Until your breathing stop- Until your breathing stops- Until your- Forever...
. . .
Ever since that clumsy confession and almost-kiss under the tree in the open street, he and Renji are together a lot. Ichigo hung around his office when he was working, and they sparred and caroused with the others when he's not. Some people were still using the war's end as an excuse to drink now that all the memorial services are over – namely Squad Eleven.
Renji hasn't had a lot of free time lately. For one, Byakuya's an absolute slave driver on a good day and Renji, ever the diligent employee, eats it right up, and for two, now that things are settling down, Kyoraku-jii has pushed some major reforms. Not to mention all the repair work to the infrastructure and the recruits being trained to replace those lost. All the lieutenants are hauling ass around here.
Doesn't stop Ichigo from lounging around his office and practicing releasing his reiatsu in more controlled amounts. Still stupid and entirely too hard. It was funny to make Renji's ponytail stand up though.
He couldn't get away with that shit at Rukia's office. She made him work - which, y'know, was also nice too. Sometimes he gave Renji a break to de-frizz and visited her instead, but mainly he's been sticking to Renji like glue.
Renji sure hadn't been on board with the idea of him coming to the office with him at first, since he was sure that the amazing and completely perfect 'Kuchiki-Taichou' would see Ichigo being there as disruptive, but after he hadn't been able to physically make Ichigo leave, he'd come around. And hey, it all worked out. Ichigo got to study the academy's books at his own speed and Renji got to do all his lieutenant-stuff, and either of them was free to occasionally look up and start blabbing about something stupid that had happened that day, or tell a joke, or say something to tick the other off. All that said, they didn't distract each other from their work half as much as Ichigo had expected. He was actually pretty proud of how well they were cohabiting. On top of being with him for most of the day, he'd been staying the nights at Renji's house too, and it seemed like the more time they spent together, the more they mellowed out and the less their bickering turned into fighting.
So yeah – they've been trying dating for about a week and a half now. Ichigo has no point of reference of how things are supposed to be, but he's feeling great.
Other than this insecure inexperienced voice in his ear telling him not to fuck it up, Ichigo's been really up. He could see Rukia and Renji and his family whenever he wanted, he has a new boyfriend, Zangetsu was loving all the sun – things were looking good for him. The war's over, everyone he loves is safe, and it's time for a new life to start.
He was especially excited about the new boyfriend part. Honestly, he'd expected more to change between them, but so far, not much was different. For all the anger and embarrassment Renji had expressed in confessing that… yeah… and for all Ichigo's shyness and surprise, their day to day interactions were more or less the same now that it was all out there.
They still annoyed each other quite a bit, but it had grown more affectionate, more teasing – Ichigo figured that was just the result of their friendship having developed through fighting Yhwach together and all the training they'd done together before going to the Royal Palace, not to mention all the other hardships they'd faced before. The squabbling that had gone on all throughout those times had not stopped.
Renji too – Ichigo hadn't quite known what to expect from him after such a surprising and unanticipated admission, but he's still been the same old confusing blend of goofy dork and shitty hard-ass. He still did all the normal things like tease Ichigo and try to make him feel dumb, but sometimes now he'd get this thoughtful and almost tender expression on his face. Sometimes when Renji went to shove him or ruffle his hair, he'd be a little gentle for a second.
And of course, when they were alone at night and Renji was sitting up late, doing reports, and Ichigo was lying awake with him – when Ichigo was brave enough, they would touch, just a little. Ichigo would approach as one would a partially domesticated animal, afraid to spook Renji off. Sometimes he still couldn't believe this was happening, and every time he initiated, there was a moment of doubt, of panic that Renji hadn't really meant it or that Ichigo had misinterpreted somehow, and that Renji would reject the advance. But of course, Renji never did, and then Ichigo would be free to let their fingers lay together, or to rest his head against Renji's folded leg. The still of the night would only be interrupted by the strokes of Renji's ink brush and Ichigo's soft breaths, maybe the occasional scratch of Renji's thumb through Ichigo's hair.
At those times, Ichigo felt both so happy that he might burst, and more contented, more peaceful than he'd ever imagined he could feel.
Every time he was frozen with a sudden electric shock of terror that he'd made it too clear that he didn't know what he was doing, that he was an inexperienced kid– every time he worried in some stupid ridiculous moment of paranoia that Renji wouldn't like him anymore, then Renji would smile at him, or chuck him on the chin, or ruffle his hair, and that peace just took all of those worries away. He'd be left without a care or trouble in the world, from something as small as that.
Ichigo didn't make it a point of being constantly aware of his expression, but these days he wouldn't be surprised if he seemed constantly dazed, maybe even smiling. It was surprising that the entire world didn't know that Kurosaki Ichigo had it bad.
Well true, a couple other people did know about their relationship – and Ichigo even hesitated to call it that yet. It still felt so new and fragile that he didn't want to bring it to light for fear that it might disintegrate and die like one of those exotically beautiful deep-sea creatures brought up to the surface. This was just theirs for now, to be felt out and explored slowly and on their own time. Even Renji seemed hesitant to make a wrong step from the way he hadn't outright said the words.
But Ichigo knew. They both knew.
Nevertheless, some others had caught on, because although he tried to play it cool, Renji had inevitably grown excited and let an insinuation slip, which was all certain people needed – namely, Renji's 'parents', Squad Eleven's resident not-so-ambiguously gay duo, who had nurtured Renji and known him for long enough that they knew what it meant when he said he and Ichigo were 'getting to know each other better.' Ichigo hadn't talked to them for the last little while, but Renji had said they knew about 'them,' so, there's that.
Ichigo was pretty sure he'd tell his family next time he went home, and although they were important, the most important person of all still hadn't been informed, and really, she should've found out first.
Rukia didn't know yet – at least Ichigo thought she didn't. They haven't had a chance to say anything because she's been running around like a headless chicken trying to keep her squad together, and Renji hadn't wanted to add undue stress or just mention it offhand – he hadn't said so, but Ichigo knew it was important to him that Rukia be told in a meaningful way. At first, Ichigo had suggested sending a Hell Butterfly but they'd both agreed that would just mean a whack to the head later. She'd probably end up guessing on her own; Ichigo has a bad poker face.
Ichigo was pretty sure Byakuya had his suspicions too, but who knew with that guy anyways. There was just something in the way he suggested that Ichigo stop distracting his lieutenant from his work that made Ichigo think he knew something was going on.
Whatever. The only thing Ichigo was really focused on now was avoiding Kenpachi as much as possible. He felt bad, you know, because the guy was lonely without Yachiru, but he didn't feel that bad.
He and Renji were near the Eleventh's barracks, which had been the site of a nightly block party for the last month now, including tonight. If Ichigo had hoped to avoid Squad Eleven and their voracious attempts to recruit him, having a boyfriend who considered them his family certainly didn't help matters. Apparently they'd finally stopped being mad at Renji for transferring squads, and to get reacquainted, Renji had gone over there on a few of their crazier nights. One thing Ichigo can say is that those guys know how to have a good time, that's for sure.
He'd seen Rangiku and Hisagi around, along with most of Squad Eleven, Kenpachi included. There were fights and drinking contests going on and Ichigo was glad he'd deflected most of the undue attention he was always given when he was around these guys. Earlier, Renji had saved him from getting dragged into an arm-wrestle against Kenpachi, which inevitably would've turned into a full-body wrestle. Currently, he and Renji were lounging around in the courtyard near the Captain's quarters, several others drinking nearby, two being Ikkaku and Yumichika.
Renji cradled his recovering arm in his lap, freshly healed courtesy of Yumichika, and drank from a wide saucer. Ichigo had his set in the grass nearby. He wasn't a drinker, really – c'mon, he's underage – and he didn't want to know what kind of trouble he'd get into around these guys if he got smashed. Plus, although they said it was 'the good stuff', to Ichigo, it tasted like gasoline.
Renji however seemed to have no problem drinking it, as he and Ikkaku had been passing bottles back and forth for about twenty minutes now. Renji at least bothered to pour it into his glass, while Ikkaku just guzzled it from the bottle. Renji was starting to get a little rosy around the cheeks and nose by now, and Ichigo bit back a smirk every time Renji laughed. He sounded like a little kid and scrunched his eyes and nose up like one.
Renji finished telling the story of their heroism for the fifty-billionth time, which then ended with Ikkaku calling bullshit and telling him not to get a big head, despite the fact that he was the one who'd made him recount the whole thing in the first place. Ichigo hid a smirk when Renji scowled and suggested that Ikkaku drink some more, since most people know that in the early stages Ikkaku is an angry assholish drunk, but eventually after enough shots, he'll get lazier and settle down. He'd drunk so much already that one more drink or so should put him over.
Not one to deny alcohol, Ikkaku took the jug back and slammed it, causing Ichigo to snort quietly and grin at Renji, who tried not to smile back and put a finger to his mouth.
Seeming to pick up on and approve of the exchange, Yumichika primly cleared his throat and rubbed a drop of alcohol off the rim of his glass before sucking it off. "My, you two get along so well these days," he mentioned with a suggestive raise to his eyebrow, which just caused Renji to smile more and attempt to simultaneously conceal it and forcibly rub it off with the back of his hand.
"Yeah, so?" Ichigo shot back rather defensively, suddenly aware of how he was lounging with his legs stretched out, one of his feet resting against Renji's bent knee. He was getting so used to doing stuff like that already.
Ichigo immediately regretted his revealing outburst, as Yumichika raised his eyebrows and smiled in a rather worrying fashion. Shit.
"No need to shout. I just noticed how cozy you look together tonight."
Ikkaku finished emptying his bottle and tossed it away with a smack of his lips and a grunt. He settled back against the engawa behind him, his arms up on the wooden planks, and there we go, no more annoyingly touchy Ikkaku who screeches every time he loses Jankenpo. More like a lazy sleepy bear… who occasionally gets embarrassingly blunt.
Like now, for instance. As if Yumichika's teasing wasn't enough.
"Yeah, Abarai, pretty cute," Ikkaku grunted, raising a sharp eyebrow as he smirked widely, "Dint' anyone ever tell ya' not ta' corrupt the young?"
Ichigo growled and half-sat up, which just made Ikkaku chuckle a bit and search around for more beer. Surprisingly, Renji laughed too, causing Ichigo to calm and look to him. He eased back slowly. He hated being teased, but if Renji didn't deem the offhand joke worthy of taking sincerely, then maybe he could let it go... in a few minutes.
After some time spent crossing his arms and glaring around at them grumpily, Ikkaku in particular, Ichigo settled down and watched the antics of the Zaraki Corps play out around him. He vaguely listened on as Yumichika and Renji talked about lieutenancy and Ikkaku and Yumichika's new seat adjustments due to Yachiru's physical absence. Yumichika kept noting things to Ikkaku that Renji deemed important about being a lieutenant, but Ikkaku just shrugged or grunted in response.
Ichigo raised an eyebrow and snorted quietly to himself, watching as once again, Ikkaku pretty much ignored Yumichika's suggestion that he pay attention to Renji's advice in favor of draining a bottle and making a long-distance shot with it, aiming for the back of some guy's head – probably in the hopes to instigate some kind of fight over there. Ichigo figured either Ikkaku didn't think much of being lieutenant – he knew that the guy hadn't really ever cared to move up in the ranks – or he was just making a point of not taking the advice of his junior.
Or you know, it could be that Ikkaku was just kind of an asshole sometimes.
Yumichika then mentioned that he was surprised Ichigo hadn't been given a high ranking position in a needy squad, which was a bit banal, because at this point Ichigo felt like he'd heard almost identical musings thousands of times from who knows how many people. It wasn't that Ichigo wasn't a hard worker or up to the task, but he was kind of like Ikkaku in that he didn't like rules. Sure, he'd been a good student and he respected the law, but some of the things he's most proud that he's done came about because he'd refused to follow Seireitei's laws, such as coming to rescue Rukia and then going against Yamamoto's orders and retrieving Orihime from Las Noches. Nah, a day job here isn't for him. He believed in the ideal justice that Soul Society stood for, the kind Byakuya tried to uphold, but that shit had exceptions, and Ichigo didn't want to have to answer to anyone if the day came when he had to fight for what was right again.
That doesn't all mean that he doesn't love this place, that he doesn't believe in what the Seireitei stands for. He's just not a soldier. He's not a lackey. He'd rather remain a proxy Soul-Reaper if it meant he could fight to protect.
Ichigo was pretty sure he'd made his decision. He wanted more than anything for this place to be safe. He didn't want to shut the door on this chapter of his life. Even if he has to be called 'Shinigami-Daikou' for the rest of his days here, forever separate, not belonging to any squad, this place still felt like his life's work. Even with Yhwach gone, Aizen under control, and peacetime having resumed, all the people he'd met and fought next to… he didn't want to see them go.
He could start something new here. They don't need his massive amounts of power anymore, but he can learn other things. He could learn, start again; he could stay here.
Besides, there's...
Ichigo was drawn back into the conversation going on around him when Renji laughed a bit at something Yumichika said and leaned back on his arms, his hand ending up near Ichigo's in the grass. Ichigo glanced down at it, his own fingers twitching involuntarily at the sudden proximity, close but not quite touching, and seeing the movement, Renji looked over at him.
Ichigo let his eyes drag away from their fingertips, which seemed like two peninsulas moving at a monumentally slow pace towards each other due to the immense force and pressure of the earth, an unstoppable force of nature. How long would it take until they finally touched? What was it going to take to just up and bridge the gap already? Analogy aside, they were just hands. He could theoretically reach out and touch at a moment's notice if he wanted to, but it seemed just as impossible a task as forcing together two continents prematurely. He was frozen in place, as if not by his own will. Instead, cursing his own shyness, he let his fingers withdraw and curl into a fist. Finally, his eyes met Renji's, slowly; almost with dread.
He knew Renji could read right on his face what he'd been thinking, and before Ichigo could get embarrassed, Renji let an uncontrollable smile spread across his face. Ichigo found himself unable to help but copy it, so they just sat there smiling at each other like idiots.
Feeling a poke to his tensed knuckles, Ichigo's smile froze in place a little and he darted his eyes down for what couldn't be longer than a second to see Renji's spread fingers, his pinky brushing deliberately against Ichigo's fist, wiggling as if to tickle him. Ichigo turned his head forward sharply and bit his lips to try and control this stupid grin as Renji poked him again, his hand worming further towards him like a less stealthy version of a grass snake. Ichigo blinked a bunch and looked down at his lap resolutely, slapping blindly for Renji's pinching fingers and then grabbing them in a grip meant to bruise, intent on hurling them away. Renji merely squeezed him back, holding him fast, and Ichigo turned beet red. He couldn't believe he'd fallen for that, and took a breath to yell, but then merely let it back out when he thought better of it.
Renji, that fucker, unable to take it anymore, spat out a bunch of air and burst into laughter and coughs.
"You asshole!" Ichigo howled. "You think you're funny?! I'll give you somethin'a' laugh about!" Renji just sputtered for air and held his stomach, leaning away as Ichigo hit him on the shoulder repeatedly.
Ichigo placed his hand back in his lap angrily, ready to have to defend against some sort of teasing from the others, but Yumichika merely hid his laughter behind his hand, while Ikkaku raised an eyebrow, seeming either unamused or amused to the point of incredulity. He gave Renji a long appraising look, and then turned his beady hawkish eyes on Ichigo.
"Ain't that shit kinda' creepy, gaki?"
Ichigo tried to retort, but Renji interrupted with his stupid buffoonish laughter, still recovering from his fit of mirth at Ichigo's expense, damn him. Ichigo fought against the raging blush threatening to crowd his cheeks, and opened his mouth to tell Yumichika to shut up laughing. However, before Ichigo could do so, Ikkaku held out a hand flat in front of Yumichika's chest, signaling him to be quiet.
Renji's laughter abruptly cut short and even through the rowdy shouts of those celebrating around them, Ichigo could still clearly hear the draw of Renji's nails over the ground as his hand balled into a fist in the grass. It was then that Ichigo realized that Ikkaku's comment had been meant for Renji, not him.
"What is, Ikkaku-san?" Renji asked, his voice startlingly hesitant. Ichigo flicked his eyes towards him, the hairs prickling on his arms. Yumichika seemed to be bristling too. Ikkaku was still laying there all lazy looking, but he was clearly posing a threat, as Renji was sitting like a statue, like the very air around him was forcing him still. What the hell, were they going to fight?
"You playin' with a young guy like that," Ikkaku said nonchalantly, whipping a finger between the two of them. "You know," he made the 'fighting' gesture, batting his two pointer fingers back and forth on each other like he was sharpening knives, clearly insinuating that-
"Oh Ikkaku, being vulgar is so unattractive," Yumichika scolded, attempting to diffuse the static in the air.
"Hah!" Ikkaku laughed out loud, leaning back with a quieter snort, taking another unsteady guzzle of alcohol. Renji remained still, brow furrowed, and he didn't move until the strained nature of the atmosphere around them seemed to ease. After a moment, he gave an uncertain laugh of his own and settled back, but Ichigo could see he was as tense as a bowstring. He knew Renji hated being made a fool of, but that he wasn't as likely to challenge Ikkaku as he was Ichigo or Rukia when they made fun of him.
"Yeah, well," Renji mumbled abortively, arms crossed tightly. "Shit happens. Didn't plan it to go that way. Just did." His muscles coiled and eased only minutely with each breath, and Ichigo watched on as Ikkaku grilled Renji further. Not so funny when he got a taste of his own medicine, huh?
Well, Renji was never really mean about it when he teased Ichigo. There was something weird about the way Ikkaku was jerking Renji around that made it… well, not as funny. Even Yumichika, who usually always laughed at Ikkaku's dumbest jokes, was observing uneasily.
"Mm." Ikkaku raised an eyebrow again, smirking in what Ichigo felt was an entirely unfriendly way. "I know you're the lovelorn puppy type." He took another draught, wiping his mouth roughly. "Really though, Abarai, god damn."
Renji shifted, seeming sort of embarrassed. Ichigo thought he should try saying something even though he didn't know quite what was going on, but then he saw Yumichika sigh discreetly and put a hand over his feathered eyes, just in time for Renji's uneasy refutation.
"I ain't done nothin' wrong."
"Ain't sayin' you did. Just never expected that outta' you, goin' after a kid," Ikkaku teased. It was clear now that he was indeed joking, but it was obviously meant in a sort of mean-spirited way.
Ichigo furrowed his brow, angry, because what kind of ridiculous shit was that? He's not a kid! What, does Ikkaku think that's funny or something? Looking to Renji in offense, expecting to see the same annoyed response to Ikkaku's bullshit, Ichigo was surprised to see that Renji had gone really quiet, speechless, expression struck with a sort of guilty surprise that he hadn't seen the likes of before.
"Don't fuck around, Ikkaku," Renji finally rasped, eyes wide.
"Ikkaku, really, what an ugly thing to say," Yumichika muttered skeptically, eyes narrowed. Ikkaku backpedaled a bit then at the accusing look of his partner.
"Hey, that's what it is, ain't it? He's hot for Shotaro." Ikkaku gestured towards Ichigo blatantly, nodding his bald head at him. He cackled loudly when Ichigo bristled. Oh fuck this guy, he's just fucking around, isn't he.
"Hey, fuck you, Ikkaku, what's your problem?!" Ichigo shouted, "Why don't you shut up? You think I can't kick your ass?! Who're you calling Shota anyways, huh?!" Ikkaku just rolled his eyes like he was a minor annoyance, which just got him angrier. How the fuck did he even know about something like that anyway? The guy hadn't even known about onigiri packaging!
Like Ichigo hadn't even spoken, Renji eyed Ikkaku, clearly unnerved. "That's not your business," he countered somewhat uncertainly, voice kind of quiet, which quelled Ichigo's rage for a moment. Why was he so…
"Whatever, 'm just sayin'." Ikkaku took another swig of sake, gesturing between them with a furrowed brow. "I mean, you'll always be 'kid' ta' me, but Ichigo- he's really a kid. No offense, little brat," Ikkaku directed to Ichigo, who merely stared, mouth ajar, because it was so clearly not a joke anymore that Renji's agitation was beginning to make more sense.
"Ikkaku," Yumichika said warningly, eyes flicking from Renji to Ikkaku, but he did nothing more to stop the exchange.
"Hey, I'm just sayin'. I didn't want nothin'a' do with that Asano girl, 'cause I'm a grown man. What business do I have screwin' around with a kid?" He gave Renji a grimace. "I mean, do whatever, but-"
"Ikkaku, that's quite enough." Yumichika gave such a viciously protective glare that Ikkaku finally stopped with a snort and a deadpan expression of indulgence. "That was so completely unnecessary."
"Aw, c'mon, don't," Ikkaku huffed at his ruffled partner, who was in no way pacified. "Hey look, he knows I'm just fuckin' with 'im." Yumichika continued to frown disapprovingly, leading Ikkaku to groan and call, "Oi, Renji, you know I'm just fuckin' around. See, he's fine."
Yumichika sighed and rolled his eyes in a completely unbeautiful way. "Ikkaku, you need another beer."
"Damn right I do! This is why you understand me, Yumichika."
"Don't pay attention to him, Renji-kun. He doesn't like change, and this lieutenant's position – he's going through a time. Like a molting lizard shedding its disgustingly ugly dead skin. He'll cheer up soon." Ichigo stared at Yumichika for a second, one eye twitching. "We'll leave you two alone."
"Oh we will, huh?" Ikkaku mumbled amusedly from the ground, raising an eyebrow in a half-ass challenge as if to say he wasn't getting up off this engawa even if it meant missing the best fight of his life.
"Quiet," Yumichika hissed, nabbing him by the ear and yanking it a bit, then swatting him over his shiny head. "You've menaced enough people tonight."
"A'right, a'right," Ikkaku yawned, taking his time in getting up while Yumichika tapped his foot. Finally, they headed away, Yumichika lingering to offer a supportive pat to Renji's shoulder and best wishes to them. Weird guys. Ichigo had thought they'd never leave.
"Huh. What the hell was that ab-" Ichigo's words died at the sight of Renji's stricken and faraway expression. He waited for a moment for Renji to snap out of it on his own, but when Renji wasn't forthcoming, he eventually he groaned under his breath.
"Hey," he prompted, and Renji blinked, coming back to reality and looking at him for a moment, the distress in his eyes piercing into him like needles before they darted away, fixed on the ground. "Hey, what's up with you?" Ichigo asked.
Renji was quiet for a moment. "Nothing," he said, voice so flat and emotionless that it took Ichigo a second to soak in. What was processed immediately was Renji pulling his body completely away from him, and it felt like ice water going down the back of his neck.
"Hey, wh-" Ichigo held out a hand as if to pull him back in, but it was somehow impossible. It felt like instinctively going to lace one's hands together, only to come to the repeated and gut-wrenching remembrance that the other arm had been amputated not long ago. There was nothing there.
"C'mon, that didn't bother you, did it? He's been a cranky asshole for weeks. He's just fuckin' around," Ichigo tried, but his voice revealed that he wasn't as sure as he'd meant to sound.
Renji didn't say a goddamn word, staring hard off into the void.
Frustrated, desperate, Ichigo's young soul did what it always did in moments of uncertainty: he turned to anger, intent on hitting Renji and making him respond. He took a breath to demand a reply, but then it came, and he wished it hadn't.
"I know."
Before he could do anything more, Shuuhei and Rangiku spotted them and seized their lieutenant buddy for some lively chat, and to all the others, there was nothing wrong, Renji was behaving normally, but for the rest of the party, Ichigo's heart pounded and his hands burned and it felt like the world was going to end.
Renji acted like he wasn't even there for the rest of the night.
. . .
By the time they left, it was well into the middle of the night, yet they still had split the party far earlier than the rest. Renji had made his excuses after about an hour of rowdy partying, and despite his startlingly natural demeanor, Ichigo had been able to tell his heart hadn't been in it. He'd meant to track Yumichika down to ask him what the hell had happened to make Renji react like this, or better yet, beat it out of Ikkaku, but they were nowhere to be found.
They were taking the long walk back to Renji's place in silence, the moon high above them in the dark sky, and the only sound was the soft crunch of their waraji against the swept and glowing white stone street. Renji was alarmingly quiet now that there was no one to put an act on for, and Ichigo was extremely wary, thinking over and over of what he should say, what he could possibly say that wouldn't provoke him.
Over the last hour, his initial anger had flared out and cooled into a sort of hurt as Renji completely ignored and went on without him. Something to do with that dumb and mean joke Ikkaku had made. He'd only been fucking around, but it was obvious Renji had taken it to heart on some level if he was this bothered. Ichigo just didn't understand why Renji was taking it out on him. Why was he pretending like Ichigo was invisible? He wasn't... upset with him, was he? Renji's been mad at him before, but he's never just gone quiet like this. It was really starting to freak Ichigo out.
He didn't know why they hadn't just flash-stepped back, because Renji clearly wanted to be anywhere but near Ichigo. He was walking with such long strides now that Ichigo was struggling to keep up, panting. Finally, he grew so irritated with looking at Renji's tense shoulders, the profile of his back somehow so sharp and cold with a little ironic silver lining of the moon gracing his dark uniform, that he snapped, all the anxiety and dread that had been building in his stomach for the last few hours just bursting out. "Will you slow down?!"
Renji didn't reply or look back at him, in fact he tossed his head further away, and Ichigo could see nothing but the black outline of the side of his face. He thankfully did slow a bit, but not much. He didn't answer either.
Ichigo felt like he was going to throw up. Why wasn't he saying anything?
"What's the matter with you anyways?" he grumbled, tensing his stomach to try and push down this horrible fretful knot.
Renji acted as though he hadn't even heard him, and Ichigo would've thought he'd been talking to a brick wall if it wasn't for the immediate coiling of every one of Renji's muscles at the sound of Ichigo's voice.
"Hey, I asked you a question!" He landed a heavy hand on Renji's shoulder before he could too far outmatch him in speed, and had to grip hard to slow him down. Renji resisted, trying to keep walking, the shoulder Ichigo had seized getting dragged back, but eventually he ceded, halting in his tracks. His face was still dark under the night sky, turned down and engulfed in shadow. Why was he so damn quiet?
"Hey," Ichigo inquired, letting the irritation seep out of his voice, replaced with concern and confusion. "What's up?"
Renji's fists clenched tightly at his sides, his skin glowing stark white in comparison to his uniform in the suddenly harsh seeming light of the moon, and the motion was done with such ferocity that Ichigo swore it sounded like leather gloves tightening. Something was pretty bad. He knew Renji, and he was gonna' snap soon. This couldn't all be about what happened back there, right? It hadn't bothered him so much as all that, had it?
"Hey," he practically whispered, cautiously circling around Renji to try to get a better look at his face. He ducked a bit in a foolish attempt to catch his eyes and draw his attention up, but Renji stubbornly stared forward. In a last ditch effort, Ichigo swallowed hard and daringly reached out to Renji's jawline, brushing his thumb along it tentatively. When there was no violent reaction, Ichigo let his palm melt against Renji's cheek, his fingertips stroking behind his ear at his hairline, reaching the curve of his neck.
Ichigo's eyes searched Renji's face, which was tipped downwards so that his brow set such a dark shadow that his eyes were completely black, the only spot of light on his face being cast on the high point of his cheeks and the ridge of his nose. His hair glistened, red and grey, the dim light tricking Ichigo's eyes into a moment of color-blindness.
He brushed his thumb on Renji's cheek in what he hoped was taken as comfort, not pity. He was very uncertain, as they were still so new and fragile, and any advance, however small, he still wasn't confident in at all. Renji was letting him touch his face when he was clearly upset, and Ichigo couldn't help but feel like he was petting a wild tiger, risking being mauled at any moment.
Finally Renji reacted, lifting and turning his head away. Ichigo's palm drifted against his nose and mouth for a moment in his surprise, and then retracted slightly. Apparently, not enough, because Renji took it in his own hand and moved it away. He placed a gentle but firm arm against Ichigo's chest and pushed past him, as if intending to keep heading home regardless of any action on Ichigo's part.
"Renji!" Ichigo shouted frustratedly, and admittedly with a strained note of desperation. He grabbed at his shoulder again, and this time, Renji slapped his arm away with more force. Ichigo froze, one foot instinctively sliding back and a hand going up to grab for Zangetsu's hilt, but Renji merely stood there, just as tense and still, even his wild hair hardly daring to move with the slight breeze.
The moment of tension broke then as Renji sighed, and Ichigo watched from behind him as he lifted a hand and wiped his face roughly.
"Renji," Ichigo tried, easing back into a normal position, reaching out a hand for his back, but a sudden reply halted him.
"This isn't gonna' work."
If Renji's withdrawal before had been ice water down his back, this was his body being frozen solid, every blood cell bursting as microscopic ice crystals penetrated every cubic inch of his flesh. He didn't know how he could even move, but one of his feet slid back again, as if prompting him to flee before he had to hear the rest, the words he knew were coming but still fiercely denied could be.
"What isn't?" he poised, playing dumb, maybe naively hoping Renji wasn't serious, that he might back down, but the sharp swoop of dread in his gut told him that it was a hopeless effort.
God, this was awful. He felt sick to his stomach, those butterflies he'd felt at Renji's confession having turned to ravenous bats, or insects, maybe a writhing nest of snakes. Renji wouldn't even look at him, still standing there with his fists clenched at his sides, and Ichigo didn't think he could take it.
"This." Renji's words were short, low, so blunt that one might think they were impersonal, but Ichigo could hear they were pained and choppy, so as not to prolong it. Maybe it was meant to be a kindness, but Ichigo had never liked to rip bandaids off as a kid because of how they ripped out the hairs, and he doesn't like this either. "Us. Together," he clarified, and maybe Ichigo knew it was the end, because he went straight to denial. He'd skipped that stage when he'd lost his mom. He'd always thought that it had been because the loss had been so sudden, but he hadn't expected Renji to do this any more than he had expected to lose her.
"What?" Ichigo heard himself try to laugh, and Renji turned towards him then, his eyes raised enough to look at his face, but not meet his gaze. He looked sad, resigned, and Ichigo hated it. It looked like he'd given up already, like he'd decided not to fight from the get-go. "Wh- Ikkaku was just joking," he tried, because he was positive that was what this was about. Renji had been fine until Ikkaku had said all that shit, and that's what it had been; it was bull. Ikkaku hadn't even been serious. Not really. He'd just been yanking Renji's chain!
"Don't let one thing bother you," he rasped, and he tried to sound convinced himself, but Renji's expression was so decisive already that some part of him knew that there was no point. His insides going tight and hot with despair, Ichigo panicked. He didn't want this to be over so soon, before it had even started. It wasn't fair. He hadn't even gotten a chance really. It couldn't be over already, it just couldn't.
Renji let out a rumbling sigh, and he looked like he felt bad, which just sparked the rage Ichigo needed to sound more convicted, more outraged, less sad and young and desperate to stop this from happening. "It's not just one thing," he explained, and at that moment he sounded older and more beaten down that Ichigo had ever heard him. He hated it, he fucking hated it.
"I just ignored it until-"
Ichigo voice came across sharper then. "Until what? Until someone you respect said it? I know you think he knows everything, but face it, Renji – Ikkaku's full of hot air sometimes! He was just fuckin' around, being an asshole, tryin'a' bug you! It didn't mean anything, what he said."
That seemed to get to Renji, because he burst out with, "Yeah, but he's not the only one who's-!" He shook his head, sighing again more roughly. "Look." He placed a hand to his forehead, smoothing it over the top of his skull and then raking his fingers through his ponytail. Ichigo glared at him harshly, and he was starting to huff and pant angrily, his own fists opening and closing. This wasn't fair. Renji didn't just get to do this! He didn't get to tell him that he had feelings for him and open up this door to Ichigo, this path in life that he'd never known was an option and then just- He didn't get to show Ichigo something so amazingly wonderful and then go 'Psych! I changed my mind!'
He couldn't rip him out so soon like that just because he was having second thoughts! Why didn't Renji consider his feelings, huh? What, just because he was guilty over something dumb, that's it, it's over just like that?
"Look, Ichigo, I've been thinking about it, and-"
"No."
"He's right, Ichigo. I can't c-"
"No!" Ichigo raged, doing anything he could to shut him up right there, because he wasn't going to fucking listen to this. He knew what he was going to say, and he didn't deserve that shit. Not now. He wasn't going to let Renji do this to him, he wouldn't let Renji rip him apart.
Renji shut up and stared at him balefully, at first holding out a hand to him as if to – he didn't know what – but then letting it drop as he listened incredulously to Ichigo scream at him.
"Don't you fucking dare!" he hollered, reiatsu blazing out of control. "Don't you dare say it, don't you treat me like a kid after all I've done, after all I've gone through, I don't deserve that."
And he doesn't. He didn't deserve Renji to write him off like he couldn't handle a decision after all he'd done. He'd been handed the responsibility of saving the entire world, for god's sake, and every time it had gotten too hard, no one had ever treated him like a kid then. No one had told him it was okay to be scared, to doubt himself. No one had ever offered him advice or comfort – in fact, the usual solution was to hit him and make him feel bad about himself until they were positive that he'd never let that vulnerable scared young part of him show ever again. God damnit, every time it had gotten rough, they'd all told him to suck it up, especially Rukia and Renji. And here he was telling him that this – this was too much for him? This was the thing he wanted Ichigo to be scared about, that he had to be kept safe from? This wasn't okay for him? Renji had to protect him from this or something? Keep away from him because he was dangerous? What, was this supposed to be 'for his own good?' Fuck that! That was bullshit! Ichigo had done too much for Renji to pull that one on him.
He never would've expected that from him. In fact, from him, least of all. And it stung, it stung worse than Renji coming out and calling him weak or useless or too young right to his face. The implication was enough, and so so much worse – because it hurt more to have Renji really think that about him in his heart than to hear it said out loud.
"I'm not saying you haven't done the stuff you did," Renji said slowly, carefully, like he knew Ichigo would completely unhinge if he broke the eggshells. As the words kept coming, pained and tired, Ichigo hated Renji and the way he acted like it wasn't eggshells at all, but nails or coals or something, like this was harder for him than it was Ichigo, like he was making a sacrifice to protect him. He hated Renji for this. "I'm saying, comparing our ages, what they're saying is true." Renji looked him in the eye then, his expression so dreadfully sorry and resigned that Ichigo wanted to hit him so badly, he wanted to wipe that right off. He was stronger than that, he didn't deserve to be looked at like that, like he was a younger brother who'd wanted to go to war to prove himself, only to be patted on the head by his older brother, the real soldier, and told 'next time, little guy.' He didn't deserve to be patronized and left behind like that, not by Renji.
"You are a kid. I'm a man," Renji grit out, eyes squinting in something like regret, and Ichigo couldn't take it anymore.
"That's such a fucking cop out!" he shouted, right in Renji's face, and Renji let him, although he began to get a little riled too.
He grimaced in frustration and got in Ichigo's face in turn as he argued back with a growl, "You think this is easy for me? You're wrong, Ichigo! You think it's easy ta'-" He beat the side of his head with the heel of his hand, hardly able to finish a sentence from clearly self-directed anger. "I never should've said anything to you, I never should've made it so I'd have to hurt you! It was fucking selfish, I wasn't thinking straight!"
"You're really going on about that?! What, one comment from your senpai and it's over?" Ichigo stared at Renji incredulously, his shoulders dropping. He couldn't fucking believe this. Renji really was… "What the fuck, Renji! That's how hard you're gonna' fight for this? That's how much you..." He bit his traitorous lower lip before it could tremble and he tried to stay angry, because if he was angry, he couldn't be sad, he couldn't-
Renji rounded on him then like a wild animal, snarling in his face. "Don't talk about what you don't understand." Ichigo could see he'd struck a nerve, calling Renji's feelings into question, but he was so mad about Renji pulling this bullshit on him like he was a little boy that needed to be shielded from the world that he didn't care. He just wanted to hurt Renji back, hurt him as much as he could. Maybe that was proving him right, proving that he was indeed childish, too immature, but Ichigo didn't fucking care.
"What was all that talk about being with me until my last breath then? Was that all bullshit?"
"Don't go there."
"Why not?" Renji seemed to squirm, gritting his teeth and glaring, like every word was a prick in his side. Ichigo pressed his lips together and narrowed his eyes, feeling suddenly bitter. "What, does that upset you? Well, it upsets me, that you go back on a promise like that." Ichigo shook his head, laughing horribly, "I believed you when you said that. I fucking believed you. That carried me through to the end. Did you know that?" He screwed up his mouth then to keep from screaming or worse, sobbing. "Are you gonna' look me in the eye and tell me it was all a joke? You can take that back so easily? I thought that meant everything!"he howled, the corners of his mouth tugging down and his chest heaving.
"It's not like that," Renji rasped weakly, furrowing his brow, every inch of his face saying that he didn't want to hurt him, to please stop, don't be sad, don't break, please-
-but it doesn't matter, because that's all Ichigo wanted to do now was break Renji back.
"You don't get it, Ichigo," Renji said quietly, his eyes begging him to leave it there.
"Oh, I understand completely. I see what you are," Ichigo said sharply, eyes narrowing in a challenge. Renji's eyes widened in an equal opposite reaction, and Ichigo got it. This wasn't about Ichigo at all. Renji was just cutting and running with the excuse that they wouldn't have worked anyway, just so he could spare himself the trouble, the pain, the worry. "You're nothing but a coward," he growled, and maybe it was cruel, but he didn't care anymore.
"Don't," Renji warned, eyes still wide, but his stance becoming threatening. Ichigo didn't back down, pushing and prodding him further.
"It's why you an' Rukia were apart for all those years, and it's why you can't do this now," Ichigo hissed, going for a low blow. Renji was going to snap any second now. "- Because you're fucking afraid of admitting you feel anything! You don't care, do you! You don't care what you miss out on! You don't care who else gets hurt!" He flung a hand out to the side in a swiping gesture and just kept on yelling, not even caring what he was saying, how hurtful it was, how true or untrue. "You don't have to be with me, but you don't get to lie that you're doing this for me. You just wanna' tell yourself that to make it seem okay that you yanked me around for no fucking reason!"
"Stop it!" Renji demanded. "Fucking stop it!"
"You never change, Renji! From the moment I met you, you haven't changed at all! You think you've come so far, but you're still making excuses for why you can't do things, why you won't go for the things you want! You can stand up to Byakuya, you can follow me to Las Noches, you can fight Yhwach with me, but you can't fucking face yourself – it's fucking patheti-" Ichigo's head snapped around as Renji's fist drove into his cheek.
"Shut up!"
The blow cracked his neck, and as he reeled back, Renji's hand at his collar held him still for another strike to the head, and by then, Ichigo had recovered from his surprise. Renji's control had broken so suddenly that he hadn't had time to react.
After the second hit, Renji went to punch him again, and Ichigo beat him right back, socking him in the eye. So angry that he didn't even think to go for his sword, Ichigo just hit Renji, again and again, so upset that he didn't care about anything, he didn't care how bad Renji was hurting him back, how much everything was going to hell.
He didn't know how long they scrapped for, how long they grappled against each other, but there came a startled voice out of the gloom which had them frozen for a moment, arms locked at the other's shoulders, foreheads together. Ichigo's thumb was digging into the corner of Renji's eye socket and Renji's hand was fisted in Ichigo's hair, his other hand resting against his solar plexus where he'd been punching him to try and get him to let go. Renji's nose was broken and streaming blood, and Ichigo's eye was swelling shut. They stood there staring at each other, and the poor unseated officer just squeaked, "Lieutenant Abarai!"
Renji's eyes flicked to the young man and Ichigo took that moment to shove him off and hurl himself away. Thankfully, Renji released his hair and let him go, straightening up with his breath heaving.
"Kurosaki-san! Are- are you two okay?"
Ichigo stood with his back to the two of them, glaring at the ground. Nothing hurt but his hands, the muscles in them aching and burning. The rest just felt numb and prickly, maybe the result of too many blows to the head, but probably not.
"Nothin'a' see, cadet," he heard Renji say in a remarkably normal tone, but Ichigo was already walking away. "Get ta' bed."
It was quiet after that, and Ichigo kept walking. He didn't turn around and Renji didn't call out to him. He didn't head to Renji's place for the night; not Rukia's either. He's fucking going home. He doesn't want to stay here another minute.
He kept going, and still, Renji didn't call after him.
Ichigo grit his teeth and swiped at his face. He wasn't crying. Blood had just run into his eyes.
. . .
I cry tears you'll never see- so fuck you, you can go cry me an ocean and leave me be.