Kylo Ren frowned at the only parcel he had not yet opened. Unlike the other items he had received today, this one was not perfectly wrapped with quality paper and precisely cut tape or ribbons. Quite the contrary, this package appeared to be wrapped in plain, slightly torn, recycled brown paper. Nobody who belonged to the First Order would send him something that looked so lazily put together, out of fear that he would take it as a sign of disrespect for his esteemed position.
He lowered his spoon and let it lay beside the bowl of cereal. This was a suspicious package…
His first thought was… "Is there a thermal detonator grenade inside!? Was it an assassination attempt by the resistance or the revenge attack of a disgruntled minion that he'd booted up the arse, one too many times?"
He used the Force to carefully probe this box of mystery. He sensed nothing untoward and let out a breath which he hadn't realised he'd been holding. It would not have been the first time he'd been obliged to disarm an incendiary device at a dinner table, but he was relieved he didn't need to worry about doing it this morning.
"What the heck was it though?" he thought curiously. He picked up the parcel. It was not heavy. He then shook it a little and something quietly rattled inside. He looked at the label and scoffed. It was written in very messy black ink and did not include a Galactic Postcode. He was surprised it had made it to him at all. He turned it over and spied the post office stamp. It had been sent about four hours ago by first-class light speed delivery from a depot which used a Republic logo… "It's from a rebellion-held world," he thought to himself. "The plot thickens…"
He promptly broke the seal on the packet and pulled it open. He was immediately greeted with a waft of foul-smelling vapour! He wrinkled his nose in disgust and held the packet at arms-length whilst covering his nose and mouth with part of his robe. It smelled like a cross between a trash-compactor and Supreme Leader's Snoke's socks. Ren carefully turned the box upside down and let the contents empty onto the table.
A red envelope had fallen out along with a shower of crumbs and a misshapen green lump of… something, which was obviously the source of the terrible stench. He picked up the curious object and realised it was some kind of bread-like product. He squeezed the mound and found it to be hard and stale. He searched his memory and nodded to himself as he recalled he had seen similar loaves when he'd paid a token visit to the grunts on the lower decks. This was commoner food called 'portion bread'.
"Why in the hell would someone send a man as sophisticated as Kylo Ren a piece of portion bread?" he thought angrily.
He let the bread fall back to the table and it made a 'thunk' sound as it landed. He picked up the card then.
From outward appearances he guessed it was another valentine's card. "If this is a prank, I will hunt down the perpetrator and show them the full power of the Dark Side," he swore to himself.
The envelope was covered in grease stains from the portion bread; he turned it over in his hands. Along the seal, written in capital letters was the acronym S.W.A.L.K.
"Sealed with a Loving Kiss?!" he thought incredulously, "Only a girl could have written something so stupidly fluffy… Had he actually received a card from a girl?"
He opened the envelope without further delay and eagerly pulled out the valentine's card inside. Ren thought the picture on the front looked like it had been drawn by a child. There was a large, unevenly proportioned pink heart with two crooked lightsabers crossed over the front. The red one kind of looked like his lightsaber and the blue one looked like… hers.
Kylo Ren's heart skipped a beat… could it be that Rey had sent him the package?
He opened the card up, his breathing quickened as a read the message inside:
'R4 is red, R2 is blue, if I was the Force, then I'd be with you.'
He scoffed instinctively, it was such a cliché phrase, but he didn't care…
He closed his dark eyes and tried to remain calm. Was it possible that the scavenger girl who had bested him in battle and whom he thought about every night in bed… actually fancied him as well? She actually wanted to be with him?
The card was signed off with 'Hugs and Kisses'.
He smiled wickedly "Oh my poor, naïve little Jedi! You're so sweet and innocent," he thought. In Kylo Ren's fantasies he imagined her giving him much more than mere hugs and kisses. She definitely needed a teacher and a dark lord like himself could show her the perverted ways of the Force…
He jerked his filthy mind out of the trough reluctantly but firmly. He needed to be sure this was not a joke or some kind of resistance plot to lure him into an ambush. He analysed the card further. There seemed to be a long brown hair stuck to it, held in place by some sticky gunk. He pulled the hair away and examined it. Using the force he honed his senses… There was no doubt this hair belonged to Rey, it smelled like Rey! This gooey, gross hair confirmed his wildest hopes! Rey had sent him this valentine's card!
He slammed his fist down in triumph! Unfortunately in the euphoria of the moment he was not paying attention to his surroundings and the gloved-hand punched down into his bowl of cereal, sending blue milk and Imperial Honey Nut Rings flying everywhere. Ren cursed, and quickly moved his precious valentine card away from the mess.
His thoughts returned to the portion bread again. So that had been her Valentine's treat for him. His initial revulsion to the loaf now turned to delight. He picked it up once more and touched it to his cheek. He understood perfectly now. Rey was a scavenger, living in poverty on a grotty rebel-scum base. She could not afford to give him fancy chocolate or cakes, so she'd instead sent him 'poor-people food' because it was all she had to offer.
"She must have gone without food for a whole day, just to give me this," he thought with wonder. "She must truly love him and want to live with him forever." Kylo Ren suddenly had a vision of the future:
He and Rey were getting married in a traditional Sith ceremony, he was dressed in his formal Knight of Ren regalia and she was wearing a sexy black leather wedding dress. They'd have their reception on the bridge of a Death Star and sit on raised twin thrones as they watched the destruction of an enemy planet below. They would feel millions of voices cry out and cheer before, suddenly being silenced. The guests assembled would toast them with Endorian Wine before they left for a hot and steamy Dagobah honeymoon.
Surely this vision was Force-inspired he determined. The Dark Side demanded that Rey had to become his girlfriend… now! But he needed to figure out how to make this happen and what his next steps should be. Valentine's Day was actually tomorrow on Sunday, so he still had time to post her a card in return, but he must get to work quickly.
Holding on to both the valentine card and the portion bread, he walked over to large mantelpiece on the main wall of his suite. This was the focal point of his quarters. A large and domineering portrait of his grandfather, Darth Vader hung above the mantelpiece and below it he had displayed all of his most treasured relics: An urn of his grandfather's ashes, the charred skull of his Great Uncle Owen, the cut-off hood of Obi Wan Kenobi's Jedi Robe and a glass jar containing a toenail that once belonged to Emperor Palpatine. He placed the card in the middle of the mantelpiece so it would be clearly visible to any visitors.
He would have liked to place the portion bread on a display as well, but knew it would soon start to go mouldy. Instead Ren decided to keep it in the carbonite freezer of his kitchen where it could be preserved forever. The thought of eating it did cross his mind, but he knew it would cause him to pass a brick in the fresher the next day, so decided against it.
With his gifts from Rey adequately displayed and stored, he sat down at his computer console to create a suitable valentine's card to give to Rey. Ren preferred to use technology for artistic tasks; he knew he could not draw for shit! He'd also need to visit the Finalizer's florist, so he could give her some flowers when he joined her on D'Qar. Speaking of which, he needed to start his journey there pretty damn quick!
He flicked the communicator switch on his console. "General Hux, would you join me in my quarters? " he said into the speaker. "Yes Ren," Hux responded quickly over the intercom, sounding surprised but slightly happy too for some reason.
Kylo Ren sensed the General arrive and used the Force to open the door automatically. There was no time to observe formalities today. Hux was not wearing his First Order officer's cap and his red-gold hair was perfectly styled as usual. "So vain!" thought Ren as he hypocritically ran his hand through his own designer black waves. He'd been so distracted by the events of this morning that he had forgotten to put his helmet on when using the communicator and receiving guests. Hux was staring at him and Ren could sense that the man's thoughts were directed to this fact.
"General Hux, I have received a very special valentine's card today and I feel the need to thank the sender personally."
The general smiled and looked excited, "why?" Ren wondered. Hux was normally pissed off when Kylo Ren was happy and vice versa.
"Really?! I'm so pleased" Hux said starting to approach him.
"We must set course to the D'Qar rebel base immediately, hyper-light speed, it's time my beloved Rey was by my side where she belongs!" stated Ren
"Oh..." said Hux, stopping still, before looking at the card on the mantelpiece. "I see," he finished; looking disappointed. Ren chortled to himself as he continued to work on his computer console. He wagered Hux would not receive a single valentine's card this year. He did not think the guy had ever had a girlfriend.
"Very well," said Hux dryly. "I assume we will be attacking and destroying the base as part of this mission?" Kylo Ren nodded as he typed on his keyboard. "Of course we will!" he responded tetchily and began to outline his strategy further.
"We'll need to send in five Star Destroyers and ten squadrons of TIE fighters. Tell Captain Phasma to send in twenty legions of stormtroopers as well. Inform all personnel that tomorrow will be a Valentine's Day that will be long be remembered throughout the galaxy, it will see the destruction of the rebellion and it'll be my first date with Rey.