Nocturne - Chapter Sixty-One: Threshold
Rated - M (for extremely suggestive adult themes, references to harsh violence, and coarse language)
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.
o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o
The evening crickets chirruped happily. Their soothing tones mingled with the twilight's cacophony. The melody had a calming effect, which may be necessary to help assuage the petulant hanyo sitting in front of her.
Inuyasha had given her space, only seeking Kagome out once he sensed she was in a steady mood. Once he found her, though, his displeasure rolled off in waves. His crossed arms and a near scowl on his brow were all indications Kagome needed to know that she was in for a confrontation.
"Ya gonna tell me why the hell you had that prick bring me back?"
Kagome winced. She sighed and thanked Kami that Sesshomaru had the foresight to abscond from this interaction. The demon lord had seen his younger half-brother from afar waiting for them. He tenderly tucked an errant strand of hair behind Kagome's ear and left without a word. She'd initially felt puzzled by his sudden departure but quickly pieced together why when she spotted Inuyasha leaning against the back of a tree.
"I don't know," she admitted. "I panicked when I thought you were gone forever," Kagome recalled that moment with an internal shudder. "I could ask the same of you," she retorted.
Inuyasha raised the corner of his lip in perplexion. "Huh?"
"If I recall correctly, you asked Sesshomaru to bring me back even when you knew I was no longer yours."
"I-!" He stammered, "I didn't!" He had adopted a more defensive stance now that the tables had turned. "Keh," he huffed dismissively, throwing his arms back across his chest.
Kagome allowed a tiny smile to bloom. "That's what I thought."
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, I guess ya make a point. But I kinda wish ya hadn't. I don't have the same reason to stick around."
Now it was Kagome's turn to cross her arms. "Look, I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe I was selfish, and I panicked at that moment." She looked up at him and sighed, exhaling through her nose. "But despite all we've been through, I could not imagine a world without you."
He cocked his head, and his eyes softened, "Kags, I-I- that's not really fair, ya know."
She shook her head. "No, it's not fair, but I won't apologize for wanting you around. I know we aren't together, but that doesn't mean I don't care or that you don't deserve to live out your life with your friends."
His eyes flicked away, looking off to the distance while he mulled over her words. "I don't have…well…what you have. It was taken from me."
Shizuka, the mute hanyo woman who Inuyasha had taken as a lover, had been killed, her essence absorbed by Fan Tsenpo. Her body had been desecrated, preventing Sesshomaru from using Tensaiga and bringing her back. Kagome had not known the woman well but could see that the pair had grown close over the years. Despite having moved on, it was difficult for her to see Inuyasha with anyone else, and she knew it was the same for him. Now that he was alone again, it seemed like some cosmic joke that was set to repeat constantly, and the gravity of her decision began to settle on her shoulders.
Inuyasha sighed, seemingly resigning himself to solitude. Kagome stepped towards him and placed a hand on his arm. "It was selfish of me to want you here. But you're here now, and your friends love you." She squeezed reassuringly. "I love you."
His eyes narrowed, and like her words had stung, he shrugged away from her grip. "Don't patronize me. I get it. Ya did what ya did, and I'm stuck here now."
"Don't be difficult, Inuyasha. I said I'm sorry."
He scoffed, "No, ya didn't. I don't know what kind of half-ass non-apology shit your tryna pull, but that shit won't work on me."
She pursed her lips, "Well, I am not sorry for doing it. I'm just sorry that you are taking life for granted." Kagome gave an exasperated sigh. "Look, we're fighting again."
"It's what we do," he quipped, eyeing her briefly and allowing a slight smirk.
Kagome gave him a tiny shove with her hand. "You ass."
Was all forgiven? No, likely not... But would he be okay, Kagome wondered? It would not bode well to live with regret for as long as her gifted years may allow. She left him against the tree and hoped her decision had not been entirely selfish.
o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o
The season changed rapidly, and the leaves had begun their yearly change to the vibrant yellows and reds of fall. Small pops of green still showed, indicating summer's last valiant stand.
Kagome's body also weathered a change of its own, her belly swelling under the fabric of her hakui. It weighed heavily on her mind more so than anything, but she had cause to persevere.
Over the months, she had remained in the village, taking residence in a small house just outside of the village. It had been her choice to stay while sending Sesshomaru back to their daughter and away from the hubbub of village life.
He had not gone willingly, and it had taken much to convince him to leave, but the stubborn yokai lord had acquiesced only after Kagome had promised him this was not permanent. Another stipulation was that he and Setsuna could visit any time of their choosing, which Sesshomaru took advantage of almost nightly.
It should not have surprised her for him to find a loophole in those words. She had offered them out of desperation when she had first discovered her pregnancy. Fan's words resounded through her mind and caused her to doubt her resolve and her fear of Sesshomaru's ability to hold back if he thought the child in her womb might be the spawn of a madman.
Kagome twirled a strand of hair around her finger idly. She sat in the tiny house and poured over the yellowing pages of a textbook she had smuggled over a decade ago. The words were slightly smudged from her fingers, constantly running over the words.
A twinge in her belly made her breath hitch, and she paused from the book, looking down. She stroked her stomach and sighed in exasperation, suddenly angered by her self-imposed semi-exile.
Kagome had tried to busy her body and mind with reading and working with Rin. Kagome had also begun training Sango's daughter in another desperate attempt to validate her reasoning. She told herself that there could never be enough hands and knowledge regarding medicine. The young woman, now a blossoming mother, was still training as a Miko, and though she was well on her way to striking out on her own, Kagome needed this excuse to remain behind at the village.
The movement became a more delicate flutter than the earlier twinge. The constant flux from uncomfortable to gentle was unnerving and mirrored Kagome's inner thoughts on the matter. At times, she felt content and a particular longing for the growing babe, and then, more often than not, she had an anxious fear gnawing at her from inside. The visualization of a monstrous fetus literally chewing its way out of her womb was a frequent nightmare. It was a constant struggle to pull away from the negative visions that perpetuated her psyche.
Kagome sat her book down on her lap and took a steadying breath. 'It's just a baby, no matter what,' she constantly reminded herself. 'An innocent child no matter the parentage.'
"Kagome?"
She jumped a little, startled by the unexpected interruption. "Yes?"
Sango swept into the house and helped herself to some tea, pouring water from a kettle of boiling water Kagome had set over the fire pit in the middle of the room. Kagome watched Sango settle beside her and prepare her drink with idle curiosity about her friend's unannounced visit.
Sango moved with precise, calculated movements that only served to annoy Kagome. She shut her book, allowing the thick binding to snap together with a sound that belayed her thoughts. "Comfy?" Kagome asked pointedly.
Sango smirked and sipped her tea. "Quite. Thank you."
"To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"
"I felt you could benefit from some time with a friend," Sango said.
Kagome stood and put her reading material away. She looked over her shoulder to see Sango studying her. "Inuyasha visits occasionally, and despite my request for time, I cannot seem to keep Sesshomaru away."
"You're not allowing yourself the opportunity to heal Kagome."
Sango was straight to the point, as ever. "I think the outcome of that day is coming along just fine." She gestured to her middle. "I will have a constant reminder staring me in the face."
Sango winced, her eyes closing and her brow pulling into a grimace. Kagome felt a pang of guilt, her words tumbling from her lips with no regard for her friend's feelings.
Kagome tried to reel in her words, "At least, maybe I will. I don't know."
"The absence of a tangible reminder doesn't make the pain any more bearable, Kagome." Sango sipped her cup, likely burying her pain down. Sango didn't need Kagome to overshadow her tragic experiences. She was only attempting to help a friend in need.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Perhaps I'm becoming callous with my words being out on my own." And maybe solitude was hardening her heart and creating a petulant version of her former self.
"I understand you are in pain, but staying out here like this, using the training of Rin as an excuse, will not help as you seem to think."
Kagome knew her excuse was flimsy, but everyone had the grace enough not to call her out. She wanted to feel angry with Sango but knew the woman was right.
Kagome's fears began to tumble from her lips as if breaking down an invisible barrier. "What if.." she began.
"You would love and accept it like you would anything or anyone else. Without question and without hesitation."
"And what about…"
Again, as if with clairvoyance, Sango continued, "Lord Sesshomaru? He will accept whatever you do. No matter what."
Kagome chuckled dryly. "You seem to know him better than I…I have some hesitations."
"You know just as well that he would follow you to the ends of the earth, go to hell and back, all just to make you happy, even if it were to go against his principles."
It was true; Sesshomaru had already allowed his beliefs to be swayed, sensing after time spent with his mortal companions they were founded in undulating prejudice and pride. Rin had caused the crack in that viewpoint years ago with her carefree and loving nature, and Kagome had hammered through the schism with her love.
Sango's perception was correct, and Kagome knew it. She was trying to convince herself of the outcome and allowing herself to wallow in some form of survivor's guilt. Her silence reverberated through the room as she chewed on her bottom lip.
A rustle at the door caused both women's necks to snap towards the sound. As if it were possible for a being of his stature, Sesshomaru stood at the threshold, looking almost sheepish. Sango jolted up to a stand, now hyper-aware that the yokai lord likely overheard her words. "I um," she trailed.