A/N: So see...I didn't keep everyone waiting too long this time. It's been a while since Bella shared her side of things, so we'll get to hear from her this time.

BPOV

All I can think of is the beeping…so much beeping. Someone needs to turn whatever the hell is making all of that noise off. Suddenly though, the beeping is insignificant as pain washes over my body. I feel like I've been run over by a truck, and yet, I'm glad I can feel this. It means I'm still alive. It's funny. You hear all the professionals and experts tell you how people who attempt suicide and survive often regret their decision to end their life once they make the attempt. I guess that little tidbit is true, well, not that I regret what I did, but it has put things in perspective.

I remember being in the bathroom. holding the gun in my hand. Finally feeling as though I had control over my life again was, I admit, euphoric. It was also so surreal knowing that I was in the final moments of my life. Or what were supposed to be the final moments of my life…until Edward walked in.

I'm sitting on the tub, unable to stop the tears from falling. Crying, mourning the loss of the chance to see my children grow up. After all, what kind of mother can I be to them when all I feel is pain every day.

I press the gun to my head and close my eyes, taking a final shaky breath as I prepare to pull the trigger, but a noise at the door stops me. Edward. A rage I have never known before washes over me. I won't let him ruin this for me. He's taken everything else from me…my self worth, my confidence, my hope of a happy life. I'll be damned if he takes my choice to die away from me too, so I point the gun at him to stop him from coming any closer. He freezes in his spot. I can tell by his face he isn't sure of what he's supposed to do.

"Isabella, baby…what's going on?" he softly whispers.

I can see he's trying to keep calm and I know I'm close to losing it. I wanted to do this privately, but I'll make a show of it means I get what I want in the end. Gingerly, Edward tries to step forward but stops the moment I cock the gun. I should just do it, just put the gun back to my head and pull the trigger. There's enough space between Edward and I that I would be dead before he ever reached me, but the words stumble out of my mouth before I can even think of stopping them.

"I can't do this anymore Edward. It hurts too much, it hurts all the time. I don't matter to anyone, it's like I'm a ghost. You don't even notice me anymore, all I do is complicate your life. You'll all be better once I'm gone."

I'm so focused on gripping the gun, but I can see it in Edwards eyes, a fear and understanding that hasn't been there in a long time. It's ironic, because I can't bear to try and let him in anymore. He's my heart, my soul…I know he sees now just how badly he's hurt me, but he's let me down too many times. If I let him try to fix things and get let down again…I can't bear that level of disappointment again.

"Baby please…just put the gun down." he begs, his voice shaky as his own tears starting to fall. I'm not sure why he's crying…it's not his life thats going to end. Maybe it's because he realizes how much I've been ignored, or maybe it's because he doesn't know if I'm is going to shoot myself or him, the fear of the public scandal this whole thing is going to cause, or all of it combined.

"We can work this out Isabella. I need you baby. I love you. I've been so wrong about so many things. We'll go to therapy…every day if you want. I'll do whatever it takes Bella, just put the gun down. Think about the kids, baby. They need you. I need you."

I'm brought out of my thoughts as people start showing up and fussing over me. Asking me to blink to answer questions, and thats when I realize there's a tube down my throat and I can see the people around me are doctors and nurses. After checking my vitals and removing the tube, the doctor explains what happened. How I was brought in with a gun shot wound, the damage, the repairs, the complications…how much time has passed since the day I pulled the trigger. I guess I really did a number on myself.

The doctor asks me if I want my husband called so he could come down now that I'm awake, but without even a thought, I tell him no and ask him to make it understood that my husband isn't welcome in my room. That I need him away from me. I'm not sure what makes me tell the doctor to keep Edward away, but the minute I've said it, I know it's what I need. I know I need help. I also know I need to get help on my own, away from Edward. I've lost myself and I need to figure out who I am and what I want if I ever want to be a halfway decent mother to my children. It's why when the doctor asked me if I would be willing to speak with a therapist about what happened, I said yes.

Laying in this hospital room, I pray that my choices lead me to a better future. I know I am not without fault in what has led me here, but I need to know that there is a way for me to be happier. Edward was right…my kids do need me, just as much as I need them. Edward though…he may have said he needed me, but I know he doesn't. He'd be just fine without me. All of this thinking is exhausting, and yet, I can't help replay what happened in the bathroom that day…

"I don't believe you Edward. You've told me that before, you've ignored me before; you've lied about our problems before. Why would you change now? It's too late, it hurts too much and there's only one way to make it stop. I need to do this."

I can tell Edward is out of his element, always the one in control, and yet he doesn't know what I'm planning to do, but all I can think is to pray to God that me doing this really lets him understand all the pain he's caused me.

He takes a few steps closer towards where I am sitting against the tub but stops once I point the gun at him again.

"Tell me what you need me to do Isabella. I'll do anything, I want to fix this, fix us. You're everything to me baby. I can't lose you…" He's resorted to begging now. Or at least pretending to beg. For all the years we put on the act of being a happy couple, he sure has learned how to put on a good show.

"There's nothing you can do to fix this Edward!" I scream. "It's too late for fixing. The damage is done. I tried so many times to be a good wife, a good mother and I failed…I tried to talk to you, to get you to understand how I was feeling, and I failed at that too. I wasn't good enough, I wasn't what you needed. You never listened, you blamed everything on me, and you put that godforsaken company ahead of your family! I was supposed to come first Edward, and I never did…not once. I can't do it anymore!"

I'm sobbing and I know my words are barely comprehendible, but my mind is made up, I've made my decision and there is no going back. For a moment, I just sit there clutching the gun in my lap as I cry.

Maybe this is what makes Edward bolder, makes him think that nothing is going to happen. He takes the few remaining steps until he's standing about a foot away from me. His move to hug me is what I notice. He hasn't even so much as thought about offering me some type of comfort like that in who knows how long. Funny, it only took me holding a gun to my head to get him to engage in physical contact with his wife again.

I know that this is it…that it's now or never and I begin to speak in barely a whisper as my grip around the gun tightens.

"Tell the kids I'm sorry for leaving them, that none of this is their fault. Tell them I love them and will always be with them. Make sure they get the letters when the time is right. I love you Edward, I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed, that I couldn't be a good wife for you, that you always had to clean up my messes. I've always loved you Edward…always."

It's as if everything happens in super speed and slow motion all at once. I move to raise the gun, and somehow Edward manages to get a grip on my arm and we begin to struggle as I tighten my finger around the trigger, I won't let Edward take this away from me. The trigger gives and the sound of the shot echoes throughout the room.

I collapse to the floor, surprised at how much this hurts. Its the pain that lets me know that my plan failed. If it had worked…if I was dead, I wouldn't feel like my insides had been shredded with razor blades and set on fire, and yet the physical pain is so much better than the suffering I was living in every day.

I'm vaguely aware of someone shouting "NO" and lifting me off the floor as darkness closes in around me, my head rolls to the side and I see the bright red spreading across the front of Edward's shirt. I can hear my own gasping for air, and see the look of horror on Edward's face, but all I can think of is how much everything still hurts and how all I want is no more pain.

I'm not sure how long I was asleep for, but it must have been awhile. The sun is up now, and the doctors and nurses have been coming in and out of my room, going on and on about blood tests and med changes and other things I'm not really paying attention to.

And that is when I hear him - Edward. The sound of his voice alone starts a war within me. I know how much he's hurt me and yet I can't deny that I still love him. But I know he's not healthy for me…not anymore. I look at the doctor standing next to my bed and ask him, "Please, make him leave. I've requested he isn't allowed in here."

"Bella!" Edward cries out. "You're awake." He tries to make his way towards me. His arms are out as if he's trying to wrap his arms around me and he's telling me how sorry he is for everything…that he's working on being better. That he wants to be better for me and our kids.

Thankfully the hospital staff never let Edward make it within a foot of my bed. The doctors push him back away from me and when he tries to fight his way past them, an orderly with arms the size of tree trunks steps in to push him back towards the door.

"What's going on? Why won't you let me near my wife?" Edward shouts.

"Because I asked them to," I reply, my voice barely more than a hoarse whisper.

"Edward… look at what you've driven me to," my words are slow as my brain processes what I want to say, and I do my best to make my voice sound cold and devoid of emotion - much like how Edward used to speak to me.

"I damn near killed myself Edward. Because of you. Because you're not the husband I married all those years ago. I'm through being your doormat Edward. I need to take care of myself now. Make myself better for the sake of my children."

I turn my head away from Edward as I start to cry, not wanting him to see me weak again, knowing I need to be strong now.

"Bella…baby please. I'm trying to be better. I'm in therapy. I'm working through things. I've read the journal you left and I understand now. I know I wasn't fair or even remotely human towards you. I was a monster. But please… I want us to work through this. I love you Bella. I'd do anything…"

Edward's grasping at straws, begging me to just listen to him, to hear him out so we can try to find our way out of this darkness together, but I cut him off before he can even finish talking, afraid that if I let him continue, I will cave and give in to what he's saying, because good God I would love for his words to be true. It's only after reminding myself that he's said these things to me before and never truly followed through that I find the resolve I need to end the conversation.

"No Edward. Not this time. You gave up on me a long time ago. You promised me too many times that we would work on things and fix them, and not once did you ever follow through. Things only ever got worse. I have nothing to base any sort of trust in you on. So now… this time Edward… I'm giving up on you."

Edward tries once more to plead with me, but I won't have it.

"Please just go Edward," I say as I stare him straight in the eyes, willing him to hear the conviction behind what I'm saying. "I don't want to see you anymore. Don't come back."

After he's gone, I ask the nurse to place a call for me to my attorney's office. The nurse does as I ask, and about an hour later, Jane Saxon is walking into my room. I can see the sadness and pity briefly cross her face, before she sits down next to me.

"So, I'm glad to see you're okay, but…care to tell me why you wanted me to come here?" Jane asks.

It's one of the things I like about Jane. She's no nonsense and cuts straight to the chase. It's what makes her such a ruthless lawyer.

"How much do you know about what landed me in this bed?" I ask her.

"I know enough," Jane replies. "And based on the bits and pieces I've heard, I'm going to wager a bet that not everything in your marriage has been as wonderful as you and Edward have made it out to be."

"No," I answer, the word barely audible. "It's as if I've been living a nightmare. I need the nightmare to stop Jane, and the only thing I can think of is to get out. The marriage was dead long ago and it almost killed me to try to stay in it. I can't do it anymore. I need a divorce."

"Okay then," Jane says as she opens her briefcase and takes out a notepad. "Let's get started."

The next two hours are spent answering the questions Jane has for me. I know the doctors and nurses aren't happy about her overstaying her time, but they also know she's my attorney and dare not interfere.

I'm exhausted by the time Jane and I are done, and am looking forward to trying to sleep, but she stops as she reaches the door.

"I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't at least ask once Bella." She hesitates before continuing. "Are you sure? Are you one hundred percent sure this is the road you want to walk down? You and Edward have been married for fifteen years. Thats a lot to walk away from."

I'm thrown off by the question. I think for a moment. Is this what I really want? No, it isn't, but I know it is what I need. I've been given too many false and broken promises and I need a clean break.

"Yes, Jane. I'm sure. It's too late for my marriage. Edward's already tried to apologize and tell me that he'll change, but it's too late. It's too late for the apologies and the promises he'll never keep. I need a chance at a fresh start…without Edward."

"Thats what I thought. I just had to be sure." She replies. "I'll get everything drawn up. He'll be served with the paperwork in about a week."

I thank Jane as she leaves. Both nervous and relieved that I've begun the process of attempting to rebuild my broken life, I finally drift off to sleep.

A/N: Let me know what you think about Bella's side of all this in a review. The goal is to have the next chapter out within a week.