Chapter 51

There was something wrong, Dean could tell. The expression on Cas' face was unreadable, but there was definitely something amiss. Dean wished that they still had the same connection as before so he would know exactly what Cas was feeling.

Cas was leaning against the headboard, giving Kam his last meal for the night. Dean stood beside him, brushing a hand threw Cas' hair, but Cas gave no reaction.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing." Cas said, but it was very unconvincing.

"Cas...come on." Dean kissed the top of his head lightly. "Is this still about what Bobby said?"

"No." Cas shifted Kam in his arms as the baby suckled the bottle. "It doesn't matter."

"Everything that's bothering you matters to me." Dean hopped over Cas to sit next to him in the bed. "Tell me."

"You're not going to leave me alone until I do, are you?"

The question was spiked with anger, and Dean was shocked. There was something different about Cas tonight. Something that he didn't like. Cas had never spoken to him like that before.

Dean eyed Cas strangely, and it seemed as if his mind was whirring a mile a minute. The hunter realized now how quiet Cas had been at dinner...how odd he had acted.

When there was no response from Dean, Cas decided to just spit it out. He did not like the way that Dean was looking at him; like he might explode or something.

"God's back, Dean. Even though I had a hunch he was the one who had brought me back, I was not a hundred percent sure. Now that you said he is back, he will resume his role in Heaven it seems, like nothing ever happened."

"Okay?" Dean failed to see what was so bad about God stepping back into the picture.

Cas gave him a look that bordered on a glare and made the hunter shudder slightly. "And I'm here."

Dean shook his head, still not understanding. Kam turned his head away from the bottle and Cas set it on the nightstand before getting to his feet. He tucked Kam into his drawer, keeping his back to Dean.

"Cas..tell me what the hell you're talking about." Dean had slipped out of the bed, his heart pounding crazily in his chest.

Cas stood, but did not turn to look at Dean. "After everything, after searching for God and trying to locate him, even before I was with you, I never found a trace. I had been starting to wonder where my orders were coming from...I had a yearning to meet my father. Now he is finally back, and I am no longer a part of Heaven. I won't be a part of the rebuilding, I will never fight next to my brothers and sisters again. I am Fallen."

Dean placed a hand on Cas' shoulder, treading lightly. "I thought you said that you didn't want to be a part of Heaven anymore."

"Before...but now that God is back things will be different." The tone of Cas' voice was suddenly alight with hope. It was as if he was grasping at any little thing that might connect him with Heaven again.

Panic swept through Dean's body. "What are you saying? That you want to leave?"

Cas didn't answer, and Dean felt as if the world was crashing down over him. It was hard to breathe, he had to take in a huge breath of air to make his lungs start functioning again. "Cas. Look at me and tell me the truth."

Dean didn't think that he would respond, but he did. Cas turned around, meeting Dean's eyes. "I was made to be an angel, Dean. That's all I will ever be good at."

The hunter's body was growing weak..where was all of this coming from? It was supposed to be the two of them together, with Kam. They were going to have a house and build a family.

"I'm sorry, but that's the truth. You heard Bobby..this was never going to work out anyway."

Acid was rising in Dean's stomach and he looked down to where Kam was asleep. He was unable to talk so he just gestured.

"Kam needs to learn how to use his powers. I can't teach him that now. But maybe God can restore my Grace..I can be a servant of Heaven once more, and Kam can learn how to be an angel." Cas said, some excitement in his voice now as he imagined it. "We can serve God together."

"But he's not an angel. He's my son too, Cas." Dean said hoarsely and Cas eye's flashed. He opened his mouth to retort, but Dean was stumbling back out of the room and down the hallway. His head was spinning. Were they breaking up? Is that what was happening? Dean couldn't tell.

Trying his best not to fall due to the weakness in his legs, Dean made his way down the stairs. Amber and Sam were watching TV and Bobby was still in his study. Nobody noticed him go out the front door.

As soon as the night air hit his face, he bent over and threw up into the bushes. He could not wrap his head around what was going on. Just because God had reappeared, Cas wanted to take off?

Dean made his way over to the Impala and practically threw himself on the hood, resting his head against the windshield and looking up at the dark sky.

"We did what you wanted...Lucifer is gone. I gave up my life to save people, and I'm only asking to live my own life now in return. Cas is my whole world..now you're taking him from me too. I don't know why he's still so loyal to you dickbags...I'm the one he should want to be with now." Dean finished in a whisper. A lone tear slid down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away with the back of a hand.

"Dean."

The hunter jumped a mile, and then he saw who it was. Turning his head the other way so he wouldn't have to look at Cas, he said quietly, "I can't even talk to you right now, Castiel."

Cas looked hurt by the use of his full name.

"Do whatever you want, but Kam is staying here with me. I promised to give him a good life, and if you bring him to Heaven he's going to turn into one of those brainwashed servants of Heaven." Dean leaned back against the car and closed his eyes. He couldn't even bear to look at Cas right now..it hurt too much.

A warmth was suddenly next to him. Cas had climbed up on the Impala's hood. He pressed his lips against Dean's, but the hunter did not return the kiss.

"I'm sorry."

"Save it. Go and do whatever you have to do."

"No..I mean I'm sorry about what I said." Cas tucked his head underneath Dean's neck, and desperately wished that Dean would return some of his gestures. Wrap an arm around him, touch his face, kiss him. But the hunter didn't do any of that.

"I don't know why you even said it in the first place." Dean mumbled.

"I'm upset, Dean."

"So you decide to leave your family?"

Cas sat up, knees to his chest. He buried his face into his knees and did not respond. They sat like that for a long time until Dean finally got up and started walking back to the house.

There was a small noise from behind him, and Dean knew without looking back that Cas was crying. No matter how much he wanted to just turn his back, he couldn't. Just how he couldn't ever turn his back on Sam, even if he was acting like a dick. It was called love, and Dean resented it at the moment.

He sighed, and soon he was standing next to Cas, who was still sitting on the hood. Wrapping his arms around Castiel, he held him close, and Cas cried his heart out, even though Dean felt that the positions really should be reversed at that moment.

Cas clutched at Dean, choking out unintelligible words in his ear. "Sorry...don't leave me."

"You're the one who's leaving me, remember?" Dean said, a bitter tone to his voice.

Cas cried harder, and Dean felt himself giving in, although he had all the reason to still be mad.

"C'mon. Let's go back in, we can talk about this." Dean heaved Cas off the car onto his feet, and they went back up to the house to their room, Cas still sobbing quietly into Dean's shirt.

Dean held Cas on the bed until the sobs slowed and then he wiped the tears away with the edge of his shirt.

"Dean..I don't want to leave."

"You're really confusing me here, babe."

Cas sat up running both hands through his hair. "You can't imagine what it feels like. It's as if I'm being torn in two. Heaven was all that I've know for thousands of years and now I'm just turning my back on them. God finally shows up, but now I'm Fallen. I can't...I don't know what to do."

"Yes you do, Cas." Dean said gently. Cas was right, he had no idea what Cas must feel. But the choice was obvious to him, and not because he wanted Cas with him.

"They're my family."

"Who backstabbed you and don't give a damn about you." Dean spat, thinking of Zachariah literally stabbing Castiel weeks ago. "We're your family now, Cas. Don't you care about us? How we feel? How I feel?"

Cas' eyes were tearing again, and he looked across the room, away from Dean. "Why would God bring me back then, if not to rejoin Heaven?"

"To have a life. The fact that he brought you back without your Grace tells me that he wants you to be human."

"But why would he want me to be human?"

Dean stood up, too much adrenaline coursing through his system to sit. "Like it's a crime to be human? I don't how God's mind works. I think that you did a service to Heaven by helping to destroy Lucifer. God saw that you had a kid, and someone who loved you and maybe he wanted to bring you back to them."

A tear rolled down Dean's cheek and he swallowed the lump that was in his throat. Cas looked surprised. He got up and went to Dean, pressing his lips to the hunter's. This time Dean returned the kiss, and hugged Cas to him tightly.

"Please...I don't want you to go." he whispered in Cas ear. "I love you, and I need you here. Heaven can cope without you, but I can't, and that is the God honest truth."

"The pull is strong, Dean. As soon as you mentioned God, I got caught up in what it would be like to be an angel again."

"You'll always be my angel, Cas, no matter what. You don't need wings to make you special."

Cas clung to the hunter, immense guilt coursing through his body as all of his words that were said to Dean replayed through his mind. How could he ever say that he wished none of this had happened? To threaten to run off to Heaven and bring Kam with him?

Had his brothers and sisters ever actually cared about him the way Dean did? Would they die for him? Cas thought not. Dean risked his life for Cas multiple times, would have given himself up to Michael, for Cas. Didn't that count for anything? Dean did not deserve this talk from him, and neither did Kam. They were a family together, a true family that loved each other and a family they would stay. Screw Heaven and the angels.

"Dean, I'm so sorry. I will never leave you. This is just still new to me..and I'm afraid." Cas kissed Dean's cheek. "But I believe that you are the only one who truly loves me, Dean. I will never let that go. Not for all the Grace in the world."

"I don't have to worry about you sneaking out at night to go join the God Squad?" Dean questioned, meaning for it to sound humorous, but it came out more serious and worried.

"No. you don't." Cas said with a finality, and Dean believed him. They went back to bed, Dean still embracing Cas as if afraid the man was going to disappear.

"I'm not going anywhere, Dean. That is the God honest truth." Cas whispered, meeting Dean's lips. "I think we're stuck with each other for a while."

"Great. There's nobody else I'd rather be stuck with." Dean laughed, but it was a laugh of relief, and Cas again felt guilty for having caused Dean so much worry. Although they could not feel each other's emotions anymore, Cas did not need that connection to know what Dean was feeling.

Cas clutched Dean's hand underneath the blankets, and their fingers entwined together.

"Since you're not going to run off to heaven anymore, I want to ask you something. Maybe you can do me a favor? It won't give a connection like we had when you were an angel, but it's something just as good." Dean said quietly.

"What?" Cas asked, curiosity ebbing through his voice.

"Will you marry me, Cas?"

Marry Dean? Marriage? The thing humans did when they felt that ultimate connection and love for each other?

There was silence and panic gripped Dean's heart again. Was Cas thinking again about running off? Maybe he shouldn't have asked, but he had felt the sudden need to somehow tie Cas to him.

Then Cas chuckled and said, "Of course I will, Dean. What other human will be stupid enough to want to deal with me?"

"Are you calling me stupid?" Dean joked.

"No. I'm just saying that we're in love." Cas kissed his fiancé again; the word sounded strange in his mind. He squeezed Dean's hand tighter, and when they woke up the next morning, their fingers were still entwined.