Hello again! This chapter features the Joker and Harley, and as one reader very smartly observed, this series does have a fair dose of influence from Batman: The Animated Series. That is the style/persona of Joker and Harley that exists in this chapter. I'm so glad so many of you are enjoying our strong, independent Batgirl get the action she so very much deserves (and wants!... Don't we all?) I'm excited for what I have planned in the future for this story... I hope you are too. As always, have fun ;)
—
Earlier in the night I said: I guess me, Batman, the Joker and Harley have a double date, har har har. Well, I didn't mean it. Dick is good with the lame quips, I tend to keep mine to a minimum. Because when I do say them, even to myself, stuff like this happens.
We actually are on a double date. Batman and I are sitting side by side in the restaurant at the ritzy Belvedere Hotel, tied tightly to our chairs with the heaviest, thickest rope I've ever had the pleasure to have wrapped around me. Joker and Harley are across our table laughing hysterically at something idiotic while feeding each other with their forks.
"Happy birthday, Harlz! Who can say I'm not a man of my word?" the Joker said with a full-toothed grin. "Dinner, drinks, all the finest jewels in this sorry town —"
"— And a double date with Mister and Missus Bat. Thank you, puddin!" Harley said with a squeal. Her neck was layered in stolen necklaces and jewelry from the patrons of this hotel, money strewn around her in fat bills — there was even a crown on her head, cocked to one side, with one red jester ear pulled through. Who in the world brought a crown here? They kind of deserved to have that stolen.
"I've never ever been on a double date, can you believe that, Red?" Harley said, turning to me. "I've always wanted to, and I'm having so much fun!" I grimaced.
So much fun. This was not what I was expecting when I first arrived on the scene, but with these two, you never know what to expect besides the unexpected. It could be a destroy-the-entire-city-of-Gotham plot, or a harmless prank with a small side of robbery.
By the time I got to the Belvedere, Batman, naturally, was already there. We rendezvoused on the rooftop, and as I grappled in, I could see him crouched by the glass section of the ceiling, a powerful, stoic black creature in the night. Sometimes I can get caught up in his dark knight character — he's not a person, he's a menacing, authoritative embodiment of fear and justice. Humans are frail and weak in comparison to his presence as Batman. But then I remember, he's just a man. Underneath all that kevlar and armor, beneath the mask, it's Bruce Wayne. A tall man with dark hair, brown eyes, a square jaw... He has the same needs, desires, and dare I say fantasies as any other normal man. I mean, I should know.
Not to say he's normal — not under any circumstances. He quite obviously has a dark side… and a stoic demeanor built up from years and years of this work. But that's what makes seeing him crack so… fantastic. And that's something the Joker understands. And me, too… but in a different way.
"What's the situation?" I said as I reattached the grappling gun to my belt and crouched beside him.
"Joker's put the place in lockdown — all the patrons are trapped in their rooms," Batman said in his no-nonsense voice. "As far as I can see they're all unharmed, just have lighter pockets. He's taken nine hostages from the front desk and kitchen staff. Seven henchmen are stationed around the restaurant and ballroom, which is where they're stashing the loot."
"And Harley?" That clown is deadlier than she looks, and I knew never to underestimate her unlike the boys often did.
"Haven't seen her." The wind blew our capes sideways, and Batman's longer cape wrapped itself around me, like a boyfriend's arm around a girl's shoulder on a cold day. I could see him subtly trying to push the cape down and away as he surveyed the scene below us. Hmm. Seems like our awkwardness wasn't totally gone. He didn't even want his cape touching me.
"Let's split up," I said as I watched the Joker pacing around, talking loudly to himself. "I see a back door through the kitchen — I can get the hostages out there. You go for Joker."
"You want me to be the distraction?" He said in a low voice. I turned and looked at him. Thankfully, I could spot the tiniest of smiles on his lips. I couldn't help but smile back.
"If you can handle it." And just like that, our charged energy was back. With one last lingering look and a nod, I took off for the other side of the roof.
Here comes the adrenaline rush, I thought, wind whipping through my hair. God, I love my job.
I rappelled off the side of the tall hotel building silently. Two thugs, their faces painted white with red frowns and blue shapes over their eyes, paced the gourmet kitchen with five hostages tied up at their feet. This was too easy.
"Ready?" I muttered quietly into my communicator.
"Ready," Batman said. An ear-shattering crash split through the air — Batman entering through the roof, wings wide in his descent from the inky sky. I watched through the window as the two thugs started in surprise from the noise and heavily jogged out the door toting their guns. I immediately darted through the door and made for the hostages.
"Don't worry," I said softly to a young woman tied and gagged by the sinks. "I'm going to get all of you out." I pulled out my knife and started to slice the ropes when I saw her eyes grow wide. She started shaking her head aggressively, fear reflected in her gaze — oh no. I twisted to look over my shoulder.
"Hiya lady bats!" WHAM!
Harley whacked me in the back of the head with a wooden baseball bat. I fell hard on my side, my vision tunnelling out.
"Bat, meet bat! Ha!" She cackled. "Oh, we're gonna have fun, don't you worry." I felt her grab my cape and drag me away before I passed out cold.
—
"What an absolute and totally expected surprise!" I opened my eyes to a swirl of green, red, and purple. Oh no. Here we were in the ritzy Belvedere restaurant, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, red velvet seating all around us, but the Joker and Harley Quinn standing dominantly before us as we struggled, bound in our chairs. His goons were lounging around the room, counting money, or eating leftover food from plates left at the tables.
"Batgirl and Batman, here to wish my own Harley girl a happy birthday, isn't that sweet, dear?" The Joker orated to the room.
"The sweetest! Mwah!" Harley kissed Batman on the cheek, leaving a black lipstick mark. Clenching his teeth in disgust, he wiped it away on his shoulder. As Harley decided to do cartwheels and dance around with her two hyenas and her money, Joker sat across from Batman and put his feet up on the thick white tablecloth.
"Sorry I couldn't do the usual banter and chase around, old boy," Joker said with a sigh, as if disappointed. "Had to go straight with the knockout gas. You know women and their neurotic needs." He rolled his eyes as if he wasn't the most neurotic person this world had ever seen. "I've gotta keep her happy — you know, you've got a woman." He jerked his head at me. I could feel my anger building.
"I am not his woman. Or anybody's," I said tersely.
"Tooouchyyy," he said with sass. "Let's put a smile on that face, shall we?" The Joker got up from his seat and leaned down from the waist in front of me. He was smiling widely as I stared straight into the flower attached to his lapel.
Oh no. Joker venom.
"Noo!" Batman yelled.
"PUDDIN'!" Harley screeched, even louder. Joker jumped back in surprise and slight guilt.
"No gassin' my guests! You said this was my night! I want dinner and drinks and romance and good good friends!" She said, hugging Batman and me from behind. She may be kooky, but I might just owe her my life.
"I'm sorry, dear," Joker said with an illustrious bow. "How about a nicer smile?" He pulled out a tube of red lipstick from his purple jacket pocket. I might have preferred the Joker gas.
"Ooo! Yes!" Harley clapped her hands together. Joker grabbed my chin as I struggled against the ropes and his hands. He painted my mouth red and extended the sides into a large upturned smile.
"It's perfect!" He said. "Now we can eat!" He clapped his hands and two of his large clown minions brought out dishes for the four of us.
"Candlelight, you idiots!" The Joker boomed. One of the clowns fumbled with a box of matches and lit the three candles in the middle of the table. During this I subtly adjusted my arms to reach my utility belt so I could start working on these ropes.
"This establishment has a strict no utility belt policy, Ms. Bat," The Joker said absently. He pointed with his fork to a hat rack in the corner of the room that had both of our belts hanging from it. Drat. I had a blade hidden in my boots, but I couldn't reach it.
"So how did you two meet?" Harley said with great interest, as if it was totally normal to have dinner guests tied up with meals before them growing progressively colder.
Batman and I remained silent.
"Come on, spit it out!" Harley said encouragingly. Silence. She gave a furious pout to The Joker, who was scarfing down this pheasant and potatoes. He looked up with wide eyes, his mouth bulging full.
"Bring one in!" He muffled out, spraying food before him. A thug came through the kitchen door dragging a hostage behind him. It was the young woman I tried to save. He dropped her roughly on a chair.
"You two better start talking, or this restaurant's gonna turn into a comedy club," Harley said, her voice as sharp as a razor. The Joker walked over to the girl, and in one swift motion sprayed her face with the Joker venom gas. We watched in horror as the young girl's beautiful face became unnaturally stretched into a wide and long grin. Her skin turned chalky white, and her eyes yellow with red veins popping through. She collapsed to the ground, the life gone behind her eyes. The Joker laughed uproariously.
"Shall we bring in another?" The Joker asked, hopefully.
"No!" Batman said strongly. I looked at him, wide-eyed. "We'll talk."
"Great!" Harley said, her bubbly voice back again. "How long have you two been together now?"
Batman and I looked at each other. Was I supposed to lie? Tell the truth? I looked at that poor girl's demonic smile as she lied on the ground.
"Well, Harley, to be honest, we aren't together," I said after a long consideration. I didn't know how she would react.
"What?!" Harley gasped. "But why not?" I looked at Bruce, pleadingly. He just looked at me out of the corner of his eye, completely silent. He was going to be no help at all.
"Umm, well, he's a bit older than me," I said, not really controlling what was coming out of my mouth. Any answer was a bad answer at this point. "And uh," I couldn't help but steal a quick glance at Bruce. "He's the boss… you know?"
"Oh well, that don't matter, honey," Harley said with a wave of her gloved hand. "Trust me, it's always better with the boss." She gave me a side wink, like we were the best of girl friends. I sat there staring at her. She observed my blank expression.
"Sex. I'm talkin' about sex, Red." She stole a look at the Joker who was looking bored now and not really paying attention. "With all the guys I been with, he is the best, you know? It's the confidence, the real commanding types, ya know? And they actually know what their doing! They're men, ya know?" I couldn't help but look over at The Joker's boxy frame and large head. I really couldn't see the attraction.
"Sure," I said nodding.
"So, what's the story Bats?" Harley said, turning to him and taking a sip of red wine. "Why haven't you made a move on my friend here?" She said gesturing to me. Now it was his turn in the hot seat. Batman's eyes narrowed.
"There isn't time for romance in our line of work," he said stoically.
"There's always time for some kind of romance, right Mistah J?" She said, elbowing the Joker.
"Huh?" He sputtered. "Yes, yes, of course, my dear," he said before dozing off in his own daydream again.
"Come on, you don't find her attractive?" Harley insisted. Despite everything in this crazy situation, I felt myself blushing. "She's gorgeous! I can tell, come on, Bats."
He looked at me pleadingly now, but I just sat there trying to hide my smirk.
"Yes," he said finally in his low, rumbling voice. "She is attractive."
"Ha ha! I knew it! I'm practically cupid over here!" She cheered, standing up and firmly securing the crown on her head.
"Now, you know it's my birthday, and I knew you guys would be here, so I brought a party favor!" She ran to the back of the room. Batman and I sat in silence. I looked over at The Joker who was actually asleep in his chair. Man, Harley really deserves better. And she's a killer, so that's saying something. I made eye contact with Batman and he gave me a slight nod. He was working on his ropes. It was only a matter of time now.
Harley came bounding back into the room with a vial in her hand.
"This was a birthday gift from my other Red," she said to me with a wink. "Ivy cooked this up for me to use on Mister J when he wasn't really feeling in the mood, if you know what I'm sayin'. But since you guys were so nice to drop by, I thought I could give it to you! That way we can set in motion what we knew was already gonna happen between you two love bats." I looked at Batman in complete terror. Unfortunately for us, he was looking at Harley in complete terror, which meant he needed more time to free himself.
Oh Jesus Christ, what was about to happen?
"A thank you would be nice," she said irritated, hands on her hips.
"... Thank you," I said shakily. I could not imagine what I was going to do to Batman in front of Harley and The Joker, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to be G-rated. Especially since Poison Ivy's sexual appetite wasn't exactly a secret.
"Joker, WAKE UP!" Harley screeched. The Joker awoke with a start and flung a fork full of mashed potatoes into the air. "It's time for party favors," she said twisting the vial meaningfully.
"Oh goody," he said, rubbing his hands together diabolically. "You're gonna love this Batsy, it'll help you lose all those pesky inhibitions," he said to Batman with a grin.
"Now," Harley started, popping the vial open. "Ivy explained this to me hundreds of times, so I know exactly what to do. Each of you gotta drink exactly half, then make sure the first person you see is your puddin', okay? Otherwise you could be makin' love to a dog or something, and that's just gross."
"Uh, Harley—" I interjected, panicked. "Maybe Batman and I could take this in our own room, you know? For some privacy?"
"Sorry lady bats," Harley said, grabbing my chin. "Mistah J and I are pretty voyistic."
"—Voyeuristic, Harlz," The Joker interjected. "That means we like to watch." He whispered to Batman, as if it were a secret.
My eyes went wide as Harley poured half the bottle into my forced-open mouth. It tasted like licorice, cinnamon, and grass. My vision went hazy for a second, like it couldn't quite focus on anything. I heard a grunt from Batman's direction as Harley tried to open his mouth.
"Open up now!" she said in a forced sing-songy voice. I heard Batman choke the liquid back as I shut my eyes tight.
Maybe if I don't look at anyone for a while the effects will wear off, I thought to myself desperately. I felt two gloved hands grab each side of my face and turn it to my right.
"It's this or my Joker's flower, Batman!" I heard Harley yell out in a strained voice as she tried to turn Batman's head towards me. I could only imagine how furiously he was working on his ropes right now.
Suddenly, a wonderful feeling washed over me. It was like I had the most magnificent buzz after a few drinks. I felt good and loose and happy. I felt exhilarated. Like I was standing on a mountain peak with the world in front of me, and I was on top of it all. I owned it all. Then that feeling travelled from my head to my center, warming and cooling my body at the same time. And then it trickled down between my legs — and my eyes shot open.
Oh, I am hungry, I thought to myself, a one-sided smile forming on my lips. For him.
I looked straight at Batman's face, guided by Joker's hands on either side of my head. Batman's eyes were still clenched tight, but I waited patiently for him to reach the mountain and meet me at the top.
Suddenly, his eyes flew open. And then he smiled. There was never a more disconcerting image then Batman smiling genuinely through his cowl, but that was to be only the beginning of the night's anomalies. In my peripherals I could see Harley and Joker looking at each other excitedly, like they were unleashing their pet dogs to meet each other for the first time. I felt freedom around my chest as Joker released the heavy ropes off of me.
I immediately climbed onto Batman's lap, who was still tied to his chair. The whites of his mask's eyes looked up at me kindly, his perfect white teeth flashed before me. I bit my lip.
"Welcome back, Batgirl," he said, his voice devoid of his usual Batman gravel.
"Back?!" Harley gasped loudly, then giggled. But all the outside noise was under a thick haze, almost muffled. My vision focused on Bruce and Bruce alone. All I could focus on was his beautiful, beautiful face. His perfect jaw that I just wanted to lick. The curve of his mouth, his smile. The deep brown eyes that I knew were under that mask, looking at me and only me. I mounted his bound body further, positioning the apex of my legs directly on top of his growing bulge. I secured myself by putting my knees on either side of his hips and pressing myself into his torso. He was wider and more solid than Jason and Dick; I actually felt dainty and petite in comparison. He was a rock, a solid piece of man beneath by legs, and I couldn't help but grind myself against him. I heard a faint crunching sound as he struggled against his binds.
He clucked his chin at me and smiled coyly. It was like party bachelor Bruce Wayne was in the building, and I was the lucky model he chose that night. But I was better than that. I mean, I owned the whole world. I pushed my mouth against his roughly, my tongue snaking its way in between his lips. In the distant corner of my mind I remembered that not too long ago my tongue was wrapping itself around Jason's dick, but that thought was soon clouded by a licorice/grass fog.
Bruce opened his mouth immediately and warmly reciprocated my kiss, his mouth warm against mine. I was reliving a past memory, but this time there wasn't any self-restraint — from me or from Bruce. No second guessing, no politeness about it. And definitely no hiding. His lips were soft, but his movements were firm and urgent. There wasn't any sharing or back and forth about it between us, he was leading. He was in charge. His lips worked against mine, his tongue invading my mouth, and all I could hear were the sharp and clear sounds of our short breaths… moans… the smacking of lips and wet sounds of our tongues playing and intertwining. The noises alone made me wet, and pretty soon I had to pull away, gasping for air.
I looked down and saw his entire mouth had red smudges and smears from the lipstick Joker put on me. I had totally forgotten it was there. However, as I looked at his red crooked smile there was something… sexy about it. A primal feeling within me was satisfied — not only was it messy and physical proof of us coming together, but he was also marked. He was taken. By me. And he liked it.
At that moment, Batman finally broke free of his ropes. He flung them aside and in the farthest corner of my consciousness I heard Harley scream and giggle with glee, clapping wildly. Bruce immediately grabbed me and lifted me up, only to push all the table's contents to the floor in a giant crash and slam me down on it. He brought his torso down upon mine and immediately slid his hand behind my neck, to kiss me fiercely. I wrapped my legs around his waist, wanting him even closer. The weight of his chest on top of mine was intoxicating.
Faint sounds of cheering echoed behind us. Bruce nuzzled my neck and brought a hand up to cup my breast, pushing his pelvis against my groin, and an urgency went rushing through my body.
Too many clothes, I thought single-mindedly, how can I get rid of these clothes? I suddenly realized I had no idea how the batsuit worked, and I certainly had no idea how to get it off of Bruce. But he knew how mine worked.
In one swift motion my suit opened up before him, revealing my bare breasts to him, and by extension, the Joker, Harley, and his ogling minions. I hadn't bothered to put on a bra in my quick change, and I could just feel their presence hovering over us, watching intensely. Bruce immediately put his face into my round breasts, rubbing his face against them in near-worship. He shoved me farther down the table so he could climb on top of me as glasses fell and shattered on the floor. I moaned a low, animalistic noise as he pushed my body around; it was completely in his control.
He hungrily licked and sucked one breast, his quick, restrained breathing bouncing off my skin. Feelings of ecstasy followed his hands as they travelled up and down my body, touching the curves of my exposed waist, my neck, my collarbone… as one hand made its way up my neck and around to my face, I grabbed his wrist and tore off his glove. His thick, callused fingers reached for my mouth and I pressed them in enthusiastically. My tongue encircled them and sucked them lazily. I looked down, and I could see the white of his mask's eyes watching me intensely.
It was the strangest feeling, even in my stupor of euphoric passion, to see his gaze centered on me and me alone. Not because I was updating him on a mission, or because he was instructing me during a training session, but because I was sucking his fingers off as his head hovered just above my exposed red lipstick-smudged bosom. I started mimicking how I would blow him — when I got down there — and then he added another finger.
A soft choking sound escaped my mouth, and I saw his lips part in arousal as he continued to watch. As his wet fingers moved down my chin I reached for his cowl, desperate to look into his eyes and tangle my fingers in his hair.
"She's doin' it!" One of Joker's thugs yelled out excitedly. Something deep, deep in my subconscious slowed down my fingers on either side of his mask. Bruce watched me with equally tortured eyes, as if he wanted me to take it off, but his real self knew not to allow it.
"—THIS IS THE POLICE." My father's voice boomed through the walls of the hotel, jarring me out of my trance. I withdrew my hands like I had touched a hot stove.
"Grrrrr," Joker growled. "Who was watching the perimeter?" All seven of his thugs were in the room standing over Batman and I. They all looked at each other and shrugged, meaning no one was guarding anything, including the hostages.
"WE HAVE THE PLACE SURROUNDED. THE HOSTAGES ARE ALL SAFE. JOKER AND HARLEY — YOU AND YOUR MEN COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP," Commissioner Gordon, my dad, said through the police van's speaker system.
"Aww, hell!" Harley said as she starting gathering up her money and jewels in a large sack. "Just when it was getting good!"
My father's voice had jerked me back into reality. My vision returned to normal and my senses and motor skills were now completely back in my control. But the aroused feeling in my chest and between my legs remained. I felt like an animal, needing to rub myself on something hard. I had an overwhelming feeling to touch myself and rub my clitoris to completion, but I found the willpower to only zip my top back up. Batman slowly climbed off of me, looking completely dazed. He rubbed his head and blinked.
Around us was pandemonium. Joker was running around, grabbing as much money and jewels as he could find, barking orders at his men. Harley was trying to pull her pet hyenas towards the back door, but they were too focused on the food Batman had shoved onto the floor.
Batman finally regained his normal composure and leapt to his feet. With the swipe of his arm, two batarangs flew and knocked the guns out of two pairs of clown hands. As he descended upon them, I leapt off the table and took out two more. Batman and I landed at the same time and glanced at each other.
"Get Harley," he growled. I pulled out my rope and tossed it directly at her as she neared the back door.
"Aargh!" she yelled as the rope snaked around her, weighed down by the metal balls. She collapsed to the ground, chin first. Her hyenas ran off into the night.
"You can't deny, we gave you a night to remember, eh, Bats?" Joker reasoned as Batman backed him into a corner. "Just remember, this was all Harley's idea!"
"HEY!" Harley yelled from the floor. And with a swing, Batman gave him a good clock to the face.
—
"Batman. Batgirl. I don't know what you did in there, but we were able to get all the hostages out safe thanks to your distraction," Commissioner Gordon said. We were in front of the Belvedere Hotel, and the flashing of police lights illuminated the night sky. Hostages and patrons of the hotel were gathered around the sidewalk being tended to and breathing in the fresh air.
"We did have one casualty," Batman muttered, gravely.
"But it could have been so many more," Gordon said, looking at his friend. He glanced curiously at the red smudges all over his mouth, then looked over at mine. I felt my eyes go wide.
Whoops, I thought as I turned away, rubbing my mouth on my cape.
"This was still the best birthday evah!" Harley yelled as she was dragged out to the police van in front handcuffs. She passed right next to us — and suddenly leaped towards me, her handcuffed hands wrapping behind my head. She planted a big, wet kiss right on my lips.
"MMMph!" I moaned in protest as she shoved her tongue in my mouth rapidly and licked all around my mouth like an excited puppy. She forced my mouth onto hers as I tried to pull away, desperately.
"Mmmwah!" Harley ended the kiss as the guards pulled her off of me. "Sorry, lady bats, I am still so hot and bothered!" The guards now dragged her to the van, her feet trailing behind her. I stood there, shocked, mouth smeared in black lipstick now.
"Lemme know if you want more of that stuff! Girls gotta stick together! Me and my Reds! Ha ha!" And with that they closed the van door on her.
I looked behind me and saw Commissioner Gordon, Batman, the Joker, and the policemen holding him all staring at me, mouths agape. I've had enough at this point. Without another word, I pulled out my grappling gun and pointed it up and away from there. To escape, but also I desperately, desperately needed to masturbate.
As I flew through the air towards a high rooftop, I was surprised to hear the second pop of a grappling gun behind me. Why was Batman following me? He usually went straight to the Batmobile after talking with my dad.
I travelled a few rooftops down from where I initially landed, desperate to get as far away from the hotel and Batman as possible before I burst from unfulfilled pleasure.
"Batgirl," Batman's voice travelled through the communicator in my ear. I was beginning to feel a little irritated now. Was me running away from him not enough of a hint?
"Stop," he said flatly.
"Batman," I said, still running and leaping from roof to roof. "I have to get going. We can debrief at the cave tomorrow."
"Stop," he said again, more commanding this time. I slowed down to a halt. I almost had to cross my legs just to remain standing. Ivy's juice wasn't going to let up until I finished this thing off.
Batman landed behind with a soft whoosh of his cape. I reluctantly turned around, afraid a wild moan was going to come out of me. But as I looked at his face, I could tell he wasn't normal either. His lips were parted, his eyes were soft, and further south I could see the unmistakable bulge of his erection, previously hidden by his cape. I looked into his eyes with surprise.
It seemed like he was fighting his deepest instincts as he walked towards me slowly, losing a battle within himself. A few moments later, he was standing right before me, incredibly close. I held my breath. I felt dwarfed by his massive shape, but as my attention went solely to him and nothing else, he felt like a challenge I was ready to conquer.
"Barbara," he began. "I… Are you… Should… we?" He trailed off, indistinctly, still fighting himself.
I never imagined he would actually want to finish this off with me. Now, when the effects of Ivy's "party favor" had released its grip on our minds, but not our bodies. But at this moment, Batman was at odds with Bruce Wayne, and he wanted me to decide for him.
And who am I to say no?
I stood on my tiptoes to get closer to his eyeline. I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"Bruce," I said softly. "Never ask."
—
If you are mourning the exclusion of what is to come next for Batman and Batgirl, don't worry. Barbara will be remembering it fondly at the Batfamily's weekly dinner in the next chapter :)