, my brow furrowing a little.

"Now, I'm gonna give you fair warning… Emmett may tote you off to hunt soon, just to pick a fight," he admitted with a crooked smile and a glance over my shoulder. "And the know-it-alls are coming."

I snorted into a laugh, glancing back toward the castle where Alice and Edward were walking our way. The latter rolled his eyes and shook his head. Alice acted like she didn't even hear Jasper. She strolled up, plopped down on the bench beside me, and set her head on my shoulder.

She picked up my hand and held it on her lap. "You should go hunting with Emmett, but stay inside the castle fences." She squeezed my hand, and I nodded that I heard her. "They can't get Catherine and Brandon on the phone, but I see them showing up here, so I let Marcus know. Also, Mark and Megan will be heading to the Forks house with the Denalis."

Jasper stood up from in front of me, and Edward took his place. "Hey, sweet girl. Eddie and Izzy said thank you for their last box you sent. And Anna told me to tell you that she understands why you're not talking to Jake but that you'd better call her ASAP." He picked up my other hand and kissed my fingers. "Neither are upset with you. You should know that."

I nodded a little, taking my hand from his and pushing it through his hair. Leaning in, I pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Okay. I'll call her later."

"Everyone, back off. It's my turn!" I heard Emmett behind me.

I locked gazes with a highly amused Edward, saying, "Yeah, guess I need to go."

It had been a few days since Edward and I had been hunting, the same night that Demetri had shown up with Archie and Brody. I suppose I was due. It really did feel like I was a newborn who needed constant monitoring.

"No, love. That's not it," Edward argued gently.

"I know. I have to get back into it. Never mind that my shield is back and working properly. Not a single human employee inside the castle is under threat. Promise," I vowed a little too sarcastically.

"Good," Edward said, kissing my lips. "Then it's working."

Sighing deeply, I stood. At this point, I was considering Edward for sainthood; not a thing seemed to ruffle him these days. Snarky comebacks, cranky belligerence, or complete and total silence didn't even phase him.

Edward smirked, standing up with me. "Not a saint," he countered. "I just love you, and I'm well aware that dealing with me in the beginning was no picnic."

Jasper and Alice cracked the hell up, and I just wrapped my arms around his middle and hugged him tight. I love you, Edward Cullen. And yeah… There was that whole whiplash situation.

He laughed, pressing kisses to the top of my head over and over. "I'm sure, baby."

"My turn!" Emmett growled again, practically yanking me away from everyone.

"Emmett!" they all yelled, but he totally ignored them, tossing me onto his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Em! I can walk!" I growled, fighting his strength, which shockingly worked. I landed on my feet, gaping up at him.

"Mmhm, human blood makes you stronger," he said softly, jerking his chin. "Let's go, baby girl."

I tucked my phone into the back pocket of my jeans and ran into the woods. It didn't take long to find the small herd of deer wandering slowly around the little pond. I took a buck and a doe before finding Emmett sitting on a rock by the water.

"Sit, Bells," he instructed gently, pointing toward the spot beside him. "I know that you had a shit time, and I just wanted to check on you."

I took a deep breath, staring out over the water. "I'm…" I started but trailed off, glancing up at him. "I'm… I can't shake it, Emmett."

He nodded, like he'd assumed as much. "Is it the human? Or is it something else?"

"The human… I killed him, but according to everyone, I was barely aware, so… I don't know." I shrugged, picking a flower and twirling it between my fingers. "When I was taken, I was…" I paused, wrinkling my nose.

"It scared the shit outta you, didn't it?"

I stared up at him, slowly nodding. "Yeah, it really did, but maybe not for the reasons everyone thinks. I hadto protect Esme, but I had to protect myself, too, because if something happens to me—"

"Something happens to Edward," he finished for me, taking a deep breath and letting it out. "You set Esme free in order to fight?" When I nodded, he went on. "That was fucking smart, baby sis. Not gonna lie. It's what any one of us would've done. Take away the one thing they could threaten you with, and I imagine that they did that quite a bit."

He was quiet for a minute but nudged my shoulder. "We need to train." He grinned when I groaned aloud. "Hang on, and I'll tell you why. You've seen them. Arch has seen them. We need to prepare for this shit coming up. But there's something specific I need you to work on, and it'll be you who has to instigate it, because Eddie… Ed had the shit scared out of him, too, so you've got to be the strong one here. We need to train like they could take him."

"I know," I admitted softly. "I didn't want to say it, but I know. They could get to him, turn his loyalty. And because he's this super-fast, mind-reading fighter, it'll only be me who can stop him. Am I close?"

"Spot on, kiddo," he said with a chuckle, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "Last thing… Jake." I nodded for him to go on, and he did. "I've never hidden my opinion about Black. I think Seth is fuckin' awesome, but Jake?" He sighed deeply. "Maybe it's because of all the shit he put you through when we left, but I always thought you were too soft on him. But here's what I know… You're not afraid of Jake. You're afraid of how those memories make you feel. Because let me tell ya, when we came back, the longer you dealt with him, the stronger you became."

He nodded when I gazed up at him.

"It's true, baby sis. We came home and stood behind you every damn day. And every time you had to deal with Jake, you were stronger, better, and happier. Ed had a lot to do with it, but you had us all behind you." He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "Honestly, my vote is that we take this shit home to Forks. The wolves would give us an advantage unlike anything else, despite my personal feelings for Black. Plus, you and Ed love going home. It might help."

I blinked rapidly up at my big brother, the one I'd wished I'd had my whole life. "I love you, big brother."

"Love you, kiddo," he said, pulling me into a big hug. "Don't fucking scare me like that again."

I grinned and nodded. "I'll do my best."

He stood, setting me on his shoulder again. "You always have, Bells."

~oOo~

EDWARD

"Just so you know, all your friends made it safely," Anna said to Bella over the phone. "Well, not Catherine and Brandon."

Bella was in our room, and we were all trying to give her privacy, but it was literally impossible not to hear them. I glanced down at the guitar in my hands as a few of us sat around in the seating area down the hallway.

"Yeah, Alice sees them coming here," Bella stated softly.

My sweet girl sounded better. I'd heard a little of what Jasper had said to her but not a single thing Emmett had told her. But out of both of those conversations, my wife had emerged a little brighter. She'd come back from hunting, saying that she was going to call Anna. With Anna, she could chat away, not about anything harmful – girl stuff, Forks gossip, the kids – and Anna was smart enough not to force anything with Jake.

Kevin and Adrian were playing video games with Jasper and Emmett. There was some major war against someone online. Caroline was teaching Archie all about the addiction to TikTok, which was humorous all on its own. Rose and Alice were bored to distraction. And I realized just how much my Bella held us together. Frowning, I picked a few random notes. I wanted to go wrap my girl up, but I wanted to pull her into the room with the rest of us at the same time. It was a split option in my mind.

We were all going a bit stir crazy. We were all still a target, so Marcus wanted us to stay close. Since we knew that Caius had sent scouts for Bella, then we needed to keep her safe. That went for Carlisle and me as well. Eventually, we'd have to leave the castle grounds to hunt, or we'd all deplete what Marcus had inside his walls. But no one was going alone. It would be a group or not at all. And that included Demetri, who was just about to go crazy with worry over all of it.

I picked a few more notes, ignoring the instructions over the video game and the laughter from Caroline and Archie. I focused more on Bella's conversation with Anna because it had taken a more serious turn.

"You know, he's not upset," Anna told her softly. "In fact, he said that if you guys brought the fight here, that he'd gladly let you beat him up."

Bella huffed a laugh. "In or out of wolf form?"

Anna snorted. "Either. But wolf would probably be more of a fair fight."

Bella sighed, saying, "It's not him. It's the memories. I thought I'd moved on."

"You have, but this Greta bitch's talent messed you up. Look, I had a friend in Canada who was assaulted, and she barely remembered any of it…until a smell would hit her – a man's cologne or something. And then she was a mess for a bit. It happens to everyone who's been through something harsh.

"And we can all sit here and say that Jake was not in control or that his wolf temper was too much, but even I don't buy that. I think he wanted something that could never be, and he tried to fight it. He ended up fighting you. I think jealousy played a huge part, because Jake was just about stupid with his hate for vampires back then. He couldn't have what he thought he wanted, because you were already mated to Edward. Just because you're immortal and impervious and super fucking strong doesn't mean that stuff can't get to you."

"I should know this shit," Bella muttered, and I didn't even need to see her face to know that she rolled her eyes at herself. "I mean, I'm a fucking psychologist."

Anna cracked up. "Yeah, well, it's hard to turn that knowledge on yourself."

"True." Bella went quiet for a moment, her mind closed to me, but she told Anna that she needed a bit of time and ended the call with promises to call back with updates.

Emmett's mind was the loudest in the room. Is it wrong I want her to beat the shit out of him?

Grinning, I shook my head and met his gaze. "I don't know. If she attacks him like she did Niko, Anna would be a widow," I stated, raising my eyebrow at him.

"And?" he asked aloud.

Emmett had never withheld his feelings about Jacob, but that was the protective big brother in him, and there was a tiny part of him that blamed us all for leaving Bella in the first place. I let him have his thoughts. I was beyond caring about Jacob Black. He held no power between Bella and me anymore. He was merely bad memories for her. He'd never shied away from the responsibility of what he'd done. He owned it, and he'd matured with it. And I'd seen his mind more times than I could count. He loved my Bella now almost like a sibling. He guarded her stepbrother, Seth, and her father as a way to make amends, and he did it, knowing that there was no way he'd ever atone.

That's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that nothing could ever make up for mistakes made.

Ping!

"Dammit," I grumbled, glaring at the broken string on my guitar.

Suddenly, a new pack of strings were being held out in my direction.

"I heard that break all the way into our room, handsome," Bella teased, kissing my forehead. "What the hell?"

Grinning, I huffed a laugh because the whole room was amused. "Thanks, sweet girl." I took the pack from her, kissing her fingers.

I suppose you heard that conversation. Her thoughts were soft.

"Yes, ma'am." I set my guitar and the pack of new strings aside and pulled her to my lap. "You okay?"

She nodded, smiling a little. I know I need to talk to him, but not yet.

I met her gaze. "Maybe," I allowed, shrugging a shoulder. I didn't say much more. There was a reason this conversation was happening silently.

She took my face in both hands, pressing kisses to my lips. I love you, and I'm sorry I've been so messed up. I'm sorry it's me who's holding back. And I know you were scared too.

"I was. Very much so," I answered her, holding back a smirk at the curiosity creeping up around us. "We've got time, you know."

She grinned, letting out a light laugh. "Yeah. I suppose we do."

I kissed her quickly. "Speaking of…" I reached into my jeans pocket. "I found something of yours." I pulled out the bracelet I'd gotten her for our anniversary, hooking it back around her wrist. "Found that when I was trying to get to you."

"No way!" she gasped, fingering the jewelry and meeting my gaze. "I thought… I was sure it was on that mountain somewhere!"

I shook my head. "I think you dropped it on purpose," I told her, and now every last member of our family was drawn into the conversation. "There was nothing broken, and it didn't look like it had been yanked off. Bella, I think you were aware enough to drop it just outside that car."

"No shit?" Emmett asked, pausing the game. "Like a trail or hint or some shit?"

"That's beautiful," Rose whispered, smiling a little at the fact that it matched Bella's ring. "Seriously, you found this on the road?"

Nodding again, I sighed when Bella pressed kisses to my cheek. "Thank you!" she whispered against my jaw. "I thought for sure it was gone. It made me upset because you'd just given it to me."

"Let me see," Caroline and Alice said at the same time, pulling my girl from my lap.

"Don't you two start that shit!" Jasper teased them, just to make the room lighter. "It's bad enough Bella and Alice already speak in stereo occasionally."

Caroline rolled her eyes up to Bella's. "Whatever." She took Bella's hand, and she and Alice crooned over the bracelet. "Is that your writing?"

"Yes," I answered, eyeing the word Forever written on the little plate next to the garnet. Bella loved my handwriting, but even more, she'd written our story and had it published under the title Forever. It was a way for me to bring our past, our history into a simple gift for our anniversary.

Each of them were drawing their own conclusions, but Caroline understood it perfectly. She tied it all up to Bella's book and what it meant. But she'd been attached to that book when she was human, so it made sense that it was the first place her mind went.

I looked to her with a chuckle. "Exactly."

She giggled, ruffling my hair. "Nice!"

"I've learned that Heavy E is killer at this present buying thing," Kevin piped up, falling down in the seat next to mine. "I'd blame the mind reading, but no, I don't think so."

Adrian, though, was thinking some interesting theories, and he actually voiced them out loud. "So wait, you think she dropped that on purpose? Even under Greta's power?"

"I do," I answered him, and everyone stopped talking. "Just between all of us, I think that Bella's and my connection kept her from being completely taken over by that power. As painful as it was, it didn't hold her."

Bella nodded a little. "I think you're right. Despite the memories, her power wasn't strong enough to keep me."

"The pain brought you back, but just you. Brody and Esme would've continued to stay under that power had it not been broken," I surmised, shrugging a shoulder.

Bella's mind was in agreement. She was trying to remember Chelsea and the day she and Jane had tried to take Jasper, Emmett, and me. Her gaze met mine when she realized that I'd rubbed my sternum, even under Chelsea's power.

"Oh," I gasped, my mouth hanging open. "Chelsea didn't completely take me either."

"No, she didn't," she stated firmly. "Edward, that information scares the shit out of me because they could use it."

"I know," I agreed easily.

Emmett stood up and nudged Bella. "We need to train. For that specifically. These assholes are gunning for you two and Carlisle. We need to cover all possibilities."

Alice and Rose groaned aloud, but Bella, who always complained about training, stayed quiet.

"You agree?" I asked, my mouth hanging open. "Seriously?"

Bella grimaced, nodding a little. "Edward, they know what you are, what you're capable of, and if they thought for one second they could turn you to their side? Holy shit, they would totally do it."

Jasper winced but stepped forward. "She's got a point, brother. And we all know she's the only one who could stop you."

"Then we should train," we heard behind us.

We all turned to face Carlisle, who was standing there with Esme, Marcus, Carina, and Demetri.

"All of us," Demetri added with a nod. "I'd say wait until Catherine and Brandon show, because her power would work as a decent substitute, but we can start something."

Marcus's mind was worried, but he met my gaze and said, "I don't have his numbers, so we need all the preparation we can get."

Alice stepped forward. "You will. Word has already gotten out. And if it doesn't, then you can send representatives."

"Alice, you're a target, too," Marcus argued.

"But Kevin, Adrian, Rose, and Emmett aren't," she countered softly. "Hell, Archie and Caroline, too."

"Anyone with golden eyes is going to be a target," Demetri stated, holding up his hand. "Just hold off on that for now."

"Unless we get to his people before they have a chance to get to us," Archie stated from his spot in the back of the room. "I know where they are, and I could sneak back in."

That brought everyone to a standstill, but he was right. We could essentially attack first just to reduce the numbers on Caius's side. Marcus's eyebrows shot up, and he seriously considered that option.

I stood, nodding. "Actually, we could train for all of that." I turned to Bella. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure I need to protect you, us." She motioned to everyone around us. "Them. I know that I have an advantage," she said, tapping her temple, which meant her ability to shut out her mind. "I just have to work on catching you."

They all laughed, which made me grin, because this was the most interaction she'd given since she'd gotten back. This was the brightest spark I'd seen in what seemed like weeks. If training to protect me made her this engaging, then I was in. All in. Maybe some football or capture the flag or even sparring would keep that fire in her eyes. Maybe what my girl needed was peace of mind, a reminder that she was still in control and powerful.

"Okay, smart girl, let's do this."

~oOo~

A/N… This became one of my favorite chapters due to the big brother talks. Both of them. It made Jenny a little teary and one of the pre-readers too.

Before you guys ask, I am adding the main songs Edward put in a playlist for Bella to the YouTube list for this story. I used a few, but below are the ones I listened to the most while writing.

Added to the playlist:

"Feel Ok" by hunnybunny
"Run with Me" by Calum Scott
"I Will Carry You" by Ruelle

Okay so the next chapter will be next Sunday. I'll try to work in an extra update after that one. Until then… Mooches, Deb ;)