Chapter 65 – A Parade of Idiots
A/n – I'm happy that you are all so glad I'm back instead of shouting at me for being gone so long. Some of your reviews literally made me cry because of how happy you were. This chapter was amazingly fun to write so I hope you enjoy it. Also check out the story tumblr for an explanation about Phase 2.
Death-Sama01 – That's some dedication because this story is ridiculously long at this point. I sometimes marvel that new people still start it. Glad you like fem!Tony.
Jesskalynn4 – That seems to have been a common reaction. And a lot of people seem to have just reread this recently which I guess is a freaky coincidence. The Natalie/Natasha bits are going to be fun for sure.
OntheRun246 – At some points I wasn't sure if this was going to be continued either but I managed it finally. This story has a clear direction at this point although the sequel(s) are a little muddied until I figure out what to do with the Phase 2 movies but I'm sorting that out. The Natasha/Toni friendship is going to be fun for me to finally write after so long hint dropping.
The Last One Left 0 – Iron Man 2 isn't my favourite of the movies either but I'm hoping I can do something good with it. Details of the sequel stuff on my tumblr including a little bit about Avengers 2.
Kmon13 – I am extremely flattered by that comparison as that show is awesome. I have a personal Toni who looks nothing like any actress although I have a few that are close but I would be interested in the choice too. I'll just say that in the gap between IM2 and Thor there will be a SHIELD and Amora scene.
Toni and Clint came back from the kitchen laden down with several different buckets of popcorn. It was a good thing that they were both graceful people or there would surely have been a trail of dropped popcorn behind them. "You do realise you could have had us help you," Natasha snorted as Toni handed her one of the buckets.
"Wouldn't have been nearly as fun," the pair chorused.
"I'm starting to think we need to separate you two for the good of everyone," Phil chuckled.
"Shut up and start the movie so I can actually enjoy this popcorn," Clint groaned.
An establishing shot of DC was shown as a gavel could be heard ringing out. "Miss Stark, could we pick up now where we left off?" Senator Stern asked. He blatantly didn't have Toni's attention as she was turned around in her chair mouthing at Piper who was motioning at her to turn around.
"If this is how it's starting then Clint was right about the need for popcorn," Bruce chuckled, "this is going to be a circus."
"Trust me it will be much better than a circus," Clint said as he threw some popcorn in the air and caught it with his mouth.
"Stop playing with your food Clint," Natasha said jokingly resulting in Clint simply throwing some of it at her. Thor looked keen to join in on the food fight that was about to erupt but Steve stepped in as the voice of reason, "come on guys let's not mess up Toni's living room."
"Feel free," Toni said with a shrug, "but you should know the rules about food fights in this house are that bots don't help clean up. And anyone involved in the food fight gets to clean the room it took place in. It should be noted all the vacuum cleaners are bots."
That promptly ended any of Natasha's ideas about throwing popcorn back at Clint although it certainly wasn't going to let him get off scot-free. She'd find another way to get back at him later.
The gavel was banged yet again to try and gain Toni's attention, "Miss Stark. Please," the Senator sighed.
"Yes, dear?" Toni quipped gaining a few chuckles from the back.
"I'm regretting ever calling him that no matter how funny it was," Toni mumbled. The man was a complete ass who really needed to stop trying to steal from people.
"Can I have your attention?" Stern asked exasperatedly.
"Absolutely," Toni said with a bright and obviously fake smile.
"I am disappointed that we appear to have started this encounter in the middle," Thor said with a frown, "I am sure the beginning was most entertaining." There were nods of agreement from everyone in the room.
"Don't worry the press were there for the whole thing," Toni said with a smirk, "I have the full recording on the Stark Industries servers already so you can see the whole thing later."
The crowd in the room was obviously on Toni's side judging by the many chuckles going on behind her as Senator Stern posed his next question, "Do you or do you not possess a specialised weapon?"
"I do not," Toni said matter-of-factly as the screen showed a view of her from a news camera.
"The best thing is that it's true," Natasha laughed, "because the suit would really be classified as a manned aircraft. A rather strange one but the description still applies."
"You do not?" Stern said disbelievingly.
"I do not," Toni reiterated before tacking on, "well, it depends on how you define the word 'weapon.'"
"That was clever," Bruce acknowledged, "making them give an exact description so that you could refute that one specifically and not have to make statements that were too broad and therefore could be subject to scrutiny later."
"I know how to play my politics," Toni sighed, "even if it bores the shit out of me all of the time. I cannot think of one single instance when I enjoyed dealing with a politician. Even if I agreed with that politician about some issues."
"The Iron Man weapon," Stern stated.
"My device does not fit that description," Toni told him firmly.
"Well… how would you describe it?" Stern asked leaning forward in his chair.
"I would describe it by defining it as what it is, Senator," Toni said cutting off the end of the Senator's sentence in the process.
"As?" Stern questioned.
"It's a high-tech prosthesis," Toni said visibly hesitating in the middle to choose her words carefully. This resulted in a hearty laugh from the crowd.
"You're being more polite than I expected you to be," Steve mentioned.
"Don't worry," Toni told him, "my trademark wit and charm will soon be on full display to make this scene even more entertaining."
"That is… that is," Toni continued over the laughter, "that's actually the most apt description I can make of it."
"Very apt," Phil said remembering what they'd seen in the previous movie.
"It's a weapon. It's a weapon Miss Stark," Stern said ignoring her.
He clearly intended to say something else after that but Toni promptly interrupted him, "Please, if your priority was actually the well-being of the American citizen…"
Senator Stern continued talking however saying, "My priority is to get the Iron Man weapon turned over to the people of the United States of America."
"Honestly this hearing is ridiculous," Steve snorted, "For a start I agree with Toni about them not having the well-being of American citizens as a priority. From what I've seen of government these days they're far too focused on military spending to do anything else that's beneficial like granting them free healthcare and education. And as much as I appreciate what American soldiers do for their country there is no way that handing over something as powerful as an Iron Man suit to the military and having it mass produced wouldn't lead to disaster. You're right about the atomic bomb Toni. Having the reputation of being the only country in the world to actually use one isn't something I like about America."
Toni was pleased that Steve seemed to finally be admitting his real views on subjects now that his opinions weren't being clouded by his distrust of Toni and his fondness for her father. This was much more like the Captain America she'd heard endless stories about in her youth. She was sure that when her father's video showed up in the story as it was bound to it might bring back some tension but maybe it would help them bury the hatchet once and for all. She'd like that even though she admitted that a while back she might have been too bitter about constantly being compared to Steve by her father to accept an offer of genuine friendship.
"Well, you can forget it," Toni said bluntly, "I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one. To turn over the Iron Man suit would be to turn over myself, which is tantamount to indentured servitude or prostitution depending on what state you're in. You can't have it."
This comment drew snorts and laughs from everyone in the room including Toni who was very proud of that remark. Sure, it hit on the point that people like Fury didn't understand about the suit being nothing without her but the prostitution remark was really the best bit of her entire speech.
"Look, I'm no expert…" Stern started.
"In prostitution?" Toni quipped, "Of course not. You're a senator. Come on."
Natasha snorted remembering some of the data that SHIELD had on this particular senator. She wouldn't call him an expert on prostitution but he certainly wasn't unfamiliar with it. In fact he was marked down as a target to be seduced if they ever needed access to him for any reason.
Toni gestured to the crowd as they laughed raucously. She shared a brief non-verbal exchange with Piper who clearly didn't approve as Senator Stern continued, "I'm no expert in weapons."
"Then what the hell are you doing heading a committee about weapons," Clint said with an eye roll.
"We have somebody here who is an expert in weapons," Stern said, "I'd now like to call Justin Hammer, our current primary weapons contractor."
"Idiot," Natasha and Toni chorused and Clint looked even more excited at this fact. The show was really getting good at this point.
Toni sent a sceptical look over at the man taking a seat at the other end of the table before stating, "Let the record reflect that I observed Mr Hammer entering the chamber, and I am wondering if and when any actual expert will also be in attendance."
"I'll explain when we actually get to the bits that really show what he's like," Toni said responding to the curious looks shot her way, "although they'll probably be fairly self-evident now that I think about it."
The crowd murmured amongst themselves about the obvious disdain Toni had just shown. After all it was a well-known fact that if Toni was still making weapons that Hammer would not have the DOD contract. Hammer chuckled flatly before speaking, "Absolutely. I'm no expert. I defer to you, Antoinette. You're the wonder girl." It was clear he didn't mean a single word he said.
"Oh I am really going to hate him aren't I?" Bruce sighed, "as if I didn't already hate enough people."
"Senator, if I may," Hammer began standing up and walking around the table, "I may well not be an expert but you know who was the expert? Your dad. Howard Stark."
"He really brought that up," Clint whistled.
"I agree with Friend Banner," Thor boomed, "I do not like this mortal."
"Really a father to us all," Hammer continued as Toni rolled her eyes, "and to the military-industrial age. Let's just be clear. He was no flower child. He was a lion," Senator Stern looked ridiculously pleased at the dark expression on Toni's face, "We all know why we're here, in the last six months, Antoinette Stark has created a sword with untold possibilities and yet she insists it's a shield."
"That must have been so hard for him to admit," Toni laughed, "no seriously. He's been trying to downplay my achievements for years because he doesn't think women are fit to run companies and he finally has to admit I'm capable and it's all caught on camera."
"She asks us to trust her as we cower behind it," Hammer said his face briefly taking on a truly childish mocking expression displaying his distaste for Toni as clear as day, "I wish I were comforted, Antoinette. I really do. I'd love to leave my door unlocked when I leave the house, but this ain't Canada. You know we live in a world of grave threats, threats that Miss Stark will not always be able to foresee. Thank you. God bless Iron Man. God bless America."
"Okay, firstly that metaphor is really stupid," Steve sighed, "and secondly why does he insist on calling you by your full name."
"Because he thinks it's demeaning in some way," Toni said with a shrug, "I don't know I never really got it. Sure it's not the greatest name in the world and I much prefer my two nicknames but it doesn't annoy me that much to be called by it. Maybe it's because it's easier to make sound pompous. Who gives a shit about what Hammer thinks to be honest?"
"Also how pretentious is ending on god bless America," Natasha snorted, "it is blatant pandering. Not even Steve would do that and we all know how much you love America Steve."
"You're right," Steve said, "I wouldn't do that."
The people on the panel and some scattered audience members were the only ones who applauded Hammer's speech as Senator Stern spoke again, "That is well said Mr Hammer. The committee would now like to invite Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes to the chamber."
"Well they're going to try and make him badmouth you by taking things out of context and that's not going to look good in the press because I'm sure Rhodey will make it clear that they're doing so," Phil predicted.
"Rhodey?" Toni said slightly shocked as the press jumped to their feet, "what?"
Rhodey walked down the aisle towards the table as Toni got up from her chair and walked up to meet him, "hey buddy," she said pleasantly, "I didn't expect to see you here."
"Look, it's me. I'm here. Deal with it. Let's move on," he summarised succinctly.
"You weren't as surprised as you appeared were you?" Clint pointed out.
"I suspected they might bring him in if they could pull it off. He was the only member of the military to get anywhere near me and he was peripherally involved in the first time the Iron Man suit was publically unveiled. I didn't know for sure though," Toni agreed.
"Drop it," Rhodey said again as Toni continued to try and talk as they made their way back to the table together and took their seats.
"I have before me a complete report on the Iron Man weapon," Stern stated, "compiled by Colonel Rhodes. And, Colonel, for the record can you please read page 57, paragraph 4?"
"Knew it," Phil laughed, "I bet that's the one section where he said something negative.
"You're requesting that I read specific selections from my report, Senator?" Rhodey clarified to make it clear to those watching that he knew exactly what the Senator was trying to do.
"Yes, sir," Stern said.
"It was my understanding that I was going to be testifying in a much more comprehensive and detailed manner," Rhodey said calmly.
"I understand," Stern said quickly clearly not wanting him to go too far down that line of thought, "A lot of things have changed today. So if you could just read…"
Rhodey wasn't going to let him get away with changing the subject though and began talking over him, "you do understand that reading a single paragraph out of context does not reflect the summary of my final…"
"Sometimes I can really like him," Natasha sighed, "he cleverly pointed out what he knew what the correct form of his giving testimony should have been and the problems with context without being rude so the audience is inclined to trust him."
"Just read it, Colonel. I do. Thank you," Stern said sharply.
"He doesn't even seem to realise just how bad he's made himself look," Bruce mused, "you'd think someone who managed to become a State Senator would be capable of a modicum of logical thinking. But I guess I have high expectations of the people who are running my country."
"Very well," Rhodey said quietly turning to the correct page, "as she does not operate within any definable branch of government, Iron Man presents a potential threat to the security of both the nation and to her interests." He sent several apologetic looks over at Toni while talking clearly hating the situation.
"Is that the strongest insult they had?" Natasha scoffed, "as SHIELD's watch list shows that applies to a hell of a lot of people. I thought he might have said something a bit more disparaging."
"I did, however," Rhodey said quickly before Stern could interrupt him, "go on to summarise that the benefits of Iron Man far outweigh the liabilities."
Stern tried to stop him speaking a few times throughout that sentence and failed as Rhodey continued, "and that it would be in our interest…"
Here Stern overlapped with, "That's enough Colonel," but it still couldn't stop him, "to enfold Miss Stark into the current chain of command, sir."
"I really don't see why everyone wouldn't have just considered that as the best option to start with," Steve sighed, "I understand you don't like the military but even just having you continue telling Rhodey when you were about to do something big should have been enough."
"Some people are just greedy Steve," Toni sighed.
"I'm not a joiner," Toni quipped knowing they'd never accept her into the chain of command, "but I'll consider Secretary of Defence, if you ask nice. We can amend the hours a little bit." Her quips continued to get her laughs proving that Stern's attempt to turn the public against her wasn't working.
"I'd like to go on and show, if I may," Stern said a little nervously now, "the imagery that's connected to your report."
"If he thought his plan would withstand the Lady Toni's intellect then he truly is a fool," Thor laughed.
"Everyone is a fool next to Annie," Natasha said fondly.
"Love you too, Tasha," Toni quipped although you could hear the genuine affection behind the statement.
"I believe it is somewhat premature to reveal these images to the general public at this time," Rhodey advised.
"With all due respect," Stern said in a tone that meant no respect was given, "Colonel, I understand. And if you could narrate those for us, we'd be very grateful."
"You really did get stuck with the senator who had the most asshole tendencies of them all didn't you," Clint scoffed, "I wonder what idiots voted for him."
"There are plenty of other assholes just as bad in politics," Toni snorted.
Rhodey gestured to a man at the side saying, "let's have the images," knowing there was nothing else he could do. An aerial view of a compound was shown as Rhodey began talking, "intelligence suggests that the devices seen in these photos are, in fact, attempts at making manned copies of Miss Stark's suit."
"I can see why he didn't want to release them to the public," Bruce commented, "why would you want to reveal to the corporations that are doing this that you know what's going on so early. Although I'm not that worried considering they're doomed to fail."
Toni raised an eyebrow at this and pulled out a smartphone and began typing as Rhodey continued, "This has been corroborated by our allies and local intelligence on the ground, indicating that these suits are quite possibly, at this moment, operational."
"And I suspect Toni is about to prove that assumption spectacularly wrong," Steve said with a slight smile.
"Hold on one second buddy," Toni said leaning over, "let me see something here." She tapped a few buttons on the phone and a black box appeared on the screen as Toni commented, "Oh! Boy I'm good. I commandeered your screens." Hammer appeared disconcerted by this development.
"Popcorn was my best idea ever," Clint muttered.
"I need them," Toni commented while still tapping away, "Time for a little transparency. Now let's see what's really going on?" The black box on the screen was revealed to say 'Welcome Miss Stark.'
"What is she doing?" Stern said worried.
"If you will direct your attention to said screens…" Toni continued as if she hadn't heard him, "I believe that's North Korea," grainy footage was shown on the screen of a Mark 1 sized robot taking a tentative step and toppling down activating a spray of machine gun fire from its weapons.
"I'm really not sure how some people can get such basic things as weight distribution wrong and still claim to be scientists," Toni sighed exasperatedly. Honestly, she needed some scientists to actually measure up to. There was Bruce obviously who was amazing, there was Reed Richards who was not pleasant to be around because of his hubris, Jane Foster and Erik Selvig were intelligent if working in highly specialised areas and there were the two stand out scientists who worked for SHIELD, Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons who she planned on recruiting if she could but honestly she really didn't think there were that many others. Certainly no others that she wouldn't clash ridiculously badly with although she had – rarely – been proven wrong before. She would hold out hope for now.
"Can you turn that off?" Stern said panicked knowing it was ruining his argument, "Take it off." Hammer stood up obviously in an attempt to do just that.
"Iran," Toni continued showing a man catapulting through the air in an attempt at flight and disastrously crashing, "no grave immediate threat here. Is that Justin Hammer? How did Hammer get in the game?"
"Oh, that's priceless," Phil laughed, "I know you probably suspected that he was trying to make suits at this point but finding the footage must have made your day."
"Justin, you're on TV," Toni pointed out as Hammer practically tried to block the screen with his body, "Focus up." The members of the committee talked among themselves clearly only just having been made aware of this development. Toni and Rhodey shared satisfied looks amongst the chaos.
"Okay, give me a left twist," the Hammer on the screen told his test subject, "Left's good. Turn to the right." Here the suit clearly glitched with sparks flying off it as Hammer backed away saying, "Oh, shit!" repeatedly. The real life Hammer finally managed to find the power cord and pull the plug at that moment.
"I do so love it when you humiliate sexist assholes Annie," Natasha sighed contentedly.
"Wow," Toni deadpanned as Senator Stern was left with no options but to put his head in his hands, "Yeah, I'd say most countries, five, 10 years away. Hammer Industries, 20."
"I'd like to point out that that test pilot survived," Hammer said hurriedly.
"I should hope so," Steve said angrily, "you shouldn't be testing something that's potentially that dangerous with a live human being inside unless you're willing to take the risk yourself like Toni did. Honestly, the man disgusts me."
"I think we're done is the point that he's making," Senator Stern said stuttering, "I-I-I don't see that there's- that there's any reason that…"
"The point is, you're welcome," Toni told him, "I guess."
"For what?" Stern asked.
"Because I'm apparently working as your nuclear deterrent," Toni told him, "It's working. We're safe. America is secure. You want my property? You can't have it but I did you a big favour," her she stood up and faced the crowd, "I have successfully privatised world peace." Here she held up peace signs on both hands as the audience stood up and applauded.
"And there's you coining your favourite line," Bruce quipped, "a truly historic moment."
"What more do you want?" Toni shouted as Stern surveyed the room wearing a frown, "For now! I tried to play ball with these ass-clowns."
"You come up with the most creative insults Lady Toni," Thor declared.
"Fuck you, Miss Stark," Stern declared, "fuck you buddy."
"And there goes any claim he might have had that at least he clung onto some professionalism throughout the proceedings," Clint laughed.
"We're adjourned. We're adjourned for the day," Stern sighed.
"Okay," Toni said with a beaming smile.
"You've been a delight," Stern quipped as Toni donned her sunglasses and blew air kisses at the committee table as Rhodey shook his head in astonishment for just what Toni had pulled on the committee.
The scene changed to show the committee meeting with Toni striding down the aisle on a small TV screen and a man translating into Russian. Toni shook hands with several people on the way out while directly addressing the camera, "my bond is with the people. And I will serve this great nation at the pleasure of myself," the shot changed to show Ivan watching the broadcast, "if there's one thing I've proven is that you can count on me to pleasure myself."
Clint snorted so hard at that that some popcorn went flying across the room and some of the others weren't much better off. Thor had descended into a laughing fit, Natasha and Bruce looked like they were trying really hard not to join them and Steve and Phil's lips both twitched at the corner.
Ivan was shown working once more as a tube filled with blue lightning buzzed in the background. He flicked a switch and the lightning spread along a metal whip with the loudness of the buzzing increasing. He then picked up the chest plate with the arc reactor installed and slipped it on with it fastening up mechanically as he walked. The whips in his hands lit up as he stared at the wall of papers about Toni before he swung one of them and sliced the TV in half.
"And I was having so much fun too," Clint sighed.
A/n – Next chapter everyone finds out about the poisoning which should be interesting. Hope to see you guys then.