Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 6
EPISODE 14
Airdate: January 29, 2018
"Super Bowl Story Box V" (45-minute special)
Special Guest Stars: Al Michaels as Himself, Cris Collinsworth as Himself, Michele Tafoya as Herself, Heather Cox as Herself
#TYH613
SCENE 1
("Legend" by The Score plays in the background)
The montage starts off in front of U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis, Minnesota, the home of Super Bowl LII. The members of TSE are shown through various cuts, intensely staring at the camera while posing with footballs and wearing Minnesota Vikings jerseys. Interspersed are clips of the AFC champion New England Patriots and the NFC champion Philadelphia Eagles during the 2017 NFL season. The kids are then shown in the locker room of the stadium putting on their gear and presumably preparing to take part in the Super Bowl themselves. At one point, Carrie Underwood walks in while RK cleans his helmet, and she leaves when he looks at her with disgust. Clips of previous Super Bowls involving the two teams are shown, including last year's Super Bowl and Super Bowl XXXIX where the Patriots won their third Super Bowl in four seasons with a 24-21 victory over the Eagles.
The kids begin their walk through the stadium as they prepare to take the field, and then make their entrance to a huge ovation. The referee hands Sparky a coin, and he flips it in the air. When it lands, the camera shows a design of the Vince Lombardi Trophy in front of U.S. Bank Stadium on the quarter, with the words "Super Bowl Story Box V" appearing right in front of the trophy.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are watching TV one day when Buster yawns. He then yawns even louder, which causes the kids to stare at him.
WADE: Are you trying to get our attention, Buster?
BUSTER: A little bit. So, RK, it's that time of year again.
RK: The Royal Rumble? Yeah, I guess, but who cares when we all know who's gonna win?
BUSTER: No, not that. The Super Bowl. Next week's the Super Bowl and you have to tell your world famous stories.
SPARKY: World famous stories?
BUSTER: Yeah. Two years ago, to help me fall asleep, RK told me some stories about football.
JAYLYNN: Sounds pretty weird to me.
WADE: Didn't RK tell a story last year too?
BUSTER: Yeah, the one about the killer robots that tried to invade the Super Bowl and stop the Falcons from winning.
SPARKY: Looks like they didn't need the robots to stop them.
BUSTER: RK, you have to come up with something awesome this year. Like, your best one yet.
RK: Eh, Buster, I think I'm going to sit this one out. I don't want my stories to start getting repetitive.
BUSTER: You gotta be kidding me. Another great thing taken away by the white man.
RK: What?
BUSTER: Don't worry about it.
JAYLYNN: You know, we could just tell our own football stories.
WADE: Yeah, how hard could it be?
BUSTER: I don't know. I'm not going to like them if RK's not the one telling them.
SPARKY: Please, like RK's all that special.
RK: Excuse me?
SPARKY: In a storytelling sense.
RK: Ah. Beat. Excuse me?
SPARKY: Why don't I get us started? This story starts at school, and it's all about how Wade and I ended up freaking everybody out because we wanted to take a stand.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Horton's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
"The Radical Ones" (Sparky & Wade)
Everyone is walking into Mr. Horton's class early in the morning.
RK: So we're all going to Manny's Super Bowl party?
SPARKY: Of course. I heard this year, he has a big surprise.
JAYLYNN: Eh, I might skip it this year. I mean, Manny's so greasy.
BUSTER: I don't think he's covered in as much oil as you think he is.
WADE: No, Jaylynn means that Manny's a slimy, trifling piece of shit.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, the only thing that gets me upset about Manny's parties is he never has any Snickers ice cream. I'm tired of having to bring it myself.
RK: How come you always have to have Snickers ice cream on Super Bowl Sunday?
BUSTER: It's a Newman thing, you wouldn't understand.
MR. HORTON: Okay, class, settle down. Welcome to another homeroom. What I would like is for...BE QUIET BACK THERE, I'M TALKING TO YOU! Anyway, what I would like is for...
Static is heard over the loudspeakers.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Good morning, boys and girls of iCarly Elementary School. Please rise for the pledge of allegiance.
WADE: Ugh, I hate having to stand for the pledge every day.
SPARKY: I know, right? I mean, it's not like there's a law that says you have to do it.
RK: You guys could always sit down. I do it twice a week.
SPARKY: I don't know, man. That might be going too far.
RK: If it's going too far, then you shouldn't have a problem standing for it.
WADE: I think RK has a point, Sparky. What could they do to us? We're on the honor roll every semester. We practically run this school.
SPARKY: Yeah, you're right. You know what? Today, we sit down.
Sparky and Wade remain seated for the pledge of allegiance while everyone else is standing, but still recite it.
KIDS: I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America. And to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all.
MR. HORTON: Wait, wait a minute. Sparky, Wade, how come you guys weren't standing?
SPARKY: Because we didn't want to?
JAYLYNN: Oh, shit, I wasn't expecting this.
BUSTER: Sparky and Wade hate America?
MR. HORTON: Guys, you're coming to the principal's office with me.
WADE: I thought we ran this school.
Sparky and Wade give each other concerned looks.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Principal's Office
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Wade show blank expressions while Mr. Horton stands near the seated Principal MacGregor in his office.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Boys, I am absolutely shocked and disgusted by your actions this morning. This is inexcusable and this is not what we stand for here at iCarly Elementary.
SPARKY: All we did was sit down.
MR. HORTON: Principal MacGregor, these boys are great kids. I know they disrespected their country, but their punishment shouldn't be that severe.
WADE: We didn't disrespect our country.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Alright, boys. Explain.
SPARKY: We just don't think we have to stand up every time we do the pledge. I mean, we love America. Why do we need to be upright to prove it?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Because it's about class. It's about what the American flag represents. It's about saluting the people who give us freedom and liberty, like the military.
WADE: So you're implying we hate the military?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: How would I know? You sat down.
WADE: You brought up the military! You put something completely unrelated into this discussion!
Beat.
WADE: You know, with all due respect, sir.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I'm not even going to bother taking this attitude. Bottom line is, you two showed poor judgment this morning. I'm sending you both home for the day.
SPARKY: But that's not fair!
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Neither is treating the pledge of allegiance with contempt.
MR. HORTON: Do you think we should suspend them for a few days?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: No offense, David, but could you please not make this into a "we" thing?
Mr. Horton looks down on the floor in shame.
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Buster and RK are at their lockers.
BUSTER: So, naturally, that's why the Japanese live much longer than everyone else.
RK: Man, all I said to you was hi.
Sparky and Wade walk up to the boys.
RK: Hey guys. I'm surprised to see you here. Warden let you out early?
SPARKY: No, we were only sent home for the day. It was just something we did and we can move past it.
WADE: Agreed. If I knew the pledge of allegiance was such a big deal, I would have never sat down.
RK: Eh, I still do it.
WADE: Yeah, but when you do it, no one cares. You're the poster child for low expectations.
Beat.
RK: I'm not even going to try fighting that.
Jaylynn runs up to the boys.
JAYLYNN: Guys, you have to come outside! There are news trucks everywhere!
SPARKY: News trucks? What are you talking about?
JAYLYNN: Just come see. I think they're looking for you guys.
Sparky and Wade look at each other confused, then walk with Jaylynn outside. Buster and RK follow them, and when they arrive outside, they see four vans from various Seattle news stations parked near the school. Several kids have already made their way outside to see the commotion.
SPARKY: You have to be kidding me.
KIRSTEN EDWARDS: I'm Kirsten Edwards here for ABC News. I'm here to get an interview with Sparky MacDougal and Wade Saltalamacchia, two fourth-grade boys who made a bold statement by sitting down during the pledge of allegiance yesterday morning. Sparky and Wade walk up to the reporter. And here they come now.
WADE: Excuse me, but could you please leave? We're not giving any interviews.
KIRSTEN EDWARDS: Boys, with the political landscape in America being as volatile as it is today, what made you stay seated during the pledge?
SPARKY: Because we wanted to stay seated. We weren't trying to be political or anything like that.
WADE: Yeah, so everybody can stop trying to turn this into something it's not.
KIRSTEN EDWARDS: Were you trying to send a message to President Trump?
SPARKY: What message to Trump? We're not sending him anything!
Jaylynn steps in front of Sparky and Wade.
JAYLYNN: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but my friends are obviously uncomfortable so could you turn off the camera?
KIRSTEN EDWARDS: Two very brave boys trying to expose the hypocrisy in our country. Is it really justice for all?
JAYLYNN: Okay, let me help you out here.
Jaylynn walks up to the camera and turns it off, causing static.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Wade walk back into the school and get dirty looks from kids and faculty members.
WADE: Sparky, I feel really awkward right now.
SPARKY: Me too. It's almost like everyone's thinking about us in their heads.
At that point, some younger kids start throwing paper balls at the boys.
SPARKY: Hey, what the hell?!
KID: Anti-American!
KID #2: You guys should just leave if you hate it so much!
KID #3: You suck!
SPARKY: We're not anti-Ameri...you know what? I guess we are. We hate this country and this was our way of saying how much we hate it.
WADE: Sparky, what are you doing?
SPARKY: I just want them to leave us alone.
KID #2: Do you work with ISIS on the low? Or al-Qaeda?
SPARKY: Maybe we do, maybe we don't. You'll never be able to prove it.
WADE: Yeah, you guys make me sick. Talking about America like it's all peaches and cream. It's not! It's smoke and mirrors and all of you are drunk off of blatant media propaganda!
KID #1: What did you just say?
WADE: RUN!
The kids all run away from Sparky and Wade while screaming.
WADE: Well, at least that took care of them.
SPARKY: Yeah. I mean...
Sparky gets tapped by Manny, which makes him and Wade turn around at the same time.
SPARKY: What's up, Manny? I didn't even see you.
MANNY: Yeah, you two are uninvited to my party.
SPARKY: What? Why?
MANNY: You're terrorists, man. You sat down for the pledge. People don't want a damn thing to do with you.
WADE: For what? WE WERE JUST TIRED OF STANDING ALL THE TIME!
MANNY: Well, that doesn't matter now. I need to keep you guys away. The Super Bowl's for football, not politics. Freaking weirdos.
Manny walks away from the boys.
WADE: I can't believe this. We get sent home, harassed by other kids, and now we can't even watch the Super Bowl with our friends?
SPARKY: You know what? It's okay.
WADE: How is any of this okay? People think we're terrorists!
SPARKY: Look, as bad as it's been so far, it can't get any worse. I mean, seriously, what more could they really do to us?
WADE: We said that yesterday and we missed a whole day of school.
SPARKY: We were too cocky that time. This time, we have the upper hand. From here on out, we're golden.
SPEAKER: Excuse me, may Sparky MacDougal and Wade Saltalamacchia please come to the principal's office?
Sparky and Wade give each other concerned looks.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Principal's Office
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Wade are once again forced to talk to Principal MacGregor.
SPARKY: You're suspending us?!
WADE: Hold on, Sparky, let's just wait and see how much worse this can get.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, you guys are great students, but your political views are causing too much trouble. The news came here, faculty members want you expelled, and there are kids complaining about death threats.
WADE: Kids are complaining about death threats.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: So you admit it?!
WADE: No, it's a question. You can't tell because of my tone, but...
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Bottom line, you guys are distractions. This is a learning institution, not a Bernie Sanders rally.
SPARKY: For the last time, Principal MacGregor, this had absolutely nothing to do with politics. We just didn't feel like we had to stand up every day for the pledge. We like living in America, but it's not perfect. We have a lot of problems as a country that we need to work on.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: So you're basically admitting that this was political?
SPARKY: No, but I don't think it's healthy for people to be obsessed with a flag when not everything about America is great.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yeah, sure. Look, you guys are suspended indefinitely. The school board will decide your fate next week, and if they rule that you violated conduct, you're getting kicked out.
SPARKY: Kicked out?!
MacGregor's statement causes Wade to lose consciousness and fall to the floor.
SPARKY: WADE!
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Sparky and Buster are watching TV.
SPARKY: I don't know what to do, man. Wade and I are public enemy number one.
BUSTER: It's a tough spot, Sparky. I wish I could help, but if I sit down, I'll get kicked out too.
SPARKY: That really puts my mind at ease.
BUSTER: Don't worry, buddy. Things are going to get better soon.
Sparky's phone starts ringing.
SPARKY: Who is that? Sparky picks up the phone. Hello? Beat. Colonel Newman? Hey, how are you doing? This is a surprise. Beat. No. Sir, I don't hate America, I was just...what? Don't you think you're being a little unfair here? Beat. No, I'm not secretly aligned with North Korea! Sparky hangs up. Your dad's never called me a day in his life and the first time he does, it's for this. That's it. They might as well expel me and Wade.
BUSTER: That's not the Sparky I know. He wouldn't give up for anything. You can't let people shame you into doing stuff you don't wanna do.
SPARKY: But what other choice do I have? No one even wants to admit that we didn't do this for politics. They just want to treat us like savages.
Wade walks in at that point.
WADE: Sparky, this is the worst day of my life. I can't get kicked out of school.
SPARKY: How do you think I feel? Other schools will find out and we won't be able to get in anywhere.
WADE: Yeah, and we'll have to fall back on minimum wage jobs just to have any means of support.
SPARKY: Get told off constantly by some power-hungry geek with a pocket protector and way too many pencils.
WADE: Lose said jobs and then have no other alternative but to turn to a life of crime?
SPARKY: We'll be delinquents.
BUSTER: I think I have an idea.
WADE: Buster, if it has anything to do with standing outside the school while singing "A Change is Gonna Come," we don't want to hear it.
BUSTER: No, not that. I love that song, though. But I have a way for you guys to say what you need to say and stay in school.
SPARKY: Well, what's the idea?
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster sets up his phone on a stand on the coffee table while Sparky and Wade sit down.
WADE: So we're really making a video?
BUSTER: Yeah. It's so smart, you can taste it. You guys sit here and talk about why you did what you did. Then I upload the video to Facebook, the school board will see it, and they'll have to let you guys back.
SPARKY: It's a really smart idea.
WADE: You know what, Buster? You're on to something here.
BUSTER: See, I knew it. It's like a...ten-piece meal of intelligence nuggets dripping with genius sauce.
SPARKY: Okay, when do we start?
BUSTER: Right about...*Buster presses the play button on his built-in camcorder*...now.
SPARKY: Hi guys. My name is Sparky MacDougal.
WADE: And I'm Wade Saltalamacchia. Yesterday, Sparky and I were sent home for sitting down during the pledge of allegiance. And today, we were suspended indefinitely.
SPARKY: The school board's threatening to expel us next week, but we think our punishment is unfair. We didn't try to hurt anybody or make any political statement. We didn't even refuse to recite the pledge. We were just tired of always having to stand up.
WADE: And that's the worst part about life these days. No one cares what you really meant when you did something if they can strap on some imaginary reason to it.
SPARKY: So what we're fighting for is our right to do what we want. Don't question how we feel about our country, our home, just because you don't like how we did X, Y, and Z.
WADE: And no matter what, don't ever let people bully you into being like them.
Sparky presses the stop button on Buster's phone, ending the video.
BUSTER: That was awesome, guys!
SPARKY: You really think the school board's going to see this?
BUSTER: Please. After they see this, they'll be begging to have you two go back.
SCENE 10
Seattle Public Schools Board Office
Seattle, Washington
The board of directors are watching Sparky and Wade's video on a projection screen.
WADE: And no matter what, don't ever let people bully you into being like them.
DIRECTOR THOMAS: This is a disaster. We have to let these kids back in school.
DIRECTOR BRANFORD: For what? They disrespected the flag and their country by the stunt they pulled. It's a federal law to stand for the pledge of allegiance in every public school.
DIRECTOR MAXWELL: Technically, there's not a law, so...
DIRECTOR BRANFORD: Maxwell, you're fired.
DIRECTOR MAXWELL: You can't fire me. We both work for the superintendent!
DIRECTOR BRANFORD: Well, you should be fired, you dumb liberal f***.
DIRECTOR SHAW: Look, these boys were treated unfairly and deserve another chance to be in school.
DIRECTOR JENSEN: I agree. Plus, if this video goes viral, any hesitation from us will result in a national backlash.
DIRECTOR THOMAS: Then it's settled. Sparky MacDougal and Wade Saltalamacchia's suspension is lifted and they can return to iCarly Elementary.
DIRECTOR BRANFORD: I still think you're making a huge mistake.
DIRECTOR THOMAS: Branford, I'm going to get the superintendent and recommend your removal.
DIRECTOR BRANFORD: I'll behave.
DIRECTOR MAXWELL: Not so bold now, are you?
DIRECTOR BRANFORD: I always hated you, Maxwell.
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On the day of the Super Bowl, the members of TSE are watching the game together.
AL MICHAELS: So Cris, who do you think has the upper hand heading into this game?
CRIS COLLINSWORTH: I mean, you can't go wrong with Tom Brady, one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game. We saw what they did last season, so counting them out at any point just seems like something they can feel, something they can sense. I think Philadelphia definitely has its work cut out for them.
AL MICHAELS: Alright, we will now head down to the Eagles sideline where Michele Tafoya has her own reporting to take care of. Michele?
MICHELE TAFOYA: Al, Cris, the feeling in the Eagles camp is hunger. They were counted out against the Falcons, many were rooting for the Vikings over them, but they are here to...
At that point, someone from NBC comes to whisper something in Michele's ear.
MICHELE TAFOYA: You're saying I got cut for time? Please, this is a four-hour game. Cut This is Us for time, it's not like people are going to watch that. Okay, whatever. Oh, no, I'm still on camera? Um...back to Al and Cris.
The situation becomes more awkward as the game doesn't cut to Al and Cris for several seconds while Michele stands around smiling.
SPARKY: You know, we should have just had our own watch party this whole time. F*** Manny.
BUSTER: Sparky...
SPARKY: It's a party, who cares?
JAYLYNN: You know, guys, I'm sorry I didn't really stand with you. I should have been there for you more.
WADE: It's okay, Jaylynn.
SPARKY: Yeah, it's not a big deal.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but I should have done something. Why didn't I do something?
RK: Why are you trying to make this about yourself?
JAYLYNN: Why are you breathing down my neck?
SPARKY: Come on, guys, this is the Super Bowl. We should be directing our negative energy towards the Patriots so they lose.
WADE: You'll be sorry when they get another ring.
Beat.
RK: Kinda sucks we have to root for the Eagles this year.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut to the present day.
RK: I don't get it. What did that have to do with the Super Bowl or football?
SPARKY: Really? You didn't get what I was going for at all?
RK: Oh, I did, I'm just a little disappointed by your storytelling. That's all.
WADE: I really enjoyed that story.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, me too.
BUSTER: Maybe every year, we could all tell our own football stories.
RK: Oh, screw that. There can be stories told, but I'm the premier griot in here and I think it's time I show you all how it's done.
JAYLYNN: The hell is this, a story-off?
RK: You bet it's a story-off. It's the million dollar story contest. It's the damn Royal Rumble of stories. And I'm returning from injury at #30 to win it all.
SPARKY: Just tell your little story, griot.
RK: Thank you. Okay, mine is a little more traditional. Imagine a world where no one cared about the greatest unofficial holiday in America. Imagine a world...where no one cared about the Super Bowl.
Buster screams.
WADE: What was that?
BUSTER: I didn't know he was capable of doing horror stories too!
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
"Who Cares About the Super Bowl?" (RK, Wade, Adriana, & Anna)
On Super Bowl Sunday, RK whistles the main theme to Sunday Night Football as he takes the groceries out of the trunk of his car. He opens the door to find KG cleaning up the couch.
RK: Do you have psychic powers? How did you know I was on my way home?
KG: I didn't.
RK: Well, either way, I'm touched. Man, only 15 minutes to go until the Super Bowl. Sure, I missed almost the entire pregame show, but who really watches it anyway?
KG: RK, you can't watch the Super Bowl.
Beat. RK starts laughing.
RK: Dude, you had me going for a second there. You got me good. I think what really killed me was the delivery. "You can't watch the Super Bowl." All serious and shit. Grab some Doritos, man, it's game time.
KG: RK, I am serious. You can't watch the Super Bowl here.
RK: Why? Do you hate me?
KG: No, because I made it clear that I have plans with the TV today.
RK: Plans? What plans? You never confirmed those plans with me. You didn't even follow the procedure!
KG: I did follow the procedure! How dare you tell me I didn't follow it?!
Cut to a flashback the day before where RK walks in the kitchen whistling the SNF theme. A note in KG's handwriting sits on the refrigerator that says, "RK, me and the guys are using the TV tomorrow so you'll have to watch the Super Bowl somewhere else." However, even as he walks towards the fridge, opens it, grabs a bottle of juice, and closes the fridge, RK ignores the note completely and whistles his way out of the kitchen. Cut back to the present day.
RK: Well, you probably did, but I demand to know what you need the TV for!
KG: Rodney and Trevor are coming over so we can continue binge watching Friends. Right now, we're on the last season. We still can't believe Joey and Rachel only dated for two episodes.
RK: So, uh, let me see if I got this straight. Instead of watching the biggest game of the year, you want to spend your Sunday polluting your brain with the most overrated sitcom ever made?
KG: Look, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it's a bad show.
RK: I don't care what Reddit says, it was mediocre.
KG: Anyway, it's not like I'm cancelling the Super Bowl. You can always find another place to watch it.
RK: Lucky for you, I can. NBC's website is showing a live stream of the game, so it looks like all my first half snacks won't be going to waste.
RK walks upstairs with the groceries.
KG: What about your second half snacks?
RK: I got those days ago. What kind of football fan do you think I am?
At that point, Wade walks in.
WADE: Hey RK, I just talked to Adriana and Anna. They'll be here soon.
RK: For what? We're watching the Super Bowl with them? I guess I can get with that. I just hope they bought their own devices, my computer's not that big.
WADE: It's our double date today.
RK: A double date? I don't remember signing off on any double date.
WADE: Yeah, you did. Last week, remember?
RK looks up at the ceiling with squinted eyes trying to remember the event in question.
KG: What are you doing?
RK: Oh, I'm just trying to jog my memory by going into deep thought.
RK looks up at the ceiling again. Cut to a flashback from the week before. Wade is talking to RK while he plays Madden 18.
WADE: So I was talking to Adriana yesterday.
RK: Uh.
WADE: And she and Anna really want to spend some time with us.
RK: Uh huh.
WADE: So I was like, "Why not have a double date?" And she said that would be cool, so she's going to talk to Anna about it.
RK: Uh?
WADE: So is that something you would be interested in?
RK: Bigga, baby.
WADE: I'll just take that as a yes. And by the way, it's next Sunday.
RK: Uh huh.
WADE: Alright, I'll see you at school Monday.
RK: G'yeah.
Wade walks out of the house. RK momentarily stops playing.
RK: Wait, what just happened?
Cut back to the present day.
RK: Ah, I'm sorry, Wade. I didn't know I scheduled that date for today. On Super Bowl Sunday. The Super Bowl Sunday.
WADE: You made sure to record it, right?
RK: Yeah.
WADE: Well, when you get home later, you can just fast forward through the lame stuff and catch the commercials and the halftime show.
RK: Lame stuff? You mean, the game?
WADE: What else would I mean?
RK: Come on, Wade, this has to be considered child abuse. Besides, the Patriots are going for back-to-back titles. I thought you would be doing cartwheels.
WADE: The game's just a formality. We all know the Eagles don't stand a chance.
RK: Well, it's not my fault. If the Vikings didn't drop the ball, you wouldn't be saying that.
WADE: Look, RK, we can't just bail on our girlfriends. We said this Sunday, so we're staying true to our word.
RK: You can't just hang out with them yourself?
Adriana and Anna walk in at that point.
ADRIANA: So are you guys ready to go?
WADE: Yeah, like I'm about to entertain two girls without a wingman. No way.
KG: You know, you guys could continue this talk outside. Rodney and Trevor will be here any minute.
WADE: Are you guys binge watching Friends again?
KG: You don't have to say it like there's anything wrong with it.
ADRIANA: I like that show. I feel like Phoebe reminds me of me.
ANNA: I hate Chandler. He always says his jokes like they're really funny. Like, they're not. Shut up.
KG: Yeah, I could see that. I mean, could he be any more of a try hard?
ANNA: I know, right?
WADE: Now that we know how we all feel about a show that's no longer on, let's hit the road.
RK: Hold up, everybody. I can't believe I'm the only person in this house that cares about the Super Bowl. I mean, when did this country lose its priorities? Its morals? Peyton Manning did not retire for this shit.
ANNA: Is that the best guilt trip you can do?
RK: I had a lot of confidence in it.
WADE: Look, RK, this is supposed to be a fun day. Let's not waste it on pointless nonsense.
RK: I agree. So to resolve this issue, I think it's time for another RK Jennings signature moment.
WADE: Well, the dream is over.
SCENE 14
Big Paul's Lounge & Grill
Seattle, Washington
RK has taken Wade, Adriana, and Anna to a sports bar. They are crowded around the pool table.
RK: You wanted fun, guys? Well, what could be more fun than this place?
ANNA: You call this fun? I mean, look at the slogan for this place. Anna picks up a napkin from the floor. "Big Paul's Lounge & Grill. Where a man can be a man and destroy his marriage at the same time."
RK: Hey, not everything is black and white. This is a great place to be. Good food, reasonable prices, support for the local teams. What more could you want from an establishment?
WADE: Before today, you've never stepped foot in this establishment.
RK: Look, they're showing the game so who cares? By the way, I need you to look over Adriana and Anna for three hours. You know, show 'em a good time.
WADE: Forget it. We're not spending three hours in this dive.
ADRIANA: We're going to be here for three hours?!
ANNA: Oh, screw that. We're getting outta here.
RK: No, we're not. Wade's going to keep you ladies from getting bored.
WADE: No, Wade's not. Look, RK, I know the Super Bowl means a lot to you, but get a clue. They don't wanna be here, I don't wanna be here, and in ten seconds, you're not gonna be here.
RK: Wade, this is bigger than us, don't you get it? This is football. We didn't land on the Lombardi Trophy. The Lombardi Trophy landed on us.
Beat.
WADE: Are you serious right now?
RK: As serious as brain damage. See you in three hours.
RK takes a seat at the bar to watch the game.
AL MICHAELS: And now, we're going to turn to Heather Cox for a special backstage report.
HEATHER COX: Thanks Al. Right before kickoff, we've gotten the opportunity to get an exclusive look at U.S. Bank Stadium's state of the art scoreboard, just recently updated for the Super Bowl. This is an NBC exclusive treat.
Cox tries to open the door for the scoreboard, but it stays locked.
HEATHER COX: Oh. Well then. Looks like the network didn't get me any clearance for this. Well, back to you, Al and Cris.
AL MICHAELS: Well, a sad state of affairs, but hopefully, that gets resolved by halftime.
CRIS COLLINSWORTH: I always liked Heather's enthusiasm. It's infectious.
WADE: She has a really nice camera presence.
The other bar patrons stare at Wade.
WADE: I mean, this nonsense is getting in the way of the football. Come on, I want some broken bones! I want to see some coaches make poor choices!
Adriana taps Wade on his shoulder.
WADE: Yes, sweetheart?
ADRIANA: Wade, this double date is complete crap.
WADE: Look, Adi, I don't want to be here any more than you guys do, but RK's like a crackhead when it comes to the Super Bowl. I mean, you think my idea of a fun date is sitting next to a bunch of sweaty-necked, chain smoking man-children who...
Some of the bar patrons circle around Wade while holding pool cues.
WADE: Who could kick my ass sideways, backwards, and at a 90-degree angle?
ADRIANA: Should I go?
WADE: Yeah, this might end up being my last stand.
Adriana leaves while some of the patrons hold Wade down to his seat while keeping a pool cue wrapped around his throat.
WADE: Yeah, that's better. RK, if I make it out of this alive, I'll beat you like the Seahawks beat the Broncos.
RK: Yeah, yeah, references. LET'S DO THIS THING!
ADRIANA: Anna, are you as bored as I am?
ANNA: You wish you were more bored than me. God, this sucks. I just wish the Super Bowl would die.
ADRIANA: No kidding. Well, since we're going to be here for hours, why don't we watch some TV?
ANNA: Yeah, I guess. Let's see what's on.
RK: Alright, here we go!
AL MICHAELS: The Patriots won the coin toss, elected to defer in the first half. And now, the kick from Allen will get us underway here in Minneapolis.
The opening kickoff from Patriots punter Ryan Allen begins the game. Adriana presses some random buttons on the remote and the TV turns to the music video for "Airplanes" by B.o.B featuring Hayley Williams. Everyone in the bar is displeased and begin swearing and shouting.
BARFLY: Are you serious? Who changed the TV?!
BIG PAUL: It was those kids!
The attention turns to Adriana and Anna.
ADRIANA: This remote controls all the TVs? Who would've known?
Beat.
ADRIANA: Anna did it.
Adriana tosses the remote to Anna.
ANNA: Oh, I'll get you for this, man.
The bar patrons chase after Anna, who drops the remote behind a large panel with all the cable boxes placed in it.
WADE: This is more interesting than the game.
RK: Okay, okay, I'll just get the remote and everything will go back to normal.
RK walks over to the panel, and tries to move it but is unable to.
RK: Wade, could I get some extra muscle here?
WADE: Sometimes, I wonder what you would do without me.
Wade walks over to the panel and him and RK end up tipping it over, causing all the TVs to lose picture.
WADE: Maybe I should have just stayed home today and did absolutely nothing.
SCENE 15
Big Paul's Lounge & Grill
Seattle, Washington
The bar patrons are now enraged at RK and Wade.
BIG PAUL: I want you stupid kids dead! Super Bowl Sunday is my biggest day of the year! I'm going to lose so much money, YOU ASSHOLES!
RK: Look, Paulie, big guy, relax. Everything will work out just fine.
BIG PAUL: It will?
RK: Yeah. My mission was to watch the game just like all of you guys did. Some of you wanted to watch the game and get drunk. We can all still get what we want.
ADRIANA: Everyone but us.
ANNA: Amen. I'm still getting you though.
WADE: RK, where exactly are we supposed to take a bar full of people who want to watch the Super Bowl, eat, and get drunk?
RK: Introducing Plan A.
Sparky is watching TV when RK calls him.
SPARKY: What's up, RK?
RK: Hey Sparky. You watching the Super Bowl?
SPARKY: No, I'm taking the year off. The Seahawks didn't even make the playoffs so why bother?
RK: You guys are killing me. Look, I'm at Big Paul's. Their TVs got ruined and they have nowhere to watch the game. Could we all head to your place?
SPARKY: No way. I'm not going to take care of a whole bar full of drunks and feed them unannounced. I already have one Bitch Clock.
RK: That's the beauty of it. The people here could snag drinks from the attic to fuel their alcoholic needs.
SPARKY: So when Bitch Clock decides who to kill, are you going to step up?
RK: Alright, Plan A is down the drain. See you tomorrow.
RK hangs up and calls someone else. Jaylynn picks up her phone.
JAYLYNN: RK?
RK: Hey Jaylynn, my buddy. Look, we're bros, right?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, we are.
RK: Well, as your bro, I need a favor to ask. Could I bring an entire bar full of people to watch the Super Bowl at your house?
JAYLYNN: You're smoking K2, aren't you?
RK: Jaylynn, these guys have nowhere else to go. It's the biggest game of the year!
JAYLYNN: Dude, who cares about the Super Bowl?
RK gasps.
RK: You little twit, how dare you?
RK hangs up.
RK: I just called Jaylynn a twit. What the hell is happening to me?
WADE: Give it up, RK. It's over. Nobody in this bar is going to watch the Super Bowl.
ADRIANA: Yeah, let's just go. The day's not over yet, we can still have fun together.
RK: Yeah, let's go. You guys win.
The kids begin leaving the bar.
BIG PAUL: So you guys can't even fix the TVs?
RK: I'm not Larry the Cable Guy. And neither are they, so what are we really talking about here?
RK tries to leave, but Big Paul grabs him by the neck.
BIG PAUL: I'm not losing my biggest payday.
RK: Okay, I'm sorry you feel that way. Now, here's my response to all that.
RK pulls out his gun and holds the patrons, including Big Paul, at gunpoint. Everyone screams in horror.
BIG PAUL: What the hell are you doing?
RK: Now, I implore you to try this again. You don't want it with me! I can shoot right now and CNN will say I have a mental illness! So who wants to try it?!
At this point, RK gets a phone call.
RK: I'm gonna just put my gun down while I answer this. RK looks at his phone. It's Buster. RK answers the phone. Hey Buster, how are you doing?
BUSTER: How am I doing? The question is, how are you doing? This might be the best Super Bowl I've ever seen!
RK: Wait, so you're actually watching the game?
BUSTER: Of course. You can't miss the Super Bowl. It's the WrestleMania of football!
RK: Exactly! We must be the only ones who still care. You know, Buster, I'm at this bar, and there's a whole bunch of guys here who want to watch the game, but all the TVs are out. You think I could bring them to your place?
BUSTER: Sure, I don't see why not.
RK: Really? Because these are all grown men. Very grown men who are going to walk into your condo and eat all your food.
BUSTER: Man, I already have enough food to spare. I even have halftime snacks.
RK: That's genius. I should've thought of that!
BUSTER: Besides, I wanna help out your friends.
RK: Alright. I'll bring them over there soon. Thanks, man. RK hangs up. See, Wade? When the chips are down and I can't count on anyone else, Buster always comes through. Alright, guys, if you wanna catch the Super Bowl, follow me to my friend's condo! Oh, and because I have the gun, that's an order.
SCENE 16
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster burps while eating Snickers ice cream and watching the game.
AL MICHAELS: And that's a first down! What a pass by Nick Foles!
CRIS COLLINSWORTH: You know, the fact that Foles recognized the blitz and could still pull off that throw is beyond my understanding. That's the kind of play that can define your career and turn everyday players into legends.
Buster hears the ring of the doorbell and goes to answer it. RK leads the large group of bar patrons into the condo while Wade, Adriana, and Anna are carried into the condo by some of the barflies. They are then delicately placed on the floor. Buster is completely unfazed.
ANNA: Thanks, I appreciated that.
BUSTER: Welcome to the Newman home, everyone! Happy Super Bowl Sunday! I don't have any alcohol, but there's enough Pepsi to survive an explosion.
RK: That's fine. They're going to drink the Pepsi, and like it. Aren't you, boys?
The bar patrons all nervously shake their heads, including Big Paul.
RK: Great. Now, let's all cop a squat and enjoy this game.
RK and the bar patrons find places to sit down while Wade, Adriana, and Anna look at the situation with bewilderment. RK winks at Wade and motions his neck towards the girls. Wade sighs.
WADE: Come on, ladies.
ADRIANA: But what are we...
WADE: Just come on, I'll explain in Buster's room.
Wade walks upstairs with the girls while Buster opens up a box of Papa John's.
BUSTER: Papa John's, anyone?
RK: Wait, you still order Papa John's? That's not cool.
BUSTER: Hey, if you could still enjoy Chris Benoit's matches, I could still enjoy this pizza!
SCENE 17
The Newman Condominium
Interior Buster's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Wade is currently lecturing Adriana and Anna.
WADE: So that time machine thing was a little weird, but at least we restored the space-time continuum and everything went back to normal.
ANNA: Wade, no offense, but why are you telling us this?
WADE: Because RK and I have had exciting lives, and since they don't teach science in the schools anymore, we wanted you guys to know about our stories too. Now, what have we learned today, if nothing else?
ADRIANA: That RK is the only one of us having any fun? I mean, at least he's watching the Super Bowl.
ANNA: Yeah, we've lost the whole day. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Adriana and Anna start leaving the room.
WADE: Guys, guys, I have more science stories to share! You want to hear the one about the hamsters? I still don't fully understand it myself. And they're gone, and I'm alone now.
Wade runs out of the room to catch up to the girls.
SCENE 18
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade, Adriana, and Anna walk downstairs to see everyone absorbed in the game.
ADRIANA: Enjoying your Super Bowl, guys?
RK: Wade, I thought you were keeping them busy.
WADE: I tried, but they didn't appreciate it. See, kids spend all day reading Harry Potter and watching Star Wars, but when you try giving them a pure, realistic science story, they look at you like you're mentally ill.
RK: Might be the way you tell the story. I mean, you do get technical.
WADE: It's a flaw, but one I'm trying to work on. What's the score?
RK: Seven to zero.
WADE: Alright, I guess...
The bar patrons pull Wade down and have him sit next to RK while they hold him.
WADE: You know, in today's society, you guys might catch a charge for this stuff.
BUSTER: If you don't mind me asking, big guys, what happened at the bar? How come the TVs went out?
BIG PAUL: It's all thanks to Rick and Morty over here!
The barflies, including Adriana, boo RK and Wade while tossing popcorn at them.
WADE: Hey, don't blame Morty. This was all Rick's fault.
Everyone turns their attention to RK and tosses popcorn at him.
RK: Alright, I deserve that. But at the end of the day, we're alive, we're all watching the game, and everyone's having a good time.
Everyone cheers for RK's statement.
ANNA: Everyone but me.
Anna walks into the kitchen disappointed. RK and Wade look at each other with concern.
WADE: You wanna take care of that?
RK: Yup.
RK gets up, wipes the popcorn from his clothes and walks over to the kitchen where Anna is sitting at the table.
RK: Hey Anna. I think it's time for us to talk.
ANNA: Okay, talk.
RK: Well, I know you're kinda upset about not going on the double date.
ANNA: Kinda upset? When I lost my favorite scarf, I was kinda upset. When they stopped selling chocolate honey buns at the corner store, I was kinda upset. But with this? I'm pissed.
RK: Look, I know how you're feeling. It sucks when you have something planned out and it doesn't happen like you thought it would. But life is just a never-ending cycle of failure and disappointment. It's not fair, but we all have to deal with it.
ANNA: Makes sense to me. So when a certain boyfriend says he wants to watch the Super Bowl, but he already said he was going to do something else, he should have to deal with that too?
RK: You know what? I set myself up for that. Like, part of me knew you had the counter, but I still went for it.
ANNA: I just couldn't believe how selfish you were today. I mean, we don't even hang out that much anymore so I thought today would be our day. But the joke's on me, right?
RK: No, it's not. It's on me. I'm sorry, Anna. I was so obsessed with the game, I didn't care about you at all.
ANNA: I don't get what the big deal is with the Super Bowl anyway.
RK: Well, it's the NFL championship game. People all over the world watch it, they get the biggest stars to perform at halftime. Plus, companies pay obscene amounts of money to advertise their shitty products. Everyone wins.
ANNA: Sounds exciting.
RK: Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you're not happy. I failed you today, Anna. I don't want a football game to come between us.
ANNA: Just to make sure, you're going...
RK: Yeah, when WrestleMania comes around, I'm going to be the exact same way.
ANNA: I'll make sure to call you the day before then.
RK: You know, it's not too late for us to spend some time together.
ANNA: Yeah, but with daylight savings time and shit, I don't think it's worth it. We might as well just do it next week.
RK: I'll make sure I remember this time.
ANNA: Please do.
RK: I can't forget something that comes from your face.
RK and Anna then kiss.
ANNA: So who's doing the halftime show anyway?
RK: Oh, Justin Timberlake.
ANNA: WHAT?! The Justin Timberlake?!
RK: Yeah, he's trying to redeem himself after he helped screw over Janet.
ANNA: Dude, if you told me this before, I would have said, "F*** the double date." What are we sitting around here for?
RK: You're damn right, IT'S THE SUPER BOWL!
ANNA: SUPER BOWL!
RK AND ANNA: YEAAAAAAH!
RK and Anna run out of the kitchen and take their seats together.
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut back to the present day.
RK: And that, my friends, is a Super Bowl story in its purest form.
WADE: Nice job, RK.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I liked the message at the end there.
BUSTER: Five stars, man, five stars. If I was a teacher, you would get an A-plus.
SPARKY: You stole the whole thing from that Full House episode.
RK: I adapted it! At least I wasn't trying to be abstract like you.
SPARKY: I made it clear what the message was!
BUSTER: Okay, so Sparky told a story. RK told a story. We still have time for one more?
SPARKY: I think we do. Wade, Jaylynn?
WADE: Oh, I'm not really a storytelling kinda guy. According to RK, I'm too technical.
RK: I was just advancing the narrative, man.
JAYLYNN: I guess it's up to me. I was thinking about a story, but it's kinda weird.
BUSTER: You should tell it. How weird does it get?
RK: It probably won't top the evil robots.
JAYLYNN: Well, no, but this is about a real crazy road trip.
Beat.
SPARKY: Do I get a lot of lines in it?
SCENE 20
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"By the Time I Get to Minneapolis" (TSE & Halley)
The segment starts with the group members and Halley in the living room together watching TV.
SPARKY: Alright, so the travel buddies are set.
JAYLYNN: I don't get why we can't just travel to the Super Bowl together.
RK: Because the last time we took a road trip together, it was a disaster.
Cut to the five kids in an RV, bored and not saying anything.
SPARKY: So you guys, uh...watched that basketball game the other day?
WADE: It's not even basketball season.
SPARKY: Well, you know...gravity.
WADE: What?
SPARKY: I don't know.
Cut back to the present day.
HALLEY: I don't see how that trip was such a disaster.
RK: That's just it. We're around each other so much, we had almost nothing to talk about.
SPARKY: Which is why splitting up into teams of two will make the experience more interesting. I'm with Jaylynn, RK's rolling with Halley, and Buster will tag team with Wade.
BUSTER: I don't want to have to hear this guy talk the whole weekend about how great the Patriots are.
WADE: Are you upset because your team didn't have the mental stamina to make the playoffs? Or beat us three years ago?
BUSTER: YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THAT TITLE IF WE RAN THE BALL!
SPARKY: Okay, okay, we have all the time for pointless arguing this weekend. But for now, we just have to consult with our travel buddy to make sure everything's fine.
RK: Halley?
HALLEY: Yeah?
RK: Make sure you're ready to go tomorrow morning. I have a way to get there before anyone else does.
HALLEY: What are you talking about?
RK: You'll see. Just trust me.
SCENE 21
The Vidal Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, early in the morning, Halley is sleeping when "Survival of the Fittest" by Mobb Deep begins playing loudly. It wakes Halley up and makes her scratch her head.
HALLEY: What the hell is going on?
Halley leaves her bed and opens the curtain to reveal RK standing in front of an RV. She then runs downstairs and walks out the front door, as the song is coming from the RV itself.
HALLEY: Oh no.
RK: All aboard! Next stop, Minneapolis.
HALLEY: RK, are you insane? You're gonna wake the neighbors up!
RK: Eh, no one cares about loud music being played anymore.
*out of view* NEIGHBOR: Whoever's playing that God-awful rap, I'LL SHOOT THEM!
RK uses a remote control to stop "Survival of the Fittest" from playing any further.
RK: Well, I guess I didn't factor in that some people are still old-fashioned.
HALLEY: Why did you come here so early? We're not even supposed to leave until tomorrow.
RK: Ah, that's the beauty part, Halley. We're going to get the jump on everyone else by heading for the Super Bowl ahead of time. We keep it on the down low, and by the time they get to the hotel, they'll be like, "Wait, what kind of shit is this?" It's a total Baltimore Colts move.
Beat. RK sighs.
RK: You know, back in 1984, when the Colts owner moved...
HALLEY: I'm just going to stop you right there. That's what I'm gonna say whenever you make a reference I don't get.
SCENE 22
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn are at their lockers a few hours later.
BUSTER: Something...is different.
WADE: You mean, the fact that RK and Halley aren't here?
BUSTER: Well, yeah, that. But I noticed Jaylynn has a new hair color.
JAYLYNN: Buster, I haven't changed my hair color since before I moved here.
BUSTER: Then what the hell is so different today?!
SPARKY: Seriously, does anyone know where they are?
JAYLYNN: Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure they went to Minneapolis early.
SPARKY: Of course. That son of a bitch RK picked his spot and now him and my girlfriend are going to be the first ones there?
JAYLYNN: You know what this means, right?
BUSTER: We follow them to Minneapolis and bring them back?
WADE: I'm open to trading if anyone else is.
SPARKY: It means that instead of going on the road tomorrow morning, we're going today right after school. We're going to get to Minneapolis first and RK and Halley can eat that.
WADE: Well, what if we get there first?
JAYLYNN: Pffft, you hear this, Sparky?
SPARKY: Yeah. These guys getting there first. Pffft, yeah.
JAYLYNN: Yeah. I mean, they probably think the Seahawks are going to be in the Super Bowl too with all their dreaming.
Sparky and Jaylynn start laughing.
BUSTER: They're calling us mediocre?
WADE: They sure are. Well, we'll show you jerks. We're going to hit the road tonight and make it to Minneapolis faster than you can say Franz Ferdinand.
JAYLYNN: Franz Ferdinand. You're still here, what's up with that?
WADE: Come on, Buster. Let's go strategize.
*to Sparky* BUSTER: You did this!
Wade and Buster leave the hallway.
SPARKY: We'll beat them.
JAYLYNN: Of course we are. They don't have the skills to compete.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Wait, who the hell is Franz Ferdinand?
SCENE 23
RK and Halley are currently on the road, with RK driving the RV along an unidentified path.
HALLEY: RK, I feel kinda bad about not telling Sparky.
RK: Why? He knew the risk. I mean, it's not like you're cheating on him. Wait, are you?
HALLEY: Hell no.
RK: Good. I never trusted you that much when it came to Sparky.
HALLEY: Why?
RK: I think it's your eyes. They're deceptive.
HALLEY: No, they're not!
RK: Yeah, they are. They say, "I'll do something to you, but you won't know I did it until after I'm done doing it."
HALLLEY: Now I know why Jaylynn talks about you so much.
RK: Jaylynn's been calling me out? She wants to settle this on the streets?
On the side of the road, a family yells "Hey" to RK and Halley. RK pretends he doesn't hear them and keeps driving.
HALLEY: I think those guys want our attention.
RK: What guys? I didn't hear anything.
HALLEY: RK, I know you saw those people shouting at us.
RK: Look, Halley, those people are probably homeless or cops disguised as the homeless. Either way, I'm not getting killed before I get to the Super Bowl.
HALLEY: But what if they need our help?
RK: Then they can get it somewhere else. Besides, I can't make an illegal backwards turn. I could lose my RV license.
HALLEY: You shouldn't even have an RV license! Look, if you don't turn back around, I'm telling Sparky you made a move on me.
RK: You little...okay, fine. But now I know for sure not to trust you. You snake. You snake with your damn T-shirt on. I bet you're a Patriots fan on the low.
HALLEY: Yeah, yeah, just turn the RV around.
RK puts the RV in reverse until he reaches the family.
HALLEY: Excuse me, guys, did you need our help?
KEVIN: Yeah. My name is Kevin and this is my family. We had a ride for the game, but they left us here. Now we're stranded.
HALLEY: Well, you can ride with us. We're going to the game too.
RK: Halley...
KEVIN: That would be great. Come on, guys, LET'S GO TO MINNEAPOLIS!
Kevin leads his family into the RV with their belongings.
RK: Halley, you're not going to see Minneapolis after I'm done.
HALLEY: Look, dude, these people need our help. And if there's one thing I learned from Sparky, it's that you should always try and be there for people in need.
RK: Well, if there's one thing my dad taught me, it's that if you don't have a gun on you, you'll probably end up in a dumpster tied up chewing on an alarm clock.
HALLEY: What the f***?
RK: I never said my dad was a wise man.
SCENE 24
Sparky and Jaylynn are on the road in Sparky's car.
JAYLYNN: Dude, where are we?
SPARKY: Somewhere in Montana, I think.
JAYLYNN: Oh, that explains why there are only white people here. How many of them you think are registered Republicans?
SPARKY: Jaylynn, you can't stereotype people like that. What if someone went to the Dominican Republic and said, "Look at all these dirty animals smoking crack and eating bamboo sticks?"
JAYLYNN: I would beat the crap out of them so they would never say anything like that ever again.
SPARKY: Hey, look, a gas station.
JAYLYNN: You're acting like that's the first gas station you've ever seen.
SPARKY: No, there's a store there where we can buy snacks for the ride.
JAYLYNN: Oh, that's great. I just hope they don't have weird crap like...vegan Lunchables and non-dairy spray cheese.
Cut to the two leaving the corner store with their snacks.
JAYLYNN: I'm shocked. I thought for sure they would have water and twigs in there.
SPARKY: It's Montana, not ancient Mesopotamia.
JAYLYNN: Always expect the worst. That way, you're never surprised.
The two put their snacks in the trunk and then get in the car. It drives away while a car with similar versions of Sparky and Jaylynn pull up to the station. Cut to Sparky and Jaylynn in the car.
JAYLYNN: So, you ever thought about adding a sixth person to the group?
SPARKY: I don't think so, we work better with five. Besides, who would it be?
JAYLYNN: It could be Anja.
SPARKY: You only say that because she's your best friend.
JAYLYNN: That's not true. She has a close friendship with RK and Wade. They just went on an adventure where they...had to find the key from...the evil Mortimus.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: You're not going to say anything?
SPARKY: I wanted it to really sink in how much I didn't believe you.
At that point, two police cars are behind Sparky and Jaylynn.
SPARKY: Is that the cops?
JAYLYNN: SHIT! Dude, speed this up and don't look back for anything.
SPARKY: I can't do that! They're on our tail!
JAYLYNN: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE DID, BUT THEY'LL NEVER CATCH US!
SCENE 25
That night, Buster and Wade are driving on the highway.
WADE: We're making great time. Sparky and Jaylynn are going to wish they never doubted us.
BUSTER: I don't get it. Why didn't we just fly to Minneapolis?
WADE: Because we all agreed to drive here.
BUSTER: No, we didn't! You even mentioned buying plane tickets last week!
Beat.
WADE: Wow. You...you're right, Buster. I'm sorry, I really don't have an answer to that.
BUSTER: I guess it's not so bad though. You and I out here on a trip. Exploring the wide open spaces of our country.
WADE: Yeah, it's great to take in, isn't it?
BUSTER: I don't get it. If this environment is so great, how come people always trash it?
WADE: Eh, most people really don't care about it. They just say that to make them seem important.
BUSTER: Oh yeah. It makes me sick. One day, I'm going to be a super environmentalist guy. I'm going to go around telling people to pick up their trash and recycle. And, um, drink more water. And if they don't drink enough water, they'll all die.
WADE: Trust me, you don't want to be that person.
BUSTER: Why not?
WADE: Because people are going to think you're a dirty liberal that doesn't know anything.
BUSTER: What's wrong with liberals? We wouldn't have Starbucks if it wasn't for them!
WADE: Because, uh...it's complicated.
BUSTER: Are you a liberal, Wade?
WADE: No.
Beat.
BUSTER: Are you secretly ashamed of being a liberal?
WADE: I'M NOT A LIBERAL!
SCENE 26
RK is still driving the RV with Halley in the passenger's seat.
RK: Alright, I'm gonna hit the bathroom.
HALLEY: Do you need me to drive?
RK: No, you'll get pulled over. I just put it on auto mode so it drives itself.
HALLEY: Wow, that's so cool.
RK: I know, right? It's this super nifty thing called technology.
HALLEY: Shut up, RK.
RK: You shut up, Halley. I'll kick your ass right here in middle America.
HALLEY: I'll kick your ass.
Beat.
RK: Well, we can find out later on who can kick who's ass, but for right now, I'm hitting the bathroom.
RK walks towards the bathroom and sees Kevin's son eating his Pop Tarts.
RK: Hey, hey! What is this? Those Pop Tarts aren't yours!
BOY: I didn't see your name on it.
RK: It says "RK Jennings" on the box, you idiot. Who did you think it belonged to, the boogeyman?
BOY: Maybe it did.
RK: Listen, you, those Pop Tarts have more frosting on them than ever before. It's a limited edition. So the next time you touch my food, I will wring...
MOM: Hey, don't talk to my son like that!
RK: Why don't you talk to your son like that? It will teach him about putting others before himself. My parents taught me better than you apparently did.
RK walks into the bathroom and screams.
RK: OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?! IT'S CALLED LYSOL, GUYS! OH, GOD!
SCENE 27
Missoula Police Department
Interior Interrogation Room
Missoula, Montana
Sparky and Jaylynn are at the interrogation table having been brought in by two male cops.
SPARKY: Look, officers, I have no idea what this is about, but you have to let us go. We have a hotel in Minneapolis to get to.
COP #1: There will be plenty of time for hotels once you're in jail.
SPARKY: How? We can't go anywhere.
COP #1: You tell me.
COP #2: Look, you two need to confess right now to the shooting of Bill Masterson.
JAYLYNN: WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
COP #2: You look really nervous, sweetheart. You okay?
JAYLYNN: No. Because it looks like my deodorant sucks. You're making me nervous, stop staring at me.
COP #1: Look, Bill was the clerk at the Hoo Ha Hut, the corner store you guys went to earlier tonight.
SPARKY: Wait, what? You're saying we shot the clerk?
COP #2: You sure did.
JAYLYNN: We shot the clerk?!
COP #1: You admit it!
SPARKY: No, we didn't shoot the clerk!
COP #1: A-ha! If you really didn't shoot the clerk, you would have said "a clerk," indicating you had no idea of what we were talking about. But you say "the clerk" which means you know exactly what you did!
JAYLYNN: What the f*** are you guys saying?
COP #1: What are you guys saying?
COP #2: Look, two guys who looked like you walked into the corner store harassing Masterson for money. He wouldn't give it to you and you shot him, didn't you?
SPARKY: We don't even have a gun!
COP #1: You probably melted the gun down or gave it to one of your connects, didn't you?
SPARKY: You're coming up with imaginary scenarios in your head. We're just trying to get to the Super Bowl.
COP #2: Should've thought of that before you shot the clerk.
JAYLYNN: WE DIDN'T SHOOT ANY CLERK!
COP #1: Oh yes, you did.
Beat.
SPARKY: Make America great again.
COP #2: What?
SPARKY: Fox News?
Beat.
SPARKY: That didn't endear us to you, did it?
COP #1: This county is traditionally Democratic.
SPARKY: Shit.
SCENE 28
The next morning, RK is driving the RV when Halley comes back from the bathroom.
RK: Halley, we need to talk.
HALLEY: Look, RK, I know you're still upset about the Pop Tarts, but maybe the note fell off. Use an adhesive next time, I don't know.
RK: It's not about the Pop Tarts, Halley. It's about the bathroom, the clothes on the floor, the loud music when I'm driving late at night. These people are complete freeloaders.
HALLEY: Okay, maybe they are getting a little too comfortable here.
RK: And here you are saying, "Oh, we should help them out when they're in need." "I'm Halley. Dak dak derka dopey dodily doe."
HALLEY: I've never said that shit in my life. Don't make fun of me. But you're right. This was a bad idea. You know what they did this morning?
RK: What?
HALLEY: They got rid of all my Big Bang Theory episodes. I mean, it's okay if you don't want to watch it, but why delete them when you didn't even record them?
RK: Oh, I hate when KG does that. One time, he got rid of all my Everybody Hates Chris episodes. I didn't talk to him for a week.
HALLEY: So should we kick them out?
RK: Looks like it. I would prefer we give them a beating they'll never forget, but your way's probably safer.
RK clears his throat and turns towards Kevin and his family.
RK: Okay, Kevin? You and your family are gonna have to go at the next stop. It's over.
KEVIN: What do you mean, it's over? We haven't even made it to Minneapolis.
RK: Yeah, but the thing is, it's just not working out. You guys are unnecessary cargo and we need to meet up with our friends soon, so...we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
KEVIN: You're kicking us out?
RK: Do you want me to write it down so you can see it in print?
KEVIN: We were nothing but nice to you guys. We didn't spit, we didn't cuss, and now you're kicking us out?
RK: Look, you guys just don't mix with us. Nothing personal, we just don't think it's working out anymore. And why are you towering over me all creepy like that?
Cut to RK and Halley near a hotel in North Dakota.
RK: I can't believe this! They actually carjacked me! And that shit was a rental!
HALLEY: You know, we could catch a Greyhound bus to Minneapolis.
RK: Oh, I'm not worried about getting there. I'm just pissed I'll never see that RV again. And here I thought I could never love anything the way I love Anna.
HALLEY: It's going to be okay, R.
Beat.
RK: What did you just call me?
HALLEY: R?
RK: Dude, don't shorten my already shortened name. That's not cool. What if I just decided to call you Hale?
HALLEY: Ewww, not even Sparky calls me that.
RK: Yeah, now you see how gross nicknames can sound.
SCENE 29
Missoula Police Department
Interior Holding Cell
Missoula, Montana
Sparky and Jaylynn are in a cell by themselves.
JAYLYNN: You know, I hear some prisoners actually get paying jobs at these prisons once their time is done. That's something, huh?
SPARKY: Jaylynn, for some reason, that just makes me more upset.
JAYLYNN: Look, I'm just trying to lighten the mood here. And you know that's not something I'm comfortable with!
SPARKY: How did it come to this? We just needed to drive to Minneapolis. That's it. Drive to Minneapolis, check in at the hotel, and watch the Super Bowl live. Now we'll probably go to court and die by getting sliced up by some guy named "The Equalizer."
JAYLYNN: It's not that bad, Sparky. We'll get through this. Just like we do with everything else. We need to stay positive.
SPARKY: Okay, you're right. You're right. I just need to calm down. Panicking is not the answer to anything. Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll catch the real criminals.
OFFICER: MacDougal, Hernandez, your stories check out. You're free to go.
The police officer walks up to the cell to free Sparky and Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: God must be watching over us or something. Maybe he is real.
SPARKY: So you arrested the real shooters?
OFFICER: Yup. The real shooters were driving a Toyota Camry just like you guys, and they had similar height and physical characteristics. Sorry for putting you in such a bad spot.
SPARKY: Well, no hard feelings, I guess.
JAYLYNN: Except we're never coming back to Montana...ever. Next time, we're flying like normal people.
SCENE 30
Marriott Minneapolis
Exterior Entrance
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Buster and Wade pull up near the hotel.
WADE: This is amazing. We have to be the first ones here, right? We have to be.
BUSTER: It has to be. I don't see any other cars around. We made it! We're first!
WADE: We're first!
WADE AND BUSTER: We're first!
Wade and Buster high five each other. At that point, another car pulls up near the hotel. RK gives the cab driver some money and he and Halley exit at the same time.
RK: You know, I should write a letter to Roger Goodell. What kind of idiot puts the Super Bowl in a cold-weather city anyway?
HALLEY: Didn't they do that four years ago?
RK: I didn't like it then either, Halley.
HALLEY: Hey, wait a minute. That's Wade's car, right?
RK looks closer and notices Wade's car.
RK: Yeah. It is. But...but what's it doing here?
HALLEY: I guess it's telling us that we're not first.
RK: NO!
RK runs towards Wade's car and starts knocking on the door.
RK: What's going on here? How did you end up first?
WADE: Because we had great strategy, unlike you guys.
HALLEY: We were carjacked!
BUSTER: Oh, that's a great excuse.
Buster and Wade begin arguing with RK and Halley. The argument quickly turns into unidentifiable gibberish, and Buster soon gets out of the car to have a slap fight with RK in the middle of the street. At that point, Sparky's car pulls up near the hotel.
JAYLYNN: Wait, so the Eagles have never won the Super Bowl before?
SPARKY: Nope. This is their third try.
JAYLYNN: Wow, they suck. Philadelphia must be ashamed of them.
SPARKY: It could be worse. They could have lost four Super Bowls in a row.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Did that actually...
SPARKY: Yeah, that was a real thing.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. Is that Buster and RK slap fighting?
SPARKY: Yeah, it is. They actually got here first?!
JAYLYNN: Son of a bitch.
Beat.
SPARKY: Should we stop this?
JAYLYNN: No, let's just sit back and watch this.
SPARKY: Yeah, this is actually pretty damn funny.
SCENE 31
U.S. Bank Stadium
Minneapolis, Minnesota
The scene starts with a bird's eye view of U.S. Bank Stadium at night, which then dissolves into a shot of the commentary booth.
AL MICHAELS: And this is the second edition of the Super Bowl held in Minneapolis, 26 years removed from the first one. What a championship game so far.
CRIS COLLINSWORTH: I tell ya, Al, a lot of people were counting out the Eagles ever since they held up that NFC trophy, but they're making believers out of this crowd here tonight. This has been a very defensive, hard-fought first half.
SPARKY: You know, this is a way better game than people said it would be.
BUSTER: Yeah. Wade, are you sweating yet?
WADE: You know how this story ends, Buster. Just wait for it.
The kids are all smiling while watching the game.
SCENE 32
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut to the present day, where the boys are visibly confused.
JAYLYNN: What?
SPARKY: That's it?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. What more do you want from me?
RK: You didn't even come up with an ending! Where's the payoff?
JAYLYNN: RK, I'm tired. Give me a break.
BUSTER: Yeah, RK definitely had the best story.
SPARKY: You didn't like mine?
BUSTER: Oh no, you definitely had the best story.
JAYLYNN: So my story was garbage?
BUSTER: Okay, you had the best story too. I'M JUST A CHILD!
WADE: Hey Buster, how come you can't tell a story?
BUSTER: Me? Oh, I'm not worthy.
RK: If Jaylynn could half-ass it like she did, you have nothing to worry about.
JAYLYNN: I. Am. Tired.
BUSTER: Alright. I'm going to use all of my brain juice that I can squeeze to make a good story. Buster clears his throat. It all starts at the Super Bowl. Everyone's throwing lemons at RK as he stands on the field during the coin toss. Why are they doing that? Well, to answer the question, we have to go back three weeks.
WADE: Alright, I'm out.
Wade gets up and walks out of the house without saying another word. Beat.
RK: So where exactly do they get the lemons?
Cut to black.
("Waiting All Day for Sunday Night (Super Bowl Edition)" by Faith Hill plays over the end credits)
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY SUPER BOWL SUNDAY
GOOD LUCK PATRIOTS AND EAGLES