The Reason Luna is spacey, is she sees all the different time lines and permutations of Harry's dying and so mixes her up!
"You're back much sooner than I expected," a woman of undeterminable age commented as she poured a second cup of tea.
"I'm a bit surprised about it too," Harry agreed as he sat down across the table from the woman. "Not really sure why I'm back so soon either. Aside from the obvious."
The woman made some thoughtful noise before take a sip from her cup. "Ms. Granger," she finally said.
"Hermione?" Harry asked in confusion as he added sugar to his tea. "What does she have to do with this?"
"Well you did say you didn't know why you were back so soon," the woman replied.
"I know, but what did Hermione have to do with this?"
The woman set down her cup. "I believe she was jealous."
"Jealous? Of what?" Harry demanded his brow furrowed in confusion.
"Some days you can be incredible stupid, Harry." The woman shook her head a sad smile on her face. "Ms. Granger was in love with you and she saw your flirting with other girls, as if you were cheating on her."
"But… but… Hermione is like a sister to me!"
"Not to her. You were her first and only friend, Harry. Her whole world revolved around you and her books," the woman explained.
Harry sighed before leaning back in his chair. "So it was a bad idea to have the Sorting Hat place her in Ravenclaw instead of Gryffindor."
"Well considering that she decided that if she couldn't have you, then no one would. I would think having her sorted into Ravenclaw was a mistake," the woman replied.
"So what are we up to? 200 and something?"
"282 lives, almost 300," the woman replied. "And I honestly thought you would have been done with this before now."
Harry raises his cup in the air as in a salute. "To living a full life and to dying of natural causes, old age, in other words. Of course you did forget that the Fates like to play with my life and make it interesting."
"Well you did come close that one time when you decided to become a Dark Lord and rule the world with an iron fist," the woman commented.
"Only to slip on a sliver of soap, hit my head and drown in my own bath. Which I still say is of natural cause,"
"Accidental death," the woman replied with a smirk.
"What about the time I died in bed."
"With triplets, your heart exploded," the women replied in a teasing tone.
"Sirius made me do it,"
"Along with that motorcycle race and the time you joined the polar bear club," the woman reminded Harry.
"No. The polar bear club was Remus' idea."
The woman shook her head with a smile. "At least you've had a number of interesting lives."
"Some are and some are not." Harry replied with a shrug. "So aside from not putting Hermione in Ravenclaw again, any suggestions for my next life?"
"What about placing Malfoy in Hufflepuff?" the woman suggested.
"Didn't I do that already? And if I remember right it was a bad idea since Malfoy learned who the real power behind throne was."
"Hmmm. I seem to remember that. That was one of your early lives when we first started trying to rearrange things." The woman said remembering. "What about placing your Weasley friend in Ravenclaw?"
"Ron in Ravenclaw?" He was surprised. Harry James Potter, the Master of Death and Lady Death, looked at each other before laughing.
After the laughter tapered off, Harry commented, "You know that's not a bad idea. Ron is smart in his own way. Not as much of a book learner like Hermione is. Plus he's lazy so most people think he's less intelligent than he really is. Might be a good idea to have the Sorting Hat place him in house of learning."
"How so?" the woman asked. "I don't see how it would be a good mix."
"It would be a bit like how Luna is to Ravenclaw but Ron has the drive to fight back while Luna just accepted it all."
"I don't understand," the woman replied.
Harry explained. "Luna was sorted into Ravenclaw because she had the drive, also the imagination to learn about things that haven't been discovered yet. Most Ravenclaws want to learn about things that are in books; not to go out and discover things in an adventure."
"They want to be safe in their birds nest and read about the things, other people discover. They don't want to take the risk of being the ones to try to discover it," the woman stated.
"Yes. No matter what Ron is still a Gryffindor; the ones bold enough to go out there and discover things. He just needs to learn to use his brain to do so. Plus it would get him out of his brothers' shadow since he would be the only Weasley to be sorted into Ravenclaw,"
"Or they're break his spirit and turn him to a bean counter," the woman countered.
"That's a possibility. Ron into Ravenclaw and Hermione to never go back into Ravenclaw."
"Why don't you put her into Slytherin?" The woman asked.
"Even though she killed me in my last life I really don't want to see her killed."
"Harry," the woman said with a shake of her head, "do you know why Muggleborns aren't sorted into the house of the snake?"
"They would probably kill any Muggleborn,"
"Nope," the woman replied with a smirk. "Before the mid-19th century it was quiet common for ambitious Muggleborns and Half-bloods to be sorted into Slytherin. And while some did break as you suggest, most rose above it, and some others got revenge on the bigots."
"Revenge?"
The woman lean back in her chair, a slight smile on her face as she spoke, "It wouldn't be uncommon for students to try their hand at brewing potions that they should not be brewing."
"Love potions. Polyjuice. Turning water into rum," Harry suggested.
The woman shook her head. "Harry, although some students did brew the polyjuice for their night time entertainment. Have you ever wondered what it was like to have sex as a woman, Harry? To have sex with a Furry? I'm actually surprised you never played with polyjuice, in any life to now."
"I prefer my anthropomorphic animals in cartoons and not in my bed. So if brewing polyjuice was small time stuff, what were they brewing?"
"Feel good potions like the muggle pills, Uppers, Downers, a whole range of potions for every mood ever wanted." Death replied.
"And one thing I know thanks to multi lives with Neville Longbottom and classes with Malfoy, is that potion accidents happen and every so often are encouraged."
"Bingo," the woman replied as she raised her tea cup up in a toast. "In one particular potion accident the whole of Slytherin was killed except for 5 students. One of who was in the hospital room recovering from a fall down the stairs. Two who were busy inspecting the broom closets. And the last 2 serving detentions."
"And all of them Muggleborns and Half-bloods I'm guessing."
"Four of them were, indeed." Lady Death agreed.
"So was it a real accident?"
"No it was arranged, but the person who did it wasn't a very good potion student; so he didn't realize that when he added Puffer spines to the potions, it would turn it into a toxic gas that filled the whole dorm, killing everyone there. She explained.
"Killing everyone?" Harry shook his head. "And since the survivors were Muggleborns and Half-bloods, they got the blame."
Lady Death nodded her head. "The survivors were questioned and thanks to the newly discovered Veritaserum, they were found innocent. But that didn't stop the Headmaster from having a talk with the Sorting Hat and forcing it to no longer place those types of students into Slytherin."
"I'm surprised that the Sorting Hat agreed to that. I know it argues with me each time I suggest where it should place a student,"
"The Headmaster or Headmistress of Hogwarts has a greater sway over the Sorting Hat than a mere student does. Of course the Sorting Hat is also smart enough to notice trends in the wizarding world. It knew that placing a Muggleborn in Slytherin after that, would be a death sentence after that. In time the Sorting Hat will start placing Muggleborn back into Slytherin, once the wizarding world has shown itself to have grown up. After all, it has all the time to wait." Harry snorted.
"So the youngest male Weasley will go into Ravenclaw and Ms Granger back to Gryffindor where she belongs," the woman said. "Who else are you thinking about switching around? Malfoy? Longbottom? Yourself? Perhaps makes a new house for yourself again? I rather liked the House of Awesomeness!"
Harry shook his head. "What can I say, I was bored but I learned my lesson. No more Harry's Harem Houses. I never realized girls could be so, evil before. While it was fun watching Snape foam at the mouth saying points from Awesomeness. I don't think, I'll do that House again. Too many people expect me to be like Merlin, right off the bat, instead of growing into it."
"True. Too many people believe the myth and I blame it on the Roman influence. People have forgotten the traditions. They have forgotten that at one time women were viewed as equals. I blame people like Dumbledore for allowing people and a ghost like Binns to teach. Makes the history so boring, that no one wants to learn the truth. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
Harry grumbled. "I'm not sure if you are implying the whole human race, the wizarding world, or me in particular."
"You at least learn, even if it takes you a couple tries." She chuckles.
"Well going through puberty all those times, does affect one's learning curve. As soon as I hit that magic age, it's all fanny's, boobies, and arses."
"You're sounding like Dogfather again." Lady Death pointed out.
"After a guy hits puberty, we're all pretty much like Sirius to some degree or other. We never grow up, we just behave better."
Death let out a very un-lady like snort. "So true. So true, and some foolish girl will think she can shape some boy into being a better person with the power of her love. Of course there are some men who think the same thing about women." The Lady commented before taking a sip from her cup. "So Harry, what are you planning on doing for your next life?"
After taking a sip from the cup, he said, "I think I'll take a vacation and see if that will work."
"A vacation?" Lady Death asked in disbelief.
"Why not? All those lives, I've lived has been pretty much the same thing. Get my acceptance letter at 11. Got to Hogwarts. Dealt with the shit there. Either graduated or died. Try to grow old and die naturally, but always died before then."
"Well I admit it does sound like you're stuck in a rut. How are you thinking of doing it?" t
"I'm not sure, probably play it by ear, like I do many times at Hoggy. Figure I'll try to start at 9 or 10. No point in starting too early. I especially don't like being in diapers and having diaper rash again, being stuck in the cupboard. Go to Gringotts, so I can be declared head of House for all those old families. Then empty the vaults."
"Which will get you killed by the goblins, instead of by some human." Death pointed out.
"I know. I know. But I would love to watch them twitch uncontrollably as they lost all that money. I'll leave enough money behind to keep the vault active so they won't realize what I've done. Then free Sirius, put him someplace, maybe in the Bahamas or New Zealand area, where he can recover from that hellhole and leave all the backstabbers alone in England. After that I'll take my O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.S. That way Dumbledore can't have me dragged to Hogwarts, to complete my wizarding world education."
"I doubt anyone will let you take those test at that age." Lady Death mentioned.
"The Pureblood laws are so full of loopholes, that you can actually take the test as many times as you want and keep the highest grade. You can study the hell out of one subject, pass that then repeat with the next subject. In the end it looks like you aced the test in one seating, no matter how many times you actually take the tests. Probably the only way people like Crabbe and Goyle could pass."
"So what will you do after that?" Lady Death enquired.
Harry sat for a moment in silence, then an evil grin spread across Harry's face. "Call the bobby's Crimestopper number. After all the young ward of the Mr. and Mrs. Dursley hasn't been seen in months. You don't think he's met with foul play? Or been sold off to one of those individuals who like children."
Lady Death chuckled happily. "Oh dear. I can picture the mayhem that will cause. The investigation, the news reports, a complete nightmare for the Dursley's and those around them."
"People pointing fingers at one another, demanding why they didn't do anything when the obvious signs of abuse were present. Of course the investigation will probably discover that there are no documents giving me to the Dursleys, possibly no proof that Harry Potter was ever born."
"And the British wizarding world? I'm sure that this scandal will reach the ears of some Muggle borns and the LED with those who have contacts in the Muggle world." Lady Death again enquired.
"Nothing major would happen. Someone might make some noise, but most will soon dismiss it. After all the Boy-Who-Lived would never be abused. They'll assume that it's some poor muggle boy with the same name. As for Dumbledore, a little excitement is good for the his heart. Besides I really don't care what happens in the wizarding world. I'll be going on my vacation."
Lady Death chuckled. "Sun, sand and surf. Babes, beaches, and sharks, oh my!"
"Don't forget snow, skis and babes in hot tubs." Harry added. "The world is full of wild, wild places and I plan on having as much fun as I can, before I die from something completely stupid and have to start another life."
Death chuckled. "You might actually make it for once. You came pretty close, the last time you left the path Fate you on."
Harry snorted. "Someday, I will,but we both know that it won't happen until I dealt with old Tom in all these different universes and timelines. Fate won't let it happen any other way. Your sister has spent too much time setting everything up, for me to be ignored."
"I can't deny that." Lady Death spoke with a shake of her head. "Of course you could always set it up for an anvil to fall on his head like they do in those silly cartoons. I think it was the Roadrunner who did that or ACME Inc. I'm pretty sure that only works in the cartoons though. You're more likely have to smear him on a road." Death stated.
"And if you remember right we thought the same thing when I put a bullet in his head. And then the time I blew him up, while he was on his throne."
"I think Fate objected because it was his porcelain throne, like in that movie. Death, Fate's sister pointed out.
"Yes, I took that into account when I used the rocket launcher. The only time he seems to stay dead, is when I used magic or I re-enact Highlander, with there can be only one. After all once he has my blood, he screws things up." Harry grumbled unhappily.
"Fate really loves that show." Lady Death says with a smile. "So does our sister Destiny, though she prefers Conner over Duncan, while Fate has a thing for Duncan. I like Methos as he was Death in the show."
"My life is in the hands of fan-girls."
"And don't forget War and Pestilence. Of course they're more into James Bond, John McClane and Lara Croft, being fanboys."
"High tech toys, big booms and a mighty fine ass," Harry translates Death's statement on her two brothers.
Death nods her head. "I think there were a few comments on world's perfect baps too."
"Not too surprised by that, I'm more surprised that they are not Arnold or Stallone fans."
"Oh they enjoy those actors too, but the all-around favorite action character is John McClane," Lady Death explained to Harry, while taking another sip of her tea. "Tell me, Harry. What exactly did McClane do in all the movies?"
"Kill bad guys and blow shit up."
"And why did he do that?" Death enquired, while smirking.
Harry was stumped and replied. "Because they were bad guys,"
"No because they were threatening the life of his wife or his family that he loves. He was the knight in shinning armor going out to slay the dragon and save the damsel in distress. Much like you have done in real life. Of course that's not to say they don't love True Lies with Curtis dancing in that outfit."
Harry slowly nodded. "Yes they're bloody fanboys."
"Let's get back to more important things, namely your vacation." Death said.
"Not much else, I plan to do as little as possible and have as much fun as I can while doing it."
"Can't ask for more out of life, after everything you've gone through." Lady Death replied, raising her cup in a salute.
"Some might disagree with you about that!"
Lady Death sighed. "It would probably be one of those fanboys quoting Conan the Barbarian. Something about crushing your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women."
Harry raised a single eyebrow at Death's comment.
"I am not a fangirl of Conan." She growled at him.
"Ok," Harry answered with a small smile.
"Men!" the woman said in disgust. "Get out of here! Go on your vacation.
Harry rose from his chair and with a slight bow said, "As you wish." And with that Harry vanished like he had never been there at all.
The woman let out a very un-lady like snort. "He's a bit of a fanboy of yours, isn't he?" Said a voice as a man suddenly appeared beside her.
"No more than anyone else." Death replied.
"True sister." Time sat in the chair Harry has just vacated; throwing one leg over the arm of the chair as he relaxed. Death gave the man a tolerant smile.
"So do you think he'll make it this time?"
"It depends on Fate and Destiny. You know how those two are." Death replied.
Time let out a snort. "They can't agree on what color the sky is, let alone what to have on their pizza. They can't even agree to get separate pizzas instead of one pizza. Some days I think they like to argue just for the sake of arguing."
"You think so?" Lady Death replied with a smirk.
"Well if the boy can kill that fool with something out of a cartoon, I would almost guarantee it."
"How so?" Death demanded, slightly confused.
He leans forward in his chair. "Just picture Fate and Destiny's reaction to that fool's death if Harry ran him over with a steamroller or train, or dropped an ACME anvil or safe on his head."
Lady Death paused for a moment before placing her head on the table. "Oh dear, really would be something to see." She chuckled.
"Of course, one of them will be screeching, while the other rolls on the floor, laughing insanely!"
"Then they'll start arguing again and completely forget about Harry." Death stated.
Time nodded. "Allowing him to grow old and die peacefully, which will allow you to collect him and so fulfill the requirements of the pact you made."
"I think I'll take a vacation and leave someone else in charge once that happens."
"Harry?"
Death frowned and shook her head. "No! While I admit that was my original plan, those two screwed it up too much. Harry won't be able to take up the duties so soon after living so many lives. I'll have to find someone else to take my place or wait until Harry recovers enough."
"Well don't forget I'm always available if you need a break; remember how much less work you had to came back for last time."
"That's because almost every mortal was dead, after the flood!" Death snapped.
"And why is that a problem?" Time asked with a cheeky smirk.
Lady Death sipped her tea before saying, "It might be a good thing. Time and Harry might teach Fate and Destiny a lesson about screwing around with mortal's lives. Of course I think I will have to introduce Harry to Karma. She's such a nice polite girl. I'm sure they'll become close the instant they meet, she combines all the best parts of Harry's girls. Padma, Luna, Susan, and Hermione in the personality department. Oh, get lost brother."
Time saluted and disappeared.