PUTTING GRIEF ON CANVAS

We begin with a flashback that takes place during the sixteenth chapter of my story the Ashla Awareness in which Melaana Rash is devising a way to break her engagement to one Lieutenant Dane Bonteri. (which you would know if you had done your homework like Ms. LS told you to) The elder Rash sibling looks back fondly on the era when his sister took the spotlight so that he might spend some time alone with the girl he loved. Especially since the news of the wedding of the younger Blackwell brother has just reached Iziz. ~ DK

…

He took her hand and led her up the back stairs. She was nervous, worried someone would catch them. "They're all busy with the party," he assured her.

"But what if you're missed? What if they come looking?"

"They won't. Mel's the star. And now that she knows about us, she'll cover for us. I know she will."

She nodded but didn't seem quite at ease as she looked around his large bed chamber. It was the first time he'd ever brought her here even in the ten months they had been lovers. The very idea of having her here, in his bed, excited him beyond reason.

"It will be our bed soon enough. Our marriage bed I mean."

"As soon as I'm carrying your baby?" She whispered.

He left off kissing her for a moment to look her in the eye. She so badly wanted a child. Mother so badly wanted an heir. For his part, Sanjay much preferred the idea of making the baby to actually having one. "Tonight we can pretend that we're husband and wife."

She smiled a little at that. Gods she was beautiful, small and delicate but toned and strong from her riding and working with her father. How would pregnancy change her, he wondered. If he had his way he would keep her just like this. He wanted to remember her exactly the way she looked tonight.

And he could! "Shara," he whispered against her hair.

"Yes, Sanjay?" She breathed.

He didn't really want to stop what they were doing right now but still… "Will you allow me to do something? Will you allow me to sketch you? I wouldn't show it to anyone. It would just be for me to remember…"

She studied him curiously for a moment and then gave him that same shy smile. "My mother posed for an artist once."

"The picture at your father's house?"

She nodded. "But before that as well. It wasn't the first time that artist had come to the fete. I think that's why father was so upset that he wanted to paint her again, with me."

"So, you won't? You think it would upset your father?" He frowned.

"I think it would upset him that I'm here with you now." She looked away from him guiltily but then screwed up her courage and smiled. "If you promise not to show it to anyone else…"

He had shown her some of his drawings of buildings, and animals and of Mel. He had actually sketched Shara herself a few times before, but nothing like this, here, naked, in his bed. "I promise. It will only be for me."

…

"Sani...Sanjay."

The voice snapped him out of his reverie and Sanjay looked up from his sketches to the man in the bed next to his chair. "Yes, Father?"

The old man gestured feebly to the window. "Close the drapes for me, Sanjay. The sun's in my eyes."

"Of course." Sanjay set the drawings on the end table and got up to close the curtains. "Is that better?"

"It is," Ommin Rash nodded his thanks to his son. "Sanjay, you look so morose. What is it?"

"It's nothing, Father." Sanjay stared at the drapes.

Ommin wasn't convinced. He looked to the end table and the sketches Sanjay had neatly placed on it.

"It's her, isn't it?"

Sanjay just stared at the curtains some more.

How had this happened? How could Shara go and marry someone else while he was back in Iziz waiting for her? This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to realize what an awful place the Northern Sea was and what cold and hard people it bred, and come back where she belonged: to the warm and alive city of Iziz, in the arms of her warm and alive husband.

Except he'd just been ousted from that title in the worst way possible: Shara had wed Jamos Blackwell in a private ceremony at Blackhold, and Sanjay found out from the news holos.

He'd barely been able to read the missives through his grief but he'd caught a few details from the images. It was a tiny ceremony with only the family invited, no fancy clothes or important guests or lavish gifts.

What kind of a wedding was that? His and Shara's wedding had been spur-of-the-moment, yes, but he'd at least taken the time to weave flowers into her hair. And as soon as they got to the Rash estate he'd showered her in everything he could: her necklace, her wedding ring, and all sorts of gifts. Didn't look like Jamos Blackwell had done any of that. In the holos Shara wore a small ring set with a pearl. A pearl! Couldn't Jamos be bothered to scrape together some credits and buy her a proper ring with a nice, big stone?

"Sanjay," his father said gently. "She's happy. That's the most important thing, that she's happy."

"I love her," Sanjay whimpered. "No one else...no one could love her the way I do."

"I know she's important to you," Ommin sighed sadly. He wished his son didn't have to go through this. "But love is wanting what's best for the other person, what makes them happy. Sanjay, she glows in those holos. I've never seen Shara like that before."

"She was with me!"

Ommin waited before responding. "She was, once. But at the end, not anymore. Someday in the future, whether it's tomorrow or this summer or ten years from now, you'll find someone who makes you just as happy as Shara is in that holo."

"As happy as you and Mother? She has as much said that she didn't love you till you gave her me and Melaana. And I couldn't even do that. I couldn't give Shara what she wanted most..." His voice broke in a sob and out of the corner of his eye Sanjay saw his father shrink from the outburst and he looked away from the drapes. "I'm sorry Father. I didn't mean to yell."

"I know you didn't. And my relationship with your mother...it wasn't as if we hated each other. We respected each other and we worked together to bring about our goals. And then when we had you," he smiled. "Sanjay, I didn't know what love was until I saw you and your sister for the first time. And then I loved your mother because she had given me something so incredible." Ommin looked around for a different conversation topic and settled on the sketchbook. "Do you have any drawings I can see?"

"Yes." Sanjay flipped through the sketchbook past all the images of Shara to a tamer one. "Here, it's the view from my window. There's our speeder garage, and the garden, and …"

"Sanjay, this is amazing."

"Thank you Father -."

"No really, this is amazing. You have real talent." He turned the flimsi pages to a few more of Sanjay's sketches. "The detail, the dimensions - where did you learn how to do this?"

"I practiced," he said awkwardly. "And I look at the artwork Mother buys, or on the HoloNet."

His father set down the sketchbook and took Sanjay's hand in his own.

"Get a teacher," he commanded.

"A teacher?"

"This makes you happy. I can tell just from looking at you when you talk about it," he smiled. "I supported your sister's flying, and I don't regret it for a moment because it made her happy. I want you to have that same joy. I don't know where you can find one but … find a teacher. Nurture your skill, no matter what."

…

Sanjay couldn't help but think that his father wouldn't have cared for the lavish funeral. A senator, a barron, a king, had all attended and no less than fifty speeders had wound through the streets of Iziz on their way to the temple of Unifras. Well, he might have liked that part. Ommin Rash always did have a weakness for his collection of the rare and antique models. All the pomp and circumstance, however, the huge crowd of strangers who were there more to gawk at the lord's casket than to actually mourn the man, it was all a show, directed by the grieving widow.

The priest spoke at great length without really saying anything and then Sanjay's father was entombed in the crypt beneath the temple along with other nobles and kings. At least the place was easy to find. Perhaps Sanjay would come back here when the masses had all gone away and make his own last lonely walk as Shara had done to say goodbye to her father. That somehow seemed more fitting for man who only ever wanted to live a quiet life.

Mother was stoic through it all, accepting the condolences graciously. Now that the two of them had returned home, she was actually crying, lying on her sofa, watching a holo program, crying. She was drinking out of a tumbler with a half full decanter on the table next to her and she motioned to the holo when she noticed her son enter the room.

"He called your sister a princess." Sanda had watched this program, and in particular, this episode, a hundred times. Notluiski Papanoida had moved on to bigger and better things after he did his time on the daily holosoaps. He'd done a stint on Onderon posing as a flight instructor, Melaana Rash's flight instructor to be exact, in preparation for one of his most famous full length features. "He wanted to leave his wife to marry her. She would have been a Baroness." She gestured broadly with the tumbler and some of the amber liquid sloshed from the container. She took a sip and when she realized how low the level of the liquid had fallen, looked up blearily at her son. "Sanjay, be a dear and give Mother a refill."

"Yes, Mother." He set down the sketchbook he'd been clutching and obeyed even though he didn't want to. He'd seen his mother heavy in her cups plenty of times before but then, after the day they'd had thought, he supposed she was probably entitled to a measure of liquid relief.

"You know that… whatever his name was… Kira… the uncle, once said he saw a crown in the future of our family." Sanda took a large swallow from her refilled vessel and closed her eyes savoring it.

He also cursed House Rash never to have an heir, Sanjay thought.

Opening her eyes, Sanda patted his hand. "You're my only hope for that now, my child."

"I'll do my best, Mother."

"You'll have to do better than that. Your father has left you as the lord of this family." She seemed much more lucid now. "You must provide an heir and maybe now that that ridiculous girl has gone and remarried you can finally give up your foolish infatuation and get on with…"

"I know what I have to do!" Sanjay bent to pick up his sketchbook so that he could retreat to his own rooms.

"What is that?" His mother asked before he could make his escape.

"It's just…"

"Show it to me." She reached out and gestured imperiously for him to comply.

He handed it to her and she flipped distastefully past a few, thankfully clothed, likenesses of Shara. The landscapes also received a dismissive glance.

"Father said I should nurture my talent, find a teacher…"

"Like he supported your sister's dangerous hobbies. Just look what happened to her." Sanda continued to rifle through the drawings. "No, Sanjay. This will only be a distraction…"

Then she came to a sketch that stopped her in her tracks. "This is… Melaana."

Sanjay shrugged. "Yes. I was rather proud of the way that one turned out."

"This should be framed." Sanda tilted her head, gazing at the facsimile of her daughter. Tears blurred her vision but she blinked them away.

"Father believed I could only improve with instruction." He silently prayed that she would now allow him to continue with the pursuit.

She nodded and handed the book back to him. "Perhaps a talent such as this should be nurtured. It will be another accomplishment that we can add to the list of your attractive qualities for the procurement of your future bride."

Sanjay cradled the sketchbook and ground his teeth together. "Yes, Mother."

She waved dismissively at him. "Very well. Find yourself a teacher."

He nodded and started to leave but she stopped him once more.

"Sanjay, could you please have that image of your sister framed for me…"

"Yes, Mother." He couldn't help taking pride in her judgement of his work.

"And Sanjay, promise me that you will refrain from reproducing any more images of your ex-wife." She raised an eyebrow knowing that she was extracting an unwilling vow. "It's for your own good. You know it would only be a distraction."

Again he clenched his teeth but he answered nonetheless, "Yes, Mother."

…

The events Sanda Rash mentions concerning her daughter and a young Baron Papanoida can be found in my story Some Say I've Got Devil, chapters 8&9. Thank you so much for reading this story. Please drop us a comment.