Devotion 22
"Are you afraid of this place?" Bella asked him as they stood in the dark near the water.
Edward wasn't afraid. He was cautious. Observant. He trusted himself to come up with a plan, need be, but no, he wasn't afraid of a place. His fear was the irrational kind, the kind that snuck up on him when he slept or worse, kept him from sleeping at all. His fear was triggered by crap that had little to do with anything real. But this place?
"No," he told her, feeling content to hold her, even when nothing supported this effort at affection but his willing arms. But nothing forbade it either. He was free now. Free to do this, to feel her so near, how she was made, different. Small but...giant emotions. He had no idea how her body contained them.
"What if they find us? Or someone else? It's dark here," Bella said, making no attempt to move.
"Are you afraid?" he said, his voice smoothed by a tone foreign to him.
She took her time answering. "I should be. I guess."
He agreed. "C'mon. I want to show you something."
He was reluctant to break this ring of good feeling they had made, but he took her hand and tried to pull her toward the abandoned shack.
"Am I going to regret this?" she laughed.
"You want to know more about me," he said, and that got her quiet and more willing to follow.
They quickly reached the shack. Edward messed around with the door a little. It was swollen with disuse, and once closed it seemed locked. He shoved it with his shoulder, and it burst from the frame. Something scurried inside.
"What is this place? Crackhouse?" she asked, following him over the threshold.
He looked at it through the dim moonlight coming through the small grimed window. Wow. It was nothing.
"It smells in here," she said.
"Yeah. The ah…wildlife takes over."
"Crackheads," she said.
"Yeah. Maybe," he said.
"Dude, let's get out of here," she said.
"We ah… When I first came out…I spent a couple of weeks here," he said quietly.
"Came out? You are gay!" she accused.
"No. Walked away. From my…position. At the school. I was a teacher. I ah…I'd rather it wasn't told around. I like it…private."
She bit her bottom lip and looked around. She'd been holding onto Edward, but now she folded her arms. "So you came here? You didn't have any money? You were on the run?"
"I came up from Brazil. I'd been sent there to a retreat. I'd been there a while. I was teaching languages."
"And you came here? To this crummy hole."
"Yes."
"Why not home? Or a friend with a couch? Were you broke?"
"I could have called home. But then… If I called home they would want…I wasn't ready."
"For?"
"Their ah…good intentions. I was used to being on my own. I left right after high school. I disappointed them. At first. I made something of myself. Always had a plan that didn't jive with the direction they'd planned. My father had planned. Step-father."
"You were a teacher though. They weren't proud?"
Edward smirked. "I don't know."
"And so you quit. Isn't that what people do? They change jobs. Or did you have a contract or something? You're in trouble? You were, or you are?"
"Not in trouble. I just walked away."
"From the job. Or more? Are you married?"
He laughed some. "No. I mean I walked away from the life there. I couldn't continue. The motivation was gone."
"For teaching?"
"Not just that. For the whole life that came with it."
"What life are you talking about?" she said, her hands on her hips now.
"I was sent to the…school. It was an effort to stave off the inevitable. I knew I wanted to leave. But they thought..."
"You were staving off the end of what…your career? Or…are you sick?"
"No. Not sick. I mean, the end of my career. I was on a path for my life. It was more than a job. It was a big commitment to an organization." She had no idea at the understatement.
"One of the uniforms. Why won't you just tell me? Tell me, Edward."
"I am."
"You don't trust me."
"It's more complicated…"
He didn't yet know if he could trust her. He didn't know if she was his team or his enemy. She was out there, public. She let words fly. She was reckless.
The years of discipline. He didn't act on emotion, and that's what this was. Emotion had a purpose. It fueled duty. Devotion. But emotion couldn't call the shots. It couldn't lead. Until he understood where to put her, he couldn't open up.
"That's not how teaching jobs work, right?" she said more softly. "I mean…who sent you? Like the CIA or something? Was teaching languages your cover because…you've got secrets, dude. I've been around liars and lies for a lot of years. I'm not smart like you, but I know when someone's not on the up."
She stared at his lips, but he figured she wasn't looking for a kiss. She was looking for those lies she'd accused him of.
It would be delicious to lean over and taste her lips. He knew their attraction was mutual. He still reeled from holding her earlier.
He could lace his lack of forthrightness with sex. She'd trust that.
She asked for so little. Expected so little. He could start it. If it didn't work out…he could go. In the meantime, he'd have her again, in his arms.
He'd have her…and her complications. The unpredictable behavior. The temper. The mouth. How long before he'd want to get as far away from her as he could?
So he would. She was right. He'd go. He'd already thought about it.
But…could he give her enough in the meantime? Fill her small wants and even throw in benefits where he could? Protection certainly. He could make her life better. For a time.
And what would he lose? Just his personal conviction that life could be, should be more. That love should be the purest most selfless act of devotion. Yeah that. The core of everything he believed.
And what about Shanni? What lesson would Edward McCarty teach her by the way he would treat Bella? Would his lesson be that men, even seemingly good ones, use women and leave in the end?
And Alice. If he was with Bella, his last shred of independence would vanish. They were a packaged deal. Three of them.
It wouldn't be worth it. He was leaving. He needed to go. Soon. Very soon. Because he wasn't thinking right. And when he went down…he needed to go down alone. That's how he'd do it. Alone.
He was done with teams. Team efforts. Done being a part of something bigger than himself.
He was free.
Free to self-destruct on his own terms. His own way.
She knew it. And he did, too.
She turned and stepped back outside. "Okay, Edward. Know what? I think you're probably a good guy. But what do I know? You haven't met Shanni's father so…I have a couple of strikes. But…you play games. And I'm not up for it. I'm tired. And I've got a kid I want to check on. Need to. A mother thing. So I'm gonnna try to find my way out of shanty town and go home. You can come if you want but…if this is more your style…curl up in the corner with a squirrel and have at it. Me? I'm out."
He jammed the door shut and followed her to the car. One thing, one thing. He didn't want that shack anymore. He'd moved up. To the flat.
One more thing. He was with her now. In the car. She needed to know.
"I'm not playing games," he said.
"Really? I know what you were thinking back there, dude. You won't be around long. You're all fucked up, aren't you? That shack…my building. You don't belong there, Edward. You don't belong in my world. And I don't belong in yours. See, I knew that right off. That's why…I came on to you. I did. I wanted to. I still…want to. Cause I know you'll be gone before we have to face all the shit that would make it impossible." She laughed and started the car. "Shows how fucked up I am."
He was struck for a moment. She had blindsided him. He hadn't considered that all of his noble reasons for abstaining were the very things that attracted her to the possibility of more with him. She knew it was temporary. For her, that was the appeal.
She took a final look at him and laughed. She knew her words had rammed him further into a corner.
To his relief, she started the car and they started the miserable jog over the tracks. She cursed loudly and told him he would be buying her new tires if she got a flat.
For everything wrong about her…about him. Them, there was one thing he couldn't deny. Bella Swan was the only one who had the guts to keep on coming.
And even as he withdrew, "into his corner," she was the squirrel that might actually reach him.