Thanks for reviews: Tari4078, thefallenpoet

Chapter 39

Pat had come down, after she was finished with Cas. By then Dean had calmed down after his episode in the kitchen with Amber. Instead of speaking with Dean, she had pulled Sam aside. Standing by the stairs, she had gotten his attention by waving at him and made sure they were out of earshot of the others before speaking.

"I stitched Cas back up and wrapped a clean sheet around him," she started. "I assume you will be burying him or cremating him here?"

"Yeah," Sam swallowed hard. "We'll probably cremate him tomorrow, if that's what Dean wants to do."

"I am sorry." Pat smiled, patting Sam' shoulder. "Dean seems like he loved Castiel very much. I can't imagine how he feels right now."

"Probably twenty times worse then I do." Sam replied, glancing over his shoulder where Dean had resumed his spot in the living room with the others.

"I would say good bye, but I don't think it would be wise. He might associate me with-" her voice trailed off and Sam nodded, understanding where she was going.

"Well, I can't thank you enough for all you've done to help."

"Don't mention it. By the way, I heard from Bobby that you guys stopped the Apocalpyse. We would all be dead if it wasn't for you." Pat squeezed his arm gently before hitching the bags of equipment she was carrying higher on her shoulder. "Take care, huh? Don't hesitate to call if you need anything else."

Sam watched as she squeezed through the front door, her bags bouncing against her body. Sam smiled. Pat seemed like a good person to have on their side. He went back to the living room, where the others were discussing a rather important issue.

"But how do we know if he's hungry? He doesn't even cry." Amber was saying. "He has to eat, right?"

"But angels don't eat." Bobby pointed out.

"He's only half angel." Dean said quietly. This was quite a conundrum. He realized now that he and Cas should have planned better, should have known something like this was going to happen. Cas would have known what to do for their son.

"Well, why don't we just try feeding him? I can go pick up some formula...we can see if he eats." Amber suggested.

The adults all glanced at the baby asleep in Dean's arms. Too bad he couldn't give them an answer.

Sam plopped down beside Amber on the couch, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Glancing at him quickly, her eyes moved toward the stairs. She had seen him speaking with Pat after she had gestured him over and assumed it was about Cas. The expression on Sam's face confirmed her assumptions, and he didn't say anything. No need to bring up taking care of Cas' body right now.

"I guess..we can try." Dean stroked his son's face lightly with the tip of his finger. The baby had to eat...there as no way he didn't need food. He was only half angel, and even Cas started to eat when he was pregnant.

"Alright. I'll go pick up some things. Maybe I'll get some groceries and we can cook up a nice dinner, huh?" she looked at Bobby as if asking for permission. "If you don't mind offering the use of your kitchen of course."

"Not at all. I know a few recipes myself. Had to learn after cooking for myself all these years." Bobby smiled under his beard. 'I'll come to town with you if you want."

"Be back soon," Amber said to Sam, kissing him on the cheek. Sam nodded, although he wanted to leave with them. For some reason he didn't want to be alone with Dean.

Both stood, and Bobby led the way out of the room, leaving the Winchesters alone. There was silence between them, finally broken by the slam of the front door as Bobby and Amber left.

The awkward quiet was starting to get on Sam's nerves and he cleared his throat, standing.

"I'm going to go take a shower, change my clothes." he announced to Dean. Anything to get him out of the room.

Dean grunted in response. He leaned against the back of the couch, the baby still in his arms, and used the remote to flick on the TV. Sam watched him for a second before going upstairs to the bathroom.

The closed guest room door caught his attention. Stopping in front of it, he stared as if he didn't know what to do. Finally he gripped the knob tight in his hand and turned it, letting the door swing open.

As Pat told him, Castiel's body was wrapped neatly up, still lying on the bed. Sam took a shuddering breath and went over. The white sheet seemed impersonal. It was blank. It did not show any of Cas' personality, his rebellious streak, his loyalty... his love for Dean. Reaching out, Sam rested a hand briefly where he he knew Cas' shoulder was.

"I'm sorry, Cas." he rubbed a hand to his burning eyes. "This should have been me."

"No." the voice made Sam jump, and he spun around, startled. Dean was standing there, his arms now devoid of his son.

"This whole thing is my fault." Sam protested, his voice full of guilt. "I should-"

Dean embraced Sam tightly, grasping the back of his shirt tightly. "Don;t blame yourself, Sammy. Please. I'm glad you're alive...and I don't want to hear you talking like this, anymore, alright?"

The older Winchester clapped Sam on the back before releasing him. It seemed as if Dean had ended the whole subject in that second. It was evident to Sam: no more talk about the Apocalypse, or Lucifer. Or Castiel.

Dean glanced down at the bed, brushing his hand lightly against the body that laid there before leaving the room. Sam was left there, staring down at what had once been Cas, and trying to swallow his guilt.

88888888

Dinner had been good. Amber was obviously a talented cook. Bobby wasn't bad, either, when he put effort into it.

Sam had commented on the meal, but Dean could hardly taste the food. For all he knew it could have been sawdust in his mouth.

While Amber and Bobby had been preparing dinner, Dean had made some some formula for his son, using the new bottles Amber had bought.

The baby actually started to suckle when the nipple touched his lips and Dean felt a surge of relief. After finishing half of it, the baby {Dean really had to name the kid already} turned his head away and Dean put the bottle off to the side. He decided to let the baby tell him when he was done, since he didn't have any better ideas on how to feed a half-angel, half-human baby. He hoped giving him formula was fine and that he didn't need any kind of weird angel conconction.

After all had eaten, Amber worked with Sam to clean up the kitchen. Dean listened to them, eavesdropped on their banter and desperately wishing for Cas to come back to him. It should have been that way for them; laughing and joking in the kitchen, like they had done what seemed forever ago when Dean taught Cas how to make eggs.

Bobby was talking to him, something about going out tomorrow to buy a proper crib as he brought in a dresser drawer. Bobby set it up on the floor as a make-shift bed for the baby and padded it with the newest, warmest blankets that he had.

Dean nodded, but Bobby's words went right through him. Now he was saying something about Dean moving in with him, at least for the time being.

"We can set up the guest room for you if you want. It would be nice to have company around here. It gets lonely sometimes."

"That sounds good." Dean replied, hardly aware of what he was agreeing to. Bobby studied Dean for a moment. The blank look on his face told it all. He knew the hunter was not listening to a word he was saying.

Bobby threw a few extra blankets on the couch for Dean. "Why don't you sleep, son? You look exhausted."

Dean did not protest when Bobby took the baby from his arms and laid him in the drawer on the floor. Tucking him in snuggly, Bobby glanced at Dean again.

He patted Dean on the shoulder and gave him a sad smile before leaving the room. The look on Dean's face was almost a mirror image to his own after he had lost Karen. The bond that Dean shared with Castiel was much deeper though. It was a different kind of love then what he and Karen had. Dean and Cas had gone through Heaven and Hell for each other, literally. And for what? Dean was destroyed. Bobby didn't know if he would ever get over it.

He sighed to himself. Hunting was hard. Love was even harder.

88888

Bobby had offered his bed to Amber, but she declined. She and Sam had accepted the floor in his room, however. Of course neither of them wanted to sleep in the guest room for obvious reasons.

Amber had suggested they sleep downstairs with Dean, but Sam thought it better if Dean was just left alone. He knew his brother. It was better if he was left to sort through his own thoughts.

When they went to say good night to Dean, the hunter was lying on the couch staring up at the ceiling with blank eyes. Amber had the urge to hug him again, but Sam tugged her away before she could. He knew Dean wanted to be left alone right now.

Dean had seemed distant all during dinner, as if another world. He nodded and replied to the other's questions, but it was automatic, as if he really didn't hear what they were saying.

Sam listened to Bobby's snoring in the bed above and scooted closer to Amber, in her sleeping bag next to his. She smiled in her sleep and he kissed her cheek.

He wished there was some way he could bring comfort to Dean, but he knew nothing ever could fill Castiel's place.

Nothing.