Ichigo had had his eighteenth birthday a few months prior and it had been the best one to date. He knew that giving birthday gifts was more of a modern thing, and wasn't traditionally done, so he'd been surprised at how many of his shinigami friends had brought him something. Some of them, he really wondered about the choice of gift, but he couldn't complain when they didn't know any better – besides, it figured Squad Eleven would give him beer and meat.

In the months since then, he'd been settling into his new life. It had taken some getting used to, since his schedule was a little hectic now. He went back and forth, working with whatever division wanted him to help train or do missions on whatever particular day he was in Soul Society, and at home in Karakura, he worked at the clinic with his old man. It had it's difficulties; for one, he had to keep bullshitting excuses to the few humans who still called him friend who don't know about his double life, you know, he had to try and explain where he keeps disappearing to for weeks at a time – but it's all worth it to be able to see the people he'd grown so close to more often, and still be around for Karin and Yuzu, and for his dad too of course. Couldn't forget that buffoon. He was welcome everywhere in Seireitei, free to work and learn where he wanted to, and when he got homesick, he was free to leave and spend time with family – when he missed Rukia, he could come back.

Life was perfect. He couldn't ask for anything more.

… Well… not quite. There was that thing.

He was eighteen now; still not of age, but yes, he'd fully entered the late teens. He was having… the urges, you know? Don't make fun of him, he can't help it! It's just, he was a young man, hot-blooded, equally eager and frustrated. The source of said frustration? One gorgeous older man who continuously refused to acknowledge the sexual tension that existed between them. Damnit, it did exist!

Yeah, if Ichigo had thought that making up in Urahara's basement like that meant that they were dating, he'd been dead wrong. Oh, it wasn't like Renji was denying that they both had feelings for each other. No, Renji'd already admitted that, yeah, they like each other – but even after Rukia had 'convinced' them both that avoiding each other was counterproductive and dumb, Renji still wouldn't have him, wouldn't date him, wouldn't be his boyfriend.

Which, y'know, shouldn't bother Ichigo as much as it did, because they were still doing all the same things that they'd done during that one week that they had been dating. When Ichigo was in Seireitei, they trained together, ate together, worked together, battled together, and almost any off-time Renji had, they spent that together too for exploring. Ichigo even slept at Renji's house for corn's sake.

But yeah, nothing was going on, Ichigo was sad to say.

For a while there, Ichigo had been admittedly shy and uncertain. He'd thought that after Renji had kissed him like that, he just had to wait on him to make another move or something. Except there was no next move. So much for getting through to Renji, that numbskull.

Ichigo, being the kind of awkward guy he was when it came to sex and, y'know, feelings, hadn't known what to do next. He was kind of helpless that way; he got embarrassed easily. Plus there was also the fact that he was still figuring out all his own… stuff. Maybe it had been a product of being too busy as a young teenager and merely oblivious of his own libido, or the fact that he had been given the convenient and immediate stress release of battle, but he'd never had this problem before. Now that he was a little older and that door was open, y'know, he was feeling the joys and the many many woes of being attracted to someone else.

And it was hard to, you know, raise the subject of, well…

They were coming up on the half a year mark since that kiss though, and there's only so long an embarrassment of talking about them could keep Ichigo from making a move of his own.

It wasn't as though he had doubts that Renji felt this… thing too. There were lots of little moments where they'd pause in conversation at a weird time, smile at each other, and then look away – or when they'd stand too close together, or defend one another in arguments when they thought the other couldn't hear. He knew Renji still liked him. He could see it on his face and hear it in his voice every day they were together. Ichigo had no doubt of it.

But Renji could be a real stubborn ass.

He wasn't as religious in concealing or eradicating every telling look, and it wasn't like he never touched him, but they didn't kiss, they didn't hold hands, and they definitely didn't- Not that it had ever come up.

Okay, it's come up. Lots of times. It's come way way up, and that's exactly the problem. They're not talking about it, but Ichigo's got these constant annoying reminders in the form of horribly embarrassing and inconvenient boners.

Ichigo doesn't like this part of his new life. He felt like he'd never been bothered with this before, but now it's a daily problem. Renji's just so-!... Sometimes Ichigo could hardly hold it in, could hardly keep himself from coming up behind him and grabbing him and- and... he doesn't know what! It feels dark and exhilarating, and it scares Ichigo a little, but in a good way.

He supposed that was the difference between him and Renji – Renji had once said he hated what he felt for Ichigo, he hated that he looked at Ichigo and wanted him. What Ichigo felt for Renji scared him, because it was new, unfamiliar, strong and out of control, but he didn't hate it. The only thing he hated was being unable to explore it, the not knowing; he hated that Renji was trying to keep him away from it, making it feel like candy being dangled just over his head, perpetually out of reach, frustratingly desirable and unattainable. Yeah, Renji had him on a no-sugar diet. He was a dick like that.

Ichigo had accepted it for now. Didn't mean he had to like it.

The really annoying thing was that pretty much everyone else knew about them now, and despite the fact that they weren't really 'together,' Renji's friends all gave them shit anyway. Mostly Ichigo. Renji got a pass from everyone who thought Ichigo was the one causing their perpetual state of deliberate cockblock.

For one, all of them – all of them – knew that they weren't… you know. He has a hard time with the subject even now. Ichigo still got a little fidgety and overexcited just thinking about it, irrationally worried that others around him might guess his thoughts. However, his embarrassment and shyness towards the subject was holding him back less and less as time went by and the frustration built. One of these days he swore, when one of those dicks made a dumb joke that blamed Ichigo for their misery, he would fucking lose it and scream that Renji was the one who-!

Yeah, so that's great – everyone knows they're not fucking. Apparently, it was obvious due to their hotter-than-usual tempers. Anyway, from how much the assholes joke, it'd be perfectly reasonable to think that Ichigo was some prude giving poor Renji blueballs from dawn until dusk, stringing him along like the insecure adolescent virgin he was. I mean, maybe it was a somewhat logical assumption to make, seeing as Ichigo was much younger and very inexperienced, while Renji apparently had this reputation as a megastud? Not that Ichigo would ever admit Renji was such, but, y'know, rumors.

Anyway, it totally wasn't Ichigo's fault that they weren't fucking, or- or kissing, or whatever the fuck! Renji was the one who was frigid! Well no, not really. Ichigo knew that Renji wanted him too, no matter how hard the guy tried to hide it – and he did try. There's just no hiding how hard they get after sparring these days. Ichigo can't and doesn't bother trying, and instead will just hang his head in shame at what he can't control. What Renji does is pretend his boner can't be seen from the moon and change the subject while they head to the locker rooms and don't look at each other.

Ichigo couldn't stand it, knowing that Renji was turned on by him – Renji! It drove him absolutely wild to know that in all his insecurity and inexperience, he had that effect on someone like Renji.

He'd never admit it to anybody in a million years, but if he were honest, one might learn that he'd masturbated thinking about Renji. It was the only way he could possibly manage the inconvenient erections and try to prevent them from happening during the day, out in the open.

He felt like he'd never had to deal with this before; this was a new facet to life that he could do without. When this whole thing had first started, Ichigo hadn't experienced this kind of frustration or attraction; he'd more just been excited an older guy was interested – interested in him! Renji of all people liked him!

But now that time had passed and their mutual crush had had time to grow and fester, but not bloom, Ichigo found that as he longed to place his head on Renji's leg or touch his hair like they had in those first days, he also longed to kiss him, to be pressed against his body, to touch Renji, for Renji to touch him.

And as those feelings surfaced, it really didn't help that Renji was in no short supply of sex appeal. Sometimes Ichigo thought that his heart would burst from the excitement of sparring with Renji, getting so turned on that he could hardly go on, could hardly think of anything other than what he wanted but wasn't allowed to have. He didn't know why Renji was doing this anyway.

It was so monumentally frustrating that Renji had an obviously superior sense of self-control. Most of the time he acted like he didn't feel anything at all when he looked at Ichigo, while Ichigo for Renji, sometimes he thought he'd explode from desire and the resulting embarrassment. Ichigo felt like an inexperienced kid more than ever whenever he started to get a little hot under the collar – he couldn't exactly help it – and Renji continued to appear completely unaffected. So no, Renji wasn't the one suffering. At least not like Ichigo was. Renji was choosing to torture them both, and Ichigo had to deal.

They didn't acknowledge it at all. Renji had decided to ignore it for some strange unknown reason and Ichigo didn't say anything out of embarrassment, I mean, what the hell did you say when your hakama had tented up in the front? And if Renji wasn't going to say anything about it, Ichigo sure as hell wasn't!

It was bad when he went home, because at home he didn't have Renji's goofy demeanor and carefree grin to remind him that Renji liked him and that just because Renji wouldn't touch him didn't mean that he'd stopped liking him. At home, Ichigo thought too much. Sometimes he thought that maybe Renji was deliberately teasing him to watch him squirm, or worse, maybe Renji wasn't making a move on purpose, was leaving things unresolved so that he'd have a window to escape through in case he changed his mind about Ichigo. Whenever he thought things like that, Ichigo would kick himself each time they argued, even though it was what they always did. What if he'd sounded too juvenile? Too whiny? Too much like an annoying kid not worth bothering about? What if Renji wouldn't want him anymore?

He didn't dare say anything to Renji either, not wanting to appear needy, but he couldn't help it. What if Renji only wanted him for that thing now? Was that why he'd said he hated what he felt for Ichigo? Why he wouldn't be with him now, even after they'd made up? Did he just not want to mess Ichigo up with casual sex? Oh god, what if it was like that? What if Renji-

No, don't think about that. Renji wouldn't yank his chain like that. If nothing was going on anymore, Renji would say something. Ichigo wished he were able to be open about it and ask him why, why Renji wasn't acting like he had before, when they'd at least touched in private. He wanted to ask why Renji didn't kiss him again. He didn't want to worry or analyze every single look or offhand remark or unwanted boner anymore – he just wanted this waiting and wondering to be over.

It's been like six months, and it's only been that long because Ichigo has a healthy sense of shame, and is kind of insecure about this whole thing. He would've tried to kiss Renji on his own by now, he would've tried, in his own awkward way, to initiate some kind of sexual congress, but – and he hated to admit it – he was uncertain and shy.

However, it had been six months being apart but not away from Renji, and Ichigo's impatience was beginning to outweigh his shame – it won't be much longer and he won't be able to stop himself from saying something, from saying out loud for Renji to … come and get it? Ugh, he doesn't know how to sound sexy at all. It's no wonder he hasn't been able to tempt Renji before now.

He just doesn't understand what he's doing or not doing to have Renji act like this. Doesn't Renji want him enough? Wasn't it normal when two people knew they had reciprocated feelings to come together and progress in their relationship? Ichigo wanted to know what was going on, damnit! He doesn't want to act like they're just friends anymore.

Finally, Ichigo built enough confidence to at least raise the subject, and after sparring one day, they were hard as usual, and facing away from each other while changing. It hadn't used to matter, when Ichigo'd been younger, but these days, they took care of business back to back, because it was rude to stare at a guy while he had a boner.

It was awkwardly silent other than the rustle of clothes and Ichigo's occasional grunts as he tried to stretch out the muscles in his back – okay, he's a fucking liar. He's doing it to test Renji's reactions. At first, he'd thought he was imagining things, tricking himself into thinking Renji was biting his lip and doing other shit people did when they were getting hot, but now there really was no ignoring it.

He could see Renji peeking.

Renji didn't know that he'd been caught, but all the same, after a moment or two of giving Ichigo a sort of yearning side-eye, he turned his face back away in a few hesitant halting motions, and then rubbed his palm over his face tiredly, as though he were trying to knead the guilt out of his expression. This had happened before, a couple times. Renji would look like he was considering throwing this stupid not-dating thing out the window, and Ichigo would be sure he was about to break, but then he just… wouldn't.

Ichigo exhaled and turned away, scrunching his eyes and hands up so that he wouldn't be tempted to turn back and run them over Renji's sculpted back. Why were they holding themselves back? Why was this so difficult?

"… You wanna' go out for omurice after this?" came Renji's carefully neutral voice, and Ichigo winced, because there it was. Every damn time, they always avoided talking about it, they always pretended it wasn't there, but it was.

"Yeah."

"Cool."

"…" Ichigo sighed to himself, hands pausing on the sash of his hakama, head bowed. To hell with it.

"Why're we pretending?" he asked softly, like he was afraid the words would break something otherwise. His brow furrowed, because he didn't like feeling scared to talk about this; he wanted it so bad. It shouldn't be so hard.

"This is stupid," he muttered petulantly.

"Mm," Renji grunted in reply, and Ichigo supposed he shouldn't have expected more. Renji's ignored this for this many months, it wasn't surprising that he would keep putting up a resistant front.

Ichigo turned to him and watched as Renji untied his waraji and took them off, letting them fall to the ground with a slap. Trying again, Ichigo said rather tentatively, "I don't wanna' do this anymore." Renji's head snapped up to him at that, a quickly-covered flash of hurt darting across his face. "I don't wanna' wait anymore."

Renji's expression hardened and he turned away again, not responding. Ichigo waited as long as he could before trying again. He'd done a lot of thinking about why Renji was resisting, and all roads led to his guilt at Ichigo's age. It had been the prime subject of their fight in Urahara's training grounds – if he could just find a way to circumvent that, let Renji think he was old enough, then…

"I've bulked up, huh?" Ichigo noted, and he has. He'd gotten a little taller again, maybe half an inch, and he'd packed on some muscle. He wasn't as skinny anymore, although calling him beanpole still wouldn't be that inaccurate. He definitely doesn't look like a kid in the sense that Renji would be creepy to be attracted to him. He's not Shota, god damnit! He had a little body hair, he didn't have a smooth round stomach like a kid did, he had muscles! Okay, maybe he was kind of inexperienced and clueless, but calling him innocent would be a stretch! Renji shouldn't feel like he's a bad man!

"Mm," Renji grunted again, but didn't look at him.

"Eighteen's close enough to a man," Ichigo stated, but it still sounded kind of like a query, like he was coaxing Renji. "I've put on some weight. I can handle you."

"Mm."

Ichigo groaned out loud. "Can you stop it with the caveman responses?" That got Renji's attention.

He whipped around where he was sitting on the bench and pretending to be really preoccupied with taking his tabi off. His ponytail slapped the other side of his face and he bared his teeth like a provoked leopard. "Hey, fuck you!"

"There we go," Ichigo mumbled in satisfaction. At least if Renji was mad at him, he was talking to him.

"Go suck a dick," Renji snapped angrily.

"You sure?" Ichigo retorted rather childishly, causing Renji to turn away a bit again, hiding the bump in the front of his hakama.

"Ichigo, enough." Ichigo fucking hated when Renji used that stern authoritative parental voice, like he was a kid who'd gotten out of control and needed to be scolded as such.

He sighed unhappily, plopping down a ways down from Renji and putting his hands to his cheeks miserably, elbows digging into his thighs. "What are we even doing? What is this?" Renji exhaled, but didn't turn back to him; Ichigo could see him playing with the strings of his obi.

"The fuck're you talking about?"

That punched the breath out of Ichigo. Renji was still going to act like- like nothing was even-?

Practically slumping, dropping his eyes into the palms of his hands, Ichigo spoke to the ground. What is he doing wrong that Renji doesn't want to be with him?

"I don't know why this is happening," he mumbled, "What am I-" He bit his lip. His throat hurt. "I mean, what do I-"

"Ah, don't think about that shit, Ichigo," Renji replied, seeming to feel somewhat bad if his tone was any indication. "You're a great kid."

"Don't call me that," Ichigo bit out, raising his head to meet a Renji who froze, wide-eyed, as if surprised at being caught looking. "I hate it when you call me that." Renji frowned, but didn't say anything, which put a hot coal of dread in his gut.

"Is that why you're stringing me along?" he croaked, head hanging, eyes flicking around the cracked stone floor. "Because I'm a kid to you? If that's it, then say so, so I can-"

"No," Renji grunted sharply, "Knock it off, Ichigo."

"Then what?" he questioned rawly, staring Renji in the face, looking from eye to eye imploringly. "Why? Why won't you- …" He exhaled helplessly as Renji covered his eyes with a hand and sighed, then rubbed his forehead, free hand hanging limply over his knee.

"Is this still because you think you're too old for me?" Renji's lack of response told everything. "How long are you gonna' make me grow up?!" Ichigo demanded, voice echoing in the cave-like acoustics of the locker room.

Renji gave him a hard resigned look then. "You know… you really shouldn't waste your young years just waiting to get older, when you could be meeting someone your own age."

"Renji, really?!"

"I know, I know you already told me you don't want to, but that doesn't make it better."

"Would you just answer the goddamn question?!"

Renji let his hand drop with a grimace, brow pulled down, but Ichigo didn't back down, glaring back at him until he broke and sighed. "A man." Ichigo's shoulders dropped, but Renji went on, not giving a sign of budging. "That's how old. Hatachi."

Frustrated and at the end of his rope, Ichigo gaped for a moment and then choked out, sounding far too vulnerable and young, "You just hope that by then that I won't…" He swallowed.

He knew that Renji thought this was a phase, that he was fickle and foolish enough to go through crushes like fads. He knew that Renji thought he would grow out of him. That's why Ichigo hated that he was dragging this out, that's why it scared him, because Renji was doing it with the hope that Ichigo would meet somebody else before turning twenty.

"What if… you've changed your mind by then?" he mumbled distrustfully, voice cracking and betraying him.

"Hey…" Renji turned towards him, tossing one leg over the side of the bench so that he fully faced Ichigo, who turned his face away and scrubbed at his nose, sniffing. "I've got a loyal heart. 'M patient." He ducked his head to meet Ichigo's tired and red eyes with an uncertain smile. "You'll just have to trust me."

Ichigo was coaxed into turning back towards him, head still hanging in disappointment. "… That seems like such a long time away," he sighed miserably and looked at his hands where they rested in a heap in his lap. Renji's were nearby, in loose fists, resting on his thighs.

"It'll fly by," he hummed fondly. Renji loomed close in his space, and Ichigo breathed a sigh of comfort, but let his nose twitch in irritation at the wiser older brother tone Renji had just put on. He couldn't help but give a wry smile.

"Wow, you really are an old man," he teased, still mumbling a bit.

"Heh', little shit," Renji laughed, and they went quiet together. The smiles took a few moments to fade, and when they did, Ichigo pulled up one leg and rested his forehead on it, picking at his toes.

"Twenty," he whispered. "Twenty 'till I get to have sex," he repeated, causing Renji to clear his throat sharply and shift around. "How on earth are you this patient," Ichigo wondered frustratedly. It was so hard for him. How did Renji think that he could survive like two more years of this? He'd actually had sex before on top of it, probably, so he knew what they were missing out on!

"I'm used ta' waiting for impossible things for long periods of time," Renji reminded flatly.

"Yeah, yeah, there you go again, bragging about being immortal," Ichigo brushed off.

"Heh', yeah okay," Renji sighed, giving a kind of dreamy smile, like he thought Ichigo was the most precious cutest thing in the world. Ichigo stuck out his lip in a scowl.

"I don't wanna' wait that long," he mumbled like a spoiled brat. "I…" He looked down and blushed, chin resting on his kneecap. "I… feel so much."

Renji gave a small exhale of awe and 'oh-god-I-could-just-eat-you,' and put a thumb by Ichigo's mouth, his hand brushing his face. Ichigo looked up warily at Renji's smile.

"Until I can feel more okay about bein' an undead perv, this is what has to happen."

Ichigo snorted, causing Renji to give a gusty frustrated sigh. "Preying on the young? Taking advantage of a minor? Ring any bells?"

"You know, the age of consent where I come from is actually-"

"I don't care, Ichigo, I don't care."

"Guh!" Ichigo groaned, throwing his hands up. "You think I'm not in control of my mental faculties?! You think I can't make informed decisions?!" He slapped a hand down onto his leg, sticking his chin into Renji's face, causing him to draw back, affronted. "For god's sake, you guys push alcohol on me every time I come here, but I guess that rule doesn't matter because it's inconvenient!"

Renji narrowed his eyes, glancing around.

"Well your abstinence rule is inconveniencing my dick!"

"Shh! " Renji panicked, swatting at him and looking around frantically. "Alright, I get it! Pipe down!"

"Hmph," Ichigo pouted, and if he was proving that he was indeed immature, he didn't give a fuck.

"You think this is easy for me?" Renji hissed, getting right back in his face. Ichigo narrowed his eyes, continuing to sulk. "Huh? You think it's easy for me to ignore you? You beggin' for me with your eyes every goddamn day?"

"I don't do that," he mumbled in embarrassment.

"Strutting around all cocksure, all- all-"

"All what? "

"All sexy!" Renji blurted. Ichigo leaned back a bit in surprise. Renji was getting closer, enough that he had a hand braced between them to better yell in his face. "Makes me so mad!" Ichigo's mouth filled with saliva, and his thighs twitched. He glanced down and blushed. He was getting hard again.

"Makes me wanna-" Ichigo exhaled as Renji got closer, his bulging chest heaving. He could see Renji swallow, his throat bobbing, and Ichigo's eyes widened, his nails digging into the bench behind him, placed there to keep him from falling back as he leaned further and further away to maintain the distance as Renji approached.

Renji made this noise in his chest that had the hair on Ichigo's back standing up. He was so big, so wild- It was scary and thrilling. Renji's never talked to him like that, never shown how he wanted him, and it spooked Ichigo. What's he gotten into? Shock and excitement locked his muscles.

He was really hard again, and damn his curiosity, he can't help but prompt Renji on before he decided he'd gone too far and withdrew. "Yeah?" he rasped, throat dry.

Renji panted in his ear, his breath feeling like steam against his face, and Ichigo shuddered as he growled, "Makes me want to get on top of you and fuck you like an animal." An abortive sound escaped Ichigo's throat, his breath cutting off.

"Make you mine, make you know that I-" Renji stopped suddenly, quivering, panting, pressing his face to Ichigo's. Ichigo shook, turning into it, eyes slipping closed.

"Yeah?"

"How much I-" Renji swallowed again. "How important you are. To me." Renji's voice started to lose the lusty tone and grow disturbed, more lucid again. Ichigo's eyelids fluttered open, his entire body shaking. "To my life."

He took Ichigo's hand in his, holding it with both of his, a tight grasp that didn't let Ichigo's sweat-slick palm slide out. "And that's why," Renji muttered, eyes dark and glittering, gazing into his. "It scares me … I fell pretty hard – sometimes I feel like I can't wait another second."

He ran his knuckles along Ichigo's cheek. "But this is too important, and that's how I'm patient even though it's hard. It's not easy." He laughed a bit, "God, you don't make it easy." Ichigo swallowed. "C'mere," Renji murmured, his smile warm and exasperated.

Ichigo closed his eyes as Renji held him, bringing him against his chest and holding his head to his shoulder. He could feel Renji's nose and eyelashes brushing his neck, his head nuzzling into Ichigo's bare flesh. His ear is against Ichigo's. Ichigo tried to relax, resting his head and letting his eyes close, but his heart was still racing, every bit of him tight and trembling.

"Shit, I went too far," Renji muttered into his shoulder, sounding for all the world like he was kicking himself. Ichigo could feel Renji's fingers curling into his back. "God, don't let me have scared you-" He jolted, cutting off with a loud, "Ow!"

Ichigo yanked back and beat him across the top of his head, glaring. "Don't even," he snapped, then flopped back against Renji, "Idiot." He pressed his eyes into Renji's shoulder and held him.

"…!" Renji tensed a bit and cleared his throat, which jolted Ichigo's head a bit, but he held on, his face blazing.

"Don't say anything," he mumbled in embarrassment, squeezing Renji around his stupidly big chest.

Renji didn't, but he placed his arms around Ichigo too and his chin on Ichigo's shoulder and held him and held him, and Ichigo didn't feel so insecure and impatient anymore.