Descent chapter 4

When I woke up, there was no bright light, there wasn't any pain. I wasn't scrambling for the phone to call my saviors, I wasn't fading in and out of consciousness. I didn't have a large gash to sew up. No, I was wrapped in a blanket of warmth for the first time in God only knows how long, with arms and legs surrounding me, the smell of sunshine in my nose, the feeling of a body wrapped up behind me and the security that I wasn't alone.

Slowly, I pulled from him, sure that I would wake him, but then I remembered that angels didn't sleep. They didn't cuddle either but this one was good at it. Turning on the bed, I looked down at the eyes that followed my every move, searching my face for something and with a small smile, I reached over and touched his cheek.

Cas followed my fingers and let his lids droop shut upon the light touch, a breath escaping his lips and I blinked away the image of him, moving beneath me, trapped, filling me, and quickly moved away.

I grabbed a pair of jeans and slipped them on as I heard the bed move behind me, took a moment to gather my thoughts and turned. He was up, sitting on the edge that I had been the night before and he knotted his fingers together as his brow raised, waiting on something from me.

"You were having nightmares," he stated matter-of-factly and I could only nod. "Were they of…"

"You? Yes, and the boys," I clenched my jaw, shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest, hugging myself tightly. "I don't know how to lock it away, Cas, what I did to you, what they did to me, I don't know how to fight it down."

"Maybe you're not meant to," he whispered, "maybe this makes you stronger."

"I'm about as strong as I'd like to be, thank you." I huffed, turned and quickly exited the room.

I couldn't be near the angel anymore, not with the urges I had, the ones that made me want him again. I could almost hear the angel sigh as I turned and made my way down the halls. The bunker wasn't new to me, I knew every inch and when I finally came to a stop, it was in front of Dean's open door.

It wasn't unusual to find it slightly ajar but this was pushed open enough that I could see his bed, see him lying in the middle of it, ankles crossed, arms over his chest like he was just waiting for something or someone to come in, but his headphones had popped off sometime ago and his lips were slightly parted.

And for everything I hated about what happened with him, for every memory of that demon that shook me to the core, I loved this one more. Taking in a breath, I swallowed and moved in, making my way towards the dresser, quiet enough that I could hop up and sit, just staring over his form, listening to the even breathing of his body.

I didn't know how long I rested there, my back to the wall, my eyes going over his body, the way his legs flexed in the black boxer briefs, the sexy way they tented from his "morning wood", something that made me just want to crawl over him and make him moan, but I stayed, I made my body still. He had a tee-shirt on, but it had inched up, showing me the light brown hair that lined up his navel, disappearing under the elastic waist of his shorts, and I had to force my heart to stop racing.

"Watching someone sleep is creepy," his deep voice rumbled out, which brought my gaze straight up to the green orbs that were looking at me from under half-laden lashes. "Watching someone with that look on your face is downright dangerous." And I quickly looked away, "if I didn't know what you went through, I'd ask you to come here so I could touch you, but I'm not going to do that, not yet."

"Dean," I warned and shook my head, "you don't know what they did, you wouldn't want to touch me after that."

His legs swung quickly off the side of the bed, and before I could blink he was standing between my legs, hands fisted, knuckles pressing on the wood as he leaned into me, lips a breath away from mine as I shrank back as far as I could.

"Nothing you could do, nothing anyone did to you, would make me not want to touch you." he growled and that sent a shiver straight down my spine, heating up where he was pressed, making me wet against his pressure and his eyes slowly ventured down before coming up to stare into mine. "I'm not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you, you know that."

"I thought I did," I whimpered and raised a hand to his chest, slowly pushing, wanting nothing but for him to move, and he lifted his head, straightened his body and looked down at me with sorrowed eyes. "I thought I knew a lot of things, Dean, but I don't anymore. I loved you, I love you still but things need time to heal, if they ever do."

"I know," he sighed and stepped back, giving me room to run. "I've been to hell too, remember, and it wasn't a picnic, or a walk in the park, it was just death and pain and destruction, and one day, you'll tell me what happened there, and I'll help you through it." His eyes narrowed at me as he licked his lips. "I'm not going to lose you again, and I'm not going to let you fall alone."

"You might, when you find out." I whispered, hopping down. I heard him exhale as I headed towards the door, but he didn't move, he didn't follow and I glanced at him as I held the solid wood in my hands, "I'm sorry Dean."

"Yeah," he whispered, and only his eyes came up, showing me the pain in them, "me too."

Sam was awake when I passed by his room, sitting at his desk with papers in his hands as he shuffled through them all, getting irritated pretty fast by the way he moved them around. He slammed them down on the desk, sat back in the chair and rubbed his forehead as he rested his elbow on the arm. Typical Sam move, but that was when he glanced over and cleared his throat, lowering his arm so that his fingers slipped together.

"Hey, Ray," he said softly, spinning the chair so he could see me better, but that was when I stepped in and pressed my back against the wall, just inside the doorway. "Did you sleep?"

"Ah, yeah, Cas kinda knocked me out," I replied and looked down at his bare feet, the way his toes curled on the rug below the desk, his jeans hugging his calves enough to give me a small peek at his ankles before I traveled up to his thighs. His gray V-neck shirt was tight enough to see the muscles flex underneath and I rolled my neck at the thought of him.

His lips branding me as he kissed, the words that slipped from his his hand slid from my back to wrap around my throat, breath coming quickly into my ear. "You're going to stop teasing me and give me what I want."

I shivered at the sound of them, of what came next and I watched as he slowly stood, towering over me by way too many inches. I saw concern sweep over his features and land right in those eyes, but I pressed my back to the wall, ramrod straight which stopped his movement. His hand came up slowly and the look of fear filled his eyes.

"I'm not going to hurt you," and I stifled a laugh, "Ray, whatever you went through down there, whatever shit they pulled, that wasn't me."

"Oh, Sam, it was you," I managed to whisper, "looking into your eyes right now, everything about that was you, just not the controlled part of you, not the one standing here, but we all have it in us, the ability to forget our humanity and go after what we want."

"Is that what I did to you? Went after you?" he swallowed hard, turning a shade of green as he thought about it, "did I take you?" I didn't answer him, I just watched his movements, the way he shifted uneasily in his spot. "Did I… did I force you?"

"In a way," I replied, inhaling just a bit, bringing in the scent of his cologne, "but in a very dark and stupid way, I wanted it too, I didn't fight it the way I should have."

"I would never do anything like that, Ray!" He was defending himself, getting angry at the way hell had gone for me, "I would never…"

"Sam, it's done," I stopped his rambling as I pushed away from the wall, moved up to him, and his lips parted as he looked down at me. "It's over, whatever it was, and I don't blame you… I don't," pausing to catch whatever the thoughts were that raced through my head, I tilted my head just a little and blew out that breath with the words that I needed to say, "I love you."

His arms were wrapped around me, strong arms that fought to keep the monsters out, but I could only lay my cheek against his chest, where my head touched just below his heart and feel the pressure of his lips on my hair. I let my arms come up, feel something solid as I did my best to hold onto him. This was Sam, my Sam, the one that loved me, wanting nothing from me but that love back and I tried everything to let him take that darkness away from me, but it wasn't happening. He couldn't save me.

I moved from his arms as quickly as I could before ducking down the hall and into the closest bathroom, locking the deadbolt as I did so. I blinked away the tears, the emotion and slowly moved towards the sink. My body had been screaming at me to do something about my bladder but I had been ignoring it, until now. Now was when the feeling of being overfull took charge and I had no choice.

With a sigh, I finished what I had to do, turned to the sink and started the water, waiting for it to warm but, but as I did, i stared at myself in the mirror, reached out my hands and began to wash with the sickly sweet smell of the vanilla hand soap. My heart thumped as I flashed back to the bathroom, to the four days that the boys did almost everything for me, to the way Dean walked me to the tub, the way Sam had taken care of my wound, to the way the shower felt before that blackness forced me away from the younger brother.

Drying off, my gaze went down my reflection, traveling down the length of the tank before I grabbed the end and yanked it up my left side. There wasn't a scar there, not one that I could make out, but I had seen it there, watched it bleed forever, saw it sewn up and reopened and I ran my fingers along where it should have been, flinching at the warmth of my fingers on the coolness of my stomach.

It was real, it was all real. Cas had healed my injuries when I woke, leaving no trace of how I had died, of what my body looked like after I left that hospital room. No there was no autopsy, they knew what I had passed away from, but there were still bruises on my gray skin, still that stitched and unhealed wound on my side, dark circles under my eyes, purple tissue on my body. Everything that I had gone through was gone, except what remained in my head. Something worse than the death I had been through.

I closed my eyes tightly, clenched my fists as I breathed through the fury that settled in my veins and tried with everything to calm down, but it was Dean's hands on my wrists, locking my them against the wall as his body thrust into me from behind that made the blood boil. Sam's hand pressing down on my back, the feeling of the table underneath me that only fueled the rage and I swung.

I swung because I couldn't then, I was helpless and needy. I swung because I gave into the darkness and as much as I begged and pleaded, I couldn't remember if I begged for more or pleaded for them to stop. I swung and felt my hand connect with the glass, the sound of it shattering into a million pieces, the same way my heart was, that my mind had tattered, that my body came undone under them, on top of them and slowly, the rage waned, and I opened my eyes.

Instead of webbed glass and a million small reflections of myself, I was greeted by one solid image, a dark, twisted side of myself that only I had ever known when I was alone and hunting. It was the secret side of me that I kept under lock and keep, that I never showed the boys, that I pushed down until I was alone, it was a darkness that I only descended into when there was nothing between me and salvation except the monster in the middle.

I had heard it break, knew there was nothing else to fear and slowly, my reflection smiled.

I popped the top of the beer bottle, my eyes not really seeing anything as I placed it beside my own wine cooler. Beer was gross, but I knew Dean would appreciate it, and I owed him an apology for the way I had walked out on him earlier that day. I felt little, well less than I had before. There was no nervous energy pulsing through me, no need to fear anything. I had finally settled in, come to terms and took a breath and then a beer, and headed towards Dean's room.

He was sitting at his desk, cleaning the ornate slide of his 1911 as I tapped on the open door with the top of the amber bottle. He looked up at me, a inquisitive look in his eyes, but he relaxed when I held out the long neck to him.

"I come bearing peace offerings." I smiled and watched as he sat back, put the piece down and reached out as I moved in to sit on his bed. Swirling the chair around, while I criss-crossed my legs, on the brown blanket, he looked me over, took a long gulp from the bottle and waited. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" He questioned, his lips still a breath away from the glass, "You've literally been to hell and back, save your apologizes for when you do something stupid."

"I can't guarantee that I won't be saying it sooner than later I guess." I smiled and sipped on my own. "I shouldn't have come in when I did, I was fucked up this morning, and… I probably should have left before you woke up."

"No," he said softly, but that made me think of the way he was sitting and instantly I was there in the room, hands cuffed above my head and I shook the darkness from me as worry crossed his face, "I mean, no, I'm glad you came in. You don't know how amazing it was to wake up and see you there."

"Must have been pretty weird," I smiled and watched him nod.

"Well, you would think with everything Sammy and I have been through, weird would be normal by now, but you don't get used to seeing your dead girlfriends sitting on your dresser, it just doesn't happen that way." I smiled at his words as his eyes shot up from the beer in his hand to stare at me, his expression fading before he let the smile on my lips relax him, "I didn't mean to assume."

"What? That i was your girlfriend?" I giggled, okay maybe not giggled but I watched his body shift as he stood and closed the door, looking at me before the latch took. "It's okay, you can close it."

"You're sure?" he checked again and waited for me to nod. I flinched as the small sound of the latch clicking in place caused my chest to tighten, but he didn't see it. With a breath, he turned, swallowed down the rest of the beer and placed the empty bottle on the desk before turning to me, crossing the two steps to the bed and slowly, he sat down. "While you were gone, I locked the door in here more times than I could count, I locked Sam out, locked Cas out, hell, I think I locked me out because I heard what you said to Sam, about loving me and I realized that I was stupid. Just one more irritating asshole, for not telling you that I loved you sooner, for not seeing it sooner. I mean, you did things to me, do them still, but I thought it was because you were just getting on my nerves, that you were trying to piss me off, I didn't' realized that I was trying to protect you, that I was falling in love with you." he paused for a second, his eyes casting down on mine as I set my cooler on the end table and crawled over him, straddling his lap. He took a breath as he placed his hands on my hips and his forehead against mine. "I didn't want to admit that I was terrified every time you left us to hunt alone, I didn't want to say…"

"I need you," I whispered softly and tilted up to kiss him softly. Dean's fingers gripped harder, but he didn't move them, this was my deal and he was letting me have control. They were just little kisses, softly brushes, quick passes as my hands trailed up his chest and over his shoulders until I was able to run my fingers through his hair.

I smiled as I reached down and took his wrist, letting the feel of him let loose under me take over and I slid it from where he sat to my stomach, then up to where I held it against my breast. Dean moaned into my kisses, his fingers giving soft caresses as the one on my hip moved to cup my ass.

"I'm not going to break," I sighed into his mouth and with that, he began to move. From my ass, his fingers fumbled to get under my shirt, the one that had been gently thumbing my nipple through my shirt was now up along the side of my neck, his fingers lacing in my hair and I pressed against his chest.

Clothing seemed to be less of a barrier than I thought it would be since the tank was pulled over my head faster than I could blink and I yanked at his tee while his mouth moved to plant nips and kisses along my neck. His little hums had become my lifetline, tethering me to the man who bucked his hips up, looking for some sort of relief from the growing erection stuck in the hard confines of his jeans.

Dean turned me, placed me down on the bed, my legs wrapped around his waist as he pulled off his shirt, giving me access to the tan, tone skin underneath and I pulled him back down to places bruising kisses on his lips.

He was warm, alive and making me moan, his fingers cascaded down my breast, alternating between gentle and pinching as he captured my nipple between them, but it was when he went for the button on the jeans that he paused.

"Tell me no," he whispered as if he were begging me to, but I just held his gaze as he waited, "tell me no and I will stop at any point, Ray, I swear it."

"Yes," was all I answered and arched up to kiss him once more. There was no ceremony to his moves, no sweet and tender, but all need. Not that he was hard and rough, but in a breath the jeans on both of us were gone and I could feel the hard length of him between my legs, using my own slick to create the friction he wanted and he whimpered against my lips. "Dean."

His name was just a sigh before he slipped in, no prep needed because I wanted him so badly that I just didn't want to wait. He stilled, fully sheathed within me, waiting for me to adjust, waiting for himself to catch his breath and with a shuddered inhale, he moved.

Dean was like a maestro, controlling the ebb and flow, the crescendo and the diminuendo of our love making, but there was more to it than the need to have him close as his body provided everything I needed and I felt the trembles in every muscle. I tossed my head back, closed my eyes and curled my toes as every nerve in my body sang, and I felt him swell, but his rhythm faltered and all I could do was smile.

Looking up, eyes wide now, I felt him slow until he stilled within me. Dean rolled to the side of the bed, his body spent without the pleasure of an orgasm and I watched him try to blink away the confusion.

"What the hell, Ray," he whispered and those eyes faltered in their stare as his lids began to droop. I moved onto my knees, fingers reaching out for that rock-hard cock, slick with my need and slowly I started to stroke him. "What did you do?"

"I gave you a beer," I whispered against his lips, still pumping him even as his consciousness faded, still getting the small moans from him as he fought against the sleep. "But, I might have laced it with something."

"What?" he growled, but it came out like more of a mumble, and his hips bucked up into my hand, his cock swelling. I licked my lips as I watched his balls tighten up against him. Not long now. "Why the fuck would you do that?"

"Call it a little insurance policy," I sighed and kissed him, his lips parted accepting what I offered even as his arm fell away from his face, too heavy to hold up. "Dean, you'll be alright."

"Fuck you, Ray, what…" But just as he was about to scream out, he moaned instead, ropes of come shooting over his stomach as I smiled and watched his eye screw tightly shut, his body racked with convulsions as the orgasm swept through him. Tears streamed down from closed eyes as he fought to open them once he was spent. "I love… you… Ray."

I leaned down, placed my lips against his ear and whispered, hearing a choking sob escape him just once before I backed away. With a satisfied breath, I sat back and those eyes closed slowly as he fell into unconsciousness. Taking a deep breath, I stood from the bed, picked up his shirt and wiped my hand before I shuffled back into the jeans and shirt and slowly walked towards the door.

One last glance at Dean and I turned off the light, closing the door behind me.

Sam stood by the library table, his nose in a book, but he was frustrated, which in my case, helped me a lot. Sipping on a cup of coffee, I pulled the collar of the button down a little bit higher, but since there wasn't anything on under it, there was no sense, since it seemed to be slipping down off my shoulders. Jeans had been replaced by yoga pants and my hair was pulled up into a ponytail.

He looked up, only a quick glance as I leaned on the table, but when his eyes ran over what I was wearing, his shirt by the way, he cleared his throat and stood straight. I moved over to him, set the coffee cup down on the only clear spot that I could find and scooted up to sit next to it. He placed the papers down softly, licked his lips and looked down at the mess around him.

"You okay, Ray?" he questioned, looking over at me but not turning towards me at all, his hair curtaining his eyes as he clenched his teeth, making his glance just a bit more sultry.

"I was wrong." I sighed and looked down at my hands, fiddling with them on my lap but I could hear him take in a breath before I looked up at him. "I was wrong about you, about that place, about how you were to me when I was there. That wasn't you, that could never be you, but I was afraid. Really afraid, because more than anything, I want you, and i thought that was the only way I was going to get you."

He fought with his words, trying to find just the right ones to say but instead of saying anything, he moved, slipped between my legs, placed those hands on my face and tilted my head back so that I could do nothing but look at him, but I wasn't afraid. He leaned down and softly pressed a kiss against my lips, wetting them with his soft ones as his tongue slid across.

I sighed against the feeling and moved my hands to grab ahold of his waist, shifting over to get to his belt as his kiss deepened. I didn't need the formalities, I just wanted the man, and he complied as he pressed his hips forward, giving invitation for me to take what I wanted. One tug, one snap and a zipper and I had my hand full of his thick cock. Sam growled as I slipped my fingers up over the top of him, flicking at the slit, bringing a slight moan from him as his thighs pushed mine wider.

"What do you want, Ray?" he whispered as I stroked him, his forehead against mine, "do you want me?"

"More than anything, Sam." I breathed into him and felt his kiss once more. In a flurried rush of movement, he pushed my pants down, picking me up from the table to let them drop to the floor.

"Wrap your legs around me," he pleaded as he stood, holding me with one arm tucked under my ass. I wrapped my arms around his neck as my legs rested high on his hips. Taking his free hand, he adjusted himself under me, as he paused, waiting for me. He stumbled with the words, even as his physical strength held me there. "You're going to have to…"

It was all I needed to shift and bring him in, my core clenching around him as I dropped lower, impaling down on him slowly and he sucked in a breath. His intent was to hold me up, let gravity do what it needed to but when I kissed him, all the breath seemed to leave his body and he reached back, blindly looking for a chair as he bent his knees.

The one he found was pressed back against the table, wide enough for him to sit down on, short enough to the ground for me to get my footing on the bars that helped support it and I backed away to take in his face as I moved, slowly creating a rhythm of short thrusts, bringing him in and slipping him out, just to the head before digging my nails in to do it again.

Sam clenched his teeth, his eyes going from tightly shut to blown wide open and I moved, his hands wrapping around my body, under the curve of my ass, gliding with me as I leaned down and sucked on his exposed neck, pulling a growl from deep in his chest. I rode him like he was the last man on earth, the only time I would ever get to feel him so deep and I could feel him start to buck as his end drew closer.

Heat began at the base of my spine, traveling up between my shoulders and down to where he lay pressed deep inside. My skin tingled, the stars behind my lids were explosive as I shouted out his name, unsure of where I was except wrapped in his arms, but as my vision cleared, as I opened them to watch the ecstasy on his face, I slowly reached behind him and picked up that which I had set down next to my cup.

"Come for me, Sam," I whispered, pressing up against his chest as I moved one hand close to the other, popping the top of the small item, and I lay my mouth against his ear. "I want to feel you come undone, I wanna feel you inside me."

He clenched his teeth again, his head thrown back as suddenly his lips parted and his hands grasped my hips, fingers digging deep as he stilled for just a moment before grunting through the pleasure. Waves shivered through me, my heart thumped against my ribs and just as he closed his eyes and moved to press his temple against mine, I jabbed the needle into the meat of his arm.

Sam yelped, startled by the pain, but his arms instantly fell by his side, as I backed away and looked at his wild eyes. His lips played with my name, not sure how to form it before it came out as a sigh. "Ray?"

"I love you, Sam," I whispered, dropping the syringe as my fingers came up to caress his cheek, licked my lips and then kissed him softly. "I need you to remember that," I drew a deep breath before bringing my mouth back to his ear, whispered soft words to him as his eyes fluttered and closed. I backed away and inhaled his scent while I looked over his face. "I'm sorry."

"Rayna," he sighed, almost inaudible to anyone but me, and I kissed him one last time before sliding off his body.

Gazing over Sam as he slumped in the chair, secure enough so that he wouldn't fall, I grabbed a book and placed it over his cock, giving him some little bit of privacy. No way I would want be found with my pants down but hey, it was what it was.

Yanking mine up off the floor, I slipped them back on, grabbed my shirt and buttoned it once more before heading into the bedroom. There was one last thing I had to do. One small little detail that I couldn't leave well enough alone.

I paced the kitchen, fingers tented over my nose, thinking long and hard. This wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, not in the very least. With a aggravated sigh, I snatched the knife off the counter, and made my way down the hall, past Dean's room to the one at the very end.

He wouldn't have been in here anyway, would have never stayed, there was too much at stake, too many people looking for me, too many monster. Nope, I expected it to be empty and it was. With my eyes closed, I gave myself one last look around before I placed the blade against my palm, sliced down through the center of it and smiled.

Leaning against the wall, closest to the desk, I put one hand leisurely on top of my bent knee. God, could it really be this hard? UGH! Clearing my throat, I checked my voice, felt the tears start to drop and took in a shuddered breath.

"Cas!" I called out, my voice cracking, "Cas, I need you, I did something. I did something very bad." Nope, nothing. Fucking Hell, really! Coughing, I started again. "Cas… the boys… I think… Castiel!"

This time there was a whoosh of feathers and he was standing in the room with me, his eyes full of confusion as he looked down, a mess of worry crossed his features and he suddenly moved from the room.

I heard his boots step into Dean's room, heard his voice try to stir the man but there was nothing, and then out he went to the library, where he found Sam, and that was about the time that I smiled. He came barreling back in and found me looking up. A smirk across my face in the dimly lit room. The light beside the door was the only one on, and suddenly I had a face full of angel, and the tip of an angel blade pressed against my throat.

"What did you do?" he questioned, anger in the voice of an angel was awful sexy, but I didn't answer him. "Rayna, what did you do to Sam and Dean?"

"I saved them," I whispered, not threatened by his posture, but glanced down at the angle of the blade as I leaned forward, pressing it into my neck. "I saved them from me."

"Why?" He growled, "why would they need saving from you. You're a hunter, they love you."

"Because, Cas," was my only answer. I had nothing else to say about it, and I shrugged. Honestly, what could you say to that?

"One last time, Ray, what did you do?"

I blinked, one long drawn out blink as my hand slowly came up and wrapped around the sharp edges of the blade, just above the hilt where his lay, and the smile crept up my face, until all I could feel was the edges of my lips tugging. Cas shifted back but didn't let go of the blade as my blood began to drip down it.

Cas struggled to understand. "What happened to you?"

"I got off the rack!" I replied, an edge in my voice that made his eyes go wide as I opened my palm and slammed the bloody whole of it against the angel banishing sigil that I painted there.

A bright flash of light blinded me for just a moment before I looked up and he was gone, angel blade still him my bloody hand. With a hmmph, I pushed up, grabbed the gauze wrap that I had brought into the room and wrapped both of my hands with it. Heading out to the kitchen, I grabbed the duffle from the table and slung it over my shoulder as I moved towards the library.

Standing by the table, looking over the still sleeping form of Sam, I twirled the blade in one hand, grabbed it by the hilt and slammed it down in the center of the wood, right between the initials that they had carved there. Taking stock of everything in the room, I snatched the leather jacket from the hook and headed up the flight of iron stairs, with one last look around the bunker, I pushed it open and disappeared into the night, hearing it creek before it slammed shut, the noise echoing through the silent bunker.

I love you," the last bit of her humanity seeped through as she pressed her lips against their ears, giving each of them every ounce of what was left that had once made her human. Let me go, don't follow me, I'm begging you. If you do, I can't promise that I won't kill you, and I can't live knowing that I hurt you, but please know, through all of this, everything we've been through… I love you.