drowning; au
The nights seemed to last forever.
Lightning wagered that it was from a lack of sleep. She'd never needed much of it, but in the past few months, she hadn't been getting any whatsoever. Coffee and the occasional caffeine supplement were her saviors now. If she was able, maybe she could have slept during the day. Going about her daily life left everything in a fog - at least until the dark came.
She truly wished she could rest at night like a normal person, but that was when everything became all too suffocating. If she could barely keep her head up while facing other people, being alone at night was when everything closed in and she went under.
"I can't do this," she whispered to no one, immediately wanting to take the words back. Lightning Farron never admitted weakness if she could help it, but she truly was starting to believe that she could not exist in this foggy half-life any longer. Something had to give. Her grief still pressed on her heart like some sort of physical being, and it always threatened to keep her under its spell.
Then again, maybe that was for the best. The memories came full-force when she tried to pull herself out.
"Sounds a little crazy." Lightning quirked a brow. "Though I guess if anyone can create something from nothing, it's you."
"It's more like…utilizing what we didn't think we could. It's an intricate process."
"You can try to explain it when you get home."
"Aw, c'mon." He grinned in a boyish manner. "I wouldn't want to bore you two."
"I guess we'll see."
He smiled again, leaning forward with a kiss that was a quick peck on her lips. "Tonight, then?"
"Tonight."
"Okay." Another kiss. "Love you."
"Love you, too." She graced him with a smile, and then…
…he was gone and no memory in the world was able to pull him back into this existence.
Sometimes she tried, as shameful as it felt to admit. She'd sit in their bed like she was now, and lament at the fact that it felt much too big. A thousand scenarios would run through her mind - after all, medical science had some so far. Maybe somewhere, somehow, he was out there and he was coming back to them. Back to her.
The memories would consume her mind to a point where it would become hard to breathe. Not a whole lot could save her now. And what could just barely kept her head above water.
And even in the back of her mind, she still heard every word of that phone call.
"Is this Lightning Estheim?"
"…Yes…" It arose immediate suspicion, since she always went by her maiden name. A knot formed in her stomach. "May I help you?"
"You need to get down to Eden Memorial right away." The voice on the other line was urgent. "Your husband's been in an accident."
She dropped the phone, not even offering a goodbye. It turned out she didn't have to.
He was already gone when she arrived.
If she could go back in time, she would have done things differently. Who wouldn't? She would have tried to understand that experiment he'd been talking about, so she could warn him of the very thing that would end up taking his life.
"I hate you," she whispered, and again, she regretted the words as soon as she spoke them, if only because nothing more false had ever come from her lips. She couldn't hate him. Never.
She hated that he'd left her and taken half of her heart with him.
Maybe that was why the grief was unbearable. She didn't remember feeling like this when her parents had died, though perhaps that was because she'd had to take responsibility for Serah.
But she still had someone who relied on her. Why should it be any different now?
"Mom?"
Lightning glanced up slowly, not at all surprised to see her bedheaded son at the door to her room. As always, she was struck by how much he resembled his father.
The father he wouldn't get to grow up with.
She swallowed the lump in her throat, rapidly blinking for a moment before speaking. Her voice was hoarse like she'd been crying for hours, when she'd simply been trying not to drown. "Can't sleep?"
Soren shook his head, looking just as lost as she felt. She knew that at ten years old, going to his mother in the middle of the night felt babyish to him, but she was glad he did.
She needed someone to rely on her.
Lightning sighed quietly and patted the empty space beside her on the bed. Soren immediately scrambled up into it and hugged his knees to his chest, curling up to his mother's side as best he could. She sighed again, attempting to smooth down some of his bedhead. "It's okay," she murmured, even though nothing was okay. "I can't sleep, either."
"Do you miss Dad, too?"
Her hand paused. Of course a child would ask something so blunt and innocent…and right to the point. She ignored the fact that he'd probably been asking this for weeks now.
"I do," she replied quietly. "More than anything."
"Me too," Soren echoed, leaning against his mother more, sounding like he was on the verge of tears, though his eyes weren't red when he looked up at her. "You're not gonna leave, right?"
Lightning let out a breath of surprise. Had he been worrying about this the whole time? "No," she murmured, wrapping an arm around him in a hug. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Then…" he was beginning to sound a bit sleepy, maybe simply from having someone close by, "we can miss Dad together. Right?"
"…Right." She swallowed heavily, suddenly grateful that her son was here, that he existed at all. He was the best of both of them.
He was the bit of Hope that would help keep her head above her grief.