Hello again! I'm so sorry for the delay in updating but as I explained in my story "Daddy" I hurt my wrist and typing became very difficult to do. Once my wrist got better other things came up and I wasn't able to finish this chapter until now. I hope you like it and please review.
Disclaimer: I do not own the song that Rachel sings in the chapter.
He gives her the rest of the weekend to think and even then she has no idea what she's going to say as she drives into the McKinley parking lot. She doesn't see Jesse waiting by his car for her as he usually is and quickly looks at her phone to see if she received anything.
I'll see you after school, I know you need the extra time.
She still can't get used to the fact that he knows her that well; that even without telling him, he knows how much this decision is weighing on her and decided to give her as much space and time as he was capable.
It still doesn't help her make a decision, though.
She doesn't want to hold him back, she knows that for sure. She can't keep him from accomplishing his dream, of being on a Broadway stage in a leading role.
What she's not sure about is what she wants to do with her life.
She's scared. That's the stem of her indecision. She's scared of going back to New York. She's scared of starting over, being a no one after finally having been someone. She's scared of not having a goal, a plan of what she's going to do when she's there. She's scared to take that final step in her relationship.
Lima is and always has been a safety blanket, their Jerusalem, a place where she could continue to cling on to the past, cling on to him. Going to New York would be her letting go of him completely and accepting Jesse completely into her heart.
And that still terrified her.
She makes her way to the choir room and finds Will sitting in the office.
"Good morning, Mr. Schue," she says, attempting to keep her emotions out of her voice.
"Good morning, Rachel," he says looking behind her. "Where's Jesse? Usually you two come in together, almost attached to the hip," he says with a chuckle.
"Um, he's…" she's not really sure what to say to him.
"Are you two having problems?" Will asks concerned.
"No!" she quickly objects. "No, we're fine. It's just that…" she sighs, realizing that she won't be able to get this off her mind.
"Rachel, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you," Will assures her, knowing that his former student needed to speak.
She begins to explain what's going on and vents out all her frustrations and fears with what's been going on.
"So what do you plan on doing?" Will asks.
"I don't know," she sighs. "I can't hold him back Mr. Schue," she says.
"I know you can't but we both know he won't go without you. He put his career before you once and from talking with him, he regrets it every day. He won't make the same mistakes twice Rachel," Will points out.
"I know. But what if I end it? Tell him that I can't be with him and to go to New York without me," Rachel blurts out.
"You mean the same way Finn did to you?" Will points out and she can't help but lower her head. "He may not have regretted sending you to New York but ending your relationship and hurting you, he always did," he tells her. "Do you care about him Rachel?"
"Yes, I really do," she accepts.
"Then you can't do that to him. If you truly see yourself with Jesse, that you may one day love him as much or possibly more than Finn, you have to take that leap, Rachel," he states.
"I'm scared," she admits, quietly.
"I know you are," he says softly. "But that's life Rachel. You can't live without taking chances and facing your fears."
"You're right Mr. Schue. But I need to talk to someone else before talking to Jesse," she says with a small smile.
"Do whatever you need," Will says to her.
Soon after Sue comes in with Myron to tell them that he is joining the New Directions. At the end of the day Rachel makes her way to the auditorium and to the plaque that has Finn's picture on it.
"Hey Finn," she says, clearing her throat. "I really haven't talked to you recently," with a sad giggle, looking at his picture.
She used to do this so much more, almost on a daily basis. But since Jesse came back into her life she hasn't had the urge to do so.
"Um… I'm seeing Jesse now… and he… he makes me really happy Finn," she admits, tears in her voice. "I know you never liked him but… I'm… I'm starting to fall in love with him and I feel that I've found my life again," she voices what she's known for a while now.
"And I feel like I can move on with it now. I want to start a new life in New York. A life where I've learned from mistakes, where I can keep you in a small part of my heart but give the rest of it to Jesse without guilt or hesitation. I really want that Finn," she declares, the last part in a near whisper. "And I know deep down that you want this for me too," she pauses to gather herself before she begins to sing.
"Thank you for finding me, and thank you for the care. And screw you for making me think that this life might be fair," she sings with a slight chuckle knowing that Finn would have laughed at her inability to sing the actual lyric.
"You promised to love me, a promise you have kept. And I won't be sorry that you said to leap and I leapt," she sings as she remembers his push to get her to New York.
"I won't regret, what I did then," she really doesn't, "Though it hurts more than I could imagine back when," the pain of losing him made her feel that she was dying. Slowly that pain had diminished, thanks to her friends and recently to Jesse. "All the same even so, I would love you all over again."
"Am I always starting over in a brand new story? Am I always back at one after all I've done? 'Cause I've burned all of my bridges and learned every last lesson too. So how can I start new?" That is something she is constantly wondering. She really had burned every bridge she had made both in NYADA and in the Broadway community. If (she's starting to lean more towards when honestly) she moves to New York, she won't have any connections to help her out, if anything, she would have much more obstacles created by her bad decisions.
"Oh I love our friends both fiercely and well. When we talk about you, Oh lordy! the stories we'll tell," they all already do this. They get together and whenever Finn is brought up they all share their stories about him.
"And I won't regret the lives I didn't lead. I knew you, I loved you. Let that be all that I need," it had taken her a while to get to the point of accepting this but she had. She won't get anything more from Finn, all that she had left was the love he gave her and the love that she still had for him.
"Say that its fate. Say its foretold. I'm through with fighting. And I'm much too young. What the gods have to give, I'll take and I'll live and be bold," she sings, letting all her emotions flow.
"If we're always starting over. Every brand new morning, Then we're always starting out with the end in doubt."
"We can leave life for tomorrow, or grieve all that we thought we do, or make each moment new," she was done with that. She was no longer going to mourn the life she was unable to have with Finn. Yes she had had her entire life planned out with him but he wasn't there anymore. Jesse, however, was and she knew now that he was her future and sooner or later she would begin to plan out her life with him just as she had with Finn.
"All that has happened is happening now. All that might happen is here somehow. All of the choices that made me me. All of the accidents yet to be," this is her crossroad, the moment where her past and future are meeting and she has to make the decision as to where that future would lead.
It's at that moment that she hears the door of the auditorium open, followed by footsteps. She knows it's him. They've both joked about having a "sixth sense" to let them know the other was near and she can't help but pit more emphasis on the rest of the song, knowing that he would understand the message.
"All that's ahead, and all that's behind, it's all in the moment. I'll make up my mind and open my heart. And start, and start," she sings turning her attention slightly to the man sitting in the audience, letting him know that she's finally ready to let him in completely.
"Cause we're always starting over. Every life we're living. Yes, we're always just awake, Every step we take," she sings turning her attention towards the plaque and putting all her emotions in the final lines she may ever sing to Finn.
"And my love, our life is over. But love, I'll make you one last vow; To start over, and over, and over, Somehow," as she prepares to sing the final phrase she turns to look at Jesse in the audience, her eyes locking with his and lets him know what her answer is through the medium they both know best.
"My new life starts right now," she belts out, ending her song.
The floodgates seem to open when silence fills the auditorium. She feels herself crumbling to the floor but within an instant she's in the arms of the man she is falling in love with.
He doesn't say anything. Instead he lets her stain his shirt with tears just as he had the night the reconnected.
"That was beautiful," he whispers once her sobs have ceased.
"I needed to let him go. This song," she explains softly, wiping away her tears, "it said what I needed to say to him, what I needed to tell myself."
He doesn't press for more information, he knows what she's saying.
"If it makes you feel better you definitely weren't lacking any emotional depth in your performance," he says trying to get her to laugh and it works.
"I really can't believe you said that," she says through her laughs and he joins her. "I've made my choice, Jesse," she says turning serious again. "I'm going to New York with you. I might not know what I'm going to do with my life yet but what I do know is this," she takes his hand and looks into his eyes, "I want to be with you and figure it out together with you."
The smile that forms on his face is one of the brightest that she has ever seen on him before he leans down to kiss her.
"We'll figure it out, I promise we will," he vows against her lips.
And she really believes him.