Chapter Forty-eight: A Place For My Head

"Because he's my friend."

I was a fuck up. I have disappointed countless people in my life, especially myself. Said stupid things, down even stupider ones. But as Kiba dropped my hand, colliding to my side like a dead piece of meat, I knew this was different. This was permanent.

Kiba's reaction was nothing I had seen before. His soul and personality, both massive, were trapped inside a doll. His eyes lifeless as if a knife pierced his back.

And I was the one who held it.

All from four words, those four cataclysmic words initiating endless formulas of infinite combinations of products and catalysts. Nevertheless, there was one result, no matter the combination.

Betrayal. And I was the cause.

The slap echoed through empty space. It was Newton's Cradle lost in never ending inertia and I feared I was trapped.

Even Akamaru was silent, mesmerized by his master's stillness.

Kiba's mouth opened, but there was no sound. A canary who couldn't sing; a prince who lost their voice. His contact broke, staring at the ground. The waves of betrayal increased their frequency.

"I promised I would protect you…" he said with sadness like ice that could freeze time.

I struggled to breathe, not knowing how to respond. Terrified anything that left my lips would become a vortex; word vomit feeding the black hole and turning a situation from bad to worse.

The blade dove deeper into his back as the silence ticked on.

"Kiba-" I tried. His eyes flickered to mine, an attempt to ignite a burnt candle. His expression spoke, no, screamed a thousand words. All his hurt, not only now, but the accumulation from the Chunin exams, the Preliminaries, and beyond. He felt like it was his fault, all of it. Even the stuff he doesn't know happened; with Dosu and Gachero-sensei, with Gaara. My pain and isolation, he blamed no one else but himself.

There was also something else reverbed farther, deeper within his waves.

Forgiveness. He wanted forgiveness. A smile, a pat on the back, anything to assure him that everything was alright. A reason to wash history under the bridge and move forward without recent event affecting it. He wanted me to prove we were still friends. Goon companions since day one.

But could I provide that? Could I give him that small shimmer of hope, move past how he had hurt me and ignore how I felt?

He was one of my first friends I made here and we connected right away. He was someone I could rely on, but a turn of many events had changed that- tainted it. Would telling him something he wanted to hear be fair to him? Would it be fair for me?

I didn't know. I didn't know what to think, how to feel. So much has happened, so many shitty chains of events. I was tired, so fucking tired of it all. The grief of my actions and how they hurt the people around me and vice versa.

With that, I spoke from my broken heart the only fact I knew.

"I'm so sorry, Kiba" the last syllable caught in my throat, hyperventilating. The tears flowed in rivers, surprised I still had tears left. "I truly am."

Hearts were a funny thing. They smiled when happy and cried when sad. They pounded your ears when scared and fluttered when in love. That's why we had rib cages; to control these impulsive, wild creatures. Mine was banging on its cage, hurting me and not caring. I wish I could let it free, relinquish it from my body as I witness a tear rolling down his warm brown eyes over his triangular markings. Kiba, big macho, hot-headed Kiba was crying. Because of me. Because I was a failure.

A single tear had dropped and like a switch, Kiba's expression changed. Instead of hurt and betrayal, it became something worse. Far worse than I ever thought possible.

Anger.

His brows furrowed, lips twitched into a snarl. He lost his humanity, replaced with animal instinct.

"I don't know who you are anymore. I didn't want to believe it, but Mae was right, you've changed."

Akamaru whined, unable to comprehend what was happening to his master.

"Kiba, I-"

"I don't want to fucking hear it. I thought these things that have happened to you were terrible, but I see the truth now. You brought it upon yourself. You only love and care for yourself."

Gaara had told Naruto, Shikamaru and I the same thing at the hospital. His harsh childhood let him with an empty shell that only the killing of others could fill.

Was I being selfish?

If Kiba's gaze could curse people, Gaara had been cursed beyond his grave. There was so much hatred and rage, I didn't know having this much was possible.

"You two deserve each other," Kiba snarled. "And you can beg for mercy just like those guys had, but he will crush you just like he crushed them."

Before I could ask him what he meant by that, Kiba walked through the pool of blood, the blood of the two men Gaara killed, leaving bloody tracks as he left.

The blood, sand, and sad remnants of hands felt like it happened decades ago. I didn't even see their faces, the Talker and the Doer. All that was left was blood. That's all there ever was with me. Blood…

Gaara. He witnessed the unruly law of inertia, motion staying in motion no matter what I tried to do to stop it. What's worse, he heard the hateful comments Kiba spoke. That Gaara was a killing machine, a monster.

Afraid, I turned to face him. Gaara wore the same stone look; phaseless. How hadn't Gaara reacted?

I wish I could say the same as I pitifully wiped my face with the end of my dirty sleeve. Smearing blood, sweat and tears.

By the time I reopened my eyes, he was gone. Like a mirage, all that remained were the sounds of his distant footsteps proceeding down the stairs.

My mind couldn't stop wrapping around Kiba. I was mad at Kiba, at everyone, for lying to me. Seeing their eyes as they deceived me. Withheld how my unconscious mind was begging to be spared by Unknown's blood. It was a pain that struck marrow.

But I had caused pain, too. Mae hated me for being a apparent slacker. Kiba hated me for defending Gaara. Everyone else felt the weight of my choice of isolation and dissociation. And this hasn't been my first rodeo. It has happened before where I would go into hiding, avoiding interactions with the people I called friends. They would try to cheer me up and I would push them away. People can only take so much before giving up. Before they gave up on me.

I blamed myself for what has happened, everything. Them lying to me was my fault. Betraying Mae, Kiba, everyone- was my fault. And now it would seem no one cared about me and I couldn't help but blame myself.

"Man, I forgot how spunky that one was." The sudden voice made me jump twenty feet. I don't know how long I was standing there, stuck in the trance.

Shikamaru walked up the stairs with his droning and distaste for life voice. "I hate spunky girls," he stretched.

He gave me a quizzical glance. "Yo, what's the matter? Looks like you just saw a ghost." He suddenly noticed the scene of the crime. "What the hell happened here?"

The sight of a massacre would raise anyone's brow, even a shinobi as careless as Shikamaru. But how could I explain what happened? Where did it start and how did it end?

"I don't know. I just walked into this," I lied. I can beat myself up about the matter later.

Shikamaru rose his brow, knowing fully well that it reeked of falsehood. He doesn't question it; however, and I'm jealous of his ability to do so.

Maybe it was better if I was alone. Maybe this was the universe pointing to all the signs to disappear. If I left now, no one would realize I was gone. I should leave. Banish to the Badlands to roam the lands with burden for all eternity.

"Hello? Earth to Quorra. You in there?" I thought he was going to knock on my head. I wondered what he would find, if anything.

"Huh? Sorry, Shikamaru." I tried pulling off a guilty smile.

"You okay? You find anything about those sketch balls?" Shikamaru mused the question.

Was that the last time I spoke to him? I sensed the Sand Siblings were being more secretive than usual and expressed my concerns to Shikamaru. It felt like a different timeline with different characters in a different world. So much has changed in that short amount of time. None of it for the better.

"Hmm, you could say that," I tried to gesture off. I never had the knack to wave attention off me.

But what makes me appreciate Shikamaru, as a person, was that he's too lazy to push on the issue. Or simply doesn't care enough.

"You didn't see my fight with that crazy blonde?" Shikamaru switched topics.

Honestly, it didn't matter how he felt, I needed to be a friend right now, for once.

I shook my head with guilt."Did you win?"

"Nah," Shikamaru shrugged, throwing his hands into his pockets. "Too lazy."

Before I could pretend to be optimistic, the crowd suddenly created an uproar.

"What's going on?" I questioned.

"Only one way to find out," Shikamaru smirked.

ξ

Like a rewind through time, we retraced our steps back to the Waiting Room. Shino, Kankuro, and Temari were nowhere to be found. Neither was Mae.

"What's going on, Naruto?" Shikamaru questioned the only other person in the room. His voice tinged with annoyance.

Naruto gave his award winning smile. "Why don't you guys see for yourself?"

Shikamaru and I peered over the railing. Standing in the center of the arena were the two who caused a ruckus within the crowds and held up battles with unaccepted extensions. The boy who apparently threw a wrench into the sand siblings' 'plan.'

I wished I could be thrilled, but instead; was afraid as Kakashi and Sasuke stood with Genma. It had been a month since I last saw Sasuke. When he was convinced I was an Uchiha with my unexplainable Sharingan eyes. Only a month; yet, he looked different. His hair longer, his uniform different. Black with buckles and leather straps around his forearms. His family crest imprinted on his back. He always headed forward, but the massacre of his entire clan was always with him, shadowing him, like a nightcrawler.

But what set me back wasn't his looks, it was his mannerism. The way he stood with rugged determination in his eyes, hardened by a series of events that occurred at such a young age.

He looked like an avenger.

The crowd chanted to fight, stomping their feet in beat.

Shikamaru and I shared a concerned glance. He seemed to have similar thoughts.

Naruto, on the other hand, was cheering along with the crowd. "Go, Sasuke! Kick his ass!"

Genma rose his hand, his cue as the crowd quieted, anticipating the next set of moves.

"Sorry we're late. You wouldn't believe the traffic," Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, guilty.

"What a show-off," Shikamaru huffed. "He acts like the center of the universe." I couldn't tell if he was referring to Kakashi or Sasuke.

"So you decided to show up after all," Naruto hollered, catching the Uchiha's attention.

"Did you win?" Sasuke rose a brow, referring to the battle between Naruto and Neji.

If Naruto's smile could grow any bigger, his face would shatter into chaotic bliss. "You know it!" He pointed, victoriously.

Sasuke smirked, impossible to miss Naruto's zealous confidence. "Well, don't get too full of yourself. You're still a loser."

Doing a complete 180, steam flew out of Naruto's ears as Shikamaru and I rolled our eyes. Sasuke will never cease bothering Naruto and Naruto will never cease being bothered by Sasuke.

"Sorry if we kept you waiting," Kakashi apologized to Genma over the buzzing crowd. "But how late are we? It's not like Sasuke is disqualified or anything… right?"

The single question turned the lively crowd silent. Sasuke was granted postponement twice, with only a ten minute leanness. But did they make it on time? No one knew the answer.

Even Shikamaru paused mid-groan in wonder.

Genma sighed. "Like sensei like pupil even down to your lazy sense of time."

"Well?" Kakashi didn't seem offended. "What about it?"

Genma rolled his eyes. "You know you were so late we had to extend the deadline- twice."

Genma obviously didn't approve of the extensions along with many of the proctors here. Under normal circumstances, if someone was late. they were disqualified, no questions asked. But because it was Sasuke, Konoha's protégée, the last Uchiha, the rules were bent.

"Twice?" Kakashi reiterated.

The Kazekage begged to give Sasuke a chance to arrive, other lords made dirty bets. Bets that sent missionaries after Gaara. Bets that almost got me killed.

I didn't know if I wanted Genma to tell Sasuke. What does that say about me?

"And it's lucky for you that we did because you just made it. No, you're not disqualified," Genma smirked as the crowd cheered wildly with Naruto being the loudest.

Kakashi's eyes twinkled, the troublemaker in school finding his way out of detention. It made me wonder if he switched that innocent charm on purpose or it had become second nature to him.

"Just make sure you don't lose to his guy because I want to fight you myself!" Naruto had to have the last word as his thumb pressed his chest.

Sasuke stared at our cocky companion and rather than mockery, "Got it." He condemned it.

"So I'm yesterday's news already," Shikamaru sighed. "Can't really blame them. Even this lazy shinobi is intrigued how this will all pan out."

How this was going to pan out was a casual way of putting it. Kakashi was an excellent trainer. I trusted he was a good lending hand with teaching Sasuke how to fight Gaara, but they didn't witness what I had seen. They haven't witness Gaara in the Forest of Death, during my encounter with Dosu, at the hospital hovering on Lee's bed, or moments ago in a narrow, dim hallway. Was Sasuke ready to face an opponent like that? Could he fight an opponent like that?

"Yeah…" my unconvinced words echoed into the Nether.

Either way, this was bad news.

On cue, Gaara walked out into the arena. The joints in his knuckles jolted like lightning was flowing through him. I could tell from floors above that something was not right, even for Gaara's standards. The stone was cracking.

Kakashi gave Sasuke one last pat on the shoulder before taking his leave and was replaced by Gaara. They were at a by-the-books standoff.

"Alright, here we are at last," Genma spoke. "To renew for Sasuke, the rules are the same as the Preliminaries. The match continues until one dies or admits defeat. I can stop the match but that's my decision."

"Got it," Sasuke replied, not breaking eye contact with his opponent. The face off had the crowd the most silent I've heard all day. The tension was high, the apprehension even higher. At the corner of my eye, I saw Kakashi reunited where Sakura, Ino and Choji were seated and to my surprise, Lee and Gai-Sensei were there as well. Thankful Lee was out of the hospital. My only concern was that he was on his feet too soon.

Everything was happening too soon.

"Begin." Genma's command fell heavy on everyone's ears.

Sasuke immediately activated his Sharingan. There was no time to mess around as he threw a barrage of Shurikens. With the simple gesture of an extended hand, Gaara's sand charged into battle, stopping each Shuriken solider in their tracks. The sand continued to charge forward, but Sasuke easily maneuvered around it with the assistance of his Uchiha eyes.

Sasuke was about the release his next set of attacks, but screeched to a halt.

Gaara was hunched over, at first, appearing as if he was in pain. The jolts sending his joints into haywire. They twitched as they attempted to grab ahold of reality, lacing into his red, fuming hair.

"Please, don't get mad. I beg you," Gaara graveled.

"What the hell is he talking about?" Shikamaru asked.

"Mother…" Gaara shook. "Earlier… I know… I made you taste such awful blood. I'm sorry."

Too slow to cover my escaped gasp, "Mother?" It felt like my body struck a brick wall. "Oh my God."

Shikamaru felt it, too. "Quorra, Naruto, remember what Gaara said to us yesterday?"

Naruto with non-volunteered Shikamaru were preparing to fight Gaara yesterday as he hovered over unconscious Lee. But Gaara wasn't interested in picking a fight with them. He told them…

"That were not good enough." Naruto's face was stark white. I've never seen him this freaked out. "We weren't the ones he wanted to fight."

From his expression, I could tell he didn't mean fight. This was beyond fighting.

"Sasuke is the only person who can make Gaara feel anything," Shikamaru concluded, shell-shocked.

"A sacrificial desire…. for mother." I felt a panic attack knocking on my door. The bad blood… I couldn't finish the thought.

"Only Sasuke…" Naruto B-lined out of the room.

"Naruto!" I called after him.

"I gotta warn Kakashi!" I heard his voluminous voice echo from the hallway. "I gotta stop this match!" He didn't even comment on the blood scene.

"Shikamaru, what do we do?" My voice struggled to remain calm.

"Relax. This is Sasuke we are talking about. He can handle himself." His hands gripped the balcony as it tethered him to reality.

I knew Shikamaru was trying to convince me and himself that what he said was true. But it was becoming less convincing by the second.

I stared at Sasuke who didn't know what to make of Gaara's act. No amount of training could prepare someone for a reaction like this nor how to strategize the next set of moves.

"I hope you're right," I whispered a reply.

AN: I have my reasons for not updating, but I'm not going to give excuses. In the end, I have a story to share, my own personal story, interwoven into this fictional one. If anyone reading this has been a AIW reader since before my hiatus, I don't deserve the continued support but I'm eternally grateful. You have no clue.

I will be making a change in that I will be incorporating my other story Leda into this story. I want everything to be in one place even though Leda isn't in the Naruverse, but then again none of this is.

Also, the next chapter will not be in the POV of Quorra. Be ready.

Reviews are love. xo