***CHAPTER WARNING***

This chapter will not be an easy one to read. There are scenes of severe depression and self harm. If these are things that are difficult for you to tolerate, then I would suggest skipping this chapter.

If I had known that Edward was going to show up when he did, I probably never would have made the cut. I spent over a week in the hospital behind that incident because the doctors needed to make sure that all the surgery went well and that there wouldn't be any significant nerve damage. It turns out I couldn't even kill myself right. There was a wrong way to cut your wrists…who knew…plus while I managed to make a deep cut, I didn't manage to sever anything completely. All of that coupled with Edward's showing up at home at the right time, was just enough to keep me from finally finding my escape.

Edward knew what I had done; at least I think he did, because all he said about the entire thing was that I was being dramatic and attention seeking. My parents on the other hand, once they spoke to Edward, reamed me out for spitting in God's face and causing a slew of problems for the family as far as the media were concerned. They started really shutting me out and distancing themselves after that. As far as the public was concerned, the entire thing was reported as a kitchen accident. The official press release stated that there was a leak in the kitchen and I slipped while carrying a few glasses, receiving some severe lacerations in the process.

Once I got home from the hospital, Edward really went off. He complained about having to fix my mess once again, and how I potentially cost him millions of dollars from the meetings he had to miss, and jeopardized the jobs of at least 200 employees when he had to reschedule the budget restructuring meeting to later in the month. I already felt bad enough, but seeing how Edward acted once I got home solidified everything for me. Not once did he ask if I was okay, if I wanted to try finding someone to help me, or if I even just wanted to talk to him. All I got out of him was two days after I got back home, was him telling me that I had to say goodbye to the kids tonight when we put them to bed because I'd be going away for a while in the morning so that I could, as he put it, get my act together and my head on straight.

"You need to say goodbye to the children tonight Isabella." Edward says flatly from behind his newspaper.

"What? Why?" I ask, confused as to what is going on.

Slamming his paper down on the table, he glares at me, as if everything that has ever gone wrong is my fault. Maybe it is, I'm not really sure anymore.

"You're going away for a while Isabella. To a retreat. It's in Utah. I think it'll help you get your head back on straight so you can stop all this childish attention seeking behavior." Edward's voice holds a tone of finality to it, as if the decision has already been made, as if I have no say at all in the matter.

"But Edward…what if I don't want to go?"

"That's not an option Isabella. This whole kitchen incident has been a clusterfuck of epic proportions. You have no clue the damage control I've had to do…with the press, at work, and more importantly with our kids. Do you have any idea how badly you scared them? How selfish can you be Bella? Did you even think what would have happened if Sammi or one of the boys managed to find you like that?" I can hear it in his voice…the worry, the fear. That and his mentioning the kids, it's the closest he's ever come to outright saying that I tried to take my own life.

The reality of what I had done wasn't even mentioned at the hospital. I don't know what he said to the doctors or who he paid off, but nothing was ever said about me being a risk to myself. No psychologist was ever brought in to talk to me. The only doctors who saw me were the attendings, the surgeon, and the guy from the physical therapy department to discuss when I would be starting to work with him.

"Isabella," Edward sighs. "You are going. It's for three weeks. The kids have already been told and I've arranged to stay home while you're away. Think of it as a vacation at a health spa."

I don't bother saying anything else. I know there is no point in arguing since the decision has already been made. The easiest thing to do now is just go along with it. Ignoring Edward, I go to our room to pack some bags, but as soon as I walk in the door I see that there are three suitcases already packed and waiting.

I don't know how to feel about it all. I'm sure if Edward had approached me and talked everything through with me first, I probably would have been more open to this whole idea, but he just made the decision for me, ignoring my needs and wants like what I have to say doesn't matter. I head into the bathroom and change the bandage on my arm before taking my pain meds and crawling into bed. I drift off to sleep as the tears stream down my face, feeling more alone than ever.

I don't know what Edward thought he'd accomplish by sending me away. He told me that the trip would help, that it would be good for me. I finally got a glimpse of just how scared I had made him the morning I left. I had been trying to come up with a way out of the trip, but he hugged me so tightly, and whispered in my ear, pleading with me as he said "Please go Isabella. I don't know where my Bella is, but she isn't here and I need her back. Go on this trip, do what you need to do and then come back to me." His eyes held so much fear and worry; there was no way I could deny him. I nodded my head, agreed, kissed him and climbed into the car and headed on my way.

The place Edward sent me to was a far cry from any place that could have helped me. How sitting in circles chanting and singing Kumbaya, riding horses, and getting mud baths was supposed to help a suicidal individual is beyond me. Sure it was relaxing, but it wasn't what I needed. I needed my family to care, to make me feel loved and special and important. All I got was a room in a place where I was surrounded by snobby people who I didn't know and who didn't want to know me. I had way too much time to myself to think, and all I could think about was how when I cut myself I finally felt free from the pain and at peace. I loved my family dearly with all my heart, but I wasn't sure how much more I could bear if nothing at home changed.

That's when I decided I needed a contingency plan in place. During my "vacation" I spent my time working out the details of my new plan, figuring out what I would do if things got really bad again. It was a small comfort to know that I had a way out. The problem came when all I could think about was the plan, and how it would be a quick fix for all the hurt I was feeling, but I managed to remind myself it was my last resort option, especially when I knew I'd be watched like a hawk once I got home.

I was right. Once I got back from my "retreat," Edward's mother was over the house all the time. Out of everyone I think she might have been the only one to really see what was going on with me. She would look at me sometimes like she understood, like she had been in my shoes once too. I never asked about it and she never said anything either. Maybe one of us should have, things might have gotten better if one of us had spoken up. I was never really left alone with the kids, and Edward made no attempts to try to make things better at home. I tried several times to talk to him about everything, but he just told me to put on my big girl panties and act like a responsible, mature adult. He flew off the handle when I mentioned me seeing a therapist, immediately squashing that idea all together.

Eventually Edward's mom came over less and less, and our family slipped back into its routine that we had from before the incident as it had come to be known. That routine, the constant aloneness, slowly drove me closer and closer to the edge. Alice and Rose stopped contacting me all together. I'm not sure if it was because they didn't know how to act around me anymore, or if they just couldn't be bothered to have a nutcase for a friend but either way, my last two connections to the world outside my family were severed.

It got harder to get through the days, and Edward was on my case more and more for not taking care of myself or doing enough to keep the house maintained. I just felt like a human shell, a robot moving on autopilot day after day. That's when I knew it was time to turn the contingency plan into the actual plan. Edward seemed to always have to do everything for me, or redo it after I had, so all I could manage to think was what was the point anymore…it was obvious that my family didn't need me, they were better off without me.

I started keeping my eye out, looking for a way to make my plan come together, when I finally was granted a golden opportunity. Edward and I were going to dinner as Rose and Emmett's house. Even though Rosalie had distanced herself from me, she was still one of the top chefs in town, and Edward wanted her to cater some corporate event he was planning, so it was agreed that we'd go to their house for dinner so they could plan out the menu.

As dinner wound down, Emmett offers for me and him to clear the table so that Edward and Rose can work. The two of them make their way to the living room, as Em and I start carrying the dishes into the kitchen. Emmett has always been nice to me, even with everything that has happened.

We clear the table, rinsing and loading the dishes into the dishwasher. He makes small talk with me, and for a moment I almost feel normal. I've forgotten what it's really like having a conversation with someone, having someone actually care about and listen to what you have to say.

After the last of the dishes are loaded, I excuse myself to the bathroom, passing Em and Rose's home office along the way. Just as I walk past the door, a glint of silver on the desk catches my eye. I do a double take and finally realize what it is. Em has always enjoyed going to the shooting range as a form of stress relief. I guess he must have gone and forgotten to lock his gun away afterwards.

Checking to see no one is coming down the hall, I quickly sneak into the office, swiping the gun and a few bullets, tucking the gun into the back of my pants and shoving the bullets into my pocket. I shut the gun case and make sure it locks before I head back out to the living room where Edward is waiting for me so we can head back home. I offer him a smile, the first genuine one to cross my face in a while, content in knowing that everything I need for my plan to be carried out is finally falling into place.

A/N: So yeah….Isabella is scheming. Whether or not she uses her contingency plan remains to be seen. Not much more that I can say about that. If you're still with me, send me a review, I'd love to hear your thoughts on everything.