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CHAPTER 38

The weight of the baby in Dean's arms was so comforting..he couldn't even explain the feeling. It was if all thoughts about Castiel were washed away for the time being. The baby stared up at him with those bright eyes, but still made no sound. Dean was so wrapped up in his son that he hardly noticed his surroundings.

Amber tugged him by his sleeve, leading him downstairs carefully so he wouldn't trip to show the others the new arrival.

She glanced back at Dean and smiled at the expression on his face. It was one of pure joy. She was glad that Cas' death, horrible as it was, didn't put a damper on Dean's happiness of meeting his son.

They stepped onto the ground floor and Amber saw that Bobby and Sam were where she had left them in the l iving room.

"Guys," she called, gesturing them over. Both stood in unsion, eager to meet the baby.

"What is it? Boy or girl?" Sam asked.

"A boy." Dean said quietly, shifting the baby in his arms and moving the blanket so his face could be seen better.

"Shit...looks just like Cas." Bobby noticed. "spitting image."

"Yeah." Brushing a curl away from his son's forehead, Dean smiled. His own mini Castiel.

Sam studied his brother's face while Bobby and Amber admired the new addition some more. Dean seemed..better then before. There was still sadness in his eyes, but at least there was a genuine smile on his face as he showed off his son.

"He's perfect, Dean." Sam placed a hand on his brother's shoulder and gripped it tight.

Dean nodded, swallowing hard. "Cas would have been happy."

Sam pulled him into a one-armed hug, careful not to squish the baby between their bodies. Dean grasped the back of his shirt tightly and said so the other two couldn't hear, "I'm glad you're alright, Sammy. I don't know what i would have done if I lost you too."

'You don't have to even think about that, because I'm fine and all this shit with Lucifer is done now. It's over." Sam clapped Dean on the back before releasing him.

"Did you pick a name?" Bobby asked, touching the baby's hand lightly. He started at the touch and regarded Bobby with big blue eyes.

"No. I have to think about it. Cas and I never talked about it." Dean said, voice catching in his throat. There were so many things that they hadn't discussed...Dean suddenly felt like being alone as the thoughts crashed down upon him. The only things they had spoken about were friggin barbeques and swing sets. What help was that now?

Dean quickly held the boy out to Bobby. "Do you want to hold him?"

Bobby looked uncertain, but Amber nudged him. "Go on, Bobby, he won't bite."

The bundle was gently transfered from one pair of arms to the other. Bobby regarded the boy with wonder. "Haven't held a kid in my arms in a long time. So long I've forgotten what it feels like."

Dean wandered off to the kitchen, feeling drained and exhausted. The weight of Cas' death was settling over his heart like a black cloud. He half wished that he had died with Cas, but he shook his head roughly and reminded himself that he had a son now. Cas would want Dean to look after him properly, like they were planning to do together.

Grabbing a beer from the fridge, Dean held it against his forehead letting it cool the heat there and ease his headache. He was trying to hold it together, but it was proving difficult. Very difficult. A few stray tears escaped from his eyes, and he brushed them away absently.

"Dean?' Amber was suddenly standing there, shuffling akwardly. Although the others hadn't noticed, she had seen his face grow pale before handing his son off to Bobby and leaving the room. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." Dean lied half-heartedly, popping open his beer and chugging down half the bottle. Amber was watching him worriedly. He knew what she was thinking; he would drown himself in beer, get so drunk that he couldn't think straight, let alone think about Cas. But he wasn't going to do that because he had responsibilities now.

"Don't worry." he spoke softly, and his words were genuine. "Don't worry."

Even though the words were vague, she knew what they applied to. The thoughts that were swirling in her mind had obviously been picked up by Dean. He knew what she was thinking about him. She walked over to him, hesitantly.

When he didn't speak or move, she continued, but slowly. Wrapping both arms around him, she hugged him tightly. There was no protest from the hunter, or tension in his body. Pressing her face into his chest, she spoke. Her words were muffled but audible.

"If you need help with anything, Dean...we're all here for you. No matter what it is, okay? I know I kind of just showed up in your lives, but I really love you guys. I miss Cas too...I wish things had turned out different."

Tears started seeping through Dean's shirt and it took him a minute to register that Amber was crying. It surprised him; stunned him. He loved Cas more then anything and he suddenly realized that his friends may not have loved him in the same way, but they loved him none-the-less.

Dean patted Amber's back akwardly, and bit his lip, trying to stop his own tears from flowing. The effort did not work, and soon salty drops were running down his cheeks.

Amber looked up when she felt wet droplets on her neck. They were falling fast and thick from Dean's eyes and they showed no sign of stopping anytime soon.

Brushing a hand against his cheek, Amber spoke softly. "Sh, Dean. It's okay."

But it wasn't okay. Castiel was dead. In what world was that 'okay'?

Dean cried harder and buried his face into her shoulder, feeling somewhat comforted by Amber. On the other hand he was disgusted at himself for being so needy and emotional. The loss was taking it's toll on him, screwing him up so much that he couldn't think right.

Amber kissed the top of his head, stroking his neck soothingly as he cried relentlessly. Sam poked his head into the kitchen; he had gone to see where his brother and Amber had disappeared to, leaving the baby to sit with Bobby.

Their eyes met, Sam's shocked ones locking onto Amber's sad ones. He started forward, to do what he didn't know...comforting words or a pat on the back would not bring Cas back, but it might help the hurt a little.

Amber gave a sharp shake of her head. She knew Dean would not want Sam to see him like his. He probably didn't even want her to see him like this.

Although all instincts told him to go to his brother, who was gripping Amber tightly and sobbing against her, he fought them and backed off. Dean had other people now to help him. Sam would always be there for Dean, but Amber had it under control now.

Forcing a smile onto his face, he went back to Bobby. The older hunter was rocking the child in his arms, and trying desperately to turn a classic rock song into a soothing lullaby for the sake of the baby. He didn't know any real lullabies.

Sam told Bobby some lie about what Dean was doing. He didn't even remember what he said. Bobby didn't seem to care; he was too preoccupied with the bundle in his arms. Sam had never seen such a gentle and soft expression on the hunter's hard features.