Spoils of War
Episode XVIII: The Trip
The Next Day
In the cockpit of the Razor Crest, hyperspace throttled by. Tala snuck yet another glance at the pilot. "You're awful quiet," she finally ventured.
That cryptic, mellow voice came with a faint turn of the helm. "So are you." Was that him being guarded or him joking around?
Tala had to suppress an aggravated sigh. She knew better than to push at him when he evaded like that. The things he did not want to share, he did not share. And he'd always been like that.
But yeah. Fair point. She'd been silent too. Settling back into the seat which gave a soft creak, Tala studied her armored companion from the edge of her gaze. A lot more went unsaid between them than ever before. It felt like the dynamic they used to share—easy, comfortable, intuitive—was gone. All that was left were shadows of how it had been, and walls preventing any kind of resurgence. Tala tried to articulate to herself what she was experiencing mentally: Din didn't feel like a stranger (that wasn't possible), but things had been painfully different for a long time. Ever since Jara and Heijj's wedding all those years ago. And then especially different since Joza.
Maybe Tala would never understand what exactly was going on in Din's head. He'd told her repeatedly where his boundary was, but it always felt like he was willing to push it just a little. The way he'd comforted her at the clinic and then held her in his arms all night confused her—and tormented her. She was afraid to ask about it outright and reluctant to let herself have any kind of hope from it. He was the one who drew lines in their relationship, and that was a hard pill to swallow. But anyway. Since she planned to leave Nevarro soon, did understanding it or trying to find a taste of their former closeness even matter? They wanted each other and would never have each other. Shouldn't that fact be enough to get her to stop obsessing and longing?
How will he react to hearing that I'm leaving? Maybe he'll be glad. Maybe it'll be good for both of us to not be tortured by the possibilities anymore. With a sad pang enveloping her heart, Tala considered the Mandalorian stealthily. It would always feel unfair that the love she felt for him was never allowed to reach fullness of expression. But such was existence: massively unfair. Surely by now she'd learned this lesson.
With a suppressed sigh she shifted in place impatiently, uncomfortable with the loaded silence. Why had he invited her along to this fishing trip of his? He hadn't said much since the offer or their departure from Nevarro hours ago. His energy was odd. Withdrawn and quiet. Tala didn't ask about it because she was convinced it was useless. He'd just deflect.
How strange he'd never mentioned he fished all these years. But like he said: there was still a lot she didn't know about him. Din was a man of mystery and certain things he never disclosed. Another ripple of sadness passed through Tala as she realized after this trip she might never know more. And she wanted to know everything. At least she was going to learn about this aspect, she guessed.
She tried to remember the last time they'd had a good, easy, relaxed conversation and she couldn't. However… maybe today that could change. "So," she began again tentatively. "How often do you go on these fishing trips?"
A recollecting pause saw Din give a slight shake of the head. "Not often enough." Tala had to suppress a frown. Why was he being so evasive? At the low huff she gave, he indulged her with the actual answer, albeit absently. "Maybe every couple years or so. I take a few days and just, you know. Decompress. Spend some time thinking."
Intriguing. "Hm." Her eyes curiously searched the side of his impenetrable helmet. "About what?" His pause felt like he was considering letting her in on a secret.
"Paz."
The irreverent answer did what he intended: made her laugh unexpectedly at the absurdity. The energy between the two relaxed noticeably. Tala's shoulders shifted down from where she hadn't realized they were tightened. Reminiscences of how they used to be and the friendship they'd shared in their beginning days surfaced… and closely after followed the aching pull of longing. After a poignant beat, Tala opened her mouth to tell him how much she missed laughing together. And then the console began beeping, signaling that it was time to drop out of hyperspace.
"We made good time." Din pulled the lever and stars returned to points as a green, blue, and white swirled planet ballooned into view against endless space surrounding. "There it is." Being so far away, no distinguishing features other than water, land, and clouds were visible. But to Tala, who'd seen so little of the galaxy, it was an immediately exciting sight. Din narrated as they approached. "Marion Three. Whole planet's nature conservation. No one lives there. Only a few permitted individuals can go to the surface, and only a few of those guys are allowed to fish the water sources."
Ahead, a guardian vessel patrolled. Din began to send authorization from the control panel and Tala doubtfully put two and two together. "…And you're one of those individuals?"
Din sat back in the pilot's seat, waiting for the all-clear. He sounded vaguely proud of himself. "Let's just say the Panvisian system was really grateful for my services about a decade back and gave me special privileges in addition to three hundred thousand credits." Interesting. The all-clear signal came with an affirmative chirp and Din began planetary approach.
As the geographic details began distinguishing, Tala's breaths intensified. Marion III was lush and wild. Words like pristine, awe-inspiring, and breathtaking came to mind for describing the incredible natural wonders coming into definition below the Razor Crest's hull. Massive sparkling lakes dotted verdant geography, winding rivers danced between rolling green hills small and large. Flower-carpeted valleys and verdant woodlands hugged steep and weathered mountain passes where waterfalls surged downward for hundreds of meters into water sources below. Some of the taller mountains were capped in serene, glittering bluffs of pure white snow.
The Crest swept over the surface, dipping lower to fly between a majestic mountain pass of dark rock. A powerful river whipped below, churning white against shoals. Tala had risen out of her seat at a point she wasn't sure of and drifted forward, captivated by a beauty she'd only ever seen represented in photos. Careful fingertips spread on the console in a way that disturbed no controls as she leaned forward, face filled with touched wonder as she drank in grand sights she could barely comprehend. Emotions rose at the intensity of wonder she felt. Her awe came out in a stunned whisper. "It's beautiful."
Din sounded gentle. More present than he had in a long time. And touched by her response. "Just wait till we're up close."
So enthralled by the scenery, Tala didn't see how long Din turned his helmet to take in the sight of her—she only startled right along with him when an impact-impending alarm went off from his lapse in focus. The Crest jerked as he corrected course, nearly throwing her off balance.
"Whoops." Din cleared his throat awkwardly and Tala glanced his way briefly in mild concern, noticing again how strange his energy felt. She only thought about it for a second more, then returned to taking in the beauty.
Marion III
Din's fishing spot, the one he returned to each time, was a magnificent place in the cool-air highlands where a flowered meadow led up to a peaceful lake that had formed in a stone basin. While the rocky lake bottom was relatively shallow at its edge and sloped to depth gently, about ten meters from shore an underwater tunnel plunged straight down into caves below where the really big fish lived. In the waist-depth shallows however, countless pale silvery fish swam leisurely through dark cobalt water. A steep mountain range towered over the water like a bookend opposite of the meadow. From a high point on that mossy green alp, a mighty waterfall poured like a thick ribbon into the lake below.
The Crest settled in the meadow where the mossy ground was soft and flat. Nearby, a worn-out circle waited with the old dug-out firepit and single long log to sit on—Din's only mark on the wild landscape from his previous visits. His campsite.
Tala remained in her state of staggered awe. As the ramp lowered and Marion III laid ready before her for the exploring and experiencing, she wandered down to the planet in a trance with a delighted, humbled face. Tears glimmered in her eyes. Din watched, feeling just as emotional as she was despite the baseline of anxiety he was wracked with. To watch her like that, he could briefly forget his worries. He leaned a shoulder into the wall of the Crest at the top of the ramp, letting his ankles cross casually. She looked right here. Like he always knew she would. "Still think Nevarro's beautiful?" he joked, sure the affection he felt for her was beyond obvious in his voice.
Tala turned in a slow circle, taking in the flowers speckling the lush land underneath her boots. She shook her head with that disbelieving, amazed smile on her face. "Not like this." In a flash, she grinned at him with radiant light in her eyes and ran up the ramp impulsively, surprising him with a hard and fast hug and an excited squeak before she darted back down to continue her gaping.
She had this incredible way of cutting straight through to his core and leaving him feeling more alive. More complete. Important, and special. That moment was one of those. Drawing in a contented breath, Din watched the woman he loved more than anyone else experiencing joy and in doing so, found some of his own. He'd always wanted to bring her here. This sacred, exceptional place. He wondered if somehow, Marion III might know who she was. This planet's atmosphere was surely familiar with Din's ceaseless thoughts of her, after all.
His mind turned to worries about his plan for bringing her here. Soon, he told himself so that the anxiety could ebb. Later.
Finally, he reluctantly summoned her out of her spell—sunset wouldn't be too long. "Hey, come gimme a hand unloading."
Tala complied readily like he'd known she would, but Din had never seen her so distracted as he did that day. The sadness he'd sensed from her since the injury and everything else was nowhere to be found in the energetic lift she'd obviously experienced. She kept almost tripping over her own feet from gawking around which was a bit inconvenient (since they had a good amount of things to unpack).
But Din fully indulged the many times she stopped and ogled or paused and plucked a flower or gasped and pointed at the latest striking thing she'd seen. It was special. A once-in-a-lifetime moment of Tala discovering the galaxy's wonder for one of the first times. The only planet surfaces she'd ever been to—Bracca, Nevarro, and Cantonica—were total dumps. It was way past time for her to see this kind of thing… and Din felt a twinge of guilt for not making this happen sooner. More regrets about the past surfaced.
He was distracted from his gloomier thoughts when a butterfly (a creature Tala had never seen or heard of before) fluttered past her face. She'd yelped and ducked then fists had gone up as she sized up her delicately fluttering opponent. Din had serenely held a finger out. The creature alighted gently before flying off again. With a chuckle, Din teased Tala about it, enjoying the ease of her smiles and the effect this place had on her. It reminded him of when they'd first been friends and enjoyed those blissful few years before their mutual attraction had been realized and Din had run then ruined things repeatedly.
With that in mind, his anxiety again increased and he told Tala to hurry up with more gruffness than he meant: they needed to go retrieve the firewood he'd stored here last visit. A short hike took them down the side of the lake and then into a dry cave mouth at the foot of the mountain where chopped wood was still waiting. Using ropes to carry two good-sized hauls on their backs, they returned to camp with Din growing more and more pressured in his internal world while Tala remained oblivious and made comments about the planet: How clean and good the air was, how much larger mountains like these looked in person than on the HoloNet. Marion III brought out an entirely different side of her. The local woodland critters delighted her, she marveled at the texture of moss, she put her hand into the lake water and yelped then hooted at the frigid temperature. At one point when Din was pitching the tent, she rolled around in the nearby flowers like a kid, with a carefree spirit he hadn't seen from her in years. It was good to see her in effortlessness and rest. And worried him because everything could change very quickly if he did what he'd decided to do.
As he autopiloted through pre-building the fire so he didn't have to later, Din thought about just taking his helmet off without saying anything but couldn't work the nerve up and got more and more petrified at the thought. Besides, he should probably preface the act with some words or a statement or a declaration of love or something, right? Fuck, this was messing with him. The pressure to get it right as well as the fear of rejection built and built. Keep it together, Djarin. He pushed the intensifying thoughts away with trepidation, beginning to fear that he couldn't do what he'd decided to do.
After a couple hours of setting up and settling in (and repeatedly refocusing Tala on tasks), dusk drew close and it was time to hook dinner. As predicted, Tala caught onto fishing quickly and was able to cast a line easily first try after closely watching Din's demonstration and then following his instructions exactly. The water was dark in the waning light, lapping gently at the edges, still at its center.
As the pair sat side by side onshore with lines cast, the silence was a pleasant mixture of the nearby waterfall, warbling bird calls, and insects chorusing. Tala was in a peaceful, bright mood while Din was sweating under his helmet. The day was getting closer to being over, and he had no idea what he was doing.
"Everything's so big here," she commented, eyes on the nearby mountain. Then she looked down at her arm, where a tiny bright green cricket had just landed. It rubbed its back legs together as she gaped in brief surprise and confusion, wondering if she should attack—or if it was another harmless insect. It sprung off just as quickly as it had come.
Din chuckled, glad to find a momentary distraction from the internal mêlée. "You were saying?" He shifted in his casual lounge on rocky shore. "That was a cricket. Harmless. That's them chirping, hear that?"
Tala listened, nodding and smiling to herself. "Yeah." A deep inhale preceded a tranquil exhale and a grateful look his way. "Thank you so much for bringing me here. It's… beyond anything I ever could have imagined." Again, her eyes wandered the scenery, fishing pole somewhat forgotten in loose hands. She looked right in a place like this. She looked at home.
"It's probably the most beautiful place I've ever seen," Din shared honestly. The first time he'd come here all those years back, he remembered knowing this place was important to him. A character in his story, or something like that. The place he could come and be totally by himself with his thoughts, his feelings, his considerations. Her question from in the cockpit floated back to his mind, and he abruptly decided to answer it truthfully this time. "My parents."
A confused look came his way. "Huh?"
"You… asked what I think about when I come here." Din stared into the distance and swallowed slowly, realizing he had now committed to saying more. "My parents." Saying it out loud felt so revealing of his secrets. His lifelong emotional cargo. No one in the Tribe expressed interest in hearing about his old life. In fact, a barely adolescent Din had been told his history didn't have impact anymore and he should let it go. He'd never been able. Nor did he really think he wanted to. Carrying the pain of the life he'd lost for close to two decades now felt so lonely though. "My old life," he murmured tensely, unsure about sharing this with her but charging ahead regardless. "I lived in a fishing village. Before everything changed." He could still remember the morning songs fishers sang as they cast off in boats and prepared gleaming lines in old wooden poles. Mama's humming. The sound of Dad's laugh.
At his side with her fishing reel semi-forgotten, Tala was caring and interested and clearly couldn't believe he was finally telling her what he'd always skirted before. Her questions about his past. A kind, careful hand silently touched his shoulder. And Din realized this could be The Moment. Heartbeat picking up in speed quickly, he tensed and looked sidelong, almost holding his breath. His face, unseen by her, said it all: he was scared shitless. He saw confusion hiding on her features—she didn't know how to take his silence or his head turn. Din swallowed again. His throat was dry and closing. "I—" he whispered. And then Tala's reel yanked and she gasped, her quick instincts enabling her to catch a solid hold just in time.
She had good instincts and stood, using her lower body strength to pull in whatever she'd caught. Din stood too, standing closely just in case. No telling the size of what she'd caught. He heard her making excited sounds—she was a good sport. "Hold on," he advised, trying to ignore the plummeting disappointment he was feeling that she had no clue about. The Moment had escaped him. "Reel it in slow—steady. Steady."
She did then gave an excited whoop as a large fish almost the length of her lower body thrashed up out of the water. "Yes!" she exclaimed.
"Great first catch," Din congratulated, though he was too distracted to really put any real feeling into what he said. Tala didn't notice—she was quite taken with what she'd just managed and Din showed her how to pull the fish off the hook and then he socked it into the waiting bucket. "Cast again," he encouraged halfheartedly, needing a minute to himself after his almost confession. "I'm… gonna take care of a couple things at the tent, see if you can reel anything else in."
He headed to the campsite, leaving Tala to throw a semi-skeptical look his way. After a moment of considering his retreating figure, she practiced the cast Din had taught her and smiled when it went off without a hitch. She sat down and settled in, seeing why he enjoyed this slow, quiet, calming activity. Birds sang somewhere nearby, and the tranquility of nature filled her soul with light and hope.
You need to tell him about leaving.
That abrupt thought sobered her like a bite of something bitter. How could she suddenly feel so bad in a perfect place? A pall descended, and Tala fell into rumination. After a moment or two, she forcefully pushed it away.
That Night
They ate their fresh catch like this: Din inside the Crest's hold just out of view while Tala leaned against one of the landing legs. This way snatched conversation could be held and they could 'eat together' more or less.
Din couldn't find much appetite, but he made himself eat. He was increasingly consumed with how to make The Moment happen and less and less sure of how to go about it.
"How do you ever leave this place?" Tala presently asked from just out of sight as he plucked the last bit of spit-roasted fish off the bone.
Yeah, this planet was beautiful. But it wasn't hard to leave. "The people who matter to me aren't here." Like her. For some reason he'd always missed her the most intensely here. He studied the fish pinched between his fingers, trying his best to be present despite how dissociated he felt. "And the Panvisians would probably kick me out if I overstayed my welcome." Even to himself he sounded duller than dirt. He ate the last bite and gazed tensely out at where the dwindling fire lit a small, warm orange circle. Just adjacent, the tent glowed softly from within. He heard Tala give a lengthy yawn and realized he too was pretty zonked.
"How was your fish?" she asked through a mouthful.
Din put his helmet back on. "Good." He stood to his height and went down the ramp halfway, able to see Tala in the dim light nearby still working on her portion. When she looked over at him with silent expectation for him to say something else, Din panicked and reverted to his safest communication type: directing. "Well… you take the tent, I'll sleep outside."
"Outside? Not in the Crest?"
"I'd rather be close in case something happens."
"… Are there predators around here?"
"No, not really. Just—safe side."
Standing and shoving the last bite into her mouth without a thought for appearing dainty or proper (which he loved), Tala gestured to the tent like he was forgetting the obvious. "There's room on the floor," she said, muffled because of the mouthful. "It's not exactly the couch in my apartment, but it'll be warmer than outside." She dusted her hands. It was an innocent enough invitation but…
The Moment had slipped from his grasp, this was not right, and he couldn't focus. "Nah. I'm good," he sidestepped, intensely frustrated with himself. "It doesn't get cold at night here." He hesitated, reconsidering. "Do you—" He gave an exasperated, edgy huff as he lost his nerve. "Never mind."
She was onto him. He saw it in the way that little mini frown and suspicious quality came over her face. "Is… everything okay with you? You've been… a little weird, maybe."
Well, kriff. This was definitely not the way to have The Moment. Din tried to act nonplussed. "Everything's—good. It's fine. Get some rest, huh?" He went over to the fire and poked at it, trying to look busy.
Tala was not convinced. But she was tired and nodded skeptically, respecting his wish to not discuss it. "Okay." A tentative, concerned smile came his way. "Night Din."
He nodded once, bemoaning it all. "Goodnight, Tala." She passed him with a doubting glance or two, then went into the tent.
Din stood there like an idiot, his intentions and fears and desires churning inside like mad. He fought with himself, every inch of his body full of tension and nerves. Two times he approached the tent—and two times he stormed away like a frustrated animal. He mocked himself: a man who readily entered rooms full of people who wanted to kill him and had the means. But the thought of telling the woman he loved how he felt and the possibility of being rejected paralyzed him with terror. Pathetic. Laughable!
The soft glow inside of the tent winked out. Brimming with powerlessness and irritation, Din stalked to the fire and kicked at the smoldering edge. Embers exploded in a brief shower of confetti and then the bounty hunter plunked to sit on the log moodily.
The Next Day
Tala rose with the sun, tiptoeing past Din to not wake him, but of course he was already awake. He watched her climb the built-in ladder on the Crest and sit on the roof to take in the sunrise. After deliberation, he joined wordlessly, sitting beside her with a small gap between them. The sun rose, and just as Din was building the courage to say something Tala said she was going to use the onboard shower. She patted him on the head then headed down the side of the Crest, leaving Din to more despondency.
The morning was spent hiking—at Tala's request. She wanted to see all she could. Din acquiesced, deciding he should just let her enjoy herself a little longer. After all, he had no idea what her response would be to whatever he ended up doing and saying. Maybe he'd ruin the entire trip. He was an expert at kriffing things up between them, after all. So a nice hike without any pressure past that was a good idea. It ended up being hours and hours that they traversed the land.
Din showed her a cave he'd found with a waterfall inside, the mossy pass just beyond their campsite, and then they ascended a mountain and stood at the highest peak, taking in the view. Pink-cheeked, windblown, Tala was the most beautiful Din had ever seen her. He wanted so badly to hold her in his arms as they took in the view. But they stood side by side. His mind was the only place where he held her.
Late Afternoon
They fished again near the campsite. The mood was serene and relaxed, and Din found himself making a comment he'd been holding inside. "I've wanted to bring you here for a long time. Ever since the first time I saw it, actually."
Tala was intrigued. "Then why haven't you?"
His answer was going to steer this conversation into much deeper waters, and he hadn't really thought it through. Din hesitated. Then plunged ahead. "Didn't think it'd be safe."
She chuckled easily, eyes twinkling as she watched the water spread out in front of them appreciatively. "Yeah, all these fish and gentle animals are real dangerous."
Din deliberated tensely, then caught her attention with his quiet clarification. "Not that kind of unsafe." Tala looked sidelong with growing astuteness and Din felt his pulse begin to pound. He wet his lips nervously as his mind screamed at him to tiptoe toward it. The Moment. "I've been wondering something." He dreaded yet craved to know the answer to what he was about to ask. He knew the question would give him away: "… Did you love him?"
The question was not what she'd expected from the reaction on her face. She considered briefly then shook her head. "No." Relief swept over Din, selfish as it might be. She studied him with stern curiosity. "Why?"
He thought about her tears in the clinic. Her quiet pain in the rubble of Kizzo's. Her despondent energy on the flight here. "I just… you've seemed sad," he answered honestly. "I thought maybe it was because he broke your heart. Or… or something." This felt painfully awkward, and doubt was blaring.
Tala fell into contemplation. Her eyes showed that sadness he'd just mentioned as she looked over the water to the thundering waterfall in the near distance. "He didn't break my heart." Din recognized the look on her face: remorse. "He did hurt my feelings. But I hurt his too. Much worse, I think."
His mind pictured that man kissing her and touching her—ugh—and then recalled that scene of them arguing in the street. The entire thing made Din feel queasy. He didn't give one kark about Joza's feelings. He contemplated his companion poignantly. "Just as long as you're okay." He meant it, too.
Tala sent him a smile that wasn't without a certain bittersweet quality. Her tone matched. "I'm with my best friend in the most beautiful place I've ever seen. I'm good." She knocked her boot against his playfully, trying to brighten the mood.
A touched, taken-back smile was on Din's face. He didn't know she still felt that way. It quenched a brittle part of his heart. "You're my best friend, too." It felt so good to say it out loud and the feeling struck him silent briefly. At first with humbled love. And then, quiet shame. Some best friend he'd been. They'd hardly spent any time together for the past few years and it was all his doing because he wasn't strong enough to handle his feelings about her. It hurt. "I'm sorry I've been…" He exhaled heavily, shaking his head as humiliation crept in for all the lost time and stupid decisions and impossible rules he'd been trying to abide by. "The way I've been." How could he even begin to explain? He debated then let another true statement out through a quiet, reluctant murmur. "It was really hard to see you two together."
Her silence grew tense. Her emotion inscrutable. In her jaw, a muscle jumped as her brow creased. Her confused eyes first searched the water ahead, then Din with brewing mistrust. "…You said it was for the best." He remembered that clearly.
Din was abruptly so angry at himself and the unmovable past. "Well it wasn't." And he couldn't think clearly anymore. He yanked at his rod briefly and let it clatter to the stone between them as he rose. "I need a new line; this one isn't working."
Disconcerted, Tala peered at the said fishing line. It looked adequate. Again, she watched Din marching away. She was crestfallen and even resentful feeling. If he wasn't going to change the dynamic between them, why keep bringing it up? Deflated, she gave a soft sigh as her mind and body slipped into the sadness that had followed her across the galaxy… just as present here as it had been on Nevarro. He was right. She was very, very sad underneath the joy around the newness of this experience. Not about Joza though. About Din, and Nevarro.
Dusk
By last day's light, Tala had managed to set aside her stung feelings about Din's odd behavior. He hadn't said or done anything else to make things worse, so that was something. But tension lingered, keeping things restrained between the two. Thankfully, Marion III provided a good distraction from discomfort.
A soft violet and orange sky set everything aglow in magical light as Din built another fire. Twilight left a pleasant effect and Tala let herself be captivated by it. Taking in a deep breath of the purest air she'd ever experienced, she held onto the wood she was supposed to be carrying over to Din. Instead, she smiled up at one of the nearby mountains—it was almost a large hill. "Imagine it," she mused aloud, eyes on the place she could already see it: "Up on that ridge, a house. A whole farm, maybe. Cattle grazing, an orchard." What a lovely thought. When Din didn't reply, Tala pulled herself out of the imagination to look his way. He was crouched by the fire, staring at her silently without any kind of response. Tala got a little annoyed. Ignoring the Wookie in the room was getting old. "Look, is everything okay with you?" Her voice was a little harder than it could have been.
Din's helmet turned back toward the crackling fire and the warm light shifted across his helmet. "Yeah." He sounded distracted and false. And really, really tense. "Fine."
Bantha dwang. Tala carted the wood over and threw it onto the fire between them almost confrontationally. "Stop lying," she accused, having reached her limit. His mood was becoming hard to bear. Why bring her here if he was going to be thoughtful one moment then rude and short and bizarre the next? Out with it already. If he regretted bringing her on his private retreat, he should just say so.
Din stood to his height irritably. "Okay fine." It was like she was supposed to know what was bothering him and she didn't. At the expression on her face, he looked away briefly. "It's—" He gave a frustrated sound and threw a hand out then let it fall against himself in aggravated defeat. "Look, I keep waiting for the right moment and I can't make it happen so I'm just gonna say it: I love you, all right?"
Wait. What? The irritability on Tala's face fell away, leaving a stupefied blank look.
…I love you? Did I hear him right?
Din's confession had been said forcefully, but now his voice fell and wavered. "…And I have for almost half my life now." Tala's entire body buzzed with such intense incredulity she almost didn't feel like she was inside of her physical self. My gods. I did hear him right.
He hesitantly came a step closer, voice softening to convey the vulnerable, heartfelt things she had only dreamt of hearing. "I really—really—love you," he confessed, and this time his heart was in the words. "In ways I can barely comprehend. Can't sit on it anymore, Tala. It's killing me. Watching you with him, watching you almost die, all these years the way I've felt I just—" The frustration returned as he shook his head and hung it briefly. "I've been wrong about a lot of things. I've been a stubborn, stupid, idiot. I've been afraid. And I still am, but—kriff it. I'm at the point where nothing matters more to me than you, even if you don't feel the same anymore I just—I need you to know." Mute and thunderstruck, Tala stared disbelievingly, barely able to breathe. Din came even closer, his voice intense and husky—imploring almost. An edge of despair and finality played. "Do you remember when you said if I broke the Creed, no one but you and I would ever have to know?"
She hadn't forgotten for a single day—nor had she ever stopped wishing he'd given her a different answer than he had. Coursing with disbelief and wild hope and panic at the idea that she could be setting herself up for disappointment if this wasn't going where she hoped it was, Tala heard herself reply without realizing she was speaking. A trembling tone that betrayed how much she felt and how strongly she wanted this to happen breathed out two words: "I remember."
Din hovered closely, sounding just as defenseless and anxious as she did. "… Do you still feel that way?"
Her heart fluttered frantically in the bottom of her throat. Everything inside screamed in wild anticipation. Where in the galaxy was he going with this?A dazed and frightened, "Yes… I do," came as response. So help me, if he breaks my heart again…
Din was now almost chest-to-chest with her. It took him forever to speak. "I need you to promise to never tell anyone about what I'm about to do," he finally entreated, his hoarse voice cautioning her that he was deadly serious. "It has to stay between us. Forever."
Convinced she was hallucinating, dreaming, misunderstanding, or being tricked, Tala felt that if she made one wrong move she would break the spell. Her lungs felt incapable of drawing a breath. "… Din are you serious?"
His voice broke and she swore his fear and anticipation were radiating into her. "Promise."
Tala heard herself say it in a shaking undertone: "I promise." No way this was happening. No way.
He nodded and let out a nervous sounding exhale then took a few steps back, which only heightened the unbearable anticipation. He was uneasy, and in the nearly twenty seconds it took him to work up the courage, Tala convinced herself he wasn't going to do it after all. And then he did.
With two hesitant hands, he lifted the helmet off his bowed head—on which the tousled brown hair last seen years ago was instantly familiar. And slowly, that head rose. Tala's world changed forever as she finally, finally looked into the eyes of the man she loved and saw his face for the first time. And what a face it was.
She'd never known what to picture, but she'd never pictured this: a dashingly handsome, kind, simple but striking face that was somehow stern, shy, boyish, and wizened all at once. Worried, soulful brown eyes looked at her, piercing despite the apprehension. An aquiline nose balanced against strong brows. His jawline bore a scraggly beard. Above soft pink lips a neatly kept mustache rested. Din was beautiful, devastatingly so.
Briefly, Tala was too stunned to move. Her feet stayed rooted to the spot as her mind went into overdrive, attempting to decide if this was actually happening. It was. Without being entirely cognizant, she drifted a step closer, incredulous and astounded and mesmerized and stricken. Words escaped her, every thought she'd ever had was gone except rising love and completion, amazement and gratitude, tenderness and love. Astonishment. Pure and total wonder. She never wanted to leave this moment, ever. Her dumbstruck silence must have been much longer than she realized. "Say something," he entreated in a nervous whisper when she continued to simply gape. He held his helmet with both hands at his waist with hard, anxious hands.
What on earth was there to say to the man you'd loved for over a decade and had never physically seen before this moment in time? "Hi," she finally managed, almost in tears as an emotional grin popped onto her face. The entirety of her heart's desires had come true, and she was ecstatic. In a living, breathing dream.
His features relaxed and he smiled back timidly, affection and relief making his eyes soft and searching. "Hi."
Without explanation, Tala abruptly understood Din Djarin in entirely new light. She saw him so much more clearly; she knew him so much deeper. There was a softness to him that the armor and helmet hid away. A softness he'd now shown her.
She drifted closer, unable to look away for a second. "… Is this for real?" She touched his face just to be sure. Din reacted intensely to the exploratory touch, shuddering as expression dropped from his face and his eyes squeezed shut. His chest began to rise and fall rapidly and Tala pulled her hand away, fearing she'd done something wrong.
Din's eyes opened and a gloved hand caught hers gently, then guided it back to right where it had been, holding it there lightly as he swallowed and held her gaze with hesitant, transfixed, covetous eyes. A silent please don't stop. In those eyes, firelight danced. "It's real," he murmured. For a long moment, their gazes did the talking. And then inexplicably, a wave of sadness came over his striking features as he had a moment of penetrating clarity. "… This took me way too long." It really had. His regret intensified. "Way too long."
Tala stroked her thumb across his cheek, her expression gentle and veins singing with anticipation. There had been enough misery and regret and sorrow in their relationship. Now was the time for better things. For things she knew he'd dreamed of, too. "Apologize later," she whispered back, watching how relief showed and hope grew. His eyes explored her face and dropped to her lips, then met her eyes. Yes. She agreed with the silent thought she saw on his face and closed the distance between their bodies, giving him his first kiss tenderly. It came from her heart.
His helmet dropped to the ground with a soft plunk as he melted into the touch like he'd been holding in a deep breath for a long time and finally could exhale. And oh, how it affected Tala too! Her entire body went to sweet flames at the touch. His arms carefully circled her close as he received her sweet kiss—then when she exhaled against his mouth, he gave her a kiss back. So sweet, so gentle, so curious and thorough even in its simplicity. Neither could believe what was happening… that's what those kisses said. Arousal and love and amazement washed over Tala deeply. The couple lingered briefly with mouths breathing the same air, then Tala pulled back enough to look him in the eye, intense with emotion as reality continued to catch up with her mind. Her throat was thick with emotion, her eyes gathered tears. She took that face of his in both hands, hiding nothing of her feelings from him. She hoped he knew how much she meant this: "I really, really love you too."
For as wrong and painful as it had felt all those years to deny this, it felt beyond right in this moment and Din nodded. He had known she loved him, of course he had. And she had known he loved her too. He understood that now, and it completed a previously unfinished part of himself. He touched her face like she was touching his—then remembered the stupid gloves and yanked them off one at a time and tossed them without looking, intent on doing what he'd wanted to do for years: touch her face, feel the skin of her neck, the softness of her hair. Studying her eyes with a thoroughness he hadn't expected himself to be capable of, he marveled to watch her looking into his eyes and at his face without any misgivings. It didn't feel foreign between them like he'd feared it would. And now he needed very urgently to tell her everything he felt through the language of touch and kiss.
While he might not yet know how to kiss deeply, he'd imagined kissing her that way for years and just went for it, taking her gently by the back of the head as he leaned in and tentatively opened his mouth on hers. The way she immediately reciprocated blew his mind and Din lost himself easily, learning quickly. A muffled moan escaped his mouth into hers as everything intensified—fingers clenching into each other, bodies pressing tighter, breathing coming quicker. Never had he known a more natural and intuitive thing than how that kiss deepened and heated, how they fit together, how her tongue made him realize he'd never known how turned on he was capable of being. It made him crazy, it made him hot, and he moaned in rapture and compliment alike, blown away. "Fucking mez, Tala—" He panted against her mouth briefly and looked her in the eye before she grabbed him and kissed him with increasing force and craving. It was the same thing he recognized in himself: a passion and desire that had been leashed and tamed and denied for years. It was now set loose and wouldn't rest until they'd followed it all the way to completion. Abruptly, it was like they were animals—primality of needing the other was all there was, and the kissing became noisy as the world went dizzy.
"The tent," Tala urged breathily between kisses.
"The tent," Din agreed, already crowding her that way, half-blind with lust and love.
The tent flaps flung open as the intensely kissing couple fumbled in while pulling things off each other. There was tripping and multiple pullbacks as the two yanked at each other's armor and clothing, got caught up in kissing again, then returned to trying to undress themselves and the other as quickly as possible.
The mad dash ended with them falling onto the soft rollout cot naked. For a moment, stillness and eye contact took over and in the position they'd landed in, Tala could feel Din nudging bluntly. The faint touch was the most erotic thing Tala had ever experienced.
Given a moment of tenderness, he touched fingertips to her face, ending with his thumb brushing over her lower lip. He didn't have to say he loved her… she could see it so clearly in the way he looked at her with his heart and soul and hopes and dreams and disbelief that this moment was happening. She felt the same disbelief… and impatience for more. She drew him closer with her arms and legs. The nudge became a press.
Din looked nervous. "You sure?" he whispered.
The question felt so sweet and caring. And it made Tala smile, because of course she was sure. It was almost comical to suggest otherwise. "More than anything," she murmured, fingers tracing his face like he'd traced hers. "Are you?"
Those eyes were so full of meaning and affection and devotion. He repeated her reply, voice dripping with awed disbelief. "More than anything."
Tala's finger ghosted across his lower lip and hunger grew in his eyes. "Then 'enough talking,' huh?" she whispered, wondering if he'd know what she was referencing: the first day they'd met.
He did know. He grinned with impish affection then dipped his head to kiss her lengthily, taking his time. Her fingers curled into his skin with anticipation as they kissed burningly and deeply. Slower and more sensual than before, matching the careful crossing of the threshold. Both let out soft gasps in the process, overwhelmed by bliss and pleasure and intensity in the moment of deepest union. Din's nose brushed Tala's ear; his breath hitting skin as he swore out a strangled and adoring, "Fuck."
Completely in sync with him, a wordless moan chorused from her mouth and he breathed her name onto her neck. Disoriented by euphoria, she was already at the edge, so aroused she couldn't see straight. He felt amazing, and her body had begged him exactly in this for years. Was it any wonder she was already seeing stars? Moving with each other in exploration and finding quite the sensual rhythm easily, Tala felt red-hot pleasure gathering tight, ready to shatter.
And then Din stopped, panting against her shoulder and shaking his head. "I'm gonna need a minute, I haven't done this in a while—and you are so…" He trailed off, lifted his head, and gazed at her in half apology, half worship.
"Turn us over," Tala said after nodding that she understood, and it was okay.
Din seemed to like the bold command. "Yes ma'am." In an admittedly sexy move, he held her and deftly turned them over, leaving her laying on top of him with him still inside. Quick breaths lingered between them and Tala touched his face with gentle fingertips and then kissed him slow and deep, burning—with sensuality Din had never experienced or been part of before, but instantly knew how to return. His hands smoothed at her waist, one gliding up to press into a shoulder blade. Their tongues tangled burningly in maddening, glorious slowness. She was magic. She was spellbinding. And she wanted this with him? It was dreamlike. "I could kiss you forever," he whispered, addicted to this new sensation.
She smiled against his mouth. "I hope you do." The kissing and touching continued, but one thing changed after a minute or two: Tala's hips began to move over Din. Slow and very faint at first, just small teases that heightened the euphoria of making out—but then the movements became long, languid, intensifying strokes they both gasped at. The feeling of ripeness was spectacular and addictive, and the movements exaggerated as the ecstasy built, promising quite the reward. Losing her mind and beginning to move harder, Tala clamped her arms around Din as the deliriously pleasureful feelings built and built. In tandem, emotions rose to know she was experiencing this moment with the love of her life. Finally, finally. Her feelings choked out of her. "Fuck—Din, I love you—"
Groaning deliriously as he responded raggedly to her movements with some of his own, Din panted, his lower lip dragging against her skin. "If you keep all that up, I'm gonna lose it," he warned in a straining voice.
Tala was literally seconds away and clutched at him, her forehead finding his. "Me too—" she whispered hard then cried out and gasped as it began to happen. In the erotic mayhem, she felt one hand grab her ass and stroke her harder and faster on him. His other hand gripped her face and head, steadying her and clutching onto her for dear life at the same time. The most blinding orgasm of her life shattered her apart and right after her, Din experienced the same. Arms clinging, bodies writhing, everything built and burst, leaving the pair stunned, stilling, and in a space of quieting breaths.
Going slack in his arms against his strong chest, Tala dropped her cheek onto his shoulder. Din had the most amazed, flabbergasted look on his face. He held her close, breathless and dumbfounded. A very long silence of awe endured. "…I never knew it could be like that," he finally whispered, absolutely blown away.
Shaking her head shallowly against him, spent and mutually amazed, Tala felt complete. In absolute perfection. "Me either." His hand found hers and laced fingers through. Tala pulled her head back enough to find his face. His face. For a long moment, all she could do was drink in his features, afterglow making the moment especially magical. He craned his neck her way and touched the side of her neck as he kissed her again. For a long piece of time, the two sleepily made out slow and syrupy, making up for lost time. Eventually, they turned to be face to face, in a close embrace as they kissed and kissed.
"I really never thought I'd see your face," Tala whispered when the kisses finally tapered off into a quiet embrace. She began to think beyond the moment she'd just been in—and all the implications beyond. This wasn't a small thing. For Din, this was huge. Something he had refused to do for years because he was so committed to his principles. "You broke the Creed for me," Tala murmured, beginning to feel guilty and afraid... and also yet again struck by intense disbelief. "You really did it." He really must love her for real for real.
His hand found hers again. His thumb stroked gently against a knuckle. He shook his head no, silently telling her not to place blame. "It was my decision. You're worth whatever happens." Her heart melted at the words and how much he meant them. There was a certain kind of dogged resolve to his expression. "If we're careful, no one ever finds out."
It was unbelievable that he'd had this change of heart. "And the living in dishonesty?" He'd said he couldn't do that before.
Din shook his head shallowly—he had his mind on other things. "I'll deal." He hesitated apprehensively, then revealed his innermost desire softly. "Marry me, Tala. For real this time. I want you. Only you. For the rest of this life." The gentle proposition and the sentiment warmly wrapping his words brought tears to her eyes and warmth to her heart. Yes, she wanted that too. And then she remembered her plans. And how nothing would feel right in her soul until she'd taken care of the unfinished business. Oh no. Everything began to sink as the situation became clear. Din saw the look on her face and his softness shifted to fear. "What's wrong?"
It was amazing how quickly she'd gone from rapture to total despair. "…I can't," she murmured, tears already falling as she cursed herself for not telling him before now. "Din… I'm leaving."
He grew intensely distressed, immediately jumping to the wrong conclusion. "What? Why? Did I do something wrong?"
Tala shook her head, getting overwhelmed by panic and confusion. "No, not here. Not the trip—Nevarro. I'm leaving Nevarro." The look on his face and the fear that she'd just used another man again (but this time the mate of her soul) made her feel like she could have a panic attack. "Kriff. I need a minute." She grabbed the thin blanket that had bunched at their feet and pulled it on like a cape and left Din in the tent confused, blinking, and propped on an elbow, unsure if he should follow or not. He took a moment then found his pants, put them on, and went outside too.
Author's Note: FINALLY! Who's with me?! Happy sigh… followed by angsty squint at Tala. Also, sorry about jumping around with POV during the sex scene but sometimes I let go of all the rules to indulge doing what feels right, ha.
Marion III is a planet I created in honor of my lost loved one. His beautiful, gentle, unique spirit and parts of his physical appearance were influences in creating this planet. Marion was his middle name, and he was a third. He worked for Panavision sometimes hence the name of the system I put the planet in. Anyway. I hope you enjoyed the tribute to my loved one blended in with this romantic chapter. Love lives on in all kinds of ways. Be well, readers and see you next chapter!