Batman Begins: Abridged. Christian Bale doesn't read it, but if he did, I'm sure he wouldn't have strong feelings which way or the other...
"Happy Birthday Master Wayne. People are waiting for you, now go down there and make your Father proud, or at least less ashamed." Alfred encourages.
"Thanks. Send Rachel home please. But Alfred, I couldn't have done it without you, you're very wise." Bruce replies.
"Who're you? Where am I? I'm cold. I like the colour red?"
At the party...
"Well, better remember what my Father told me." Bruce reminises.
Bruce, you must avenge me, and take your rightful place as king! Bruuuuuce!
"O.K, I'm probably getting mixed up." Bruce thinks.
If you got over your pathetic fear of Bats, I wouldn't be dead!
"Yeah, let's stick with the first one. Don't worry Father. I'll get Scar." Bruce decides.
"Master Wayne, out of all the guests here, I think this one stands out most. He's called Ra's Al Ghul." Party goer number 82 explains.
"What! Your Qui-Gann-Jinn! How the hell does this work?"
"Ever head of a plot twist." Qui-Gann quips.
"Ever heard of shut the hell up!"
"Ah tooshay. Pop culture ninjas, prepare to kill." Qui-Gann retorts.
Outside...
"Oh come on! Why are unconscious women hard to toss into cars?" Alfred mutters.
"Alfred?" Chef 29 asks.
"Oh hi Benny. Help me get her in the car."
"OK. But this is definitely the last time."
Back inside, not much change...
"What are you planning." Bruce demands.
"Oh yes, why don't we just have a nice sit down and I'll tell you all my evil plans." Qui-Gann rants.
"Well yeah, that's fine with me."
"O.K. Gotham is evil, for decades. They've produced horror after horror, I mean at first Batman was alright, but than they fired Tim Burton! And it was all down hill from there, Batman and Robin was the last straw! Using the my Jedi knowledge of the force, I have reversed time, rebooting the franchise, where I'm going to end it once and for all before this franchise one again becomes rubbish! And to top of this expositional bombardment I'll do it by randomly blowing up the drugged water, caused by Cranes poison dumping. And it'll send Gotham on one hell of a trip! God Bless Hollywood, where explosions solves all problems." Qui-Gann explains.
"No! I can save Batman, I'll make good movies, we have Nolan! Ever watched Memento?" Bruce begs.
"No, what's it about?" Qui-Gann asks.
"You know, I watched it, but I really don't know?" Bruce thinks.
Serioiusly though, Mr Nolan, what the hell!?
"Pop culture ninjas, Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi! Kill him!" Qui-Gann orders.
"You're going down more than..." Pop Culture ninja Naruto begins.
"What? Britney Spears hairdressers pay! Jackie Chans dignity! The Lovable Writers rate of updates! I don't care, just try and bloody kill me." Bruce demands with frustration!
"I was going to say more than that burning log above your head." Pop Culture ninja Naruto
The Log uses Body Slam! Critical hit! Bruce Wayne is paralysed!
"At least there was nothing I could do to save myself." Bruce laments.
"You could have stepped out the way." Pop culture ninja Sasuke notes.
"Damn it!"
"Well let's do the honourable thing. Leave him trapped and helpless to slowly burn to death." Qui-Gann decides.
At Arkham asylum...
"We're free to riot! Oh tonight, I'm going to have a good time! I feel ali-i-i-ive!" Dr Crane says.
"And the world turning inside out." Murder/ Burgaler 82 says.
"I'm floating around in ecstasy! Oh no wait, it's Horse Tranquiliser, just as good." Random thug continues.
"So don't stop us now. Cause..." Dr Crane says.
"O.K I'm bored, let's burn stuff!" Jimmy yells.
Back at Bruce Manor...
Bruce! It's me...
"Dad. I tried, I tried so hard..." Bruce yells to his Father.
But the actions of other you thought were allies ruined your plans...
"Yes." Bruce agrees.
Now you know how I feel!
Outside Bruce Manor...
"Got to do what the boss says, make sure no one get's out. Focus entirely on the door." Pop culture ninja Naruto says.
"Eat 4 Iron fiend." Alfred yells, attacking from behind.
"I don't know what hurts more. The golf club to the back of the head, or the irony. Wow, it's the irony." Pop culture ninja Naruto says before dying.
Back in Bruce Manor, am I jumping in too much, you tell me if I jump in too much...
"Master Wayne, get up..." Alfred urges Bruce.
"Why?! So I can have my arse kicked again! There's only so much arse kickings you can take before you realise you're not very good at this." Bruce moans.
"Who cares if it's good or not! Think of all the money we'll make! Think of all the little kids, begging there Mummy to buy them a Batman action figure, rather than there brothers insulin! Think of the brilliant sequels we'll make, think of the bad sequels we'll inevitably have to make." Alfred begs.
"You're right! We need to make are own Spider-man 3, with more angst and more villains!" Bruce realises.
Congratulations Bruce Wayne has evolved into Batman! Congratulations, Batman has learnt splash!