A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Here's the new chapter and I hope it won't be too depressing :( I'll try to update next week! :D Comment if you please! 3

(17) The Sea

The waves splashed gently against his feet. The water rose to his shin. It was cool enough to make him shiver, but not cold enough to freeze him. Leon stared at the gigantic egg yolk ahead. Half of it was hidden behind the horizon. The light emitted illuminated his face, half of which was covered by his red-and-black checked scarf. He had rolled up his sleeves and his jeans. The sand felt soft and smooth under his bare feet. Spotless. Pure. Heavenly.

It was Lukas's suggestion though. They had submitted their project and gone for tea. Again, Leon wasn't sure if it counted as a date. There were many things he was uncertain about and he didn't bother to explore the truth. Sometimes, truth could be devastating. It could frustrate and annoy someone. Neither of them felt repulsed at the moment so they reckoned each other's company a tolerable daily routine.

They seldom went for movies because they could never agree on what to watch. Lukas would be watching horror and Leon would be insisting on action or sci-fic. Dinning was fine since both of them were gluttons and all kinds of cuisines appealed to them. A stroll in the park would turn into a competitive race to the nearest downtown. A casual walk in the mall would suddenly become a frenzy of shopping and extravagant spending. So, most of the time, the two boys were just wandering on the streets. They weren't even conversing or holding hands. They walked side by side, each browsing different things from different shops which they never entered. Hands in their pockets, they ambled down the road like two strangers. Yet, they stood too close to be called strangers. They were never affectionate when they were out. No kisses. No hugs. No contact. Once they were indoors, they got down to crazy make-out, endless moans and sex.

Peculiar. That was the only word Leon would use to describe their relationship.

So close, yet so far.

When Lukas asked if he would like to go to the seaside, he only shrugged and nodded his head. Lukas wasn't the romantic type. He never planned anything for their 'dates' and Leon didn't really mind that. He didn't need someone clingy or overly expressive. He just needed to know that someone was there for him. Maybe loving him.

The beach was empty. It was as though they had booked the entire land. It felt wondrous and free. Once in a while, Leon needed some tranquillity. Here, there was no noise, no sight of people, just a plain blue sea that glittered with the setting sun.

When the sun disappeared, the moon would come up.

He wished this moment could last forever.

And deep down, he wished Lukas could never let go of him. All the feelings of being loved, protected and owed came back to him. It washed away his problems and nightmares.

When Lukas hugged him from behind, bringing him a cup of hot chocolate, Leon became conscious again of their height difference. He was still half a head shorter than Lukas and it seemed perfect because Lukas could just easily close the distance with a slight lowering of his head. His lips came in contact with Leon's left cheek.

Now, Leon knew why Lukas took him to the seaside.

He probably didn't want to be intimate in front of the public. Sometimes, Leon would see him blush but he forced himself not to dwell too much on Lukas's shy expression. He was wild, violent and merciless in bed. It was just incredible. His lover was incredible.

'Why would you stand in the water?' asked Lukas. His arms were still around Leon.

'I don't know,' replied Leon. 'I, like, haven't been here for a while.'

And then, he remembered when he last came here and it tormented him. He didn't want to look back at the hotel near the beach.

'Would you like to sit down instead?' asked Leon. He turned around and focused his eyes on Lukas's pale, handsome face.

'Up to you.'

So, they found a spot and settled down. Leon started fiddling with the sand and Lukas slouched against him on one side. Neither of them spoke. They just watched the illuminating sun and drowned themselves in the peace.

They stayed like this for half an hour, when the sun almost vanished from the horizon.

'Emil said you used to come here,' said Lukas. Leon stayed silent and glanced at the darkened sky. 'He said you like the sea.'

'I lived in a coastal city when I was small,' explained Leon. 'Like, really, really far away from here.'

'Oh.' Lukas nodded as he listened. 'In Hong Kong?'

'Yes.'

'How was it?'

'I forgot,' Leon lied. Most of his childhood memories were composed of his parents arguing and quarrelling with each other. There were images of furniture being tossed around and pills that piled up in his mother's bedroom.

'Did you come here with someone before?' asked Lukas.

Leon would have thought Emil had told his brother everything, but it seemed that Emil did value his privacy. The one he used to come here with was Arthur and he had no intention to tell Lukas that.

'Yea,' said Leon. 'But, like, quite some time ago.'

And as he looked out to the rimless horizon, he remembered everything.

'Are you alright?' Now, Lukas was staring at him. Only then did Leon realise that he was squeezing the empty paper cup.

'You wanna know why I like to stand in the water?' Leon smiled faintly at Lukas. He pointed to the dark water. 'At night, it's cold, like really really cold. So cold you would feel all your senses being wiped away. Frozen. Dead. It feels amazing. You will walk slowly and with each step, it will, like, cover more of your body. Like you're going back into the egg you once hatched from, except that the water is cold. Cold enough to make you forget stuff. Everything that has happened since birth and you feel amazing. Just amazing.'

Leon paused, his eyes flickering as he gazed at the welcoming sea.

'When your head is fully immersed, it's like you've become part of the Earth. That's something.'

Lukas didn't say a thing. He followed Leon's gaze and looked at the sea. He couldn't picture what Leon had done out there before. Maybe he had tried to walk into the water and drown himself?

'And no, it's not as frightening as you think it is,' said Leon. His gaze fell back on Lukas's beautiful blond curls. He started twiddling them. 'It's, like, the whole world has abandoned you and you can abandon it as well. Just wonderful.'

And there were tears in his eyes.

(18) A Disease

Depression was a disease. It haunted him. It infected him. Probably until his death.

Even though he had everything he could have asked for, he felt empty. Insecure. He once destroyed his genuine friendship with Emil. He once ran away from a family he recognised. He feared that one day he would break the thread with Lukas.

'I'm, like, sorry,' muttered Leon.

He hated it when he broke down. Worse still, he broke down in front of Lukas.

'You talk too much,' whispered Lukas. He cupped his cheeks and started licking the tears that trickled down from his eyes.

'It makes things worse,' said Lukas.

'You know what,' sighed Leon. 'I wasn't supposed to tell you this much. It's, like, pointless anyway.'

'Not really,' argued Lukas as he pinned Leon down and straddled him. 'I'd love to hear it- everything about you.'

'Well then, I might, like, have to disappoint you,' said Leon with a chuckle. 'I'm not an interesting person.'

'Everything about you interests me so,' said Lukas.

He bent down and kissed the boy hard, sucking his lips and intruding his cavern. Leon felt a hand slip underneath his shirt, slowly making its way to his chest and nipples. Kisses were planted along his neck. Marks scattered across his shoulder blades. He groaned and held Lukas's head closer to him. The blond started fumbling with his belt. He undid Leon's belt and pulled down his jeans. The wind got colder but Lukas was on top of him blocking it all. He asked Leon to suck his fingers, with which the brown-haired boy complied.

After preparing him, Lukas let his length break free from the confinements and positioned himself above his partner. He entered the boy while biting down his bottom lip. Leon moaned and tightened his legs around Lukas's hips. Neither of them even worried for a single second that someone might discover them. Lukas began to thrust his shaft deep into Leon, who cooperated well with his hips and his twitching entrance. Sex was the language they used to communicate. From the very beginning, Lukas had taken an interest in him. His love was fiery. Fearless. And unfathomable. He let it all out in sex.

The forceful thrusts. The persistent coercion. The feral moans and the incessant marking.

It was cold out there on the beach, but they were sweating.

Lukas rammed deep into him and pulled out halfway before slamming his length back in.

'You know what feels better than standing in the water?' Lukas smirked as he whispered into Leon's reddened ear.

'W-What,' Leon managed to mumble. He had a hand over his eyes and Lukas undoubtedly brushed it away and pinned it down.

'No, no, don't cover your beautiful erotic face,' said Lukas. 'Don't you enjoy this?'

'Shut up-'

'Admit it,' continued Lukas, thrusting harder into his partner. 'It feels better than in the water.'

'What are you-'

'You know what you need when you want to forget things?' said Lukas. He moved his hips faster, causing Leon to groan. 'Me. Remember it.'

'Pervert,' grunted Leon.

'They won't believe you even if you say so.' Lukas's smile irritated him to the core and yet it was so tantalising. 'You're the one who made me a pervert.'

He wished Lukas could just stop feeding him with dirty talks.

'Gosh, stroke me,' requested Leon.

'What?'

'Stroke me, Lukas.'

'I can't really hear you,' said Lukas. 'You've got to try harder to let everyone know you're enjoying this.'

Leon growled and took the initiative to kiss Lukas. He pushed him back so that he was sitting on him, his legs wrapped tightly around Lukas's hips. He moved up and down, synchronising with Lukas's thrusts. He broke the kiss and stared into Lukas's eyes. 'Stroke me, please.'

'If that makes you feel better, sure,' said Lukas, seemingly satisfied with his eagerness. He fondled Leon's length and started stroking it. Leon's face burrowed deep into Lukas's shoulder. Their moans echoed with the waves. It was getting hotter and they were inching towards their peaks. All they heard were each other's voices and the slapping of their skin. Leon grunted as he came, his cum dripping down from its tip onto Lukas's hand. Lukas ended it with a hard thrust, causing Leon's muscles to tighten around him. He came with a low groan. The two of them stayed motionless for a while, simply panting and indulging in the passing sensation of bliss.

Leon's cheeks were red and puffy when Lukas looked at them again.

At least, it wasn't caused by the tears. That's all he needed to know.

(19) Realisation

Happiness usually didn't last long for Leon. His whole damn life had been a roller coaster ride. Once it reached its peak, it plummeted to the bottom again. He thought he could live to a day when all the scars vanished from his wrist but it seemed that a wristband was always required.

When he woke up in bed, Lukas was gone. He scanned the familiar setting. The familiar pale blue curtains and the sparkling chandelier. The same floor tile and rose decorations on the wall. The same layout. He could vaguely remember where the kettle was located in the cabinet and the hairdryer that was hidden in the lowest drawer. Who would have thought that he could come to this place twice, each with a different partner?

Lukas's phone was left on the nightstand. Leon could've peeked through it but he decided not to do so. There was not such a need either. He just got off bed and dressed himself. He searched the room and couldn't find Lukas. He eventually left the hotel room and walked down the hallway. It was two in the morning and his lids were half falling.

Once he got down to the ground floor, he walked into the lobby decorated with golden wallpapers, expensive artworks and luxurious decors. The lady at the reception table smiled cordially at him and asked if there was something he needed. Leon said he was looking for his partner. After giving a brief description of Lukas, the lady immediately pointed out that she had seen him buy something from the restaurant and walk away with two other guests.

Leon shrugged and headed to the lounge, where he successfully found Lukas chatting with two other boys. One had shaggy light brown hair dressed in a large red trench coat. He even had a small top hat with two ribbons on his head. Somehow, when he talked, his canines showed as if he had two fangs. The other boy was…

Leon widened his eyes. Even though Lukas had his back facing him and had the blond-haired boy half covered, Leon recognised those green eyes.

He took a step back and frowned.

Why? Why would Lukas know Arthur? And why were they chatting so leisurely and happily?

A thought crossed his mind. He tried to shake it off but the sight of Arthur destroyed the last bit of his optimism.

The boy with fangs was the first to notice his existence. He stopped talking to Lukas and blinked curiously at Leon.

'Lukas, do you know that boy?'

When Lukas turned around, Leon took another step back.

'Leon?' It came from Arthur, who hadn't changed much. He still had that head of messy dark blond curls and striking thick eyebrows which Leon used to admire. His tone still carried sarcasm and scorn that never failed to make Leon obey everything he said. He glanced at Leon inquisitively as if they had been missing each other for years. Leon could almost hear the teasing from Arthur's heart.

The chatters stopped and everyone's smile was frozen. They all stared at Leon as if he was an alien.

Of course, he was the alien. How could he be so foolish? Being tricked once was enough and he still hadn't learnt his lesson.

Leon felt the heat return to his cheeks. He raced back to his room and packed his stuff. Lukas, utterly confused by his abrupt behaviour, ran after him. When he entered the room, Leon had already zipped his bag and he headed straight towards the door.

'Leon? You're awake?' asked Lukas.

Leon didn't say anything. He walked past Lukas.

'Wait, where're you going?' Lukas grabbed his wrist and frowned.

'Home,' muttered Leon. He tried to free himself from Lukas's grip but Lukas refused to let go.

'What the hell? At a time like this?' growled Lukas. 'We're staying overnight!'

'Not anymore,' said Leon coldly as he flung off Lukas's hand.

'What's wrong with you?' Lukas's eyes glimmered with fury as he pulled Leon back into the room and pushed him against the wall. 'We're not going home!'

'I am,' said Leon. He pushed Lukas back, which shocked the blond. 'You can, like, stay here for as long as you want but I'm leaving.'

'What's going on?' asked Lukas. He grabbed Leon's elbow his time. 'Are you nuts?'

Leon stood still and glared at Lukas.

'Are you cry-'

'I don't think this is funny,' said Leon. He tried his best to hold back his tears. 'You think I'm a joke to you? So you didn't just have a bet with Mathias, but with Arthur too? If you think this is fun, you should, like, lay off.'

'What?' Lukas's brows were almost creased together. He had no idea what Leon was saying. Nor did he have any idea why he was sobbing and quivering in rage.

When Lukas stepped forward, Leon shoved him away- the first time he ever rejected his advance so bluntly and retaliated with violence. Lukas landed on the floor. Leon looked guilty for a second but then his wrath overtook him. Tears flooded his eyes.

'I hate you,' he mumbled. 'Lukas Bondevik. Don't let me ever see you again.'

He stormed out of the hotel room, leaving the door almost unhinged.

Lukas sat on the floor. His butt ached, but not as much as his heart.

The word 'hate' lingered in his ears and he didn't even have the time to ask- 'What did I even do, damn it.'

(20) Relief

When Arthur broke up with him, they were celebrating their first anniversary in the hotel.

They even had sex that night. Arthur called it a 'good-bye sex'.

The next morning, he told Leon that they should probably stop seeing each other. Leon took it as a joke at first but the solemn face Arthur made while taking a puff on his cigarette convinced him otherwise. He asked for the reason and Arthur was more than glad to give him one.

He had fallen in love with another boy.

And Leon was just a substitute to replace Yao, whom Arthur had pursued before but failed to tame. Leon had thought he meant something to Arthur at least. He was nothing like Yao. Well yea, they might have come from the same family and were brothers at that but Yao was talkative, frugal and pretty much conservative. Leon was a whole lot different, but then again, to Arthur, both of them were just young orientals with girlish facial features, attractive dark hair, porcelain skin you would want to carve for good and utterly beguiling body one would ravage over and over again. At that time, Yao had a Russian best friend with a large built. Ivan almost allowed nobody to go near Yao at all. Arthur began to divert his attention to the little brother that was always following Yao around. He wasn't as mesmerising as Yao. He looked dull, reticent and rather frail inside, but Arthur could still have fun with that.

A broken heart was the hardest to mend, but Arthur's sweet lies were something else. They made Leon believe that Emil's rejection wasn't the end of the world but rather the beginning of a new-found relationship. Arthur gave him everything he wanted. He bought him stuff. He taught him things. He helped him get over his deteriorating friendship with Emil.

So, why would an angel lead you to heaven and suddenly send you back to hell? Leon didn't understand it.

When Arthur broke ties with him, he cried. He only let his tears show after Arthur left the hotel room. He was abandoned. Sitting naked on the bed. Like a lost child. A bird without wings.

That night, he walked along the seaside and ventured deep into the sea. The waves were huge and the water was freezing. He floated there for a long time. Aimlessly. Like a piece of garbage.

Leon knocked on Yong Soo's door for the third time. Following the sounds of a glass shattering and a chair toppling over, the door was opened. Yong Soo met him with his tousled hair and sleepy eyes. His pyjamas top was buttoned incorrectly and it was oversized.

'Dude, what's up?' Yong Soo yawned. 'It's the middle of the night, man.'

'I think I will, like, crash in here for a while,' said Leon.

'Oh, sure.' Yong Soo let Leon in and closed the door. One thing Leon liked about Yong Soo was that he was always so random and carefree. Unlike Yao, who would ask this and that, Yong Soo would just help out when he requested.

'Thought you'd have picked a better time, bro,' said Yong Soo. He tried to pick up some garbage from the floor. 'I'd have cleaned this place up a little.'

'Don't worry,' said Leon. 'I'll just take the couch.'

'Is something wrong?' asked Yong Soo. He was fully awake now. 'I haven't seen you for a while and you didn't call. Heard people say that you're going out with that…what's his name again? Anyway, you got evacuated or what?'

'Nah,' said Leon. He had already put down his backpack and lay down on Yong Soo's couch. 'Just some…issues. And I need some company.'

'What about Emil?' asked Yong Soo and he immediately regretted it. When Leon closed his eyes silently, Yong Soo knew he was trying hard not to cry in front of him. Leon turned his back towards him and curled up his body.

Yong Soo got him a pillow and a blanket. He switched off the lights and decided to let the boy calm down for the night.

'Thank you,' mumbled Leon, his voice full of sorrow and exhaustion.

Yong Soo was still sleeping when Leon woke up. Everything occurred to him like a terrible dream. He made his way to the bathroom and cleared his head with a hot bath.

Water- hot or cold, it was soothing. It sedated him. It made him forget.

Then, he remembered Lukas's words.

He must have been an idiot to let Lukas bang him so many times.

He must have been a fool to even believe for a brief second that he might love and care for him.

Who was he to deceive?

Arthur didn't love him. He just enjoyed being his saviour and then shattered his dreams altogether and tormented his heart.

Lukas didn't love him. He just had a bet with his buddies and enjoyed the erotic, degrading sight of him being fucked by a cock.

Nobody loved him.

It was the truth.

And it was devastating.

Even he, himself, hated the person he had turned out to be. Low. Dirty. Brainless.

He caught sight of a razor in the cabinet. Why was he still existing? He wondered.

When the blade cut deep into his wrist, all he felt was the warm water enveloping him and the tears that drenched his face. His slice was slow, wide and deep. He made sure he wallowed in it. The water turned crimson and it looked ever so beautiful, like a bottle of ink had been tossed into the tub and the flowers slowly blossomed with spreading petals.

So warm. So hypnotising. So comfortable.

One slice. Two slices. Three slices.

He cut himself repeatedly until his wrist was lined with fresh, open wounds. He felt nothing.

The water had taken all his senses. The pain. The happiness. Memories.

He sank deep into the tub. There, he no longer heard his cries. He saw red…white…black.

Amazing. Just amazing.