A/N: Soo...umm...yeah. I know. I suck. It's been forever and a day. I swear I'm trying and these characters are starting to talk to me again. Literally all of my characters just went silent on me...trust me my brain when it's quiet is a scary place. I'm hoping they'll keep talking and I can get more writing done. If you're still hanging on here with this story, thank you...truly from the bottom of my heart.
Also, the song I'd recommend for this chapter is Apologize by One Republic.
"Bella!" I cry out. "Your awake." I try to make my way towards her. To wrap my arms around her and tell her how sorry I am for everything…that I'm working on being better. That I want to be better for her and our kids. I never make it within a foot of her bed. The doctors push me back away from her and when I try to fight my way past them, an orderly with arms the size of tree trunks steps in to push me back towards the door.
"Whats going on? Why won't you let me near my wife?" I shout.
"Because I asked them to," Bella replies, her voice barely more than a hoarse whisper.
"Because Edward… look at what you've driven me to," her words are slow, and in her scratchy voice, come out blunt and harsh and caustic. Nothing at all like the, soft, sweet voice I know my wife possesses.
"I damn near killed myself Edward. Because of you. Because you're not the husband I married all hose years ago. I'm through being your doormat Edward. I need to take care of myself now. Make myself better for the sake of my children."
She turns her head away from me as she starts to cry.
"Bella…baby please. I'm trying to be better. I'm in therapy. I'm working through things. I've read the journal you left and I understand now. I know I wasn't fair or even remotely human towards you. I was a monster. But please… I want us to work through this. I love you Bella. I'd do anything…"
I'm grasping at straws, begging her to just listen to me, to hear me out so we can try to find our way out of this darkness together, but she cuts me off before I can even finish talking, and when she speaks, it is with a certainty and resolve I never heard from her before, cutting me straight to my heard, leaving me broken and devastated.
"No Edward. Not this time. You gave up on me a long time ago. You promised me too many times that we would work on things and fix them, and not once did you ever follow through. Things only ever got worse. I have nothing to base any sort of trust in you on. So now… this time Edward…I'm giving up on you."
I try once more to plead with her. Beg for a chance to just talk, but she won't have it.
"Please just go Edward," she says. "I don't want to see you anymore. Don't come back."
It's been almost a week, and the entire scene at the hospital, but Bella's words especially have not stopped echoing in my head. She's giving up on me. No way to have any trust in me. Don't come back. Even meeting with Dr. Aro hasn't helped. Well…he had his advice to give, but it's more the fact that as much as I know that what he said is true, I just don't want to believe that in this case, perhaps the best way for me to love Bella is by giving her what she wants.
Maybe I'm being bitter. More than likely I know I'm acting like a petulant child. Bella's allowed my mother to the hospital to bring the children. She's even allowed Alice and Jasper, and Rose and Emmett. The only ones who have shared anything of their conversations are the kids. The rest of them will go so far as to tell me that Bella is getting better each day, but that's it.
"Edward, really…put the bottle down and stop brooding," my mother says with a huff as she takes the bottle of Jim Beam away and puts it back behind the bar.
"I can only imaging how difficult this is for you son, but drinking yourself into a stupor before noon will do no one any good in this situation."
"Mom…" I begin, but trail off because really, what is there for me to say. I want to argue. I want to rage about the injustice of everything that's happened, but how do I do that when it's my own fault, that I've caused myself to be in this situation. I prayed and begged and bargained with God that I would do anything if Bella survived. How was I to know that the cost for her survival was me having to give her up and walk away? The pain of it is just as if I had lost her to the bullet anyway. But I guess this is burden to bear. My children are happier now that their mother is awake. Bella is going to recover. Shouldn't that be enough?
"Edward!" I'm brought out of my thoughts by my mouther calling my name.
"Huh?"
"I said," my mother begins again, her hands holding mine. "I know what Bella said to you was difficult to hear. But…don't you think you should use this time to really think of how you're going to show her you've changed?"
"What do you mean Mom?"
"I mean, she's made it clear, and honestly, I can't blame her, that she has no basis for being able to trust you. So, my question is, what are you going to do to make her feel safe enough to begin to build that trust? Show her you're changing. Show her you value her and want to be the man you once promised her you would be."
My mom doesn't say anything else. She walks off into the kitchen and leaves me to think, which in my own opinion is both a blessing and a curse. But she's right. And so is Bella. I haven't given her any reason to trust me. It's damn time I start.
Whether or not my mother is trying to help, it's a little too convenient when she asks me to bring the kids to visit their mom in the hospital since she's supposedly forgotten a doctor's appointment of her own that she can't miss.
Walking into the hospital I feel as though I'm on tenterhooks. As though a live current is surging through my body. I don't know how Bella will react to seeing me again, and maybe I should have been more adamant about trying to get her to see that I want to fight for her…for us…but I'm gonna damn well try now.
Approaching Bella's room, one of the nurses stops me, a hesitant and cautious look in her eye.
"Mr. Cullen, I had hoped you would have taken what Mrs. Cullen said to you the last time you were here to heart."
The nurse's eyes dart from my wife's room to my children to me. A silent conversation happening, a reminder that I'm not welcome.
"Yes, of course I did," I tell her. "I'm just bringing the children to see their mother. I'm planning on waiting out in the hall by the nurses station.
"But Dad," Elliott starts. "Don't you want to see Mom too?"
And this is the other conversation I've been dreading. The kids don't know yet that I'm unwelcome. I haven't figured out how to have this talk with them.
"Of course I do El," I begin to tell him, hating that I'm going to lie to him because a hospital hallway is not the place for me to tell him the truth. "I spoke with your mom earlier today on the phone. I know she's really missing you kiddos and I know you guys really miss having her at home, so I thought today would be a nice time for you to have alone time with her since someone else has always been with you guys when you've come every other day."
I can tell he doesn't buy the answer I give him, but he doesn't argue.
"Come on guys," Elliott says as he grabs Michael and Sammi's hands. "Let's go see Mom."
I follow behind at a distance, stopping at the entrance to Bella's room. She does look better, if only slightly. I know her road to recovery is long, and I'm hoping to do whatever I can to make it better for her.
However, as she hears us entering the room, the smile that spreads across her face as the kids walk in falters as she sees me in the door way.
"Oh…you're here" She says as she sees me. I can hear the struggle in her voice as she tries to keep the venom out of it as she speaks to me. And I can't help but notice the twitch of her hand in the direction of the call button, as if she's desperately ready to be rid of me and ready to call a nurse or an orderly to have me removed. I can see the way she's warring over how to handle my appearance here after she summarily banished me a week ago since the kids are here and I know she wouldn't want to upset them by causing a scene.
"I'm only here to drop the kids to see you. I know they miss you. I'll be waiting in the hall. There's no rush, so spend all the time you want with them."
It's maddening how awkward it is for me to speak to her. Perhaps it is because I have been judged and have been found wanting. Perhaps it is because I know how horribly I have failed my family. Regardless, it's a struggle to look Bella in the eye and see her judgment of me there. It's something I'll tuck away in my mind for now to discuss later with Dr. Aro.
She says nothing more to me, only a curt nod of her hear…a dismissal, before focusing her attention on our children.
I walk away from the room as I hear her ask Sammi about how her day has been, the heaviness in my heart lightening if only an infinitesimal amount as I hear not just my daughter, but both of my sons launch into telling their mother everything they have been doing since they had seen her last.
Time passes achingly slowly for me as I wait for my kids to leave their mother's room. As I sit I wonder how and if everything that has happened can be repaired. I hope and pray that it can be, but I fear that it will be me that won't survive if it can't. After all, how are you supposed to survive when your heart is ripped out of you.
Later, after the nurse sends my children back to me because visiting hours have ended, I work to keep up my facade as Michael and Elliot ramble on about how good it was to see their mom and how they can't wait to see her again soon. It's funny how easy it was for me to pretend that everything with Bella was fine for all those years, but now that the cold, harsh reality has been held up for all to see…pretending, if only for the sake of my children…it's unbearable. Is this what Bella felt like for all that time? I don't understand how she survived it, because I know I can't tolerate it much longer.
It's only after the kids have been fed and put to bed later that night, that I realize I won't have to tolerate it any more if I can just get Bella to trust me and
I'm thrown by the knock at the door, especially for it being as late as it is, but figure it's just Jasper or Emmett coming to check on me and the kids. However, when I open the door, I don't recognize the person standing there.
"Mr. Cullen?" They ask.
"Yes. Who are you?"
"You're full name is Edward Anthony Cullen?"
"Yes," I respond slightly irritated. "Now that we've established who I am, can you explain who you are and why you're at my door at almost ten o'clock at night?
"You've been served Sir," the mystery man says as he hands me a manila envelop before walking away, getting into his car and driving off.
Growling in frustration, I step back into the house, shutting and locking the door. I've been served lawsuit papers before, being the CEO of a pharmaceutical company doesn't come without an occasional lawsuit now and then.
I rip the envelop open, already mentally planning on just calling our company attorney in the morning to deal with this. I have far more important things to focus on right now, like putting the shattered pieces of my marriage back together.
It's when I scan over the documents in the envelop that I realize that this just isn't another lawsuit, or work related at all. Scanning the documents, the word "summons" on the one didn't even raise any flags, but it is the "Complaint for Divorce" on the other that sends my mind reeling.
I scan the document, none of it sinking in, or perhaps I just don't want to believe what I'm reading. But it's all there in black and white, with Isabella Cullen listed as the plaintiff and myself as the defendant. I think what finally breaks me is when I read the grounds upon which she filed - emotional abuse and neglect.
I can barely get the words out as I call Jasper, sobbing as I explain what has happened. He hangs up after telling me he'll be here as fast as possible and that he'll let Emmett and my mother know what's going on.
As I wait, I stare at the papers lying on the floor next to where I've collapsed. I shove them away, as if being near me, they will hurt me even more, even though I'm already feeling like I'm dying. Bella doesn't want to try. There's no way to apologize and show her she can trust me…that I have and will continue to change and be the man she deserves and needs. I guess…it's all just too little too late, and the chance I hoped and prayed for…never existed in the first place.
A/N: So yeah...Edward's not doing well, but I guess we could all say he's kind of getting what he deserves. So long as these characters cooperate, I'm hoping to get Bella to share her side of things again soon. I would love to hear all of your thoughts, so please leave a review!