tower; post-LR epilogue. Lightning comes to a bunch of realizations through a series of letters to a certain someone…

Dear Hope,

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. In fact, after addressing this to you, I just stared at the words, wondering why I'd written them at all. I feel like hours are going by in between every word I'm writing. Maybe I'm not used to time actually having meaning yet.

But since it seems like I am writing to you, I suppose I should let you know that I'm doing my best to explore this new world of ours. It's strange – it's as though everything here is normal to everyone, like they've been living here all along. I wonder if I'm the only one who remembers everything…though something tells me that you and the others do, too.

Honestly, I'm not sure of my purpose in writing this at all. I have no idea where to send it. I guess I'll just keep hold of it until I know where you are.

Sincerely,
Lightning

–

Dear Hope,

I thought it would be nice to keep track of all the things I'm seeing and places I'm going, but here I am writing to you again. Maybe I should imagine this like I'm telling you, like how I would describe the sights and sounds while I was off being the Savior and you were stowed away in the Ark. I wonder how much of that you remember.

Anyway, I found myself at a little seaside town today. It reminded me a bit of Bodhum. Everyone was very friendly and greeted me like I was a local. I even got to try their local delicacy, which was a special kind of shrimp – not that you'd be able to eat that, I think. Aren't you allergic to shellfish?

Later at night, I walked on the beach by myself, away from all the tourists who were having bonfires. It was like I didn't quite feel welcome among them. It was nice being alone with my thoughts for awhile, though. I tried not to let them think back too far – I just wondered if you and Serah and the others were looking at the same moon and if you'd like how it reflected off the gentle waves.

I know you're a city boy, but I really think you would.

Lightning

–

Dear Hope,

Why do I keep writing these ridiculous notes to you? You'll never see them. At least, I'll never let you see them, provided I find you.

…I write that like it'll be some huge endeavor, but somehow, I doubt that's true. There's a strange feeling that curls around me when I think about you searching for me or wanting to see me. I'm not sure what it means, and honestly, I don't care to find out. At least…not yet. I keep reminding myself that I deserve some peace.

There are times when I'll come across someone who instantly feels familiar and I know that it's a soul I saved back then. They never recognize me. Sometimes these people are alone, but they're often with families or friends. It makes me wonder what I think I'm doing when I'm going around alone like this. Don't I deserve a life with Serah or…someone?

I don't know. And you're the only person who could possibly understand why I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.

Do you ever have nightmares about what we did? It's as though all of my suppressed emotions from back then made their way here and now I'm experiencing them tenfold. There are a lot of nights where I'll wake up in a cold sweat with the sheets twisted around me, and that's when I know I need to move on to the next train. I can't tell if the nightmares are from guilt – because I didn't find out until the end what was happening to you – or just plain fear… Fear of the thought of not being able to save you.

You were the last soul I saved. Maybe that's why I think about you so often.

And why I'm writing these ridiculous letters.

Sincerely,
Lightning

–

Dear Hope,

I had another dream last night about the old world. In it, I was still trapped in Valhalla while the Chaos escaped. I was swept in it and wasn't able to become a Savior or see anyone – it was nothing but clouds of endless darkness. I tried over and over to reach for your and Serah's hands, but they were always out of my grasp.

I'm pretty sure I screamed myself away. A staff member on the train actually came to ask if I was okay, but of course I didn't tell him anything. I just spent the rest of the night staring out the window and nursing some coffee while a storm raged in the far distance.

Why do I have these dreams? There's nothing here that would suggest any of the gods are controlling this world. Everyone else seems to be fine…but then again, it's not as though they remember.

Are you having these dreams, too?

I wish I could ask you. Sometimes I think being alone is completely futile, because towards the end, it was the last thing I wanted. To be left alone, I mean. Isn't that why I accepted Lumina back into my heart?

Maybe that's not enough.

Still, I'm not sure I can bring myself to find you and the others…at least not yet. I think there are some things I need to think about first – at least, when I'm able to get a decent amount of sleep to clear my head. Maybe I should lay off the coffee. Of course, it's not like I really need it here, since I don't have to get up early to go to Corps training or anything. I should be brave enough to fight the demons in my dreams.

Haven't I - we - gone through much worse?

Lightning

–

Hope,

I think writing this out might be helping. It's been a few days since I've had any dreams. Then again, maybe I was just too exhausted to conjure any, but I'll take that excuse for sure. At least these ridiculous letters are doing some good, even if you'll never read them.

The train is making its way to an 'old' city around here, though I know it doesn't have nearly as much history as the claims are saying. Is this why I feel like I can't seem to settle in anywhere in this world? Because I know all of this history is basically a lie?

Perhaps that's not the best way to see it. After all, when this world was being created, Bhunivelze didn't create everything out of thin air – everything that supposedly happened here did happen in some world somewhere at one point…at least, that's how I understand it.

But that doesn't make it our history. I know no one would ever believe me if I said as much, but it still doesn't stop me from thinking it.

At least, no one but you would believe me.

And the others.

I don't like feeling like such an outsider in this world, but I can't forget about the old one. Not yet, anyway. Though maybe when I do, the nightmares will stop. Sometimes I'm able to get off the train for awhile and sleep in a hotel, and it helps a little.

This is completely ridiculous, but on those nights, I wish you were waiting there to welcome me home.

Sincerely,
Lightning

–

Dear Hope,

The train to the next city has been delayed for the next few hours due to rain. It hasn't rained at all since I've been traveling, so it makes me wonder when the last time I saw it was. Did it drizzle a few times while I was making my way through the Wildlands, or am I imagining that?

Nobody else is paying the rain any mind – except for the ones that are annoyed about the delay – but now I can't stop thinking about it. Back before we all became l'cie, I did enjoy rainy days, especially as a kid. Serah and I would lay on the couch and go through piles of books or magazines. It was always quiet and comfortable, the kind of steadiness you could depend on.

Storms are a different story, though. I remember there was thunder and lightning in the distance the day my mother died and I was wandering around Bodhum in shock. This was where I decided to go by my new name.

It's still my name, I guess. Even though I accept the part of myself I associate with 'Claire', I just don't feel like that's truly me anymore. Maybe it's because I was reborn in this world as Lightning instead of Claire. I'm not sure.

Funny the thoughts a rainy day brings up. At least I have a lot to think about during this delay.

I wonder if you'd still call me 'Light', even though it's been months since I've seen you.

Lightning

–

Dear Hope,

There's a tower in this city that takes my breath away. It's tall, for one thing, but that's not the reason – it's because it seems like there's two different sides to it. During the day, it looks pretty ugly, especially up close – it's just twisted metal that frankly looks like a bit of an eyesore, especially since you can see it from anywhere in the city. It's always in the corner of your eye, like some kind of taunt.

At night, though…the tower seems to come alive. It's lit up more brightly than anything else in the city, like it's truly made of pure light. You can't see any of the metal or anything that makes it so ugly otherwise. It's incredible to look at. Dazzling, almost, like it was something taken from the old world and set here for us to remember.

Even though, of course, you and I are the only ones that remember.

I wish you could see this place with me. Isn't that strange? All the fellow tourists here are calling this one of the most romantic...er, beautiful cities in the world, and my first thought is that I want to bring you here, and not Serah or anyone else.

I wonder what that means.

Thank god you're never going to read these. I'm not sure why I'm even bothering to continue writing them, but it's kind of nice. It makes me feel like you're somewhere nearby and I can just tell this all to you later.

Provided you want to see me, of course. Maybe it's been too long.

Maybe it'll be forever, because I wish this night would never end and I could stare at this tower of light until everything makes sense in my head. Looking at it gives me hope, though. When the lights are shining, it looks like it was constructed out of nothing, like this whole world basically was. If it can stand and provide such wonder, who's to say the rest of the world isn't like that?

From,
Lightning

–

Hope,

It's been nearly two weeks and I haven't had any nightmares since seeing that tower. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it helped settle my mind a little. Maybe I've just been taking longer than usual to find my place here.

Strangely enough, I don't think going to Serah would help, even though that's always at the front of my thoughts. I know Serah can thrive without me since – as much as I hate to admit it – she has Snow.

But I've lived so much of my life for her – trying to save her, protect her world, saving her soul – that it makes me wonder just what exactly I'm supposed to do now. Like I wrote, Serah can thrive without me. Maybe the point of all this traveling I've been doing is to prove that I can thrive without her.

That still doesn't quite settle with me, though. Something's missing.

Would writing it make it more real? Maybe I should keep it to myself for now.

Lightning

–

Hope,

This train keeps delaying due to the weather. We seem to be getting closer and closer to the storms that have been wrecking havoc. I can't help but wonder if it's because of me, and the storm is trying to lead me to it.

…I just reread that and it probably doesn't make any sense at all, does it? I'm not sure anything in my head makes sense right now, honestly. Writing it down does help. It helps even more if I imagine I'm actually saying this to you. Somehow, I think you'd listen.

You'd understand.

I want to find you. At least, I think I do. But a part of me now wonders if it's been too long and you've tossed me from your mind. I wonder if the others did, too. Besides Serah, of course. Though now that she presumably has Snow…

Do all of you ever think about me, I wonder? Do you think of finding me or have you tried? I'm always on these trains, always moving, so you probably haven't had any luck. I am sorry about that – the longest I've stayed in any once place since arriving on this world was that city with that tower of light. Maybe I should stay there, since it was the one place I've felt like…myself in a long, long time.

Or maybe it was just the possibility I felt there. Ever since my mother died far back on the old world, I never really had much choice in my destiny or where life would lead me. Sure, I lived the way I wanted. But in the end, it was all for Serah. Then the world. And then…

You.

–

Dear Hope,

I'm sorry I ended that last letter so abruptly. I've been doing a lot of thinking in the days since then, and, well…

Serah has Snow in this world, of that I'm positive. But who do iyou/i have?

Since I know you'll never read this, I can write with confidence that you were closest to me among all our friends. All of the others have someone – even Noel has Yeul and Sazh got Dajh back. Fang and Vanille are together, of course.

But where does that leave you?

And – again, I'm glad you'll never read this, because even writing it down is embarrassing – it makes me wonder if maybe this means you're supposed to be with me.

Or maybe I'm supposed to be with you.

I never could have survived those last thirteen days without you. Sometimes I wonder how you survived those five hundred years between the Chaos and the end, all alone in the Ark for so long. Honestly, I'm not sure I would have been able to handle it. It was bad enough in those seconds before I saved your soul where I thought I was alone…but I brought you back and you came with me.

And now look at me, leaving you alone again. What kind of partner am I?

Even if you're not looking for me and even if you don't want to see me…I think I have to see you, just to know that you're okay and that you're happy here. It won't matter if you push me away or tell me to leave. I just have to know.

Now that I've put that desire out there, maybe something will lead me to you. I can't say I actually believe in destiny, but I'll grab onto anything at this point.

From,
Lightning

–

Hope,

The storms have stopped and the trains have been moving smoothly. I like to think they're on my side.

Instinct tells me you're somewhere nearby, and if there's one thing I've always taken seriously, it's to trust my instincts.

I'm not stopping here. I'm getting on the next train.

–

Dear Hope,

I just now finished a conversation with a woman – Aoede, I believe her name was – who claims she's spoken to you. Interviewed you, apparently. I think she wanted to give me one as well, but all I could do was ask where you two met.

She told me she has memories from the old world – the 'Crystal Age', she's calling it. She was there when the Purge happened and described it in perfect detail, so I was forced to believe her. It makes me wonder if any of these other people I pass on the street have memories, but pass them off as nothing but a dream. That's a little scary to think about, honestly.

But she assured me that humanity will be all right. For some reason, I'm inclined to trust her – perhaps since it's because of her that I'll be getting off at the next station.

What was it that you told me at the end, when you saved me?

We'll be together.. Right?

Maybe it's time to make that promise a reality.

Yours,
Lightning

–

Dear Hope,

It's been nearly five years since I've written anything in this notebook. I'm honestly surprised all of these letters survived the move to our new place, especially since I've practically forgotten this existed.

I think tonight's as good a time as any to write you a letter you'll never read, though (unless you've been snooping through my things and have read them, but I know you better than that), especially since I read through the first few notes here. Amazing how confused I felt back then, when the answer was always staring me right in the face.

You. You were always the answer.

Or I guess in this case…you and I.

You're actually asleep next to me right now, making these quiet murmuring noises. You do that a lot, actually. I wonder what you're dreaming about, but at least I know it's something good. I don't think you've had a nightmare in over a year. I'm proud of you for working through all that – and don't lie, you did it for yourself as much as you did it for me.

But that's what it comes down to, right? The fact that it's you and I. We're not alone anymore – of course, we never were, since we still have and will always have our friends and family. You're more than that, though. I knew that the moment I stepped off that train nearly five years ago.

I still remember it like it was yesterday. The sky was so blue it hurt. The scenery was beautiful and you could smell the wild roses in the air. I know I was smiling before I even saw you, waiting for me at the station like we'd planned my arrival all along.

You never did tell me why you were there that day, of all days, but I'm pretty sure it was because you did what I did – you trusted your instincts.

These past five years have been some of the best of my life – this or any other. Even before you admitted your feelings to me, I knew I wanted to stay close to you for a long, long time.

As sappy and completely ridiculous as this sounds, I love that you can sleep next to me without any fear and doubt in your heart. I love that even after all you've been through, you're still the kind, caring person you were back then…except now with added confidence that shines through you. I love that during those first few months, you took things as slowly as I needed you to. I love that you start the coffee for me if you happen to wake up first. I love all of the traveling we've done to see this world through new eyes, without any storms or hesitation in the way – I still remember the look on your face when you saw that tower for the first time. You went on and on about how it must have been built, but were rendered speechless when you saw it bathed in light.

What I especially love right now, however, is that you don't have the faintest idea that I saw that little black jewelry box in your dresser. I didn't look inside of it, don't worry – but I'm fairly sure I know what's in there. And even if I'm wrong, it's okay. We have all the time in the world. We'll always be together.

All you have to do is ask, and I'll say yes.

Love always,
Light

Thank you all for your kind reviews :D