Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does. I'm just playing with her toys.
A/N: There is a song used in this chapter, it is Somewhere Out There (the actual movie version with the mice singing) from the movie An American Tail. If you've never heard the song, or even if you have, I highly suggest listening to it while reading the end part of the chapter.
EPOV
"Bella? Are you sure you're okay?" I ask, worried about my wife who has been locked in the bathroom for the past twenty minutes. I knock on the door again, pleading with her to let me in, but there's no answer.
"Isabella! I'm freaking out here. Can you at least answer me…Bella! I swear to God if you don't answer I'll break the door down!"
I hate yelling, but she's been sick for weeks now…always throwing up, never really having an appetite any more…and I'm worried, I don't know what I would do if something was wrong with her.
Finally I hear the click of the lock on the door and a very worn out Bella walks back into our bedroom. Looking her over, I can tell she's thrown up again. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyes are red…I really need to make her go see the doctor.
"Bella" I sigh. "I don't want an argument from you. You've been sick for weeks now. You need to see the doctor."
All of a sudden, she looks very nervous. I know Bella hates dealing with going to the doctor, but she's never looked nervous like this before. Maybe she knows something is wrong? My mind immediately starts running through all the various diseases and illnesses that she might have and I make a mental note to start researching best physicians in the country to care for her. I'm sure I have a few people from the CDC on speed dial at work.
"Edward" she says, her voice hoarse and almost a whisper. "I agree, I probably should go to the doctor, but…I think I know why I've been so sick."
Oh God. I feel my heart stutter to a halt in my chest. She's sick…she knows what's wrong and hasn't told me. It's got to be serious if she's hiding it…
"Breathe Edward" she whispers to me as she takes my hand and leads me to sit on the bed, taking the spot next to me.
"I've kind of suspected for a while now, but …well now I know for sure." Bella explains, as she pulls a white stick out of her pocket, handing it to me, a huge grin on her face.
I look from the stick to Bella and back again, taking note of the plus sign on it. I'm utterly dumbstruck. I know what that plus sign means, and I know I should be saying something, but I haven't a clue as to what it should be.
"Well…say something Daddy" Bella says nervously, her eyes quickly starting to shift from happiness to concern.
"Are you sure?" I manage to mutter.
"The box said its 99% accurate. Are…are you not happy?" she questions worriedly.
"What? Oh God…Bella, of course I'm happy. I'm just shocked is all. I've been so worried about you being sick all the time, I had myself convinced you had some weird disease and that I was going to have call in some favors at the Center for Disease Control to make sure you got better."
Bella just stares at me blankly. I think my word vomit has stunned her into silence.
Looking back down at the pregnancy test in my hand, the enormity and the reality of the situation hits me. My Bella is having a baby, my baby…I'm going to be a father, and I couldn't be happier about it.
"I'm going to be a daddy" I say softly, a smile creeping across my face.
"And I'm going to be a mommy" Bella replies, a smile on her face as well.
I can't help myself, and scoop Bella in my arms and spin her in circles as I try to contain my excitement. The two of us can't contain our excited laughter as I plop us both onto the bed, where we spend the next several hours celebrating our impending parenthood.
I'm jolted out of my daydream as I feel three small bodies collide into mine and try to hug me. They know something is wrong. I can see it in my children's eyes. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. Bella always handled the more serious conversations, the difficult stuff with the kids. I'm not equipped for this.
"Daddy, where's Momma?" Sammi asks me, and I have to bite my lip to hold back the sob that threatens to escape. She looks so much like her mother it hurts, but I can't break down…not now, not in front of the kids. I need to be strong for them, but I feel like I'm holding on to a thread. I look up at my friends and mother who are standing in the entry way to the room, pleading with my eyes for them to throw me a rope here, but they don't. After offering apologetic looks, they all turn and leave me to deal with telling my children something that will utterly tear their world apart.
Bending down, I pick up my baby girl, settling her on my hip as I walk over to the couch and sit down, positing Samantha on my lap.
"Come here boys. I need to talk to you about something very very important." I say.
My heart is pounding in my chest and my throat feels like it's going to close. I don't know how to do this. There's no manual for this, no Tragedy Talk for Dummies book that can give me instructions.
"Are you okay Dad? Is Mom here? How come we had to leave camp to come to Nana's house?" Michael asks in quick succession. He may look like me, but his personality is that of his mother…I miss her more than I ever thought possible already, and I'm again fighting back the tears.
Clearing my throat, I figure it's now or never.
"Well that's what I wanted to talk to you about buddy." I start, almost freezing like a deer in headlights as I feel the eyes of all three of my children focused solely on me.
"Do you all remember when Father Garrett talked about heaven in Sunday school?" I ask, hoping this is the easiest way to do this…the best way to do this without royally fucking up my children's emotional well-being.
"Duh Dad. Heaven is where Jeevus lives. Its way up in the sky where we can't see it." Michael tells me.
"Jesus, Michael. His name is pronounced Jesus. But that's right. Heaven is where Jesus lives."
"Why are we talking about heaven Pop? Where's Mom? Why are we talking about heaven and Mom's not here, and…and…heaven is where Grampa went when I was little cause he died. Why isn't Mom here Dad? I want Mom!" Elliot says as the tears start pouring down his face. I can see it in his eyes…he knows something's wrong. I need to do this, and do it fast, before they get any more worked up.
"That's what we need to talk about El." I explain, rubbing his back with my free hand in an attempt to soothe him.
"Mom isn't here right now. She had an accident and got really really sick." I manage to get out before my own tears start falling.
"Well, can we call her on her cell phone and ask her to get better and come home now?" Sammi asks me.
Oh how I wish it were that simple, I think to myself.
"I'm sorry baby, but we cant." My voice cracks and I have to take a breath to calm down before I keep talking.
"Do you remember your pet fish baby? How you woke up that one morning and they were sleeping and wouldn't wake up?"
I see my daughter nod her head, and I can only hope I'm explaining this right, that she'll understand…on some level at least.
"Well sweetheart, that's kind of what happened with Mommy. You see, Mommy is very sick. She got a really bad boo boo and when that happens to people like it did to Mommy, they sometimes have trouble waking up."
I hope they understand. I can't explain in more detail, they don't need to know the details, even if that quack doctor at the hospital told me to be as honest as possible with them…that it would be better for them to understand as much as possible and hear it from me rather than someone else later on.
"And now she's up in heaven with Jeevus forever?" Michael asks, tears welling in his eyes as he realizes his mommy isn't here.
"Not exactly buddy" I say softly. "Mommy's in the hospital and the doctors there are working very hard to make her better, but she might have to go and live with Jesus from now on." I reply, not bothering to correct his mispronunciation because really…Jesus, Jeevus…the name doesn't matter right now. What matters is that He wasn't there to save my wife and spare my kids from possibly having to grow up without a mother.
"So no more mommy?"
"But I want Mom here with us"
"I want my Mom NOW"
I don't even really know who said what as the reality hits all three kids at once and I'm trying to juggle all three in my arms, the four of us becoming a sobbing mess as I try to tell my children how much I love them, how much their mother loves them, that everything will be okay, even if I don't believe it myself, I need to at least pretend to for the kids.
I guess everyone else realizes I've told the kids by this point because they all cautiously enter the room. Alice and Rose offer to take the kids, but I can't bear to be apart from them. They're the only part of my Bella that I have right now.
After a while, Alice and my mother go into the kitchen to make some dinner for everyone. Once the food is ready, we all sit around the table, and it's like pulling teeth trying to get the kids to eat. Elliott flat out refuses, Michael plays with his food before talking about how Mommy's food is better and Sammi is crying because Bella isn't here to cut her food up the way she likes it. As for me, I'm just trying to hold on to the last shred of my sanity, so I just tell the kids they don't have to eat and tell them it's time for bed.
Alice and Rosalie help me get the kids ready for bed, but a whole new round of arguments and tears start when it's time to go to sleep. The kids don't want to be alone in their rooms, so I settle on moving them into the master suite that used to be my room since it has a king size bed for them all to fit on.
After I tuck them all in, hugging each of them tightly and telling them I love them, I just sit with them as they settle down and I realize the most important thing I need to tell them.
"Your mom loves all three of more than I could ever tell you. You are the most important people in her life, and you need to know that she's trying as hard as she can to get better so she can come home to you. Mom's accident is a sad thing, and if you want to talk to me about it, or what you're feeling you can, any time you want to. I will always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
The three of them just lay there for a moment before I'm given an answer of head nods and "okays".
I sit with them a few more minutes and just when I think they are getting ready to doze off, I hear Elliott's voice, and it breaks my heart because he sounds like such a lost little boy in this moment.
"Hey Dad? Do you think you could sing the mouse song for us?" my son asks me.
I freeze. I don't know if I can handle that song right now, but at the same point, I can't deny my children anything either. An American Tail was always Bella's favorite movie and once we had the kids, she got all three of them hooked on it. Even at twelve Elliott will still watch it with his brother and sister every now and then. He says its cause they nagged him to, but I know he likes it too, even if he'd never admit to it.
The mouse song was from the movie, and Bella would sing it every night at bedtime with Elliott to put him to sleep, she did the same with Michael although he doesn't ask for it as much, and it was still a regular part of Samantha's bedtime routine. I just don't know if I have the strength to get through the song, but I have to try for my kids.
I start singing, and as I do, I images of the first night we brought each of our children home and put them to bed for the first time with Bella singing this song to them run through my head as the words strangle my heart and my thoughts run wild, each more painful the one before…
Somewhere out there,
beneath the pale moonlight,
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.
I'm always thinking of you Bella…you were always in my thoughts. I just wish I showed you more often how much I love you.
Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.
Will you fight to survive for me baby? Will you give me the chance to make things right? Will we be together again?
And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.
You're too far away Bella. I need you, the kids need you. I need you baby, because I don't think I can do this without your help.
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.
Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.
I'll always love you Bella, and I promise to be a better man for you whatever it takes. I'll sell CP, I'll move us somewhere far away so we can start over. I know I can never make up for all the things I've done wrong, but I still want to try.
I manage to make it through the song without completely breaking down, Bella's own beautiful voice haunting me in my mind as I sang. Thankfully the kids seem to be sleeping, so I carefully slide off the bed and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me, only to slid down to the floor once it's closed.
Everything I've done wrong, every mistake I've made over the years echoes through my head as my body is wracked with sobs, and Emmett and Jasper come to pick me off the floor and put me to bed in the room across the hall from my children.
Once they have me in the bed, Jasper offers me one of the pills the doctor had prescribed for me and a glass of water. I don't want to take it and begin to argue, but think better of it when I realize tomorrow will be an equally difficult day of waiting in limbo.
A/N: So Edward's told the kids. Thoughts on how he handled it? I think, all things considered, he did a pretty okay job. Next chapter we'll see Bella's parents show up, and I know just how much you all love them. Leave me a review and let me know your thoughts on this one…