Why had he let her go? That question haunted her during her waking hours, while he haunted her dreams. He was there in her nightmares, but she also had erotic dreams about him that she never should have had about someone she hated so much. He was a monster who had murdered his own father.
Remembering Han Solo always brought sadness and melancholy over what could have been. He had been so kind to her while pretending not to care, and he had even offered her a job on his ship. She bitterly remembered Kylo Ren saying that Han Solo would have disappointed her, but it was he who had disappointed her so horribly. After the connection that she had felt with him and his unexpected decision to release her without obtaining the information he sought, she thought that he had realized that he was on the wrong side.
What a fool she had been! She had seen him for what he was when it was too late. He had cold-bloodedly murdered the man who was becoming like the father she had always wished for. Kylo Ren had killed him before her eyes, knowing full well what Han Solo meant to her. The fact that he had been his own father made the act even more evil.
He was heartless and cruel toward everyone but her, and that had become the guilty secret that troubled her greatly. Finn suspected that she was withholding something about her capture, but he thought it was about some terrible mistreatment. Poe had talked to her quietly about it when Finn was out of earshot, and that was when she had discovered that Kylo Ren had tortured him for information.
It made her secret even more shameful to her. He had been tortured, while she had been fed a feast and kissed by her captor. God, she was flooded with shame whenever she remembered those kisses. She tried not to think about how it had felt to kiss him. The worst part was how passionately she had kissed him back. Out of all the perverts she had encountered and fought off, she had been seduced by the worst, most vile one of all.
If only it had ended there in that room where she had experienced her first kiss with an evil murderer, she could have somehow gotten past it. But her erotic dreams about him went far beyond a few kisses. Those dreams incorporated her memory of how his eyes had burned with intensity when he saw her standing before him in only a towel. He had been some distance from her in the other room, but she had felt the heat from his gaze inflame her body with embarrassment. Her awareness of him had seemed to increase when she turned her back to him, and she could still feel his eyes on her.
She had never felt so humiliated and exposed in her life as when he had forced her to drop that towel, but her dreams had twisted that moment into something arousing. How she wished that these dreams were about Finn. She would be able to savor them upon waking, and perhaps even make them a reality.
Why was she dreaming about Kylo Ren touching her naked body? She couldn't possibly want him. It had to be something to do with that strange connection she felt to him. She hadn't been able to bring herself to tell Luke about it, so she still didn't know what it was. The only thing she knew was that she had to sever it, and she could only think of one sure way to do that.
She needed to kill Kylo Ren.